Friday, January 20, 2012


I was driving today and as I drove I decided I'd do something I normally don't do.  I began to 'see' people's faces when meeting them. 
I saw happy faces, irritated faces and laughing faces.  I saw a face that looked 'all at once'... like I 'just saw' my mother and my cousin, Linda .... at the same moment.
How strange is that?  For a moment, I saw 'both at once'.  The face had hair just like my mother's hair... dark and short but, full to accent her beautiful face.  At that brief moment, I also, saw Linda, my cousin ... as I looked at the woman's face.  That fast, and that... gone. 
My mother died September 9, 2001.  She is my cousin's aunt.  I remember the photo Linda sent me... she favored my mother in some ways when she was a young girl.  In that photo, her hair was fixed like my mother's.  Linda is very pretty, too.
Some days when I am driving... I will freeze for a moment because I 'see' Tommy.  I will watch closely until 'I don't see Tommy, anymore'.  In my mind... when that happens ..I can't bring my eyes to look away.  I want to see 'Tommy' moving... I will watch the person who 'looks like Tommy'... move until they go out of my sight, or drive away.  I'm not obvious about it... I just hope I'm not.  I just want to see my son.. I just miss my son.
I see big, tall, strong, handsome guys like Tommy with muscular bodies and blonde, short hair.  They will have on the style of sunglasses Tommy wore, and jeans and tee shirt... and sometimes, hold themselves proudly like Tommy did.  They will walk like Tommy... just for moments I can see my son.... as he was when he was living.
Just for a moment, I can 'see' my son ... just for a moment he is 'here'... moving, alive.  I choke up inside and tell myself it's alright, he's not here... but, for a moment I can 'forget' that he is gone ... gone forever.  It hurts so bad.
Sometimes, I see my brother, Rick-Rick.  He is the guy you see who is very energetic when walking, very hyper.  He would be the person who would never worry about his weight.  He was short, slender with a 'wild' head of hair.  Rick-Rick had wild, dark hair and very blue eyes ... eyes like mama.  They were quick to smile.  My brother died of a drug overdose before my son, Tommy died.  It devastated me.
I 'see' Rick-Rick from time to time in other ... people.  I watch while they move, walk for a moment ... I 'see' my brother.  I miss my little brother... I always worried so much about him... that day came that I worried about... he's gone.  Now... I can't worry anymore.
We have a friend whom we didn't know at first when we met him... who was Rick-Rick's best friend.  As time went by... we began to realize ... hey, this must be so-and-so!  It was... he has deep blue eyes, and he is funny like Rick-Rick could be.  He has the 'sound' of Rick-Rick.  I'm so thankful for him... I can 'see' my brother just for a little while 'in him'.
Today.. as I drove through a small town my Aunt Frankie lived at.  I thought of her when I met a small, compact car.  I remember when she was living, seeing her driving to town, or out shopping.  I felt inside a longing to see her.  I loved her very much. 
I didn't see her alot before she died, as I was going through so much in my life.  Who wants a depressed person to visit?  I was when she asked me to come.  I did see her at the hospital... it was so strange... she was already an attractive lady.... but, just before she died... I saw the youthful, young Aunt Frankie I remembered as a child.  She became even more beautiful before she died. 
I think about this phenomenon...  I wonder 'if' anyone else notices this.  I know I 'see' things sometimes that others.... never 'see'.  I've noticed that people weeks, days before they die... seem so much more 'alive'... and 'younger in appearance', and so pretty.  I wonder 'why'?  I wonder who else 'sees' such?
It's like Tommy sitting at the picnic table, the evening before he died... his smiles and his beautiful blue-green eyes were so... beautiful.... and so 'bright'.  I felt so proud of my handsome son.  I felt such love for him.  I'm so grateful my son knew I loved him.
I wonder if other people 'look for' their faces, their loved ones' faces, loved ones who have... gone away from us?  I wonder if they ever sometimes 'hear' their loved ones' voice in voices of others for a fleeting moment... or some sound that was 'our loved one'?
I would think the answer is 'yes'.  Do you know 'why'?  I could be wrong, this is only 'my opinion'... everyone who knows 'me'... know that I speak what I think. 
I think the answer is yes, because I think subconsciously we still 'look for them' ... just to for a split moment to 'see, hear, remember'.... them. 
I know that just for that quick moment... I have a 'quick moment's comfort'... then, I feel an overwhelming pain in my heart. 
Time doesn't take that grief away, for eighteen months I've lived with my grief... for me, it hasn't gone.  For me, I don't have a child left to 'carry on' things about me to talk about one day, or to remember me as important, to say 'I love you, mom!'  I don't have a child to 'leave my important things to'.  I don't have my own child anymore.
For 40 years ... I heard him say 'I love you, mom', and knew my child loved me.  He called me almost every day.  I know as parents we do all these things for our child... gracious, think about the things they did for us ... precious things such as that child's special smile, an expression, seeing love for 'you' in their eyes, holding things they made just for you... things such as this.  If you weren't important to anyone else... you meant the world to this child.
I will always look for your face... if just for a brief moment is all I can have 'to see you' in others... I will take it.  Just for a moment I can see you move and let my eyes take in all they can, so, I don't forget.  For a moment.... you are alive again.  I miss you, Son.

1 comment:

  1. I have seen my nephew so many many times in someone else!!! Mama and I saw a man that looked just like my nephew and I told him he looked like him. I told him I knew he wasn't him because he was killed by a drunk driver. I think the man felt bad but I told him it was ok and I knew he had nothing to do with looking like my nephew. We can't help the way we look. I have also seen a guy driving a car like my nephew's and would have on a pair of glasses just like my nephew's and even looked like him! That was weird! We knew it wasn't him because my nephew is gone! We have seen others too. I thank God that his last Christmas I decided to video our Christmas party at my mother's. He was killed less than a month afterwards Love, Ms. Nancy