BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES
This morning Skip and I were talking about my writing. I was showing him the hundreds of pages I have written in three months. I held the stack in my hands and said....
"I have written all of this because of ...Lena". Lena and I wrote everyday, several times a day for.... twelve years. Lena died in August of 2011... when she died, I couldn't stop writing.
I found that I couldn't stop writing... she and I wrote just like I write everyday... we wrote about 'real life'... we used words that had meaning and never used 'empty' words.
I miss Lena with my very heart, and I have to be careful when thinking of her... it makes me cry. She was an important part of my life each day, and each morning early the first thing I did was to turn my computer on to find Lena's emails... they'd always be there. When they weren't.. or mine weren't there to her... something was wrong. We would worry so much about the other until we knew what had happened. Yes, Lena meant the world to me.
Lena is 'why' I write now... she isn't 'there' to write to now. That's 'why' I write to you, and you all mean the world to me. I'm going to be writing to you... for the rest of my life. Lena would be proud of me.
I'm always 'here' too, when you write back to me. I love the emails I get from different people, I always answer them back. 'Why?' Because they are important to me, and someone thought I was important enough to take their time to write to me. I think you are important enough to take my time to write back... and I always will.
Do you know... I lost Tommy, Fairchild... our 11 year old Rottie, and Lena close together... they were so important and special to my 'private-real' life. If someone asked me to describe how it felt for that to happen.... I could only look at them and say... 'I don't think there are enough words to describe that kind of pain'. I know I've told you that it is the worse, and I know alot of you understand... because you can imagine, and I know there are some who have and are now, on that same path I travelled.
My only words to someone who is suffering as I have and do now... keep picking yourself back up, keep dusting your pants off. Doesn't that sound so easy to do? When you lose your most loved ones, I promise you.... those little words no way compare to how hard it is to do.
But... somehow one has got to keep going forward... we all have other loved ones who need us, too. So... you just have to keep doing that, go forward... fall down, get up, fall back down, crawl..cry, scream... get back up, fall back down, cry... sob... weep, but, no matter what... get back up..... after a 'million' times, one gets stronger.
One can still have 'weak' moments, I do. I'll feel them 'coming on'... or out of the blue, they can happen. I will cry it out until my eyes are sore from so many tears, I can't breathe good, and my body feels so weak.
Do you know what? 'NOW'... I open my eyes and I 'look forward', and in my mind 'I go forward'... soon, I'm alright again. I can 'know' that no matter what... I'm going to make it... 'now'. I may be going forward 'in tears'... soon.. the sunshine's warmth will dry them, warm my heart, fill my mind with its healing light... I walk forward 'just a little stronger'... once again.