MEMORIES... HERE I GO ... AGAIN
Friday, 30 December, 2011
Don't hit me again! The young girl of 14, struggled to get away from the woman who was slapping her and pulling her hair. She wasn't succeeding because... she wasn't fighting back. She'd never thought to do such a thing! This was her aunt and she respected her... but, why does she keep trying to beat her like this?
The young girl wasn't the most behaved child... she'd 'been on her own'... trying to grow up all the while she lived at her grandparents' house. She was just so ignorant of life, and she had a sharp tongue and spoke just what she thought... it always got her into trouble.
No one had time for just 'her'.... though, her grandmother loved to talk to her. She remembers going in there in that 'middle room'.... the 'arena' as she named it when she learned 'what' that word meant.
She would sit 'Indian' fashion on the floor in front of her grandmother to listen to things she would tell her. Grandma always said 'you are my favorite grandchild'.
Later in life, she smiles softly thinking... 'that's special... because grandma told 'each' of her grandchildren that... making each think they were the favorite'. She'd make each child promise not to tell the others.
When they became adults and talked.. it finally came out in their conversations... 'I was grandma's favorite'. This 'girl' in this adult smiled .... she 'knew'... and understood why her grandmother did that... special.
The girl could hear her grandmother and her grandfather yelling in the background 'leave that child alone!'
For once and for the first time... the girl began to feel an anger inside, a rage so strong and the thought came into her mind... 'I'm tired of being beaten and slapped around and I can't take anymore!'
The girl jerked away from her aunt, the woman she loved so much.. the woman who would protect her just as quickly as she would strike out at her, and.............................she told her aunt in a quiet voice 'don't you ever touch me again, because the next time you do... I'll be the one beating you'.
Her aunt stood there staring at the young girl standing there before her... she stared for a moment and turned and walked away. She never hit that young girl again.
The young girl began crying, she was scratched up and in pain. Her right arm had a bad scratch from her aunt's fingernails... it was bleeding... alot. The 'girl' in the adult now... just rolled her sleeve up and looked down at that scar on her.. right arm. It hurts her to look at it... it hurts her even now, that she said that to her aunt... she loved her.
The girl in the adult now...... thinks of something 'when you keep abusing something... you'd better be prepared'... it's definitely going to... 'bite you in the a____' (yes, I said that.... it will definitely 'bite you in the a___').
That sounds ugly... and it is ugly to have to feel like that. Abusing a child .. a innocent child who doesn't fully understand 'why' everyone keeps taking their rage out on her.. is going to break.
That day... I became determined I would fight back and not let anyone abuse me again..... yes, I was the young girl... at that time my name was 'Faye'.... a name I hate even today. 'Faye'........................................ if you just knew what saying that name ..evokes. 'Faye'... awful memories, just awful.
On both sides of the 'family' (my mother, my father's)... when someone would call me ...'Gloria Faye'.... 'I knew my a____ was in trouble'. That was exactly what went through my mind and I see no reason to 'sugar-coat' it ... now.
The next time I was abused was by my.... step-mother and my father... I didn't fight back... the shock was so great of being lied on by my sisters and stepmother................... and that my father slapped me so hard in the face.... the first and last time he ever did that.
I trusted those people and thought they were 'perfect'.... they brainwashed me into thinking my mother's side of the family were the most awful, trashiest people in the world.... when I left them... I began to open my eyes and through the years ... 'see'....... my mother's side of the family weren't all trashy and 'they weren't just trashy on that side of the family'........ I saw things that somehow, I couldn't see when I was at my father's. I had to be at a distance.................. no, my father and his family weren't 'perfect'... not at all. How could they have fooled a young girl so completely?
I learned they could lie and cheat, and I learned my 'family' on that side of the family did 'bad' things, too. I remember being so shocked to learn that my cousin, one of my father's nieces, was drug addicted and had made my Grandmother Lola... afraid of her.
Amazing... I thought his side of the 'family' was... perfect. I can't believe even now... that they could also, do wrong. I look back even now, at my memory of seeing my cousin.... I thought she was 'perfect', too.
My Grandmother Lola told me some things just weeks before she died..... no, she wasn't perfect at all... nor were my stepmother and father.
My Grandmother Lola told me... 'I've made a horrible mistake'... and later I found out what she meant.... I went into shock again. This ..I will probably not ever tell in full detail... it's just too painful and .. it shows the true greed of people 'who pretend they love someone'... it pertained to me.
I'd been cheated........ and it was at my 'ultimate' weakness in life... when I was on the brink of dying.... you know, I really had a deceitful, dishonest, manipulative stepmother... I never knew it until it was ... too late. She finally got my mother back... me, included. If you just knew..... I don't hate her now. I'm past ... the pain now. I forgive, also.
Strangely enough, she was diagnosed with cancer and within several weeks ... she died. When she did her 'bad thing'.... I was dying with cancer... non-Hodgkins lymphoma. She and my father came to look down at me in the hospital.... pretending to care... all the while someone was plotting. What people will do ..to get a dollar.... alot of dollars.
As an adult, I'm still learning.... how dumb could I have been to think they were so... perfect? No one on my mother's side of the family knew them... they didn't know anyone on my mother's side of the family.. they only knew someone whenever they clashed... over me. I wonder now 'why' they even ...bothered.
I think no one knew what to do with 'me'. I was tolerated because I was Gypsy's daughter... on the outside of me I fooled people... because I was always dressed so nice, I acted so nice and I was quiet when living with him. I did reflect well on them... no one knew the mental abuse.. I suffered.
I think my mother loved using me as a pawn to get extra money from my father and his mother. My mother should have left me at my Grandmother Lola's home to grow up. I loved my mother with my heart and when she wanted 'me' in her life.... of course, I went. She would make us a home .. for a little while.
I find myself thinking back to my father slapping me... I wonder 'why' he did that? I wonder 'why' he was so quick to believe a lie? I wonder 'if' he ever loved me?
I know they dressed me well, had a beautiful home to live in, good foods to eat... but, I think they forgot that a young girl needs love... but, strangely enough... his step-daughter and other daughter had love. They were always so happy and spoiled, quick to smile and they reflected that love.
You would have thought I'd been so jealous of them and would have been asking them 'why' was I treated so differently.... because I was given the cold shoulder so often, and cold expressions... and it made a permanent sick feeling in my stomach.
I never thought to be jealous... isn't that weird? I never argued or cried out 'why don't you love me too!' Never. I accepted what happened to me and ... though no one ever noticed... I just kept trying to do better and be a better person.
No one noticed........ I didn't care... I just kept on surviving the storms and kept on living.... I'm still here and ... I don't hold anything against anyone... and if you knew all I could tell you... all of you would.
It's alright .. I've always thought somehow ... no matter how bad things have gotten.... it's going to be alright... as soon as... next week at this time... things have to be different... I'll be glad when next... week comes... things should be better by ...then.
Sure enough.... at times on that particular road in my life ... things would get alright... at least for a little while at a time.
Goodness, when it did... it was like the sunshine coming out on a cloudy day and I... like a wilted flower... would stand straight and blossom! This happened on the 'inside' of me... I had so much pride that when it wasn't alright... I held my head high, regardless.
I didn't let people 'see' how badly they hurt me... I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. 'That'.... I could control in my life. No one saw the awful pain 'inside' and my 'inside tears'... no one 'heard me wish so much to be just loved and cared about'.
I didn't ask anyone to, either.
When I love ... I tell people I love them now. This has taken many years to learn to do. I was never taught to do that...when Tommy was born... I began telling him that his mother loved him and he was special.
The sad thing is that ...that love never stopped bad things from happening to us throughout time. Life has been so full of really bad storms... and good storms and bad storms... many twisted paths and many... journeys. Happy colors, dark colors, swirling colors, calm colors...... wonderful colors.... painful colors.
I've stood through them all so far... just like I would tell Lena when she was fighting for her life... you are a strong redwood tree and you have weathered many storms ... I know, because I am one, too. I thought she could weather this storm but, sadly... she didn't... but, I really thought she would. She thought.. she would, too.
I think for tonight.... I'll put these memories up ...for now. I still have so, so much to write... in fact, I think I'll be writing for the rest of my life.... there's so many things that I haven't even begun to say. There are many special things, even real miracles in my life, so many wonderful things...that have happened in my life, too.
One thing at a time... :))))))) I can't write about 'one thing at a time'! My mind thinks about many things at a time and sometimes, my fingers are flying on the keyboard trying to keep up with my thoughts.
Writing... is wonderful and I find myself... so excited to get back to my computer and keyboard .... I love talking to you through my writing.
Just keep one thing in mind.... even though some things can be so bad or so sad..... and it felt like the end of the world for me.... I'm still here and I'm not a bitter, mean person. My heart is so full of love, and I have forgiven a long time ago.
I keep having a thought that keeps popping up in my mind... there is the one person I 'thought' I truly hated and feel very angry toward... I don't hate that person, though I do feel the anger... it isn't the end of the world. My anger did feel like 'hate' at the time... time has shown me it isn't 'hate'... it's the anger. In this circumstance... after time has gone by... I still feel the anger ... at this person. I, also, love this person very much and always will... I always did.
Do you see how I 'don't want to feel anything 'bad' toward anyone?' Most people would feel alot of 'bad' things in this situation... I truly don't want to, and I constantly work on it in my heart.
Being an 'older' woman now... I can 'see' now, at least 'why' about alot of things ...now. I don't dwell on any of it... though.. when I bring such memories out into the light... I 'feel' them for the time I am writing about them...... I'm 'walking around them, examining them' and ..... I can't help but, to feel deeply what happened ...back then. When I stop writing .. I go on to live in my present life... and 'let go'. I never dwell on the past.. I go forward.
Feeling, sensing, 'seeing' ... going back... I get lost as I write those memories from my past... and when I finish writing.... (I always 'know' when I'm done.... just as when I draw and paint.... I 'know').... when I finish writing... I go back and read.
I 'see' how I got lost on the paths that led to each memory to write about them.... I think... it always feels so good to travel those paths back to reality.. to now.
I'm back now... I'm finished just for right now. :)))))) Goodnight and I'll talk to you tomorrow.