PART 2... SHE TRIED TO DIE TO GET AWAY FROM THE PAIN
(January 06, 2012)
(January 06, 2012)
It hurts so bad, it hurts so bad. She was listening to Anthony tell her things he shouldn't have. No wife should hear such from a man she loved at one time almost more than... her own life. She almost died... because of him on more than one occasion.
Anthony was sitting on the edge of the deck talking to her... bragging about his latest conquest. In her mind, just another old whore he'd been to bed with. Anthony loved women, he loved ugly women as well as beautiful women. He loved old women, young women... Anthony was no more than a male whore. He would never be true to any one woman, no matter how pretty or how good she was.
She listened as she always did... he forgot she was his wife, she was such a good listener. People always made that mistake and would confide in her.. they always forgot 'who' she was... they loved having someone listen to them.
Anger ...anger began to build up inside her. How dare he? For 2 months, Anthony had come to try to get her to let him come back home. For 2 months he had told her that if she even considered the thought to date another man, he would kill her. He said if 'I can't have you, no one else will'.
She told him that his cousin had asked her out to lunch. He told her he didn't mind that because his cousin was very overweight and he knew he couldn't do anything... he wasn't worried about him. She did go out to lunch with his cousin. He was the nicest person and seemed genuinely concerned for her.
She was lonely and she was trapped at the home she had lived in for fourteen years... she wasn't allowed to go out with anyone, though he was coming there to brag to her about the women he was bedding down.
Anthony had told her that if she dated anyone he would shoot her and to show her what he meant... he held his thumb and index finger up like a gun.. and touched her in the middle of her forehead. 'If I can't have you, no one else will.
At nights when she'd go to bed she would lay there, aware of the place in the middle of her forehead. She could feel where his finger had touched when he told her he would kill her if she went out with anyone. When she would go to sleep she had nightmares that he was chasing her, trying to shoot her. The love she felt for him had begun to turn to fear of him.
One day a man came that she and Anthony had always liked and respected. He was an older man, a very attractive man. She always liked him and he always liked her. He asked her out to supper and she wanted to go, but, was so afraid to go out. She told him she was afraid to go.
Day after day she'd stayed at home for almost 3 months and she was dying to go out. She was tempted to take Alan up on his invitation. He was very persuasive... that handsome smile finally won her out. Besides, he never tried to reach out for her with his hands... if he had, she wouldn't have accepted the invitation.
They went to a nice restaurant where they sat and talked, forgetting time, forgetting anyone was in the world. She was so happy and her smiles reflected that. Alan wanted to hold her and to protect her. He knew she was afraid.
They drove to the river nearby and sat on the picnic table enjoying being outside and the company of each other. They smiled and laughed and talked and.... time flew by.
It was late into the night when he drove her back home. The closer they got to her home, the more nervous she became. She began to become aware of the spot on her forehead... it was beginning to burn. She felt faint inside... Anthony might be waiting to shoot her.
Alan drove up the circle drive to her home and her eyes scanned everywhere the headlights would shine at... to see if she could see any evidence of Anthony being there. She didn't see anything to cause her alarm. She knew Tommy, her little son, was safe at Anthony's mother's home. She wished he were here!
She and Alan said goodbye and he asked her out again. She told him that for now, she was too afraid to go back out. He waited until she walked to the door and unlocked it and went inside. He left.
She leaned against the door so thankful that maybe Anthony didn't know she had been out. She began to get ready for bed.
The next day Anthony came and they did as usual... they sat out on the edge of the deck to talk... she listened to him trying to convince her to let him come back home.
'I know you were out last night, and I told you that I didn't want you to go out with anyone'. She felt a cold fear in her stomach and her heart began to beat fast. 'I waited behind that bush for you last night'. 'I would have killed you if you had come home'.
She stayed calm and to look at her, no one would see how afraid she was. She told him, yes, she did go out last night and that she couldn't bear to stay there all the time.
He began to accuse her of sleeping with Alan, calmly she told him that she didn't. Anthony believed her. He knew how honest she was, he had no reason to not believe her.
She wanted to tell Anthony that she was leaving the mountains to go home to her mother. She decided to tell him now. She was close to a breakdown, she had no one to turn to. Only his family members lived close by and they didn't get involved... they liked her but, of course...Anthony came first to them.
She understood that ... but, she was young and she was lonely. She had been sheltered here for fourteen years... she wanted to leave, at the same time she was afraid. She'd never been on her own before. She wanted to be around people who laughed, who smiled and were happy. She wanted her mama, to just be near her mama.
Here... she was all alone every day, every night excepting when her little son was there. Anthony told her that if she took their son away from him, he would kill her.
She began to talk to Anthony in a quiet voice asking him to please let her take their son with her to go stay with her mother. He immediately became very upset with her and told her again... just try taking him anywhere and I will kill you. There was no reasoning with him.
She quit talking and sat there knowing in her heart that one way or the other, she was leaving there. She knew she could no longer live this way. It was wrong for him to tell her what she could and couldn't do.. yet, he kept doing as he wanted.
Anthony got up to leave and turned to her and asked her if she was sure he couldn't come back home. She looked up at him and said 'goodbye Anthony' in a very quiet voice. He looked closely at her, he'd noticed something different about her. She was too quiet.
She told him good evening and walked up the steps and into the house locking the door behind her. Anthony stood there for a few minutes and walked to the car and left.
She went to the bathroom and found sleeping pills sitting on the shelf. Why they were there, she couldn't remember, it didn't make any difference now. She opened the cap on them... the bottle was full.
She began to take them, several at a time. All the while tears were streaming down her face. She had lost the fight inside, her spirit was crushed ... she could go on no longer.
When she took the last pill, she set the bottle and cap on the counter. She had begun to feel the effects of the pills. She walked into the living room to the coffee table. She picked up the photo album and the scissors that were laying there.
She sat down on the carpet with the album and scissors and turned pages finding photos of Anthony, of her ... and began cutting up each picture. She made a big pile of cut up photos. She was crying as she did this... this was the end.
She began to get up and fell back down, the sleeping pills were overpowering her. She held onto the table and kept pulling until she half-stood. She began to take little steps holding on to the chair, the couch and made it to the front door.
She held the doorknob in her hand and turned it, it was locked. Her fingers began to work at the lock trying hard to turn it to unlock it. Her fingers were so weak and with one last effort, she turned it, then .. the doorknob.
Laying on the ground, the sensation of being stung over and over... what was that? Feeling the dirt on her mouth, seeing the grass next to her eyes. She became aware of her.... self. She couldn't remember what happened to her and why was she laying on the ground?
Little by little she raised herself up from the ground... ants were stinging her where bare skin was. Her eyes were blurry as she tried to see where she was. She had been laying on the ground near the steps leading up on the deck.
The memory of yesterday and the days before, began to fill her head. Oh God, it was hurting. She began to throw up as she held to the rail on the steps. She cried as she stood there throwing up and though she was a grown woman, she began to think of her mama... she wanted her mama.
Her mother was 200 miles away ... she was in no condition to get there. She made her way up on the deck and went back into the house. She had to move slowly because she felt like fainting, she was so weak. She saw a pile of photos that had been cut up, the album laying there with the scissors on top of it.
She was so sick and needed medical attention. She didn't call anyone ... she didn't know who would care if she lived or died. She always had to fight her battles alone, she would live or die now... alone. She no longer cared, her fight was gone.
She made it to the bathroom and held on to the countertop where she saw the opened medicine bottle with the cap laying there. She had to get to the commode... she threw up again. Sick as she felt, she wanted to be clean and lay down.
She turned on the water to the shower and slowly took off her clothes and got inside pulling the curtain close. The hot water showered her body clean, her hair clean ... oh God, I'm so sick, she kept thinking. She only wanted now, to get into her long gown and lay down.
She was in a fog, a sort of drunken stupor from the pills she took. The hot water from the shower added to it, she wanted to do nothing more than go to sleep.
She woke up again and was in her bed, she was dressed in her gown. She could vaguely remembering the cold ground, the stinging of ants and being in the shower. She laid there falling to sleep and waking up to only fall asleep again.
When she came to, she was more awake and felt like she could get out of bed. She did, and went to the bathroom .. she avoided looking in the mirror at herself. Her mirrors wouldn't like her today.. they always loved her. But... not today.
She walked slowly down the hall and went to sit at the dining table. The wind was blowing the treetops gently and it soothed her to watch them gently sway. The birds were flying happily and the sun was shining so brightly. She wanted to be outside where everything was ... alive.
She was outside sitting on the deck. She was thinking ... and realized that today .. wasn't yesterday when she took the pills. She'd lost a day and night ... she had laid out on the ground overnight she thought. She couldn't be sure of anything. She did know she was alone.. always alone and no one knew... or cared.