Monday, December 19, 2011

Trying To Remember Back To... Childhood

Trying To Remember Back To ... Childhood

December 19, 2011

I am trying to remember songs from when I was a very little girl. I can vaguely remember 'Sandman'. I'm sure I can't remember the titles of the songs correctly, but, I'll try to remember them.

I loved the song 'Purple People-Eater' ( I wonder if that is the right name? :))) I loved that song and the song 'Puff The Magic Dragon'..... living by the sea.

There was a western song about 'Streets of Laraedo' I liked as a little girl. I was too young to know what cowboys were then. My son, Tommy, grew up to drive a tractor-trailer and went to Laraedo quite often.

I loved Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer and Santa Claus Is Coming To Town as a child. They were magical songs at the time I lived in our 'real' home until I was 9 years old. Those songs lost their magical charm in the following years for me... though at times, I do feel comforted by them.... such as 'now'... since Tommy is gone.

I loved to dance .. my memory of dancing goes back to being almost a toddler. I can look back and even 'see in my mind' when I used to smile and laugh alot as a little girl... everybody seemed to love me and I was the center of attention until.... I went to Grandma Alma and George's. There were so many children around ... 6 children next door at my Aunt Ruby's house and then, the children who also, came to Grandma and George's to live for periods of time like I did. I wasn't paid attention to like I had been at my 'home'. My home was gone ...forever.

My life was gone... forever. Beautiful dresses and shoes and good meals and the lady who came to clean and and iron our clothes... and tell Wm Ernest and I, stories we loved to hear. She was gone... I loved Josephine and her daughter, Maxine. I missed Josephine's kind voice and how affectionate she was to us. She made sure we were taken care of... we were important ...then.

I remember songs that I danced to, sometimes Ms Nancy and I would dance ..or my cousin, Sylvia and I would dance. That was happy and I loved to do that. We'd do the twist and do the 'cool jerk', and mashed potato and all kinds of dances. We all loved dancing. Oh.. don't let me forget the limbo.. I was very good at doing that and I think I went the lowest.

I remember sometimes when all my cousins loved me (there were times they loved me and there were times when I think they hated me)..... I would spend the night with all of them. They all slept in beds in a giant room where I think maybe a wall was taken away to make it bigger but, then again... I remember walking on the floor joists (I think they are called)... so, they must have built onto the house making it bigger... after all, they had 6 children.

I remember one particular night that was so real and so clear and so... strange. Even now, as an adult ... looking back... it's still so real in my mind. I had laid down to go to sleep ..we all did. We laughed and talked until we each fell asleep one by one. I woke up and I was on my back ...I opened my eyes and the 'roof was gone'!

I looked up at the sky and I saw the stars and the moon was out. It was the most wonderful feeling to lay in bed and watch the sky. I looked to see if any of my cousins were awake... they weren't. I fell asleep eventually and the next morning when I got up... the roof was .... back where it was supposed to be!

I remember another time when my aunt and uncle went somewhere for a little while, and I was spending the night. The doors were locked when they weren't there.. and this particular night we were all so frightened... someone began banging so hard on the storm door and we wouldn't open the door. I don't recall hearing any voices. I know that the next morning when we went outside on the front porch... the storm window was broken and there was blood all on the door and on the cement porch down the steps and a path of blood drops led away toward the street (we lived in town). I never knew what had happened to make that blood be there. I remembered staring at all the blood and not believing I was seeing 'so much'.

Next door to Grandma Alma and George's was a little space between their house and the houses next door. Ms Nancy's grandparents lived there and Ms Nancy lived in the other house. I remember her grandfather planting watermelons in that space vaguely and my cousins who were all boys (with the exception of one girl)... 'stealing' his watermelons! I will admit that I got to taste some of them from time to time! I remember sometimes her grandfather would yell at them... he'd be so upset that they were stealing his watermelons!

On the other side of my cousin's house was a house where an older couple lived in.... I don't think they liked kids very much. On the other side of their house was a big field and at the other end of it was a strip of trees that we'd run to play in. I can remember many times running across that field and feeling pain in the top of my foot... sometimes a stick that was hard and dried.. would pierce the skin and go in like a giant splinter!

We would climb up those trees like little monkeys and I really hated to climb those tall trees but, I would. I wouldn't climb as high as the boys did... I enjoyed sitting on the limbs looking down.

As kids we'd sneak across the street and go into the woods behind the neighbors' houses on that side, to play and catch.... something they called 'crawdads/crawfish'. There was water there and they could look into the water (it was so clear) and see those crawdads sitting on the bottom... they had claws. I don't know why the boys were so fascinated by them... I didn't want one to pinch me!

These woods are where I learned about muscadine grapes! I remember eating them and loving the taste of them. Grandma Alma and George had a grapevine that had good grapes on them... but, those muscadine grapes had a wonderful flavor of their own, too! This is also, where I got bitten by a black widow spider... a black spider with red on its back! It hurt so bad and we ran back to tell the adults... I was taken to the hospital to the emergency room (where I worked at many years later as an adult). The spider bit me on my hand and it was on fire and hurt so badly up into my arm. I can't remember more after that.

It really seems like everything I remember 'back then' quickly goes to memories I try not to think about. I want to remember 'happy memories' but, they are always tainted by 'bad' memories ..'then'. No matter if something happy happened.... something 'bad' would happen to ruin it. I wonder if somehow 'someone' manipulated as they watched and saw something happening that was good or happy.... they would 'make sure' no one was going to get to see how it felt to be happy... not for long. Just as sure as the day was long.... something was going to happen and it wasn't... going to be pleasant. I always lived with dread... inside.

At holidays... that meant everyone was going to get high on what they loved to do best... that was to drink and whatever else... Holidays were a reason to get drunk and that was a very happy time of the year because... whoever held a grudge against someone... 'this was the time to get them'! Happy Holidays To Everyone... somebody's going to get a 'ass-whipping'. In fact... there'll probably be several 'ass-whippings......

I'm glad to be grown up and through the years I never chose to live like that... my life has been quiet and ...private. For now... this is all I think I 'feel like remembering'.......

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