Tuesday, January 31, 2012




I was thinking about a mother's face this morning when I woke up. I lay there seeing her face in my mind, and thinking how sad I felt for her.

She has been deceased since some time before Tommy died... even then, I cared but........... always that 'but'........... how could I have in any way know what went on in her mind?

I remember seeing her sad face, her eyes seeing me, not really seeing me. I remember she just didn't talk at all, no words were needed. I just hugged her, I don't remember if I said 'I'm so sorry', or if the words came out at all.

I see her face as I look in my mind... I see a face filled with grief that no words could even begin to have helped her. She seemed to have just with-drawn so much. I knew this woman, at one time I was very close to her.... many years ago. She was one who came running with my mom to 'save me' when my stepmother beat me in the face, and my dad slapped me for the first and only time. She loved and cared about me, back then... but, not for always.

I just looked back this morning with sadness that I didn't fully understand what she was feeling inside. She was on medication to help her... because you see.... she didn't lose just one child, she lost two children.

Two children within 3 months of each other. They were adults like I. Her oldest child supposedly committed suicide... there are many stories about 'if' he really did. Her middle child, her only daughter... was killed in a crash... a log truck hit her.

I was thinking this morning that it was bad enough (really the word 'bad' doesn't do justice at all when you describe grief... it's not even close to describing 'how bad').... it is bad enough to lose children through illness, or unexpectedly.... but, when something so awful happened at the same time of their death... all I can say is ... oh my God.

She lost 2 of her babies in the most awful of ways. I don't think 'then'... I stopped long enough to really think about it, than to just know it was 'bad'. It hurt my heart... thinking about it now... my heart feels the pain moreso.

I think I know why. I've lost a child now, and I can understand. What I can't imagine is......... losing 2 children in such a 'bad' way.

My poor aunt... yes, she was my aunt. I knew her, my heart felt for her then.... now.... I can understand better, I feel so bad for her.. it's too late to tell her. I love you, Aunt Ruby. What you must have suffered in your mind, what you must have suffered. I can't even pretend to imagine.

I woke up this morning wondering if I could think of a grieving mother's face...... her face came to my mind. The other day when I wrote my story about The Face Of A Grieving Mother... I was showing you a picture of my face... I didn't think past that.

This morning, I woke up ..thinking past my face. I do feel such sadness, and regret that somehow I didn't get to tell her that I cared more than even I knew. I didn't know I would know as a mother what she felt... until I, myself lost my child. The caring was there all along... it took losing my child for me to 'see how much' caring was there.

I can see 'why' people don't seem to care when you lose a loved one... they can't imagine how it feels, because this is one of those things that you have to experience... to know how it actually feels.

They care but, they never realize 'how much' until it happens to them... the caring was there all along.... it took something bad happening in their life... to know that. Their mind instantly goes to 'someone just like them... someone who has been through the same thing'. This is the moment ... they deeply care. They understand 'now'.

I feel sad about this because... if we somehow 'knew' before we each had to experience somthing 'bad'... how things felt ... we could let someone who is suffering know that we care with our very hearts. Then again... if we didn't experience these things... how could we truly know if we care or know 'how it feels'? Experience is the teacher here, I'm sure. We have to do as that old saying 'walk a mile in someone's shoes'.... in order to know how it really feels.

I have walked in alot of shoes... I know how alot feels. I was thinking that I've learned many lessons in life.. and it's amazing... I have alot left to learn.

I would hope these lessons won't be as painful as it seems most of the others in life for me... were. I would like to learn happy, joyful lessons now. Of course, I've learned alot of them in my life, also.

The biggest being in knowing how it feels to give something needed to someone who really needs........ seeing their eyes light up with joy, and hear it in their voice. I love to do that. I know how it feels to be on both ends. I have needed, also.

I know it feels so good when needing something, and someone makes it possible for you to have. It means the world.

I know how it feels in my heart when I have given to someone who is down and out, how it seemed to mean the world to them, too.

I would like to be rich now, because I would surely make such difference in people's lives... they would never have to know it was me who made that difference. I'm finally old enough to not have to have credit for everything I do. I would help people 'behind the scenes' and watch from a distance to feel and see their joy... not let them know for sometime, if ever... that I cared for them.

I can see I've changed subjects now... that means I've written what I meant to... I can go on to other things now... to talk about. I think I'll dream about being rich... and the 'good' things I could do not only for myself, and loved ones... but, for people who can't think of one person, place or anything, that could possibly cause money to come their way to help them. I know how it feels... I've felt this before, too.

I'm dreaming now...who knows... I've heard that dreams come true! I'm thinking at this very moment of special things I'll do when I'm rich..... one being to be near a homeless person who is wishing only for a coat... I would give them that coat, and warm clothing and blankets and a room paid for, for a month. Not only that, I would be seeing what resources there were to help them in their life, their future. I'd never forget them.

I have in my mind seeing so many homeless people living in the streets at night time in California. We went to areas one would never believe existed, it's a 'whole other world... many worlds within this whole other world'. I won't even pretend I understand them. They made quite an impression on my mind... I also, saw many 'dangerous' worlds... children have to live in them.

I did understand that I saw people with many needs, many people I could only give maybe a couple of dollars to, and whatever I had to drink or eat at that time. They didn't care if I'd been drinking from the cup, or eating from a sandwich... they just saw something they'd wished for and couldn't get easily. I really looked at each person I came in contact with. I cared, I cried over them... no one ever knew I did that. I think Skip did, though.

There are people like that in all cities, and I haven't seen them in small towns, but... I think they are there... where, I don't know. I've seen them all over the United States, my attention going straight to them, instead of just seeing the beauty around me. I saw the not so beautiful, too. I cared.

Not only these people... people, everyday people in my life that I know of, people I personally know. People everywhere are needing, I'm needing, we all need something. Don't you agree? Even not being rich, we give to make other people happy... sometimes we do without ourselves to do so.

I don't think one can buy what we feel in our hearts when we've done good, and know that we have. I don't think anyone can buy how good it feels in our hearts when someone is good to us, too. Gratitude, for so much. Happiness, gratitude and the feeling that someone cared. Money might not can buy that.... truthfully, money is needed to buy 'what others won't give freely' from their hearts.

Yes, I wish to be rich... I would make many deserving people have food, clothing, shelter and know what resources are there for them to take advantage of to help themselves when they are past my help. I would want them all to succeed in life.

I have wondered what it'd be like 'if every rich person' did as I would if and when I'm rich... I wonder if many people would be left that needed or wanted for anything?

I know you wonder about people trying to take advantage... well, they would be the ones making the loudest noise... I would look past them to the quiet ones. You do know alot of times when someone gets hurts, the ones who aren't hurt the worst, scream the loudest. The ones hurting most are the 'quiet ones'.

I would be so happy to be able to carry out my wishes I have in my heart... joy would be felt everywhere. I would make many smiles, many eyes light up with happiness. I would stand at a distance and smile, too... my eyes would be bright from joy and tears. It would make me happy to make you happy.

We all have dreams that may sound silly... this is my silly dream. In my mind .. I know it to be possible to come true. I have been there, done that, and want to do it again! :))) I'm back to dreaming now.............................. I wish to be rich... soon. I have a heart rich in caring, love, compassion, empathy. Now, I need the money to buy what others can't give for free... and give it freely, myself. I'm dreaming... I believe.



  1. I think you are right. No one knows what a grieving mother goes through until they have walked in those shoes. I thank God I don't know what it is like or how it feels to be a grieving mother. Like you---I would help other people if I were rich too! It breaks my heart to see people without things they need. Maybe someday we will be rich! We are already rich spiritually, physically, and emotionally. We have people that love us (you have the pups too that love you). Take care of you for me! Love, Ms. Nancy

  2. Just wanted to share this:

    Dr Maryam worked for decades through out the US and Canada as a free lance speaker on Faith, Spirituality, and Women's Issues until the day her voice was silenced when found her oldest son's body..

    She has now returned with a calling to assist other mothers in their unique and often isolated path of mourning a child. She is available for private consultation through phone or internet, or you ma schedule a speaking engagement by contacting: