Thoughts About Christmas 2010-2011...The Sky.. Living and Dying
Sunday, 18 December, 2011
I was sitting here thinking about Christmas... which is next Sunday. I told Skip that everything will be gearing up for next weekend, Christmas.
I was thinking that last Christmas...2010... we were in a stage of shock from not long losing Tommy and Christmas... meant nothing without him. He was our main focus in life... he was part of 'our' world.... he was 'ours'.
When he died... my whole world almost ended with him. Think in your mind of a chair......... it has 4 legs. If 2 legs collapse... the chair falls to the ground on that side no matter... that the other 2 legs are trying as hard as they can.. to lift it back up. Unless the legs finds some strength fast.. it's doomed to stay down... to just lay there 'forever' with no hope of ever... getting up again.
Unless... the other '2 legs'...keep prodding and pushing ..constantly to make the 'other leg' stand up! Skip and our Pups...were the 'chair's'... other 2 legs! We lost one of the equally-as important legs.. and when 'I' collapsed.. it left Skip and the Pups... fighting to stay standing.
I was in the Dark World where I could barely feel any stimuli from the 'outside world' which is ..reality. Prod and push all they wanted.. I couldn't stand up again.... where I was.. was like being in a dark place full of grief and pain until... I 'went past' that.. into the 'room of nothing'......... the 'room' where I might could hear things from the outside trying to 'find' me ...or I might not.
The 'room beyond' that room...... is where I went to... the one where my mind stayed 'asleep' ...where I felt nothing. Medicine given to me at the hospital, and then.. doctor..... kept me like that for .... months... though at times I would 'hear' Skip and 'feel' our Pups... I would try to come back only to be crushed by the knowledge.. again... my son, my only child is... dead. I couldn't cope with it.
I would try 'to come back' and when I would begin to see the 'light outside of the room 'just before coming out'... I couldn't bear to 'step outside. I would go right back to where in my 'world' I could quit thinking and quit ..hurting.
This went on for 'months... years... forever'......... in my mind. Skip wouldn't give up... our Pups stayed by my side when he couldn't.. and over time I would 'come out' only to be in the world of grief.... that I should have 'faced some time ago'.......... 'now'........... I had to face it 'just as it'd happened 'again'.
There were only '3 legs of the chair' now......... one struggling to get back up ..knowing she was needed by the other 2 legs to stabilize ..that 'chair' again. If not... 'that' chair would..never stand again... not 'that' chair.
We moved in February 2011 to where we live now.... I was 'forced' to face life again... and I began to embrace life again... 'just a little at a time'.
We'd lived in an isolated area 'up on a mountain'... under a canopy of trees where it was... absolutely beautiful! The only thing was... I couldn't see the sky as I wanted so much to see. I wanted to walk outside and 'just look up to see the wonderful sky and the white clouds, the stars, the sunset... I wanted to be able to walk outside of our home and just... watch the sky all I wanted to..and still be at home. I couldn't ...there.
We moved to where we live now, have neighbors within sight of our home... and most wonderful of all......... I can walk outside here.. at home... and simply look up and see the wonderful sky.. the sun.. the moon.. the stars....... the constantly shape-changing clouds. Heaven... I could now, look up and see ..heaven. I could just see the sky all I wanted to. This made such a difference in my 'dark world'... though it took time .......... I could 'look up and have some place 'my' thoughts could 'go'..instead of staying 'trapped inside' with them. Yes, this made all the difference in my life... I would have ...died.. if we'd continued to live under that beautiful canopy of trees ..up on 'that mountain' where ...I couldn't ..see the sky.
You see... during the years we lived under that beautiful canopy of trees, the special rocks in places to look like being in a park, up on that 'mountain'... the worst of worst.. things happened in my life.......... I began to experience grief. One person after the other began to die... and no sooner than I would 'get past..not over'.. my grief.......... another one would die. These people were 'my most loved ones' in my entire life! I lived in 'constant grief' there.
Skip said that it's strange that one can find just absolute comfort of surrounding beauty living in isolation with trees and rocks and wildlife... while the other can feel 'imprisoned' by it.
At first...when moving to that 'mountain'...I truly loved it and was so happy until.. all the people I loved in my life.. died over the few years we lived there. In my mind, when I couldn't 'look up to see the sky and let my spirit soar for release of grief'........ I became 'trapped in my mind'...... I couldn't see no farther than.......... the trees.
The beautiful trees, the leaves prevented me from seeing the sky... which is a part of 'me'. I love the constant movement and changing of the sky and clouds, weather. Only in the falltime... could I see the sky....'some'. I loved watching the leaves fall there... it'd 'rain leaves', beautifully colored leaves of orange, yellow, red, green, brown... for days.... giving me time enough to watch and ...'enjoy all I wanted to..as long as I wanted to'. Not only that.... the sky would begin to peep in at me through the openings in the trees where the leaves once blocked. Not 'enough' but... at least I could 'see some' ..of the sky.
Only when we drove down the 'mountain' to the highway and began to drive away in either direction could I begin to see the sky and .. feel instant peace inside from being able to look 'up'.... my eyes would drink in the beauty and my mind felt... like soaring! I could 'see' and 'feel' and enjoy being able to watch to my heart's content ... the wonderful ..sky.
Maybe to others this doesn't seem important... but, seeing the sky means 'part of my world'... an important part of my world. The mountains are important to me... the trees and grass are important to me.... and each has a place in my mind and for it all to be in harmony.... the sky would have to be seen from 'everywhere' for me to 'feel' happy ...living on a mountain.
I used to live in the 'real' mountains where I could see and feel and watch the sky.......... and 'there'...... became the most unhappiest place on earth for me as the time went by. Seeing the sky helped me to think and let my mind 'fly' to find answers to my problems, to make decisions........... I didn't know Skip, then.
My love for the mountains wasn't affected by all that I experienced while living many years there. My soul was affected though by..living there. My heart was affected by living there..... I learned there to be an even 'stronger' person and I became a 'woman' ..there. I 'grew up' in the North Carolina mountains where my experiences were nothing like other people's. Sometimes they were... sometimes ...they weren't.
That's 'why' we loved the 'mountain' we lived on....(Skip had grown up as a young child in the Virginia mountains, moving all over the country as his father who was a postal inspector, transferred 'everywhere').... and at the time we moved this 'mountain'.... it was cold and wintertime... and one could 'see the sky' making me love it more.
I loved the leaves when they came and filled the tree branches up with their green beauty... but, eventually when all I wanted to do was to see the sky... I'd have to get in the car and drive... to see it. I wanted to see it at home where I could sit or stand.. to my heart's content to watch it.. as long as I wanted to. I couldn't do that in a car...seeing the sky meant that I ...could think and see clearly without limits to my mind and my eyes. I loved to look at the sky when I painted or when I would draw... it made possible for me to ....create.
Skip said when he lived there......he'd never seen such peace in his life. See ..how 2 people can live side by side in 'different' worlds? It was special there, only I couldn't see the ..sky.
When Tommy died....... that's why it was so much 'darker'... my mind had nowhere to go... but... within ...where it almost ..kept me ... trapped. Trapped... until.. I died. I don't like the dark, I really don't like the dark at all. In my home... I have nightlights to comfort me and protect me from the darkness.
Darkness to me ..has always been so scary.... things happen ..when it's dark. Just please keep the lights on ....for me.
This year, Christmas 2011.......... this makes the 'second' year Tommy's been gone. Our Christmas will be quiet with only Skip and I with our Pups. We can't share with our most loved one... he is gone... gone forever. How it hurt so deeply just now..... to type that. I can't believe the pain... like a knife slowly cutting me to my soul. It won't go away but.........now, I can live with it.
I've come that far now, with my grief. It's added to the physical pain I feel 24 hours a day, everyday.. that will be there for the rest of my life... my trade-off to live from the surgeries and..... being a survivor of ..cancer.
'Now'......... with the combination of 'both' pains... I hurt more than I've ever hurt in my entire life ...but now.......... I know I'm going to live and each day of pain is... a trade-off to live... because 'both almost took my life'.
So... Christmas 2011 isn't going to be with gifts and 'family... it's going to be with Skip and... our Pups. They are my world.. the most important part of my world and.. I'm so thankful for them... and the gift of ...life. I've had to learn these things....like I've learned everything in my life.......... the hard way.
I see people who can't wait to get expensive gifts for Christmas.. that's what Christmas is to them.......... what they are going to get in gifts. 'I've been there and done that'.......... and one day when they learn as I did... they will be able to say that.
We all have to learn what is most important in life... sometimes those lessons are so ... expensive ..in feelings, heart, the very core of one's being. Anyway... we are all at various stages in our own individual lives... I'm 'here' now... and they 'are there'.
Christmas 2011... I am so thankful to be alive and to feel... even having to feel the pain in my body and ..in my heart for the rest of my life.... I'm so thankful for my Pups and ..Skip, my husband. This is my life and it means the world to me.