Sunday, January 8, 2012



January 08, 2012

Yes, I did! Yes, I did sleep with a man! Shea was slapped across the face. The blow knocked her backwards and the shock was numbing.

She almost fainted with the pain, the shock of being slapped by Anthony. He'd never hit her, never during all their years of being married. They were separated now, Anthony had come to take her back home to the mountains.

Do you love me? Do you love me? Anthony kept asking Shea if she loved him, she would say yes, she loved him. Anthony told Shea that if she loved him, she 'was' going to go back home with him. Shea was determined she wasn't going anywhere with Anthony. She was afraid of him now.

He made her angry, and with that anger came a lie from her mouth. He'd been telling her that he had slept with women and he was sorry. Shea felt a burning anger in the pit of her stomach. She was angry!

'Yes, I slept with a man!' Shea lied to make Anthony feel anger and to pay him back. The lie almost cost Shea her life.

Anthony grabbed Shea by her hair and screamed at her 'you did what!' She screamed at him that she did sleep with a man while they were separated. She was so angry, her eyes were blazing, she didn't care that she lied.

Shea saw the anger in Anthony's face. Shea also, saw something in his eyes that frightened and made her feel cold inside.. Shea knew she was in danger and it was... too late to stop what her lie had begun. She sensed she was going to die tonight and still, she didn't tell him any differently.

She had been in the bathroom looking for lotion to put on her hands when Anthony had walked in on her. He'd begun asking her again about loving him. He was ready to leave and he was trying to make her go back with him. She didn't want to! He couldn't be true to anyone, Anthony loved his women and wouldn't give them up.

She had fainted for a moment and Anthony was screaming at her and he was out of control. Everything was like a dream, all she could see was his eyes burning with fire and his mouth was distorted as he screamed at her. Shea could no longer hear him.

Shea's hands tried to fight him off her, he held her by her beautiful hair. He pushed her to the bedroom next door, and threw her onto the bed.

Shea had stopped feeling pain and all was like a silent movie. She tried to tell Anthony she'd lied to pay him back. Her lips moved but, he was beating her, screaming at her. He couldn't hear her!

Anthony put his hands around Shea's throat and... began choking her. She was looking into his face, a face she no longer knew... the face of Satan. Shea went unconscious.

Crying, crying... oh God! Who is crying like that? The sounds coming from someone in the distance broke Shea's heart as she listened.

Shea's eyes were beginning to open and she peeped through her eyelids. Her throat hurt and burned and she was moaning.. the pain was excruciating, she was coughing and trying to put her hands to her throat.

Anthony was holding her like a baby and sobbing not knowing she had come to. Anthony thought he had killed her with his bare hands.

Shea was too weak to let him know she was alive, she was a mass of pain. She began coughing harder and her cries became louder, the sounds and movement reached through Anthony's awareness.

He began to see that Shea was still alive and held her tightly, too tightly. Shea couldn't breathe, she was choking again!

Anthony loosened his arms on Shea to look down into her face, he held her up in his arms trying to help her breathe again. Shea began to take deeper breaths.

It went on forever... Shea was so weak. She had almost died! Anthony had almost killed her. Shea was so afraid. She began crying again. Anthony began apologizing to her, begging her to forgive him. He begged her over and over. Shea couldn't speak, her throat was on fire, she could only whisper.

It took Anthony forever to hear her. Shea wanted to get up and go to the bathroom. She wanted water. Anthony helped her get up and led her to the bathroom. Shea's body felt so .... broken. The pain... oh God, the pain.

Shea wanted to close the door to the bathroom, Anthony didn't want her to, but... let her. Shea looked into her mirror and saw her mirror crying... no longer did her mirror smile back at her. Her mirror didn't recognize her any longer.

Shea stood there crying, her body shaking uncontrollably. The pain mixed with seeing herself in the mirror was more than she could bear. The pain knowing that Anthony could kill her was more than she could bear. Shea cried until she fell to her knees in the bathroom.

The door opened and hands touched her hair, her neck! Shea was afraid again! The hands were gentle and they were patting her head, her shoulders, touching her neck... she wasn't the only one crying. Anthony was crying again.

He helped her back up and led her back to the bed where she gratefully sank down onto it. He pulled the covers up to her ...neck. Shea closed her eyes. She wished her mama were here to pull her covers up and tuck them on each side of her head to keep her ears warm. Mama..........

Shea woke up .. it was daylight. Shea began to get up... and fell back from the pain. She moaned loudly and behind her she heard Anthony speak. She felt scared in her stomach... he had beaten her last night. Shea remembered....

She stood up and turned to look at him. He began to tell her he was so sorry. Shea told him the truth... 'I didn't sleep with anyone, I didn't sleep with anyone'. Shea began to cry, knowing this had happened because she told a lie. This was her fault.

Shea remembered she was supposed to be at her mother's house in an hour when she saw the clock sitting on the nightstand. Shea walked in pain to the bathroom to get ready. She wished Anthony would leave, she didn't want him here any longer. She was afraid to tell him now.

Shea looked into her mirror.... and stood still. The shock of seeing her face, her neck numbed her. She kept staring at her eyes, her eyes!

Shea's eyes were black! Both of her eyes were black! Bruises were on Shea's neck. She began to look at her arms and shoulders... she had bruises all over. Shea now saw where the pain came from... she hurt so bad. Every movement she made, hurt so bad.

How could she tell her mama that Anthony had beaten her. She felt embarassed and she had such pride... she couldn't let anyone know she'd been beaten! They would think less of her and know she'd done something to cause it. The shame... Shea couldn't bear the shame.... and it was Shea's fault.

Shea had an idea... eyeshadow! She would use the different colors of eyeshadows to disguise her eyes, she would put it on heavy. She applied the eyeshadow on her lids, her lids hurt badly.

Shea had never worn eyeshadow like this before... she felt like a clown. Her mirror reflected a clown looking back at her, deep blue eyelids with lots of mascara on a face that looked too strained to have makeup on it at all. Never had Shea's mirrors seen her look like this... never.

When Shea looked at herself closely, she felt that anger boil up inside her stomach. It felt like white-hot fire. She had always been beaten as a child but, never as an adult. This would be the only time in her life she'd ever be beaten again! She was going to tell Anthony ... she was going to tell him.........

Her mama saw immediately something was wrong when she saw Shea. Shea saw her eyes and knew she was going to have to do some fast-talking.

I was walking on the rails of all things, mama. When I fell, it hurt so badly. I thought I'd broken every bone in my body. She watched her mama's face as she spun her lie. Please believe me, mama, she prayed. Shea felt so embarassed for her mom to know she'd been beaten.

The deck is so high from the ground and when I fell, I hit my head on those rocks there... it hurt so bad, mama. Shea's mama looked her straight into the eyes to let her know she didn't believe her lies. Her mama never said anything and Shea was so relieved. When she left she hugged her mama so tightly and said 'I love you so much, mama'. Her mama hugged her back as tightly, telling her she loved her.

Shea went back to the home she'd rented... to where Anthony had come uninvited. He was sitting on the couch when she came inside. Shea was going to tell him what she'd been thinking all morning.

I want you to go back home, I don't want to go with you. You are going to have to leave me alone. You have Glenda to go back to, you don't need me.

Anthony began to tell her he wanted her back, he didn't want Glenda. Shea stopped him by telling him that she couldn't go back with him, she didn't want to leave her new home. She told him that he'd never beaten her before... and that if he ever so much as to raise his hand at her again... she told him she would kill him.

Shea told Anthony in a quiet, soft voice these things. Anthony looked at Shea for what seemed like an eternity, she worried if he'd call her bluff. Anthony got up and began walking toward her, her stomach felt sick!

Anthony walked to her and bent down.. and lightly kissed her on the cheek. He turned and walked out. Anthony walked out the door, she watched him from the window walk to his car, get in, start it up, and back the car out of the driveway and.. leave.

It would be sometime before she would see Anthony again. Shea tried to stay away from people until her face and neck could heal from the bruises.

The scars no one could see ...never healed, never left her until many years later... when Shea learned to 'let go', to forgive things that couldn't be changed in life. She would go through so much in her young life to .... one day 'let go' and to ... forgive.

1 comment:

  1. I don't care how many lies anyone tells---no one has a right to beat on anyone!!!!!!!! I have been through that myself with my secone husband. I threaten to kill him too if he ever put his hands on me to hurt me again. I refuse to live like that any longer and left. No more fighting! We don't have to put up with that. Not anymore! A hundred years ago women did think they had to put up with it but not now days. Love, Ms. Nancy