Sunday, January 15, 2012


These are My Opinions Only... Candles In the Wind... This Is How I See Things... 'Family'... Magic Colors!... Acts of Kindness


(January 15, 2012)

Yesterday, I kept thinking about 'candles in the wind'.. to be specific... my candles in the wind.

I know there is a most beautiful song by the name of Candles in the Wind by Elton John. I dearly love this song. My 'candles in the wind'....... is alittle different.

I was thinking about relationships being like candles burning.. and somehow the thought of some flames burning brightest against a wind.. and how others just go out at the slightest breeze. I was comparing them to relationships in my life.

I began to think about relationships alot lately... especially family relationships. I noticed for reasons I'm not sure of... I've reached out once more in my own family, hoping to draw some members closer. I know there will be the 'same-old, same-old', but, I'm seeing alot are 'reaching back'. Do you know what an honor 'that is'.... in my 'family'? I'm amazed, I'm just touched deeply.

I know there is curiosity, there are questions, there is wonderment.... on their part. Well... on my part I wish for 'connection'... I see my pride doesn't want me to say that at all... why? Truthfully.... fear of rejection. I've learned I'm not the only one 'who fears rejection'.

At this time, I can say honestly... I would just like a real connection with each one... I say that from my heart. It doesn't matter if it is 'close kin' or 'distant kin'... I would like to be connected. I 'want them there'. I want the ones who accept talk to me, speak to me sometimes... just type the simple word 'hello'.. I'd be very happy. I won't ever reject you... please don't reject me. I love you all... we are a very real part of each other.

I would like to 'light all my candles in the wind'... again. I won't let the forceful winds of the storms that pass... blow them out again. I want my candles to burn brightly .... forever.

They all have their stories of pain to tell, or not tell. They've all been affected by 'family'. When I say 'family'... I will try to define in words what I mean.

I realize one can't just simply say 'family' and 'blame everything on family'. This is the way I use the word 'family'......

My definition (my definition only and how I think of the word 'family' in my own mind).................................................

'Family'.... the word 'family' to me means when something bad happens and the........

particular members who are present when it all happens'. Therefore.... when there are upsetting, bad, awful things .... those particular 'family' members were there to either cause or contribute to whatever negative happened.

Mind you.... each of the 'family' members present are probably the best people you will ever meet...... but, together in combinations of other 'family' members........ the very worst is brought out and they act differently... they become strangers and do things in a bad way. They are cruel and they are vicious. 'Anything' can and will happen from this 'combination' of personalities and certain people'.

What's so strange is..... when 'they do bad things... people will be shocked and say.... 'I can't believe so and so did that!' 'I know they didn't do that, I know them!' 'I don't believe that about them, they are good people!'

Some will say 'something must have happened to make them do bad!' My opinion is when it involves several people and something bad happens.......... alot of times those people should have never been together in that 'combination' to begin with. They only bring out the worst in each other.

This is my opinion only... so, don't think I'm an expert... I'm not at all. This is the way 'my eyes, and ears' see and sense. I could be very wrong.

Yet.... put those same family members into another 'combination' of family members.... the best is brought out of them. They will do good things.. then. They are good people. They wouldn't think of doing 'bad'... no, not at all. The 'combination' is good... only good will come from them.

In fact, when certain combinations of people are together... they can create miracles! These are my favorite kind of people... their colors are wonderful... everything is good about them... though they are nowhere 'perfect at all'..... only 'perfect enough to create the miracles and good things they do well'.

Good people... wow.. I love 'good' people. I love the things they do for others, the kindness in their eyes, the strength they share when someone is weak, the food they share when they know someone is hungry. This is the world I love... good people.

That isn't to say that 'bad' people are all bad. There are levels of 'bad'.... and we need people to be 'bad' at certain levels ... not in an awful, scary way.... but, to be tough enough to protect others when they are in danger from people who want to hurt them, people who fight for the 'underdog'. I love alot of 'bad' people, too. They are only 'bad' enough to accomplish 'good' things.

I know... you have to think about this. I am complex and I realize I have 'complex thoughts'... that's not unusual for me! :))

I can only write about things I know and see.... I've had no formal training ... only experience with 'family'.... either real family or people who aren't related. People... I have studied since I was little... to make it this far in life. I've 'dodged and missed bullets' all my life, ha! Don't take that literally! I'm talking here, about imaginary life's 'bullets'. :)))))

I write what 'I know in my own mind'... it doesn't mean its gospel... 'it's simply my way of thinking, seeing, feeling'.

I'm going to give you an example I witnessed many years ago and after you read it.... you will always know what I mean when I say 'family'.

Years ago, I worked in the emergency room and at that time, my office was 'right there'. I saw and knew everything, my friends were doctors and nurses and the EMT people, and of course other people who worked in offices.

Everyone's goal was to save people in the emergency room.. it all began when the EMT's were called. They began life-saving techniques as soon as they showed up on the scene.

When my eyes and ears became aware of an emergency getting ready to happen.... I stood waiting alot of times with clipboard and pen in hand ready to get any information possible... family had to be notified and information about the patient had to be gathered by asking the patient, if he/she was alert. If family members were there, information would be gathered from them. Verifying insurance had to be done, especially for certain things.

I would put all the info into the computer quickly as possible and make up a plastic bracelet for the patient to wear on his wrist to identify him. I registered patients, did admissions and discharges.

I also, was one of the first people someone saw when they were brought in.... sometimes those people bonded with me... they saw I cared with my heart. I would always reach out to pat them or to hold their hand. I have cried for many strangers.

I know when I went through my life-threatening illness the 3 years I almost died....... I know that it all came back to me.... it seemed I met more angels in my life than I ever have... before, or since. I believe when one is kind and good to others, even in the smallest way, it definitely 'comes back to you'. It really does. It goes the same way ..if you are ugly and bad to others, it's going to definitely come back.... to bite you in the ass! Pay attention... you will be telling me you know it to be true!

When I began working at the hospital, I worked in Communications where I answered hundreds of calls all day long... I paged doctors and nurses, office workers, everyone ... all day long. I called for doctors to reach other doctors in other hospitals, I worked with the public giving information... and office duties along with that. The hospital WAS my life at one time, I loved it so much.

At the emergency room, I was one of the first people right along with the doctor and nurses ready to receive that emergency patient. I even held alot of hands my own self, and patted alot of heads. My heart felt for every person. Of course, I wasn't the most important person 'there' at all.... I wasn't a doctor or nurse.

If the patient wasn't alert, the nurse or doctor would hand me their wallet or purse, if available.... to find out their name, address, phone number and of course... insurance. I would then, place the wallet or purse into the safe in the office.

One day on a Sunday, I think.... I was at my desk looking out the glass door when I noticed a young man carrying something that made him almost stoop to the ground!

I immediately got up and ran to the door to open it for him (here at the emergency room). He was having a time with his load... but, he meant not to drop it!

He had his elderly mother cradled in his arms and he was trying to get her help as soon as possible.... I led him right to 'bed 3'. I had worked long enough to 'know' that's where she would go.

I noticed on my way into the emergency room a doctor and nurse who were in charge of the emergency room that weekend. You wouldn't have wanted a better doctor or a... better nurse to save your life. Only... the combination of medical people was 'different'.

I loved them, both of them.... after that day I would never look directly at them, nor speak to either again. They forever changed how I looked at them again. These people were the best and they were well-respected... they were honestly good people... but, something 'bad' happened. It was the 'combination', that's what I call it.. mind you.... I don't know what it'd be called for-real... only I know what I call it.

The doctor and nurse that I liked and respected so well... were sitting down at the counter in the emergency room.. all was quiet and peaceful in there. As I walked by I leaned over and told them that the woman was very ill, that she could be having a heart attack.

They'd been sitting there laughing and talking just like anyone would do whenever they got a break, and could catch a second breath.

I led the young man to the bed and he placed his mother on it. She was smiling at me, I'll never forget her face... she was looking me directly in my eyes. I could sense she was very ill.

I walked quietly, quickly back to the doctor and nurse and told them to please check her, she was very sick. I 'knew' that woman was very sick... and I was only a office worker!

I went back to my office and did the paperwork and bracelet and walked back in the emergency room... I couldn't believe they were still ...................sitting there laughing and talking!

I know I spoke sharply to them (who was I to speak to them like that... I know... but, I did to make them realize that woman was so sick!). About that time 'all hell broke out'........

They ran to the woman who now, was fighting for her life! The son was crying and I was gently leading him back out to the waiting area. Oh, how my heart hurt for him, for the.... wasted time! I felt anger .. at that moment. Deep anger... and such disappointment in two of my favorite of all doctors and nurses!

I ran back to check on the woman, and saw that everything had cleared around her.... her bed and the area around it.. had become an arena.... for the battle of life and death!

I watched, standing there with many emotions running through me.... as they pulled the crash cart closer and each person began doing what each knew to do... at such times as this. They fought and they battled for this elderly woman's life... you have never seen such a battle... I personally witnessed it as I witnessed many battles between life and death, while working there.

You wouldn't believe how much they work to save your life in a hospital. You wouldn't believe how the nurses and doctors are so 'drained' of their energy once that battle is over..... they put all of themselves into it..... into that arena where life and death struggles to win.

I had to go back out to the office .... time to register a walk-in patient. I did my usual ..all the time with my ear out for the battle I knew was going on in the emergency room at 'bed 3'.

I registered the patient and put her bracelet on... and told her it would be just a little wait, soon I would call her to go back.

When I walked back into the emergency room, all was quiet. I didn't have to be told ... I 'knew' that elderly woman, that mother of the young man, the woman who looked at me in my eyes and smiled... had ...died.

I had to go get her son to take him to the doctor's room ... for the doctor to 'come back to talk to him'.

At this very moment (this was back in the early 90's).... I choke up thinking about this particular time in my life. You see... it affected me in the worst way. Again... I'd seen the best people... in the 'wrong combination'... look what happened.

How many times I have witnessed the pure, raw grief of people like you and I suffer when we lose or nearly lose our loved ones?

How many times did I see people come in to wait for their loved ones to be stabilized and be alright again... smiling and hopeful, knowing everything is going to be alright.

How many times did I witness beautiful, hopeful smiles slowly turn into shock.. and smiling mouths begin their silent screams for the loss of someone who meant their very world?

Sometimes those screams would be loud enough so, that when I did work at the front office at the front of the hospital.... I would hear the screams, the anguish, the raw emotion all the way to there.

I remember many times .. feeling the pain as if it was my own mother, my own brother, my own.... at that time I couldn't ever bear to think... my own ..child. Now...... I know that anguish, that grief, that raw emotion.... I still experience it and go through really bad times, even today.

I did learn quickly on the job at the emergency room to 'pull an imaginary wall' down to protect my feelings as I worked with the worst that could happen to people, people like you and I. Children, like our children.... us.... people. If I hadn't learned to... I could have never coped and I wanted to be there... I could make a little difference.

I couldn't save the whole world... but, maybe I could touch just alittle of each person's world that passed by me.. in a way to show them caring until their own loved ones got there. I know I would want badly for that to happen to me... if I were the one brought in to the emergency room. That kindness would mean the world.

Since then, I've experienced how it feels to receive back such caring... and amazingly people went 'way out of their way' to come to me, to speak to me and to just care.

I'll give you an idea of the special things that happened to me.... (like 'I, me... really me?) ... was special! I was very ill and going through many tests, CTscans, Muga scans, Gallium scans .. every kind of test. A woman named Mary was doing a scan on me... she took time to talk to me and she learned how I love colors and I told her one of my secrets!

My secret was............. and this is how I told her: Mary, I've always loved colors and it's Christmas time now... that if everyone would listen to me about the kind of gift I would really want... they'd never have to spend but... a few dollars instead of 'big' money.

I told her that all they would have to do is to just buy me several little boxes of magic markers or several little bottles of acryllic paints at Walmart.... it would make me so happy to see and admire the colors... plus, I could paint with them!

I was telling her that my loved ones, Skip and Tommy... never paid me any attention. They'd go to lengths to give me something very expensive. They would do this (of course, I loved the expensive gifts... I was thinking to not cost them so much). I never thought about what I said after I left there... I was fighting my own battle at that time.

I came back some time later, and Mary was there to do the test/study again. While I lay there, she came up to me and she whispered in a soft voice.... 'Merry Christmas, Gloria'. I turned to look at her through my sick and tired eyes and saw.... this little box that was wrapped in silver Christmas paper, with a little red bow.

Instantly, tears came to my eyes.... because I had become much sicker and I 'knew' I was going to die.... I wouldn't be needing anything.

I'd even told Skip and Tommy to not keep buying things for me, nor keep buying all the Ty Beanie Babies they kept buying for my huge collection (most of them burned up in the housefire later in time)....... the reason I told them that was... why waste the money, I wasn't going to get to use them.

I didn't even dare at that time to 'see' me knowing life in the near future.... not until my fighting spirit came out. I was 'hell' then, and I meant to live. Skip, my hero, pulled that to the surface in me... he meant that I was going to live!

Anyway, I opened that little gift and I did choke up and my eyes filled with tears that wet my face, my pillow..... I cried ... there was two boxes of...... beautiful magic markers! Beautiful happy colors that came into my sight at that very moment ... when my world was the darkest, so bleak. Those colors meant the world to me.

At this very moment.... my face feels wet. I'll be darn... tears are falling on my cheeks again. I have to tell Mary I remembered... we've lost touch through the years. She is on my mind now... I don't know if she ever knew how she touched my life in the simplest of ways.. and touched deeply my heart. For some reason, I feel like crying.... thinking about such caring from a stranger.. for me. It really meant the world to me. Do you know... alot of strangers have cared for me. Isn't that something?


1 comment:

  1. I have always said, "blood is thicker than water" and no family should quarrel about anything. I hope that young man sued the Dr and nurses in the ER because he lost something very precious--his mother! There are a lot of nurses that are very kind and caring. Love, Ms. Nancy