Monday, November 28, 2011

Little Christmas Tree.....2011

Well... we got up our Christmas tree for this year... it's nothing like what we used to put up prior to Tommy's death.  In fact.... when we moved in February this year.... I was still deep into that shock and grief over my son's death...... I didn't remember giving all of our Christmas decorations we'd collected for some time... away.  We also, gave our  7 foot prelit tree away with it's beautiful Christmas skirt.  I'm glad we gave it to my brother, David.... but, I can't really remember it for the state of mind I was in.

This Christmas tree is 4 feet and is very pretty for a small tree... it's really quite simple with the lights and only big red Christmas balls on it.  It's comforting to look at and it won't be much to take down at the end of Christmas.

Skip always loved to decorate outside and he was going to decorate the porch.... he took the garland and lights outside.. about 30 minutes later I looked out to see the progress he'd made.  He was just sitting there holding the lights in his hands and staring off in space.

Tommy being gone has done something to us... he was a part of our life that was most important.... and he's gone.  We are so thankful to have our pups, Kissy and Chadwick, that is our world now.  When I
think of Tommy I just hold my head down and close my eyes and feel 'inside' grief and tears.  I feel such a deep sadness and even just a little anger that my son is gone. 

I realize I can't say if or if only or I wish he were back... I have to face the harsh reality that he's forever gone.  I have to go on in life and pretend everything is alright, I'm alright and the world is alright... for
others' benefit.  I have to hide the pain and grief inside my heart so, that I don't pull other people's moods down or burden them.  I'm private and I don't talk easily to others about what is close to my heart.... so, no one has to ever worry about me going on and on about missing my son.  This is my blog and I can say it as many times as I want to... and no one has to keep reading it if it bothered them.  That's one reason I am glad I began blogging... I can say things 'in the air' and if anyone is interested ..they can read... if not, they can go on their way to something else... and every thing's alright.

I miss you, Son.  I miss Tommy... I miss you, Tommy................. I miss you... I really miss you... how I wish you were here, Son.  My big, handsome golden-haired son with his sunshine smile and soft voice who also, loved his mama, and Skip with his heart.  He loved his son and daughter with his heart.  I really miss you, Tommy.  We miss talking to you everyday, we miss your laugh and funny jokes and... I have to say I miss your 'singing'.......... and you really couldn't sing at all... but, I loved it... that meant my son was happy when he was.... singing.  I would love to hear you sing now, Son.  Of course, I would have to tell you 'Tommy, you really can't sing at all' and not to let others hear it... they wouldn't understand that you were 'trying' to sing!  Then again... who cares if you were really here to sing?  It would mean you were here and how wonderful that would be.

I've indulged in saying how much I miss Tommy and I've wished all I wanted to 'for now' for my son to be back.  Now... I'm alright for a while and, I didn't burden anyone and I am going to be fine.  I never could imagine the pain parents live with for the rest of their lives nor could I understand how they could ever smile or laugh again when their child died.... I do  I know some parents are never right again after the death of their child.... one really has to work at handling/coping in the healthiest way possible.... I like to think I'm doing that. 

Little Christmas Tree.... 2011............ to missing Tommy with my heart.  Christmas really will be empty without you, Son.  We will smile and be happy and pretend all is just fine.... deep down both Skip and I will be thinking of you.  You were so important in our life and you knew you were loved and respected and cared about by us.  Our big Christmas tree became a small Christmas tree... and though it's small and simple this time...... it really is comforting and means alot to us.  It will help to keep darkness and sadness at bay during the Christmas holidays.  It's magical and wonderful and
happy... we need that.  This little Christmas tree will lighten our hearts and comfort us... it's amazing what something so small and simple .... can do.  It does bring a smile in my heart when I look at it.

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