My half-sister, my 'dad's daughter', Sharon's birthday was on the same day as mine... February 14th. She was exactly one year younger than I. Mary Ruth was giving 'us' a birthday party at the beautiful log house we lived in... everything was sparkling that night and it was exciting to have a real birthday party that was...
for me too! We invited friends, I can't remember if I invited anyone but, there were alot of people there.
The music was playing and all the teenagers were dancing and eating and I don't even remember what I was doing ... I was so happy... I was at 'my party too'... only too briefly.
I was told to go into the kitchen and stay and I did. I wasn't to go back out to the party. I didn't know why but, I knew I couldn't just sit down in a chair and wait for it all to be over. I began washing pots and pans and any dishes and drying them and putting them up. I was so upset and I kept wondering why, why, why? I was so embarassed, also... all those people we knew from school knew me, too. My dad came into the kitchen and in his pleasant voice he talked to me and now, I can't remember what he said to me... it was sarcastic but, in a pleasant tone of voice. He was good like that.... sometimes I catch myself being like that and I have to stop myself... it hurts people deeply.
I don't know what made them take me away from the birthday party... the only birthday party I ever 'had'... even if it was a shared birthday party, I was so happy.... I never got to enjoy or know how it felt. I think it was to do with attention from boys... but, in my mind I was fat and ugly (I had no idea that I was far from being fat and ugly until I ran away and lived with my mother!). I remember another incident that had to do with boys, rather a boy. That was when we went to West Virginia to visit someone ...we were dancing that evening with boys at the family's home we were visiting.... when we came home I was told I was in trouble for dancing too close to the boy I danced with. I never knew I did that! I just danced and I loved to dance so much as a young girl... my friend, Nancy, knows that well.... we danced as little girls when I lived at my Grandma Alma's.... so, did Sylvia and I... my cousin.
Mary Ruth told me I was grounded for a month for dancing too close to the boy and couldn't shave my legs for that long.. and she was leaving to visit her mother in Montana... and she'd be calling to check to see if I was obeying her. I never shaved my legs and everyday I wore stockings when I couldn't shave them... my legs burned and was irritated by the tiny hairs growing on my legs. I will always believe she found ways to make me look bad to my father so, he wouldn't love me and wouldn't want to be close to me. It worked... it worked so well that I will tell some things he did that hurt me deeply........ My Dad And The Doorways....
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)