Thursday, December 8, 2011

A Child Looking Through The Eyes Of An Adult.....

This morning I answered an email to my best friend, Ms Nancy.  She had written a 'quiet' email telling me that now she understood 'why' I couldn't stay there as a child and run away... and 'why' now, I couldn't live in that house... Grandma Alma and George's house.  Her email seemed subdued and I sensed for the first time that it struck home to her 'why'.  Before.. I always made light of it and never dwelled long enough in a conversation on it... she had never heard these things before.  I never told many people... I never tell many people anything. 

I've been private most all my life and moreso, the
older I get.  I am a 'good, private' person....  :))))  Do you see my reference to 'good' all the time?  It's because each I am measuring everything I do and studying it in my mind to see if I've been a good person... I don't want to hurt others nor take from them or do anything that I have to 'see' in my mind at night... that's... bad.... that I've done.

That doesn't make me weak... some people will make a mistake to think that I am such a good person that they can 'walk on me'................  I'm good and I'm strong, and can hold my ground and as good as I try so hard to be... I won't let anyone take advantage of me.  That would be bad.

Below is the email I wrote in answer to Ms Nancy ... Ms Nancy lived in the house next door to my Grandma Alma and George's house.... never knowing that just a few yards away her friend was going through hell just to survive.  I would hide my tears and hurt when other people saw me so, they wouldn't know.... I must have fooled them so good. 

I'd be smiling when Ms Nancy and I saw each other and sometimes we played and danced together.  Ms Nancy and I were little girls who loved to dance, dance, dance.  :)))))))))))))))  I got lost in another 'happy world' when I got to play with Ms Nancy.  Though it didn't last long and I was brought back to reality when I walked across the yard to go back.. I had a little happiness in my heart ... just for a little while and I knew one person my age... liked me.  She never knew the nightmares I lived... I never told her.  When I'd get to play with her... I never dwelled on the bad, all I could see was sunshine and grab the moment for what it was... pure happiness.

Another thing I think about... about my little sister, Teresa.  I'm so thankful her 'road' bypassed living the nightmare I did... she would have been so fragile.  I've often thought of her through the years about 'if' she'd had to live in the life that was chosen for me as a child.  Someone placed a pillow over her head when she was a baby........ no one knows who did it... she also, was living in that portal to hell just as I was.  She and I both were given away just after that... I could hear Grandma and George wondering 'who' had done that to Teresa... she was just a baby.  Someone grew tired of hearing a baby cry... for love and attention.  What sad little children we were...  what sad little innocent children.

Before I put my email to her I will say that finally so, much of what has been trapped inside me has a place to go.... of course, I'll always have my secrets like everyone does and there'll be things that I won't talk about.... they are a part of my life that hurts the most, with the exception of my son dying.  His death is worse than it all... and if he could come back... I'd go right back through it all to have him back.  The reality is ... he can't come back no matter what I do or say... no matter what.  I can't change it but, I can go forward... finally I am at this point... what a road it was to travel to make it here.  I can go forward and just not forget him and live a good life. 

Writing my 'book'... you are learning about me...just as I'm learning about 'me'.  Isn't it amazing that I didn't grow up to be a really rough person wanting to pull out a can of 'whip ass' all the time and beat everyone up?  Isn't it amazing that I didn't drink liquid courage all the time and be a really 'bad' person or be addicted to drugs doing all kinds of things?  I look back in my 'family' and I 'see why' ..... now.  I see they couldn't bear all the things and could only go to certain points in their life and turn to whatever vices, be it liquor or beer, or drugs... to be able to live out the rest of their lives... they didn't keep running away from like... I did.  Running saved me in a way.  I don't run anymore.  I'm old enough now.....  Oh.... about the can of 'whip ass'... I have to say someone put that little video of some little alien person singing about pulling its can of 'whip ass' out to take care of somebody..........  I became so tickled at it, the sound of the voice watching it.... so, that's stuck in my mind for now... and I had to use those words.  As Tommy always said with a smile ...'I roll like that'!
:)))  I miss my beautifully, funny son with my heart. I feel the tears ..again.  Oh.. again.... for each person in my family I love and care about you all... and I understand now.  The years can't be taken back now.... now, I'm going 'oh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhh, now... I 'see'.  Life sure can be so sad.

Here is the email I wrote this morning to Ms Nancy..........................................................................

Good morning Ms Nancy,

I'm glad you 'see' alittle now, of what I mean. You've only found out a fraction that over time I will think about how to write it.. some things will never be written. I remember going to school

from Grandma's being made fun of by children who lived in nice, clean houses and wore the nicest of clothes.. I remember looking at them and I remembered 'what I used to live in' and was

'just as good as them'. When my life broke apart I was stripped of it all and .. nobody cared.... and the children who had liked me... no longer could bear to be around me and they only knew

to make fun. I don't ever remember making fun of someone even when I had it all and looked 'the best', and lived in beautiful homes, traveled. My biggest problem then, was vanity... one day I will

put photos here to show what I mean.. I was in my glory at one time... and became too vain. My lessons concerning that were hard but, I learned from it.   Love, Gloria      I am going to copy and paste this email to put in my blog to save from writing it again. Someday I hope the kids

from that day will read what they did to a innocent child who couldn't ever understand 'why' have they turned against me and 'why' did you treat me like that. I know the answers now and of

course, I forgive........... kids don't know any better than to be honest with what they see, hear and feel. That's what they were doing and... they were innocent, also.... they really didn't know

each time they did that to me..... they left a scar inside from the slashes of their words and actions... just like striking out with a knife. I carry those scars now... but, no one can see them. Skip

knows they are there.. Tommy knew they were there. Through the years I've pointed out to them the kids who are adults now, and told them what they did to me as a little girl.... I really can't

bear to even look in the faces of some of those people, adults and kids alike... I remember how they looked down on me and.... treated me at a time I desperately needed someone. I forgive

them but, ...I'll never forget them. In fact, when we went out to eat Thanksgiving dinner this year.... it was ruint when the next table filled up with some of the very people I'm talking about...

their expressions on their face made my stomach knot up inside and I told Skip I couldn't eat. They didn't know me but, I could see they wondered who I was because I probably looked

familiar to them. I was the little child they contributed to making life hell ...for. I was in an adult looking back at them.... they couldn't recognize me. I did feel anger and hate for a few moments

but, that never solves anything. I just wished them good in my mind and I got up and walked away in my life with my husband... the strange thing is that I went on to be a really good person. I

saw some of them at that table sitting there... and through the years I've heard about the things 'they' did... isn't it ironic? Yes, I think this whole email will be my entry today. I love you, Ms

Nancy. Thank-you for always being there.

1 comment:

  1. I can't even imagine how horrible your child life was. No one child or even adult should have had to go through what you went through. It breaks my heart to know that you were going through that and I next door didn't know. Probably a good thing I didn't know because I would have stirred up trouble for those hurting you----my friend----my precious friend---that is what you were and still are to me. I was there for you then and I will always be here for you now! Love, Ms. Nancy