I've noticed lately that I had to put a distance between myself and a woman that I would love to be good friends with... and a cousin whom I've always loved with my heart. I feel overwhelmed when anyone comes too close to my comfort zone... I am the best friend possible from a distance. I don't know how to be friends and run around with girlfriends to shop and do things. I might be a disappointment to people seeming like I am more than I really am... they may think I'm more important than I really am.... they may think I'm more interesting than I really am... I can't take that chance to get 'too close' to a ... woman friend.. except from a distance. They might not can accept me for 'me and not like me... I might not can like them .... later. Another thing that rings through my mind all these years affecting my decisions to be friends with another woman.....
My Grandma Alma and my mother always told me 'familiarity breeds comtempt'. I've found this to be true.... when people get too familiar and know everything about the other ...especially women... what do they do? They begin to become an authority on their 'friend's' life and progress to get into it to make sure their husband is taken care of 'properly'... and completely ruin their 'friend's' life.
These are the kind of friends I had as a young adult woman and as I grew up..... I watched the 'best' in action and know well the games that are played... I chose never to play them because at one time... I would have been the 'best'. Somewhere as a child ...I learned respect for other people.... I just can't think 'who taught me'. I witnessed alot of pain when I saw those games being played out... and I also, felt.... the pain of being betrayed several times in my young life married the first time. I always respected other women and never played those games... my 'friends' chose to do otherwise. Oh... even my aunt... betrayed me... and my cousin... two females in my family that I grew up loving with my very heart... with my first husband. He was at fault and he was young.... and he loved women... he was at fault, also. But... people make choices but, who am I to say anything...... I've made bad choices and growing up I learned from them to do better. I forgave my first husband and I 'let go' of him and walked away.
Now..... Linda, you are right...... these things I've mentioned and the things I don't mention.... have caused me to miss out on really good friends I would have truly loved to have... but, I can't ...after all these years ... I just ...can't. But... I can if someone understands and accepts me on my terms. I'm a wonderful and good friend and a loyal friend.... at a distance. I have one friend that seems to know this instinctively.... that's my best friend... Ms Nancy. She accepts me just as I am. I do that with people, also. I love you, Ms Nancy... you are my 'sister' as well as my friend.
I know this is unusual and it stems from from childhood and how I was treated by 'women'. I can only be close to them at a distance. I do miss out, Linda, on alot just as you said but, I also... don't set myself up for the pain and grief that I know would surely come later from being so, close. I love people but, I'm used to being on the outside... I'm always invited to do this and to do that... and women trust me because they know without saying that I'm not going to hurt their life.... and they ask me all the time to 'let's do this, let's do that'. How I wish I could... but, I can't.... I'd better 'stay outside'............... and not let anyone know me but, just so much... and me know 'them' but, just so much. That saying that was taught to me rings in my head... 'familiarity breeds comtempt'. I don't want to feel that nor do I want someone to feel that toward me. That really hurts..... I do know how it feels. If I know how something feels, I can't intentionally cause that for anyone... I don't want them to feel that kind of pain.
I have to be friends and 'family' in my own way or I would begin to suffocate inside. The love I feel inside rivals anyone else's love for their family and friends.. it's there always. I was rejected so much as a little child when I was so innocent... and I have really big scars from it all. If these scars could be seen........... I would look hideous. Thankfully we can hide scars such as this and put on a happy and positive face and push that all back in our minds. I can understand 'now'...
'why' on alot of reasons people did me the way they did me as a little child.... and I've forgiven a long time ago.... and I still love them.
Most of them have died by now.... never realizing that they are immortal.. and not 'forgotten'.... I remember them well. You'll always be remembered until the day I also, die... you'll never be forgotten for the pain and gried you all inflicted on me... but, what's so good about something so bad......... is that 'it's alright now....it's really alright now'.......... and I'm okay... I chose to be okay........it took years but, I really am okay. Even at this very moment, I can smile and am smiling... even if it's a sad smile. I love you all and at times, I saw that you loved me too.. just for a little while at a time... and when your life wasn't good.... I knew it so well because I also, got to feel pain... mental and physical pain. I was so happy when you all were happy. Life was good... for a little while .. from time to time.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)