January 02, 2012
I was writing to my friend, Brett, this morning and we talk about the most unusual and interesting things when we write. I find it fun to 'talk' to her... I can be 'myself'. She can be 'herself'.......what is so amazing is... we understand each other perfectly! It's like all of a sudden the language I've been speaking is understood... my friend, Lena, was like this. Ms Nancy understands.
As I was writing I was telling her something about 'now', and being a middle-age woman. I've sat here and thought about it alot.
It's a strange feeling and honestly... I've never heard any woman go on to describe it. Is it because they are ashamed or is it because they have too much pride to say it, to say their beauty's gone, their youth is gone? Their 'everything is going ...south? Well, not 'everything' but, some things. Yes.
I 'know' this to be true in my case. It's taken this long to say it, to acknowledge it. I still have a problem saying how old I am... everybody knows.. but, I can't quite say it yet. You'll know it from my mouth when the day comes that I can actually come out and ...say it. I'll write about that big moment ...when the 'time comes that I can say it and feel comfortable with it'. You wouldn't believe all I've had to get used to and cope with, already! I'm still dealing with it!
Now... at this very moment ..I'm not feeling I can tell you the things I've noticed since becoming a middle-age woman... I will see if I can build up my courage to do so... it 'really is' a 'big' thing!
No one wants to say 'hey, I've got a new wrinkle!' But, do you know what? Life happens! Even when you aren't looking... life happens and... it shows on your face, your .... everything. See... I just couldn't bear to write it! It's just too much for me to bear actually saying into words... 'hey, my everything is ..falling down!'
I will say that if I don't move my body, it really hurts alot. I've had alot of major surgery that affects me to this day in the well-earned pain I live with every day of my life. I can deal with that, though at times, I think I can't... I can. I love to live... and that pain... that wracks my body every minute of my life... serves to remind me of that and... to be thankful.
I can be feeling so darn good and run to my mirror to see if I can capture 'me' in it... only to see a face I don't recognize... though, I do. Where's my beautiful face at? Where did it go? How did it leave me without me knowing it!?
I can stand there and look for 'me'... I get closer to the mirror to 'see me'.... where am I!? I move 'me' around and look behind 'me' and peep this way and that.... I move my hair back to see 'me'.. what has happened?
Where did my youth go? I still talk and think the same way.... but, my way of talking and thinking now.....'have wrinkles'! I'm more... mature!
Oh God... how did I get put in disguise and I didn't know it? No wonder when I act like 'I used to look'............ people will take a second look at me. I'm out of sync with myself... I look one way and... feel and think another way. 'Now'... I see 'why' people say someone tries to act younger than their age. In my case, I'm acting as I always acted... I didn't know I was 'old', much less a 'middle-age woman'. Imagine how surprised I was to find this out!
No, I can't just say 'hey, my breasts are losing alittle of 'that-there'.. firmness! :)))) (I could get embarassed easily because.. I was thinking of another word!). I can't say 'hey, 'they' are falling down!' No, I just can't say it at all.
No, I can't just say that... and I won't. 'Why' would I tell someone that? That is one of the things you won't hear a woman talk about... I won't either. Just because 'theirs'... go south is no reason I should talk about it. And just because 'they can stretch them out' like 2 pieces of bubble gum... I'm still not going to talk about it. Mine are just fine ... thank-you.
Oh my... no, I'm not going to talk about it ...though.. I know I see alot of double-chins. I don't knock them... because just suppose something happened to one of them... a person would have one to replace it! I thought I even saw one on me... one that has sneaked its way to my face and.. I don't like it not one bit! I mean it... it makes me mad.
I'm not even going to talk about those bellies women have as they become older... that's a 'no-no'! It's amazing how they can change fashion... each woman who has one makes one outfit always... look different. Think about it! Blue jeans for instance... a big, bubble butt can make them very interesting to look at! A 'flat' butt can be interesting to look at ..leaving one to think about what happened to that butt? How about a butt.... I just can not go any further! I've gotten on the subject of 'butts' when I was talking about 'bellies'. I was going back to change this... but, I can't... it's just too real, and the way I think sometimes! I amaze myself at how quickly 'I change tracks' like a train. I will say this... sometimes a belly can look like a butt in... front!
I wanted to grow 'old' being a belly dancer so, my grandchildren would think I was interesting. I don't know how I'm going to do that .. unless I lose the weight I once lost quickly, but now... find hard to get off! I just don't know... one doesn't want a big, old belly hanging over the band of a belly-dance costume... making one try to look to see if there is a pierced navel with a beautiful jewel in it. Or worse.... find lint in it!
I would have to wear the belly dancer skirt with lots of soft lace all around to 'disguise'! There's that word again! Disguise!
I would like to be an interesting Granny Gee, though... when I get 'old'. Seriously, I am going to have to purchase new makeup... I'm considering spray makeup. You know ..where you can keep spraying all those coats of 'pretty' like they do on tv. I 'think' I can 'bring me back' with lots of makeup. Thankfully, I don't have many lines to fill in.
I just see this older lady... oh my God... how did my pretty.. go away? When did it go away? How could I have not known it was being stolen by ... age?
It wasn't very long ago when Tommy and I'd be laughing and talking and I'd say 'your ole mama loves you, Son'! I wasn't 'old' then!
At least I still have most of my teeth!