Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Kissy Barking In Skip's Study....and Dog In The Mirror

Just a short while ago I kept hearing Kissy, our 1 year old precious Rottie, barking and growling in Skip's study.  I got up to go in there to see what in the world was making him act that way.... I couldn't see anything different so, I bent down so, I could look at his eyes and follow them with mine... to see what was causing him to act like that!

The only thing different that I saw was a statue of a Rottweiler dog that Skip had sat on one of his stereo speakers.  I picked it up and moved it toward Kissy and he went into a crouch, his head was wrinkled and he barked ferociously and if I moved it ...he would jump back, ha! 

I wonder what in the world was going through his mind.....  I know I did have a big mirror sitting in the hall not long ago was sitting outside my art room.  I was deciding where I would place it ..that was why it was sitting there.  I could hear a scrapping sound one morning out in the hall and I was wondering what was making that kind of noise.  I stepped quietly to the door to peep out and ..... on
the carpet was Kissy laying there looking at himself in the mirror taking his paw and trying to touch the dog looking back at him from the mirror.  I thought that was so precious. 

Skip ...Drove Me Into The Shenandoah River...

We loved to ride around and look at the Shenandoah River, it was just so beautiful.  We saw a ramp leading into the water and you know how they slope right into the water so, one can unload their boats from their trailers.

Skip didn't think I knew that the ramps sloped under the water and was going to fool me into thinking he was really going to drive into the river.

He began driving toward the ramp and I just sat so calm and relaxed because I 'knew' the ramp would lead down into the water.  He got on the ramp and began to drive down into the water when................
we went down so hard in about 4 feet of water!  The impact made me hit my head on the dashboard and threw him against the steering wheel and the two people with us in our Bronco came crashing into the front seats.  It hurt so bad and I was really mad and I said a lot of words, believe you me!

Skip couldn't back up at all because we were pointing down!  He got out of the Bronco and began going down under the water and moving rocks under the front wheels and then, try to back up some.  Of course, that didn't work!  It was scary with the swift water going on as if we weren't there! 

He saw some guys and they saw what had happen and hurriedly connected a cable to our Bronco and began pulling us out and Skip had to keep going under the water to put more rocks under the front wheels.... finally we came out of that river and .... I was some kind of mad!  That joke backfired on him and ... I calmly sat there and let him... drive me right off into that river!  I didn't laugh that time!

Skip ...Rolling, Rolling On The River

I am taking a short journey down Memory Lane when we lived at Shenandoah Ski and Hunt Resort near Bayse, Virginia.  Skip wanted to show me that he could use a raft on the river (Shenandoah River) and he bought a very nice one.  We were standing by the river and Skip put it in the water and asked me to come along and I said 'oh, no'!  He floated along a little ways looking up the bank at me talking... I was looking at him and noticed something unusual.  I didn't say anything at first because I am not a boat or raft person at all... I did finally mention to Skip as he was talking that the raft looked to me as if it was filling with water!  He looked down and ... the raft began to sink!!!  It's awful I know, but, I began laughing so hard that I couldn't stand up and just sat down hugging my stomach laughing so much... it hurt so bad to laugh that hard.  I'm so thankful Skip made it out of that raft and onto the bank.... he had the raft with had a hole in it!  I have another memory on Shenandoah River.....  Skip drove me into the river!

Sometimes I remind myself of .....

Sometimes when I laugh... I can 'hear' Tommy or sometimes if I cough I can hear my Mom.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and I can 'see' Mom.  I can look at my hands and see my Mom's hands and also, alittle like my Aunt Peggy's hands.  I can hear myself sometimes and I can hear my Dad.  I can look at my eyes and see his, also.  It's strange how one can see and hear others who are only memories now... once they were as real as you and I.  I miss all the people I loved.

Lipton Tea and...Mom

I just made Lipton tea for supper with.... the family tea bags.  My mom would make Lipton tea all the time and only with... the loose tea leaves by Lipton.  I swear her tea was so potent that in a short while after drinking it.... one's teeth began to chatter with happiness from the caffiene!!!

Skip and I used to get her to make us a quart of it when we were ready to leave for California on the big truck.  That night we would be so wide awake.  That was some wonderful tea.  I really miss my mom.

My Cousin... Edward Lee

I just read on Facebook that today is the 20th anniversary of my cousin, Edward Lee, being gone.  My memories of Edward Lee are all good memories and when I look 'inside' to 'see' him... I see a handsome young man with a smile on his face and eyes twinkling.  He was a fun-loving person.  I loved him and Jeff and Karen, his brother and sister, so very much when we were little.  I would make them laugh by being just really so silly that it's embarassing to think about now.  For a time our mothers and us..lived in an apartment together.  I remember the banana sandwiches and bologna sandwiches and kool-aide they used to fix us for lunch.  Aunt Frankie was my most favorite aunt, she was their mother.  I'll gradually write about her and each person in time.  She was always so soft-spoken and she always cared... she would be the 'quiet voice' telling me everything was going to be alright in the turmoil-filled world I lived in as a child.  She would say 'Faye, one day you're going to be all grown up and you won't have to have any mess' in your life.  I feel tears in my eyes thinking about her, I always loved her so much.  The night Edward Lee came into the Emergency Room where I'd transferred to in the hospital from Communications to work.... it was the one night I was off.  I was so hurt that I wasn't there and I remember Frankie telling me that she told the security guard, George, that she was my aunt.  He got her coffee and make things some better... as good as could be when a mother is losing her son.  Now, I know all her grief and pain of a mother losing her son as I lost Tommy.  All through time I saw her grief... I really felt for her.... but, do you know?  You can 'feel' for people when they lose someone so loved and so dear to them.......... but, you never can feel as much as you feel 'when you've lost your loved and dear person'.... only then, do you understand the pain and the heartache.  Only then, do you know the path they were walking on in life...  one truly has to be on that terrible path to know how it feels... it's a path that's hard to find one's way for the darkness and the numbness... in my situation.... I'm lucky I found the way to get on the path of recovering and being able to cope.  She did the same.... I wish I could talk to her now and tell her 'I know'... but, she is gone, also.  I can't believe all the people almost... that I truly loved as a child ... are gone now.  Sometimes I feel like crying but, I'm... afraid I wouldn't be able to stop and I would just drown in my own tears.  Edward Lee, you were a dear person and I liked, loved and respected you very much.  I remember your wonderful herb garden and wind chimes... things I love dearly.  You were such an interesting person and of course, I always loved interesting people.  I send my love to heaven to you ..... and to my Aunt Frankie.  I always send my love to my son, Tommy, and all my loved ones.  I have lost over 20 people on both my father and mother's sides.. and they were the very people who meant the world to me, even mean Jeanette.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

A Sign... Ghost Whisperer... Just For A Moment

I have just made a potato salad and I baked a turkey breast for Skip's supper this evening.  Of course, when making potato salad I use boiled eggs.  Remember.... Tommy always showed up just after I boiled the eggs and I had them all shelled... and he would eat as many as he wanted.  I always made sure there were extra ones... I 'knew' he'd be there.  How he always timed it was funny and... amazing.  I smile now, thinking about it.

Like the times before when I made potato salad since Tommy has been gone.... I think of my son.  It does hurt so much and I miss him so much.  For just a moment I felt such anguish in my heart and for a moment only... I asked 'why?' and for a moment I felt anger that he is gone.  I never allow myself to do that longer than a 'moment' ...because it doesn't help anything to question...nor does it help to feel anger that he is gone and wonder 'why' I don't have my only child anymore.

When I was taking the shells off the eggs ..just for a moment I so, wished to see him standing there eating one of the boiled eggs.  Just for a moment, I wished for even a sign that he was
'there' somehow... like on Ghost Whisperer.  You know how a person's loved one shows up and reaches out to touch their mother or loved one and tells them they love them... and once in a while... they can be seen.  I wished that so much.... and I looked so closely into the air to see if I could see anything 'Tommy'.... I didn't.  I really tried to.  I just had to look 'inside myself'  to see my memory of him standing so tall smiling and talking to me as he ate a boiled egg.  He liked to take the salt shaker and sprinkle salt on his egg before eating it. For a moment..... I imagined him standing there.

Monday, November 28, 2011


Today Skip's nose began to bleed so much and by the time he got the bleeding stopped... he lost alot of blood.  I felt weak when I saw his shirt.  We think maybe the air being so dry could have caused it as lately, his blood pressure has been okay.  One never knows and has to be aware and pay attention... I
will keep my eye on him.  Life is just so fragile.... I love my husband with my very heart, he and our pups are my whole world.

Little Christmas Tree.....2011

Well... we got up our Christmas tree for this year... it's nothing like what we used to put up prior to Tommy's death.  In fact.... when we moved in February this year.... I was still deep into that shock and grief over my son's death...... I didn't remember giving all of our Christmas decorations we'd collected for some time... away.  We also, gave our  7 foot prelit tree away with it's beautiful Christmas skirt.  I'm glad we gave it to my brother, David.... but, I can't really remember it for the state of mind I was in.

This Christmas tree is 4 feet and is very pretty for a small tree... it's really quite simple with the lights and only big red Christmas balls on it.  It's comforting to look at and it won't be much to take down at the end of Christmas.

Skip always loved to decorate outside and he was going to decorate the porch.... he took the garland and lights outside.. about 30 minutes later I looked out to see the progress he'd made.  He was just sitting there holding the lights in his hands and staring off in space.

Tommy being gone has done something to us... he was a part of our life that was most important.... and he's gone.  We are so thankful to have our pups, Kissy and Chadwick, that is our world now.  When I
think of Tommy I just hold my head down and close my eyes and feel 'inside' grief and tears.  I feel such a deep sadness and even just a little anger that my son is gone. 

I realize I can't say if or if only or I wish he were back... I have to face the harsh reality that he's forever gone.  I have to go on in life and pretend everything is alright, I'm alright and the world is alright... for
others' benefit.  I have to hide the pain and grief inside my heart so, that I don't pull other people's moods down or burden them.  I'm private and I don't talk easily to others about what is close to my heart.... so, no one has to ever worry about me going on and on about missing my son.  This is my blog and I can say it as many times as I want to... and no one has to keep reading it if it bothered them.  That's one reason I am glad I began blogging... I can say things 'in the air' and if anyone is interested ..they can read... if not, they can go on their way to something else... and every thing's alright.

I miss you, Son.  I miss Tommy... I miss you, Tommy................. I miss you... I really miss you... how I wish you were here, Son.  My big, handsome golden-haired son with his sunshine smile and soft voice who also, loved his mama, and Skip with his heart.  He loved his son and daughter with his heart.  I really miss you, Tommy.  We miss talking to you everyday, we miss your laugh and funny jokes and... I have to say I miss your 'singing'.......... and you really couldn't sing at all... but, I loved it... that meant my son was happy when he was.... singing.  I would love to hear you sing now, Son.  Of course, I would have to tell you 'Tommy, you really can't sing at all' and not to let others hear it... they wouldn't understand that you were 'trying' to sing!  Then again... who cares if you were really here to sing?  It would mean you were here and how wonderful that would be.

I've indulged in saying how much I miss Tommy and I've wished all I wanted to 'for now' for my son to be back.  Now... I'm alright for a while and, I didn't burden anyone and I am going to be fine.  I never could imagine the pain parents live with for the rest of their lives nor could I understand how they could ever smile or laugh again when their child died.... I do  I know some parents are never right again after the death of their child.... one really has to work at handling/coping in the healthiest way possible.... I like to think I'm doing that. 

Little Christmas Tree.... 2011............ to missing Tommy with my heart.  Christmas really will be empty without you, Son.  We will smile and be happy and pretend all is just fine.... deep down both Skip and I will be thinking of you.  You were so important in our life and you knew you were loved and respected and cared about by us.  Our big Christmas tree became a small Christmas tree... and though it's small and simple this time...... it really is comforting and means alot to us.  It will help to keep darkness and sadness at bay during the Christmas holidays.  It's magical and wonderful and
happy... we need that.  This little Christmas tree will lighten our hearts and comfort us... it's amazing what something so small and simple .... can do.  It does bring a smile in my heart when I look at it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

I Miss Traveling....

I miss traveling so much.  We used to travel so much for the first years of our marriage all over the whole USA and we would stay in places for months that we fell in love with.  I remember we used
to watch the news and where there was a snowstorm.... that's where we'd be that night sitting in a hotel room drinking hot chocolate and watching it snow.  It was so romantic and so and happy! 

 I learned to love rain from Skip's love of rain.  We would go buy hot coffee and drive along drinking and looking at everything while we talked.  Rain... used to depress me... Skip taught me to love it. 

Later, Skip drove a tractor-trailer and I went to truck driving school to learn to drive with him.  I drove for 3 years with him (I did work in an office at the hospital for years prior) and our tractor-trailer was like a motorhome.... color tv, refrigerator, comforters and pillows and rugs and all was cosy and beautiful.  Wherever we were ... we were in comfort but, we stayed in hotels/motels from time to time.

  We saw real blizzards and white-outs and
dust storms and storms that began all of a sudden, tornadoes, and big winds and saw where earthquakes had been in California.  We saw so many things that no one sees around here and could never imagine.  We drove on passes in the mountains on solid ice down long mountains such as Stephens Pass in Washington state.  Ice and snow was piled high on each side of the icy roads as high as the truck.  Sometimes it was too exciting!

I remember we were going down Stephens Pass, Washington and I stayed quiet and I was sitting in the passenger seat while Skip was driving so carefully down that icy road.... down the mountain.  I began crying softly and saying to Skip 'I'm never going to see our pups and our home again'.  He began laughing and said 'you sissy, you'!  I began to laugh.  It was 70 miles of pure ice 'downhill' and we drove so long for a couple of days seeing nothing but, white snow.  I understood what snow-blindness meant after that.  I also, learned that too much white... is just too much white.  :)))))))))))))

I saw people ice-fishing in Nebraska with holes cut out in the middle of frozen lakes.... the big, thick round chunks of ice sitting there that had been carved out to put a fishing line in.  I saw sled dogs pulling men in Washington and they had ice on their beards and mustaches.  I saw many, many
wonderful and special sights that I'd only read about as a child.  I could imagine wagon trains traveling in the deserts and almost see them as we traveled the high and low deserts.  There were flash floods and people got swept away because they had no idea that a flash flood could happen in an instant... and sweep everything away so fast in its path.

I never talked about the things I saw very much.... people can't imagine if they've never been anywhere.  We saw mountains and when one looked down... the houses looked no bigger than a little box.  Sometimes, it was scary traveling because of the weather, and snowstorms... sometimes we saw such wrecks with many cars and wreckage going down sides of the mountains.  I saw many sad things as well as happy things.

We met so, so, so many people of every walk.... some we liked, some we didn't like.  They all had a story to tell.... some were people who scammed, some were homeless, some were rich, some poor, most were good people though there were some times one had to be really alert.  One can lose their life if they didn't pay attention around them, not all people are good.  I used to think that 'I can't believe people would do the things they do'..... they do, without a heart or conscience. 

This is only a little fraction of my memories of traveling.  I really miss going everywhere and keeping a pulse on 'everything' and knowing and seeing things I saw on the news in our travels.  We are like everyone else today..... we don't have the extra monies to travel anymore.  How I miss it.  I'm thankful to have my 'million' memories of years of going places.  I can look back and see things in my mind.

We used to meet Tommy out west during the trucking days just anywhere.... and I would be so excited to hear his voice on the CB calling out to us.  We would turn the truck around and go meet him and we would all be so happy to see each other... it was usually in California somewhere, or Arizona or New
Mexico or the big state of Texas and in Louisiana.  What happy, happy times those days were.  I miss you, Tommy.  I miss you with my heart, I miss your beautiful, golden sunshine of a smile, Son.  You always had the kindest expression in your eyes.  I always knew my son loved me as much as I loved him.  This will be our 2nd Thanksgiving without you.... I know how parents feel who have lost their child... now.  I'm thankful that I can smile and laugh about things you did or said... because those are
things worth remembering from a very real and very alive 'Tommy'.  You and Skip were always so funny and always teasing me.

so many that I can't possibly ever write them all.  At least I won't give out of things to write about.
Happy Thanksgiving to whomever reads this... and Happy Thanksgiving to us and our Pups.

Today, beautiful Today......

Today is rather cloudy.... lots of wind clouds in the sky.  I am sitting in my art room and in here I can hear the wind blow and I can imagine for a moment that I'm sitting somewhere in Maine and hearing the wind howl with that special sound it makes when it is blowing around the house.  That's the fun sound the wind makes here.  On really cold days and hopefully snowy days.... being in here listening to the wind will make me feel so cosy and happy.  This will be our first winter here and as the seasons go
by I am learning what to expect.  I love looking outside and seeing the trees gently rocking in the wind and leaves falling to the ground making carpets of color... so warm and beautiful the colors are.  Here.. I can look out any window and really see 'out'.  I can see the wonderful sky that is constantly changing both day and night... something I've always loved.  Before.. at the old place we lived up on a 'mountain' in a forest where I couldn't just see the sky for 6 years...  how I missed seeing the sky, something I loved to do my whole life.  I remember when we would drive down the driveway and get on the road to go somewhere.... the sky was wide-open and it was so wonderful to let my eyes drink it in.  I would say to Skip how much I missed just seeing the sky.  Here.. I can even walk out on the porch and see the stars in the sky and see the beautiful moon at any time.  Special.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Looking Forward to Thanksgiving Day...

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving Day.  I'll be sharing it with Skip and Sweet Chadwick and Kissy Fairchild, our two pups.  We are going to eat out for Thanksgiving since we don't have Tommy now.  I am looking forward this year ... last year Tommy wasn't here and we were in a state of grieving.  We
have went through many changes since then, and we are on the path of  'it still hurts so much but, we are going forward to live life to its fullest'.  One can choose to simply give up or to go on... I chose the latter.  At first, I was too fragile and could have simply given up so easily and truthfully, I almost 'let go'... but, I've always been a fighter since a little girl just to survive all the things that have happened in my life... so, that fight kicked in when even I wasn't aware that it did.  I'm glad now... I have my husband and pups and they are my world.  I really do have so, so much to be thankful for... I am very
thankful for all in my life.  Not just for Thanksgiving but, for everyday.  :)))))

Monday, November 21, 2011

Beaded Christmas Spiders

Beaded Christmas Spiders...........
These are beaded Christmas Spiders I have learned to make.  I am afraid of spiders and found myself cringing as I bent their legs to shape them up, ha!  I was also, making faces.... like they were real!
This is from 2011 Raleigh Christmas Parade..... top photo is Scotty McCreery waving as I took his photo with my cellphone.  The next photo is Lizard Lick Towing crew... they have their own tv show and live not so far away.
Yesterday..... November 20, 2011.... was my son, Tommy's birthday.  He would have been 42 years old.  I have been so sad this past week thinking and remembering just before his birth because I had a difficult time giving birth to my only child.  I had gone into my 10th month and labor was induced and all that good stuff... on a Monday morning and Tommy was born on the following Thursday morning.  The night before on the 19th.... an earthquake happened and I remembered being in such pain and sitting on the hospital bed cross-legged and my bed moved.... I didn't know what had happened but, my thought was 'waves of pain'.  The next morning on the 20th.... I had my beautiful baby boy who weighed 8 lbs 4 1/2 oz and was 21 inches long... by natural childbirth... and it was so hard.  I decided then, I could never bear that kind of pain again to have another child... and I was so happy to have Tommy.  I remember during the first few months that I began to worry about the things he would have to experience growing up and go through things we all do that can hurt us deeply... I remember crying my heart out wishing I'd never had even one child to go through things I wouldn't be able to protect him from.  My son went through so much I couldn't protect him from... he went through such grief in his life and all I could do was to just be there.  One day I will write about what happened one year and a couple weeks before he died... such a tragedy that affected him so much and he could hardly bear the grief... indirectly this helped lead to his death.  Just the caring so much and the pain he carried in his heart...making it stay so heavy with sadness and grief..... Tommy had a breakdown from all that just a few weeks before he, himself, died.  He never could get past what had happened and what he matter it wasn't his fault and it couldn't have been prevented... no matter how everyone told him.  Tommy never wanted anyone to be hurt or bad things happen to them... his heart was so big just like mine, and like Skip's heart.  The dates I remember that affected Tommy's life are:   May 19, 2009, April 1, 2010, and the day he died... May 29, 2010.  I will write about them one day and how it destroyed Tommy on the inside.  I saw him cry over this several times saying 'mama, it hurts so bad'.  My son who cared about everyone and everything..................  May 19th is also, the date that my brother Rick-Rick died before the tragedy in Tommy's life.... Tommy loved him very much.  'One day' I will write about those dates... May 19, 2009/April 01, 2010/May29, 2010... I will title it as such..... 

Friday, November 18, 2011

Little Golden Blonde Haired Boys with Blue Eyes.......  I went to run errands this morning and stopped at Walmart.  I noticed as I walked around shopping ... little blonde-haired boys with blue eyes sitting in different shopping carts...with their mothers pushing them.  It just took me back in time when Tommy was a little blonde-haired boy with his beautiful blue eyes.  It seemed today I kept seeing little boys that looked just like him at that age.  Sometimes I see big guys that look just like Tommy and I just look so hard trying to see Tommy as he was ... just for a few seconds.  He was a big, blonde-haired guy with blue-green eyes and he was so handsome.  I was so proud of my son.  On Sunday, November 20th.... is Tommy's birthday... he would have been 42 years old.  I love you, Son.  When I left Walmart I began crying because I miss my son... I realize that I can't bring him back and I've accepted he is gone and all that good stuff one's supposed to do.  I do know that even with doing all that..... a mother's love can't just stop and her mind can't just forget her child... because he is gone.  I was thinking about Tommy drinking drinks without ice and how his teeth had become sensitive to the cold and I was thinking about a little place that I worried about on his face from working out in the sun years ago... it's strange, I know.......
So Cold This Morning!  When I walked out with Skip and the pups this morning I saw a beautiful, thick coat of white frost shining like diamonds in the nightlight.  I also, felt the cold air!  This is wonderful because in the morning... it's going to be a replica of this morning.... 29 degrees and guess what!  We are leaving very early to be at our traditional place with hot coffee and doughnuts, and our chairs and maybe a blanket or two.... to Raleigh to enjoy the Christmas Parade.  I am excited and Skip is excited!  We want to be around things to make us feel happy... we miss Tommy and he was the number one person in our life.... in fact, our life was built around him and he knew he was special and loved very much.  No one could miss a son like we miss Tommy and my blog will mention him 'millions' of time... he was a real person, a good person and everyone who knew him.... loved him... he is worth remembering and his mother isn't going to let him be forgotten.  Nancy, I saw your comment this morning and I want you to know I love you and appreciate all you said.  You are my best friend in this whole world and the longest friend I've ever had.... since we were very little.  I'll never forget how you cared when our home burned down.... you were right there with us.  I'll never forget the coffeepot and coffee you gave to us... we took it back to the motel and I made the coffee and I remember thinking 'now, I know why hot coffee is so important when something bad happens... it's warm and soothing and it comforts one when they are in shock and in pain.  You were the one who came to me while we were at the ruins of the house after it burned three days later to tell me that my cousin was killed in that logging truck accident.  You cared so much and it meant the world.  You wanted me to hear it from someone who cared.  I love you, Ms Nancy.  Paula, you are a very special friend whom I have the highest respect for..... you and your beautiful family.  I've always admired you and Doug..... you are a real family and your beautiful children are growing up reflecting that... they'll know their parents loved and treasured each one of them.  I never knew that as a child and that's why you guys stand out to me... and it always touched my heart when we lived across from you.  When we see you now... I 'see' a bright, special light around you and your family that's just.... special.  This is what was on my mind this very beautiful, cold and frosty morning.  I'm going to get ready to go out and ... embrace this day!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I really wasn't going to write tonight as I am tired from this long day.  But.... I've been in my art room this evening and I have some photos of Tommy sitting in there... and I came face to face with one that always smiles at me with his Tommy smile.  He was so happy in that photo.... he'd gotten to see McKenzie, his daughter.  That was a hard thing for him to get to do.  McKenzie's mother is a very good mother but, more protective than most mothers.  She just couldn't bear to share her and let her spend time with her father... just afraid.  I have to say that I do understand that from a mother's standpoint.... all mothers who love their children with their hearts can be too protective and worry so much.  I was like that as a young mother..... as a older mother and until the day my son died.  I worried that last evening about him and his family getting to Myrtle Beach because it was Memorial Day.  They made it safely there just in time for my son to play with his son on the beach for a short time... something he wanted to do so much and was looking forward to.  One of the last things I remember that evening was when the phone rang I looked at the Caller ID and it was my son's phone.... when I answered.... a strange male voice was telling me 'I have a man here collapsed on the sand and he's not breathing'.  I won't ever forget that... that's how I found out my baby, my only child, my son had died.  I went into a shock ... Skip took over then.  My husband Skip is the most perfect person for me and he is my whole world along with our two pups.  He is so protective of me and makes all better for me.  That night I told Skip to please take me to the hospital that I couldn't bear this and to tell them to drug me.... I never take drugs ..nor do I drink or smoke.  That night I was drugged and several months went by before I could become aware of everything again... Skip worried so much about me.  Truthfully..... I would have never made it through all that followed for the last year and half since Tommy died, if it hadn't been for Skip and Chadwick and Kissy.  I may have never wakened up if I didn't have them and love them so much.  The good thing is that now.... I'm stronger and am myself again... and I embrace life again with such a passion.  When I cry now... it's from missing so much and knowing I won't see my son again.  I will never forget him.  I loved him with my heart.  He was so much a part of our life. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2011 top of my Blog...

I noticed that I've misspelled at the top of my page (I have to learn how to correct that one!).... I meant 'Reflections'..... and I spelled it 'Relections'....  just wanted everyone to know!

A Walk Back In Time....on a path lost in my memories...

I have 3 sisters... Teresa, Peggy and Sharon.  Peggy and Sharon are my father's daughters by his second wife.  Teresa is my mother's daughter who became Nannie's daughter when she was but, a little infant. 

I don't keep in contact with Peggy and Sharon... we grew apart as the years went by.  It's like we don't really know each other now and I don't think any type of bond survived all this time... I never felt it when my father and grandmother died (when I saw them at the funerals).  I didn't feel anything for them at all... it was like we were strangers. 

Life can be sad and I'm used to such... beginning when I was a small girl.... I lost everyone I loved with my heart in some way beginning then... one would think I'm used to it by now and could survive anything.  That's not true... my world almost ended when I lost my only child, Tommy.  I almost wasn't strong enough to pull through that and the medicine I was given by the doctor would have made it easy to 'go'.  Never in my life have I felt such pain in the very core of my soul and my heart... it overwhelmed me and still it overwhelms me and I just bow down like a ship in the wind and I cry my very heart out.  Afterwards... I rise up again so much stronger... until it happens again and ..again.  I become more strong each time it happens until now.... I can talk about him and laugh at the wonderful, funny things he used to do and say.  Now.... I can even do artwork again and see and feel colors again... whereas all was 'dark' inside me. 

Teresa and I..... Teresa was a baby and I was 9 years old when we were thrown to my Grandma Alma and George, the only grandfather I ever knew.  No one really wanted us and I have some very sad memories about 'then'..... one of the times I was thrown there.  Teresa was crying and someone had let a pillow (or placed) fall on her head.  I can't remember past that because like a lot of memories... my mind found a way to block out alot of things. 

I know there was an aunt living there who would cuss and scream at us constantly... she was a teenager then, and very ill-tempered.  She beat me one time with a piece of wood from Grandma's box of wood... and it left streaks with blood on my legs.  I'll never forget screaming at her that I'd tell my mama whenever she came back for me.  She tried to bribe me with a Timex watch she had and I wouldn't take it from her.  Eventually my mom came back and sure enough... she 'whipped' my aunt Jeanette and she whipped her good.  I remember I was so glad because she'd hurt me so badly when she beat me with that wood.  Strangely enough, I always loved Jeanette no matter how she hurt me through the years... deeply.  Strangely enough... I never tried to hurt her back and I could have.. to pay her back for all her meanness and unfairness to me and... deceitfulness.  I just loved her and she loved me in her own way... because she would fight for me too, as a child.  I know... she did it several times and was fearless.  I love you too, Jeanette.

I can't remember all.. it's really too painful that to this day... I still feel sick inside .. I loved my brother and my sister... and they were taken away from me... they were younger than I and they probably never remembered me so.... really I was nothing to them.  But.... they were something to me and my little heart loved them and knew them... my brother and my sister... Billy (William) and Teresa.  William was taken to Wisconsin at some point and God... no one will ever know the tears I cried through the years for my little brother... it was just so awful.  The day came that my mom took Teresa and I to Mebane to my other grandmother's and to Nannie's.  I vaguely remember this kind lady and her husband there with the light behind them at their house... mom gave Teresa to them and someone told me to say goodbye or something.... my memory stops there... there's a block there.  I remember walking on the sidewalk and being with my Grandmother Lola.... my mom left us there.  I came to find out as I grew older that Nannie was a dear friend of my Grandmother Lola's and she and her husband adopted my sister, Teresa.  Mom had left me at my Grandmother Lola who was so good to me.  She was going to send me to fashion design school in New York when I graduated school... there were many wonderful dreams living there that she was going to make come true.  As time went on... my mom came back and took me away and I was back 'in hell' again being thrown around and going through so much as a child and seeing so much a child should never-ever see nor experience.  Do you know.... there's no love like a child's love for their mother?  Because no matter what my mom did or said or put me through.... I loved her with all my heart.  The tears I cried for her as a little girl........ she would leave me somewhere and not come back for so long.... just the mention of her name would send me into crying until I couldn't cry anymore.  I remember hearing adults saying please don't say my mom's name around me because I couldn't quit crying for her.  As I grew up I learned my beautiful mother was addicted to drugs and alcohol.... like many people in this world.  I didn't understand what I was seeing and hearing then... it took me until I was in my thirties to finally understand.  As time goes by... I may remember more to write about this.  For now... my chest is tight and even several tears have fallen down my face and I feel the need to just cry..... just for the sadness in life... for missing my precious mom and ...for many lost things, people in life.  My little Kissy (our 1 year old big Rottweiler puppy) has just come to play with me ... he is a live-wire full of energy and loves to 'express himself'... he really knows these words and .... goes around in a circle wagging that little short tail and being so darn cute!  It seems he and Chadwick, our Malamute-mixed pup know when I'm sad... they always come to me and their eyes are full of concern and I make them feel good by petting and loving them!  :))))))))

My brothers....

I've been thinking about my brothers, William and David, for the past several days.  We are all so distant though I know we all know we love each other very, very much.  It's the way we've all grown up away from each other as children that has made an invisible wall between us all.  Sad.. but, true.  It hurts me alot because no matter how through the years I've tried to become close... it never works.  At first, it'll seem so nice but, our bonds aren't strong enough to support it.  It doesn't take away from the love and caring though.  Really... life has been so sad in alot of respects... but, it goes on and somehow all is still okay.  I love you, William Ernest and I love you, David.  We've all had the strangest upbringing and it isn't anyone's fault... it's just how our life was.  I also, know you both love me in your own ways... and that makes all okay.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

What was that?!!!

When Tommy was a little fellow (we lived in the mountains we owned the land and home) he was riding his bicycle.  He was standing in the driveway near the spigot where I'd planted dewberry bushes..... I can still see him in my memory's eye... the sun was shining brightly matching the happy expression on his face, until.............

I saw it happen as I saw his expression change from one of little-boy happiness to one of ... ugh!!!!!  He began yelling 'what was that, what was that?!!!'  I had sat down on the ground laughing so much that I
couldn't even begin to tell him that a little bird flew over and 'squirted' purple on his precious head!  I laughed so much that for-real.... I sort of 'peed' my pants.......... I can't believe I did that... but, it's true!!! 
He put his hand on his head and it came away with 'purple' on it!  You can imagine the rest!  I was on the ground too weak to help him!   It was so funny.....

Tommy Never Knew He Couldn't Sing!

Tommy used to call me from the road and say 'Mama, you got to hear this song!'  I knew what was coming and I'd think 'oh no!'

He'd turn up his truck radio and immediately begin singing along with a song he loved at the moment.... and I'd say 'Tommy, you know you can't sing and I have to tell you!  Mamas have to tell their sons when they can't sing so, they won't embarass themselves!'

Tommy would keep singing and he'd laugh and say 'Mama, you're just jealous because you know you can't sing!'  He would say he was going to audition for Simon Cowell and the world would hear him sing.  He said he knew he could sing and he 'believed'!

Tommy never did know he really couldn't sing and it ..... sounded alot like his mama's singing!  This is a fun memory of my son.... I'd paint it the color of 'yellow'........ like the bright, happy sunshine!

Me..... Trying to Sing!!!!

Trying to sing............................................................  I really believed I could sing back years ago when I when I was 'young and pretty'.  I thought I 'had it going on'.  :)))))  In fact, I knew I could sing with my southern, country accent.  I decided I would record me singing and take it from there.  (Tommy thought he could sing.... I know where he got that from!).

I set up my recorder and put some music on and had my mirror where I could just capture my wonderful self singing and admire myself!  I had a wonderful time in the mirror as I sung and moved to the music!
I'm so glad I had that one good 'performance'.... that was the last.

Once I began replaying that recorder, I just dropped my head.... in shame!  I couldn't sing... not even the tinest bit.  It was truly awful!  I had always believed I could do anything I wanted to.... no matter how much belief I ever had.... it was shattered on that day.  Needless to say..... I recorded over me singing so, there wasn't a chance of someone accidently hearing me!

Tommy never did 'know' he couldn't sing!

I Still Think That Way......

Talking about growing older................ do you know that I've noticed some things I've never heard another senior citizen say?  Such as..... I've faithfully watched as the years go by... myself.... yes, myself to see if somehow I was going to become another person and forget everything I've ever known and if I was going to not know or remember all the things I loved.  I have discovered that I still love life with a passion and though I look older (and who wouldn't after all the battles I have endured and survived?).... I still like pretty things and happy colors and I am still the same person I know, though more mature and more wiser. 

I notice in the mirror and on other people's faces 'my age now' ..... we all have a 'tired' look on our faces and in our eyes.  I look at people 'older' and somehow the tiredness has gone and there's a gentle, soft look on their faces and in their eyes... peaceful?  I am left wondering now..... what age does that tired look leave and the relaxed, peaceful look appears on one's face?  I want it .... now.  :)))))))   I'm tired of being tired-looking.

'Tired of being tired'....... just reminded me of my brother Rick-Rick.  He used to say that when he was living.  His life was full of turmoil and it hurts me to think of him.  No matter what... I loved him with my very heart... he was my brother and he loved me just as much.  I was always closest to him and we understood each other.  I love my two brothers that are living though, their lives have gone different directions.

Anyway.... sometimes I feel so good inside and even pretty again.... I go to seek reassurance in my mirror that 'I'm still here!' and what do I see?  An older, middle-aged woman looking back at me with a tired face and tired eyes..... no matter how much I smile or be silly in the mirror.... I see an older, middle-aged woman looking back at me with a silly expression like 'I'm trying, I'm really trying to look half-way young again'.  What I do like is.... I still see a fun expression, a twinkle in the eyes... even though they are tired.... they are strong.  :)))))))))))))))  It's like me trying to sing.....

Christmas Parade on Saturday in Raleigh, NC

We are going to get up early to drive to the special place we park each year and wait for a couple of hours for the Christmas Parade to begin.  :))))  We will stop by Dunkin Donuts to get the usual boxes of doughnuts and hot coffee... we always share doughnuts with our neighbors at the parade.  This Saturday morning will be very cold making it feel wonderful to have a nice, cosy coat on along with gloves and scarf.  I think I am excited... Skip and I have always loved to do this.  Last year we took Taban with us, his mother went too.  It is one of our last memories of her in our life as her life went a different path that didn't include us.  Life is like that..... though painful.  It took time to accept it and once that happened .. it's
okay now.  I'm amazed at how much I have accepted and now..... 'it's okay and everything's going to be alright'.  I guess we find this out as we grow older.  I want to tell you something else I have found out since growing older....... it'll be in 'I Still Think That Way'..................

Monday, November 14, 2011

Boiled eggs...

Yesterday I was peeling the shells off from the eggs I boiled and as I did, I was remembering how it seemed everytime in the past I boiled eggs... Tommy would show up.  It was special because he loved boiled eggs and I would let him get as many as he wanted to eat.  Tommy can't show up now but, I
wonder if in spirit he could be 'there'?  I miss you, Son.

I Can See Tommy..

We were up at the old place feeding the feral cats that we fed through the years of living there (from January 01, 2005 until February 2011). 

I stood and as I looked around I could still 'see' Tommy up
on the roof walking around powerwashing the house, and down by the sidewalk as he hugged me goodbye and at the storm door as he told me in his happy, excited way that he was going to the beach 'tomorrow' (May 29, 2010) and he was going to share Taban's first time playing at the ocean, and I could see him where he was sitting in driveway (I found out he had fallen there... Skip said he'd fallen twice), and as he powerwashed our pickup and Expedition. 

I could see him sitting at the picnic table hungrily eating the sandwiches I had made for him from Black Forest ham, roast beef and turkey.. I could 'hear' him saying 'Mama, these are the best sandwiches I ever ate!' I remember looking at him smiling and saying 'no, they aren't, Tommy' and he said 'yes, they are!' 

He left driving his white pickup and I stood on the sidewalk smiling and waving at him and saying 'I love you, Son'.  That was the last time I ever saw my son and it hurts so bad. 

I can see his smile back at me.  I miss you, Son.  It hurts so bad that you are gone.  I sit here with tears falling from my eyes and my heart hurts.  You've been gone since May 29, 2010 and I have not forgotten you even for one minute.  My only child........

Friday, November 11, 2011

Tommy's Sunshine Smile.....and just a few memories

I am sitting here looking at the spot of golden sunshine on my table in my artroom.  For some reason it makes me think of my son who died May 29, 2010.  Tommy was 'golden'... his hair was golden blonde and his eyes were blue-green depending on what he wore, he was a tall, handsome guy with a smile that was like the sunshine shining on a cloudy day... it warmed one's heart to the core to have it bestowed on them.  The twinkle in his eyes was something to see, too.... one knew he was going to be so mischievious and you might become the one the joke was on!  It was never in a way to hurt and always funny.  I miss my son.... the way the sun is shining this evening made me think of him.

Tommy had a laugh that he did sometimes that would just tickle me to no end.  When he'd do it for me I would laugh until I hurt inside.  It was his Cowardly Lion laugh.... that would begin very slowly and it'd build up until he would become so tickled at himself... we both would laugh until we cried. 

Every day I think of my son and my heart misses him.  I still can't believe he's gone and I can't describe the feeling that overwhelms me when I think he really is.  Skip and I both talk about him all the time and like me, Skip says a day never goes by without him thinking of Tommy.  They were very close.

11-11-11 is today's date...

Today is 11-11-11 ..I read that one can make a wish because the date is what it is.  :))))  My wish is to be financially and medically and mentally stable for many wonderful years to come!  :))))

Fifty One Year Old Timex Watch....

Yesterday I was going through an old jewelry pouch and came across the watch without the band that I had as a nine year old girl.  It's a Timex watch.  On the the face there's a scar from a hard fall I took when I was little.  I hit a rock with my hand when I fell at my grandma's house... it chipped the face. The fall took my breath away when I hit the ground... I always remember trying to get it back when I think about that fall.   All through the years when I take it out I pull out the stem and rewind it... I have to tap it several times, also.. and it begins to work.  I'm amazed.  Someday I'll tell Timex about that little watch.  It has been through alot of stories in my life.....

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Grandchildren, Friends and Skip & Pups....

Yesterday, November 02, 2011, we ate roasted turkey for the first time this season.  Kissy Fairchild and Chadwick Elsworth and Skip and I really enjoyed eating it.  We sang Happy Birthday to Kissy.  :))))))))

I've been thinking about how to make my art room more colorful and more interesting.  My art room has become so important to me, moreso.. since Tommy has been gone and I've begun to feel creative again.

I've been making a suncatcher for my special friend named Tori.  She is a young girl who is so creative
and I look forward to the things she makes for me... like myself, there's no telling what she will think of next.  I'm also, working on a Thanksgiving card for her.

I began making jewelry and one day gave her a bracelet never expecting anything back... the next thing I knew... Tori had created jewelry and gave it to me!  Since then... (this summer) we draw and make jewelry and create things and swap them back and forwards.  How special is that!  

I've given so many of my drawings away and jewelry since I've been making it... and no one ever gave me anything back and honestly... I never expected anything in return.  So imagine my surprise when I began getting wonderful things Tori created ..just for me!  :)))  I was so honored.

I am inspired by Tori's artwork and it's helped me to begin drawing and painting again.  I'm so thankful, I've wished to draw and paint and I couldn't get past the sadness in my heart.  Thank-you, Tori, you've been a godsend.

I've begun the Christmas birthday poster I wanted to make for Curves.  I've been drawing, painting and cutting out 'all'... and I have them ready to place on a poster.  I want to have alot of things created to put on the poster... so, I began early to have time to do them.  I did the October and November poster for them.  There were so many compliments and they made me feel good inside.  Years ago when I worked in the hospital, every month I would make an elaborate poster with that month's theme and put  the birthdays on it for that month.  People really looked forward to it.  Now... my happycolors on the wall there are looked forward to and loved.  It makes me feel good.

I've been thinking about my grandson, Taban... also, my granddaughter, Taylor.  I wish that I could be
closer to them but, life has a way of taking us on separate paths.  Nevertheless, I love them with my Heart, they are my son's children and as close to him as I could possibly be.  He wanted me to be close to them...  maybe one day.  I am Granny Gee to Taban and to Taylor.... I have no idea what I am to her.  She's a beautiful little girl whom in my mind I hold a special memory of us walking and talking and I really liked her as a person... this was several years ago.  I felt we could become close but, our paths go in opposite directions.

My blog that I began yesterday will be one of 'just me and what I think and feel'... not important to anyone but, myself.  It will be spontaneous and not planned... just what is going on at the time I write.

I have just finished doing artwork on a box and a coffee filter of all things and a big envelope for my sister, Teresa.  I made Tori's suncatcher with a coffee filter, also.  She had made me several that I have hanging in my art room.  I love to use Mod Podge to seal and protect and to make all look finished.  I will mail Teresa's package today.... inside holds a dragonfly bookmarker that I made out of imagination... in memory of Tommy.  I've given several to different people I like or love so, when they use it and look at it... they think of him.  He will never be forgotten.

I wrapped gold wire and used beads to make the dragonflies.  I made one for Skip's desk and I have one on my art table.  I gave Nancy, my closest friend since childhood, a dragonfly bookmark and she loves it.  She thought alot of Tommy.

It's time to embrace the day... it will be daylight in alittle while.  (5:02 am at this moment)................

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Today is Kissy Fairchild's Birthday.... born 11-02-2010

Today ..November 02, 2011.. is Kissy Fairchild's birthday.  He is one year old.

HappyColors and Granny Gee..... That's Me!

November o2, 2011..... Today I begin a blog... something I've never done before.  I will learn as I go.  I love happy colors in my life... I love drawing and painting and beading with happy-colored paints and markers, color pencils and beads.  Life is color to me.  If I could name myself it would be HappyColors!  'Colors' in my life are also, the stories in my life.

I am Taban's Granny Gee... a special name my son gave me for his son, Taban, when he was
born.  My son, Tommy, died on May 29, 2010 when Taban was 3 years old.  It was a weekend
meant to be relaxing and happy and for Tommy to share Taban's first time playing at the ocean. 

Tommy and Taban were running and playing, squealing and laughing in the sand.  They were having a wonderful time.  I know that while he was playing with Taban he had a smile on his face and laughter in his heart and was in the beautiful, golden sunshine feeling the ocean breeze and smelling the ocean.  He was hearing the wonderful laughter and squeals of happiness from his small son.... I feel like he walked into heaven from there with a smile on his face.  I can see his smile now.

Tommy was 40 years old and had two blockages in his heart that no one was aware of.  I've never known such grief in my life as the evening I was told my son died.  All the happy colors in my life faded to ....nothing and inside... I died.  It was the worst thing in my life.  This was
May 29, 2010.

I have come so far in the past months.... Skip, my husband, and our pups Kissy Fairchild and Chadwick Elsworth make my life special and have been there for me.  We have moved to a nice, cosy home and I am around people each day now.  I've begun drawing and painting and creating in my artroom again and... I feel colors again and they are more beautiful than ever.

I create dragonflys by drawing them or in wire wrapping and beads in many colors... just whatever I 'feel'.  This is in remembrance of my son, Tommy.  He was born November 20, 1969 and died May 29, 2010.  He was my only child and I truly loved him with my very heart.

This is the beginning of HappyColors and Granny Gee... That's Me!  Gloria