Tuesday, January 10, 2012


January 10, 2012

Earlene was a beautiful young lady. She had beautiful long hair. Her hair was brown and very thick, reaching down to her waist.

Shea thought she was a princess! A beautiful princess. Mama was her most favorite person in the world, so was her little brother, Wm Ernest.

Her step-father, Ernest, sometimes was very mean. Shea wasn't sure she liked her daddy... she didn't know he wasn't her father. He'd been there 'from the beginning' of her memories until she was 9 years old.

Shea was awaken by a scream. She opened her eyes to see her 'daddy' pulling her mama up from the bed, holding her by her hair. He was slapping her, her mama was crying.

She heard gunshots, later went into hers and Wm Ernest's bedroom, she saw several holes in the wall. What does it mean, why so much noise?

She was too little to know what a gun could be... she wasn't too young to feel fear. Shea was afraid many times in her home, though it was the best home she ever had as a child. This was 'before' ... going to hell.

Shea was 6 years old, old enough to be allowed to walk to school from where she lived on Elm Street. She only had to walk a short ways to school and she loved it.

It also, gave her time to take off her black and white Oxford shoes... to take the pretty lacey socks off and hide them in her book bag. She would put her black and white Oxford shoes back on.

In the evenings, she would do the same thing... and put those lacey white socks back on, before going home. Even today... Shea doesn't know 'why' she always did that.

Shea and Wm Ernest would run around through the hall where Ernest kept his big toolbox, playing tag. They could run in a big circle going through the hall, then ... through the living room into the dining room and kitchen, back into the hall again.

Shea would catch her knee just in the right spot on that old toolbox and each time it would cut her knee. She carries that scar on her knee as an adult.

Shea liked to sit in her yard playing with her tea set in the white sand under the huge oak tree. She was 6 years old, she was a pretty little girl. She had long brown hair, just like her mama's.

Shea's mama would sit and plait her hair sometimes, and if Shea wouldn't be still, her mama would pop her to make her be still. She stood still, but, being popped made Shea angry... she'd stand there and cry loudly, with big tears running down her cheeks.

She didn't remember when her mama cut her long hair... it was shorter, and darker. Her mama was beautiful in a more 'grown-up' way.

Later, Shea decided she would cut her hair and, Wm Ernest's hair. Shea wanted to be like her mama. She also, cut her doll's hair. Shea's mama was in the hospital when this took place. Oh, her mama was so angry at her.... today Shea still has a mental block at what happened as a result of her actions.

'Give me a quarter and I'll show you something!' Shea had just seen something amazing and for a little girl... she somehow knew she could make a quarter on it! She had ran two houses up on Elm Street to tell Rhonda in hopes Rhonda would want to see.

Rhonda was Shea's friend and they were the same age. Rhonda looked at Shea with suspicion... she asked Shea what did she want to show her. Rhonda had a quarter but, she wanted to be sure she was getting what she paid for!

Shea convinced Rhonda that it would be worth her quarter if she'd give it to her and come on! Rhonda reluctantly handed over her quarter... Shea grabbed her by the hand and pulled her along. Shea was giggling... she had never seen such before and couldn't wait to share it!

Shea opened the screen door gently and cautioned Rhonda to be ever so quiet! They tiptoed through the hall, passing Shea and Wm Ernest's bedroom on the left. They kept on down to another door on the left... the door stood part-way open.

Shea was giggling ..she held her hand over her mouth to cover any sound. She held her little finger out pointing into the bedroom! Rhonda tiptoed closer to peep into the door............

Rhonda's eyes got big, she looked at Shea and looked back one more time ...put her hand on her mouth to cover any sound she was making! She turned and ran softly up the hall, Shea was following her! They each held the screen door so, it wouldn't slam and ran back up the street ...laughing hysterically!

It was worth every bit of Rhonda's quarter to see what she saw! Shea had discovered her mama and daddy asleep on their bed... and they were.... naked! It was so funny to her!

Men really liked her mama. At the time, Shea never knew that was what caused such conflict in her mama and Ernest's life. She never knew 'what' caused them to permanently separate when she was 9 years old.

Shea did know that at 9 years old ... she went to hell. Her whole special little girl world... went straight to hell where she stayed for quite some time. She saw and learned things she should have never seen or heard.

Grown up people seemed to think little children didn't hear or... see... much less have feelings, then. Today, children have so much say-so in a family's life and are considered very important... not when Shea was little. But... of course, Shea didn't come from a normal family... her 'family' was different.

Her 'family' was what one would describe as 'hell-raisers'.... and raise hell, they did. They were the experts on 'raising hell'.... Shea, even as a young child, knew she was in hell and she was trapped.

Shea was always afraid, she always had butterflies churning in her stomach. She began to do three things to comfort herself. She began sucking her thumb again. Someone would come by her to slap it out of her mouth yelling at her to keep her 'GD' thumb out of her mouth.

Shea began to bite her fingernails, she had never done that before. She couldn't understand that was 'why' her little fingers stayed sore.

Her little hands would tremble and she didn't know why. Again... her hand would be slapped from her little face, someone would scream at her to not bite 'those damn fingernails!'

Shea seemed to always be in trouble. Everyone wanted to slap her. She began taking her little fingers, her forefinger and thumb, she would pinch herself ...right over her heart. No one could see that and slap her for doing that.

Shea did this for years and there was a little 'knot' there from this habit. This was Shea's comfort place when she was so afraid, so sad, so unhappy and when she cried.... Shea cried alot, Shea also, learned to cry 'inside' and not let anyone see her... and have that pleasure.

Shea's 'family' loved to see someone cry, see someone in pain. They thrived on 'getting the best' of someone. It seemed they loved making Shea cry. She would see them laugh sometimes, with that light in their eyes. That light was 'happiness' and glee at making someone miserable. She always remembered hearing one or the other of her 'family' members say one phrase alot.... 'I got your ass!'  Though Shea's family could be so mean to her.. they could be just as good... sometimes.

One would wonder many years later in Shea's life... if the mass 'underneath where she would pinch herself over her heart'... was related to when she was that little girl.... to comfort herself.

It was cancer, non-Hodgkins lymphoma.. it was located exactly in that spot 'underneath' her skin over her heart..... where Shea pinched herself as a child.

When the mass was found, it was large and on the outside of her left lung, resting on her heart. A lung/thoracic surgeon had to do the surgery to remove that mass... of pain?

Didn't Shea read somewhere that anger, pain, sadness, hate .... cause cancer? If so, Shea almost lost her life to this as an adult... Shea grew up to be a very angry woman, with much pain and sadness... hate in her heart.

Shea hid this well from people, she didn't want to hurt people. This was her pain carried on the inside.... it wasn't other people's fault... maybe it was... Shea still didn't want to hurt others... she knew how it felt.

Shea lives with pain... today, Shea lives with pain for the rest of her life from her illness... every day, every night in trade-off to live.

Shea wonders if that's 'why' as a child she had to 'practice and learn pain'... to prepare her for the day she embarked on her journey into the darkness of her illness..... that would leave her with pain for the remainder of her life?

'Get your ass back up to Grandma's!' Shea knew these words well. They were always screamed at her... sometimes, a rock or a dirt clod would be thrown at her. To not feel the pain, she'd run next door back to Grandma Alma's and George's house. She would cry in silence... she just wanted to play with someone.

Sometimes her cousins liked her, sometimes they didn't. They were so rough and rowdy, all were boys excepting one girl. Shea was a girl and couldn't, though she'd try, do everything they did. They were always getting cut or hurt seriously.

Yes, Shea knew lots of pain as a young child... ask Shea 'what is hell?' She can tell you honestly what hell is like... she lived in the house that guarded hell... the portal was beneath the floor. She lived there as a little innocent girl, no one to protect her but, a paralyzed elderly woman and a blind, older man.  They tried but, just out of their sight... things went on. 'Hell-things'...........

No comments:

Post a Comment