YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE ME TO MY GRANDMA'S!
January 05, 2012
'Give me some of that young stuff!' He was trying to hold me and I was fighting him. He held me down hurting my shoulders, tearing my blouse. I tried to scratch him in his face to make him let me up! He was trying to kiss me on my chest and touch me where I'd never been touched before. I could feel heat from his body and his breath was hot on my skin.
I was so afraid and I didn't know this man anymore... he's not the person I knew! I pushed and strained to get away from him and he was on top of me, moving his hips on me, his hands everywhere on my body, hurting me. As he lifted up from my body, his hands reached for my hips, I took my feet and kicked him away from me. As he came forward, I slapped him with all my might!
I grabbed the handle of the door and pulled it down and almost opened the door to jump out. My head snapped back......his hand was pulling my hair, and I could hear him saying 'you are going to give me some of that young stuff!'
I was crying from pain, from shock. I screamed 'I want to go to my grandma's, you are supposed to take me to my grandma's!'
I wanted to tell him I was going to tell my mama, but, something stopped me. He told me that I was 'giving this young stuff to all the young boys, and he wanted some, too'!
I didn't know what he was talking about and I could smell liquor on his breath. He kept putting his lips on my face, and kept trying to kiss me on my chest. He was moaning and breathing hard! He was squeezing and hurting me!
Oh God, please don't let him hurt me, I prayed. Please help me! He pulled my skirt up with one hand and began to rub his hand over my body where he shouldn't.. he was hurting me! He was rubbing so hard and trying to touch me 'there'. Oh God, please help me!
I thought I could fight him off me, I was strong and fast, and .... young. He was in his forties and he was slender and not much taller than I... I was just over 5 feet and small. I knew I could hold my own against him. I knew I could get away from him..... he was stronger than I could know.
He twisted me around and pressed his body up tight and hard to mine, he held my head with his hands in my hair, and began kissing me, missing my lips... I was frantically moving my head trying to get away. He was pulling my hair, holding my face to put his lips on mine. My hands were pushing against his head... I pulled his hair!
He pulled my skirt up higher, and tore my panties and I knew he was winning as his hand touched my naked body. He touched me in a place that I knew he shouldn't ........
I screamed at him that I was going to tell my mama and the police if he didn't let me up!
He tried to smother my mouth with his lips kissing me hard! As his mouth slipped off mine, I screamed over and over. I was hysterical, I was going to be raped and I might die! I think I'm going to die and be put in that pond!
I screamed again and I called for my mama... I told him to please not hurt me, please let me go! He was hurting my arms, my legs, and my head trying to position himself on me. I kicked him again and he fell back against the door.
He began to come for me again and I screamed again... I'm going to tell my mama! As he grabbed me again, I told him the police was going to know... and he dropped me onto the seat.
I scrambled up and began to get out of his pickup and I heard him saying 'it's okay, it's okay.. I'm going to take you to your grandma's'. I turned around not knowing to trust or not trust.
I asked him if he would promise to please take me to my grandma's house. I recognized the man speaking now... and I wanted to trust him. All I wanted to do was to get away from him.
My beautiful mother had a date with Bill, a man whom everyone knew. He was always nice to everyone and the only thing 'bad' anyone ever said about Bill, was that he drank sometimes.
I had to babysit my little brothers, Ricky and David. I was fifteen years old and had come to live with my mother... again. I didn't know my little baby brothers until I came to live with her. They were precious and I loved them.
My mother would date sometimes as she was single and only 14 years older than I. She was beautiful... she looked like Elizabeth Taylor... men desired her and chased her. Bill wasn't any exception. Her boyfriends always seemed to notice me, too.
Mom asked me to babysit Ricky and David. I told her that grandma (Alma) was sick and wanted me to come spend the night with her. Mom told me that she wouldn't be late and that Bill could drive me to grandma's when they got back. I agreed.
When they came back, I had my things ready to go to grandma's and got into Bill's pickup. He made small talk as he drove and when he came to the stop sign, he turned right when he should have turned left.
I felt instant unease and told him ... 'you are going the wrong way'. He told me that he needed to go that way to check on something. I relaxed, he said he'd take me to grandma's in just a few minutes. I trusted him, I'd always known who 'Bill' was... I never thought to ...distrust him.
He drove out of town where I lived... I didn't know anything about the country side... excepting it was dark and there weren't any street lights out there. It was scary to me but, I didn't say anything. I knew he was going to take me to grandma's in a few minutes.
He slowed and turned left, and the road was dirt and there were trees on both sides... and as he drove down it, I saw the lights reflecting off the water. I felt fear, I felt sick on my stomach.
I didn't say anything because ....suppose he isn't doing something wrong and I said something, my mama would be mad at me! My mom could be very high-tempered and I had alot of respect for her.
He stopped his pickup close to the pond and turned off the lights, then... the motor. He turned to me and .... jumped onto me! That began the struggle... I knew it! I knew it!
I had sensed right... he did mean harm to me. I listened closely as he talked to me. I didn't know whether to run or to trust him and pretend nothing's happened.
I began to trust what he was saying ... I looked around me and all I could see was darkness.... I was so afraid. I'd never been out in the country side... I didn't see streetlights anywhere.
I stood there knowing if he came toward me ... I was prepared to run, dark or no dark!
I became aware of my blouse being twisted, torn, barely covering my breast. I began straightening it... to cover myself and I pulled my skirt down around my legs. My fingers played over my hair to try and put it back in place so, my grandma wouldn't know that something had happened to me.
I hurt in every place his hands grabbed me and pulled at me. My body felt hot from fighting. I stood there long enough to get my breath back again... and to build my strength back up.... just in case.
I was going to fight like hell if Bill touched me again and I was going to fight to the death! He didn't know I was stalling to feel 'strong' enough to be ready for him if I needed to be.
I felt anger and I felt strong .... I got in the seat and closed the door slowly ... just in case. I was watching him. He stayed under the steering wheel and he was speaking to me.
He told me that he wasn't going to hurt me anymore and I swear... I believe Bill was crying. He was apologizing to .... me!
'I'm so sorry, Faye... I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me'. He asked me to please never tell anyone that it'd never happen again.
I felt my heart soften toward him and I ...believed him. I think I forgave him, too. He began driving out to the highway with both hands on the steering wheel.
I watched his hands..... it's always 'hands that are reaching out for me'... always 'men's hands trying to touch me' when I least expect it! I didn't trust those hands and if they dared to come off that steering wheel... I was going to jump out of that pickup, moving or not moving!
We got back to town and the nightlights on the streets began to comfort me and I was thinking if I had to jump out 'now'... I knew where I was and ... I could see.
I was so afraid of that darkness in the country side. Bad things happen in the dark!
He stopped in front of my grandma's house and I quickly got out. I never looked back at him and I ran up the sidewalk to the door and opened it and went inside quickly. My grandma Alma and George were very glad to see me! I was more glad to see them... I might not have seen them anymore.
I never saw Bill again, I never heard anything about him again until one day.......
Did you hear? Bill _______ committed suicide! He was sitting in his home where he lived with his mother, and daughter, he took his gun and shot himself in the head! Bill's dead!
I look back at this day and time (2012) to when this happened... it happened in 1968... and at this moment I can still feel some of the emotions I experienced, then. My stomach felt sick and for a few moments, I felt breathless... just as I felt when I was fighting.
I wonder 'why' he stopped... was it the threat of telling my mama, the police?
Did he feel grief inside for trying to hurt a young girl who was crying so hard, for frightening her?
Was it something in my eyes that touched his heart? He could have done anything to me and later ...put my body in that pond... the pickup was next to it.
I've often wondered 'what went through his mind to make him stop?' Did he see that I didn't know what he meant when he said he 'wanted some of that young stuff?' Could he have been ashamed?
These are questions I've always held in my mind about ...Bill. I'm sorry he committed suicide... did he take his life because he almost took... mine?
I never told anyone until I was an adult... I always fought my own battles.
I have one more question.... 'why' didn't ... I ... tell someone? This was one of many.... secrets I never told to anyone until I became an adult.
Maybe... fear of what could happen 'if' I told someone.... maybe afraid someone ... could die. I think again.... who would have cared... just who would have cared?
I'm afraid of death, and darkness. I don't want to die. I don't want to cause anyone else .... to die.
I forgive you, Bill. I think I forgave you that night when you became yourself again.... I don't think you really meant to do what you did. I really was afraid of you that night. I'm sorry you committed suicide.