Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Monday, November 21, 2011
Yesterday..... November 20, 2011.... was my son, Tommy's birthday. He would have been 42 years old. I have been so sad this past week thinking and remembering just before his birth because I had a difficult time giving birth to my only child. I had gone into my 10th month and labor was induced and all that good stuff... on a Monday morning and Tommy was born on the following Thursday morning. The night before on the 19th.... an earthquake happened and I remembered being in such pain and sitting on the hospital bed cross-legged and my bed moved.... I didn't know what had happened but, my thought was 'waves of pain'. The next morning on the 20th.... I had my beautiful baby boy who weighed 8 lbs 4 1/2 oz and was 21 inches long... by natural childbirth... and it was so hard. I decided then, I could never bear that kind of pain again to have another child... and I was so happy to have Tommy. I remember during the first few months that I began to worry about the things he would have to experience growing up and go through things we all do that can hurt us deeply... I remember crying my heart out wishing I'd never had even one child to go through things I wouldn't be able to protect him from. My son went through so much I couldn't protect him from... he went through such grief in his life and all I could do was to just be there. One day I will write about what happened one year and a couple weeks before he died... such a tragedy that affected him so much and he could hardly bear the grief... indirectly this helped lead to his death. Just the caring so much and the pain he carried in his heart...making it stay so heavy with sadness and grief..... Tommy had a breakdown from all that just a few weeks before he, himself, died. He never could get past what had happened and what he saw...no matter it wasn't his fault and it couldn't have been prevented... no matter how everyone told him. Tommy never wanted anyone to be hurt or bad things happen to them... his heart was so big just like mine, and like Skip's heart. The dates I remember that affected Tommy's life are: May 19, 2009, April 1, 2010, and the day he died... May 29, 2010. I will write about them one day and how it destroyed Tommy on the inside. I saw him cry over this several times saying 'mama, it hurts so bad'. My son who cared about everyone and everything.................. May 19th is also, the date that my brother Rick-Rick died before the tragedy in Tommy's life.... Tommy loved him very much. 'One day' I will write about those dates... May 19, 2009/April 01, 2010/May29, 2010... I will title it as such.....