Thursday, December 15, 2011

Broken Link ... Forgiveness ... I'm Not In That Dark World Now

Today I had opportunity to see a lady that I'm always glad to see.. her name is Kenan.  She is so attractive and doesn't look the age she says she is.  She reminds me of my Aunt Frankie.. petite
and always looks so pretty.  Her smiler is even prettier, she's like sunshine.  I've always thought when I saw this lady
that... I want to look so nice as she does when I'm just a little older.  I think any female would.

What I kept noticing about her today was her colors she wore.  She had on gloves that were a
'happy' purple and as she talked and gestured... my attention was drawn to those gloves!  I finally
told her how colors attract my attention, ha!  I, also, told her I'd have to mention them in my Blog today!

I gave her the link to my Blog so, she can see 'how' I am about colors.  I 'pure' love colors and
they 'will get in the way' when I'm seeing or talking to someone.... they will get my attention!  I
might not even see you!  :))))  Colors make me happy.

I also, talked with Megan and today, she was smiling and talking alot.  I thought how pretty she is when she smiles like that.  She's a young mother whom one can tell that her little girl is very much loved and cared for.  I haven't met her daughter but, I can imagine she's very smart and well-taken care of.  I gave her the link to my blog.  She loves to decorate and I can see she would haves lots of good ideas.  Listening to her talk was very interesting and I could see her as a real person.  I've seen her but, never talked to her very much... it was like today... she was so alive and!  What a fun person!

I came away from each of them feeling good.  I also, came away wanting to get the cats fed that I go feed faithfully each day from the old place we moved from in February.  And then............. I felt excitement inside to get home....................... to write!  My Blog is very important to me and I've found a wonderful world to visit for a while each day or night! 

The time goes by so fast and several hours are gone when ... I 'look up' from writing!  :))))  Tommy, I'm getting to where I can speak of you out loud now and write about you... and I can at times and not cry... writing is where I can speak of you and not sadden others or make them uncomfortable if tears come in my eyes... writing about you if I cry... no one is there to see me... sometimes I do... sometimes I don't ... and sometimes, I really do.

I used to go back to bed each morning since Tommy died... I could never be inspired to do anything more than keep the house neat and the laundry done for so long.  Lately..since I began to write.... my world has grown to how can I describe it? 

I will try to describe for you what I mean.... it's like when I am outside or driving... I look 'out' and it seems that 'now'... I can see farther all around me.  The sun seems so much brighter, the air so much more 'clearer' and like I can really 'see' ........again.  It feels like I'm just coming alive again.  I know all this sounds strange .... but, I've been in the darkest world, the darkest place in my entire life when my son, my only child... died... for almost 19 months.  It seems that I couldn't find anything to inspire or motivate me to just 'live' again. 

Honestly..Skip and our Pups are 'why' I am here now... I had nothing else in life to 'keep' me... though for a brief period I had Taban, my precious grandchild.  Tommy always kept Taban and I close and he knew how much it meant to me.. when he died, his wife met someone soon after and went on with life.  Mine and Taban's paths didn't stay the same one we'd always been on since his birth.... she forever changed something that can't be undone  I call it in my mind... a broken link that was crucial to Taban and I being close forever.  I didn't get to see my granddaughter and now..

My son's wife broke that link... for one time in all these years since I was a little girl.... I actually told another person that 'I hate you' for the pain and grief you added to the pain and grief of my only child dying.  'Granny Gee'... that's what my son chose for Taban to call me... it's special to me.  'Granny Gee' has been to 'hell' and .... now, she's back and hopes one day Taban will say 'mommy, please let me see my Granny Gee'.

I can in no way speak of all the things she said and then, went on to do... here.  It took alot for me to say such a horrible thing to her because I used to love the ground she walked on... and thought she was the most special person.  I won't sit here and write awful things about her now.  I'm sorry I told her that because I actually should have said 'I hate the things you have done'.. I didn't say that.

The strange thing here is that I'm old enough to realize that younger people will go on with their lives never even thinking about the pain they caused... and I can understand, though my heart is full of pain from that.  I can and have forgiven because there were times when I was in that Grief World....she would say things she shouldn't have.

I quietly sat for months 'listening closely' to all she said... and I don't think another mother would have done that... I did.  I didn't forget.  That same Christmas she told me that she was buying brand-name things for her boyfriend... it was with money from Tommy's insurance money.  She said more...  but, it's no longer important... I don't want to keep anger and hate in my heart.... all these years I've tried to 'not' to.... because I have carried anger 'from when I was a child' for so long.. but, stronger than any of those feelings......... is forgiveness I have in my heart. 

No.. I don't hate anymore.. I don't have time for it and... life really is shorter than we think.  I know people we love can be here one day and... they are gone the next.. we can't change that fact of life.. we have to cope with it and ... go on.

I say this all in a quiet way, not in an ugly way.  She isn't the first wife/widow to do that after their husband died.  Actually..she did no more than alot of younger women did that I've known through the years... riding around and buying friends ... through gifts of money, gifts and eating in expensive restaurants.  She would call and tell me, sometimes from the restaurant they'd all be sitting in at that moment.  You see... I can understand that she didn't want to be lonely and she had money to do things.... any young person would have done alot of things such as she did.

I wish she would give my granddaughter her part of insurance money.  That would make me happy.  I don't understand why she hasn't.. Tommy specified what he wanted done 'if' something happened to him.  Who would have thought 'if' would ...come like that?  Just who would have thought?

Since this summer when I met Tori.... I've been beading and playing with wire-wrapping and making suncatchers and making some paperdoll clothes with paperdoll for her..and so many things I can't remember at the moment.... she making me many such precious things, also.  Every few weeks we exchange gift bags with whatever we create for the other.  This has made such a difference also, in my life.

I began to sometimes make big birthday posters with a theme for the month it's made for.  I draw, paint and cut each piece out and then, 'build' my posters.  I used to do them for years at the hospital I used to work in.  I loved doing that!  Now.. I do it...sometimes.  I don't want to be obligated to do them, only when I 'feel' them so, I can do good.  Also... at this time in my life I can't bear to be under pressure.  Sometimes we are more fragile than other times.... but yet... still so strong.

It's like a tv and the picture on it... it's okay but, when one adjusts it some.... all of a sudden one sees colors so much clearer... sharper... and it's all beautiful.  Skip has noticed the difference ... I wonder if it's meant that I write.  I told him it's ironic that here I am writing when for years I wanted him to write a book... he can do it.... Skip's writing skills are superb.  My cousin, Jimmy, used to write manuscripts and gave me some to keep and read... he wrote so well, too....  Of course, as you see.... I
write my way.... like all my drawings... I do it freehand... it's all mine and I'd never copy someone else's.  That's their's.

I'm just saying ... life is like that.  Granny Gee.. that's me.  I'm not perfect at all.  I'm sorry I felt hate for anyone.  Life is like that... sometimes.............  we learn and go on... to be better and to do better.  I was thinking ... one still doesn't become 'perfect'... I wish I could be sometimes because I never like to hurt others.  I spoke of 'her' because I know no one knows who Tommy's wife was.. nor did any of my 'family' members... no one cared and there was no one there.... through all these years.. the ones who were.... they died too.  All my 'family' members that I loved excepting for just a few.. are gone now.  Isn't that amazing?  It's been a constant sea of grief I've struggled in for.. these past years even before Tommy..Tommy's death was the ultimate... almost drowning me. 

I do know that all's going to be alright now... I want it to be ... I'm embracing the whole world now...I love the sunshine and the blue skies and white clouds... I love.. everything and... it feels good to finally ... reach this point in life. 

Skip will be here shortly and I'm going to spend the evening going to supper with my most favorite and special person in this world... my husband.  It's time to come back into reality... where I really live.  I don't ever stay in the past long!  :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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