Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I AM LIKE THE SUNSHINE THAT COMES OUT TO BRIGHTEN A CLOUDY DAY... I WILL SHINE AGAIN... SOON

I AM LIKE THE SUNSHINE THAT COMES OUT TO BRIGHTEN A CLOUDY DAY... I WILL SHINE AGAIN... SOON

BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE

I was driving down the highway this morning. I had just come from feeding the cats I feed each day. I was listening to the radio on station 100.7 ... Kitty Kenan show.

'Mama, I killed a man'..... the song had just came on, the man was singing these words. Instantly, it threw me back to 3 years ago when Tommy called me to say .... 'Mama, I just killed a man'... I began sobbing. It felt like yesterday... I could feel, remember the pain, shock, grief in my son's voice. I had just left 'here' and traveled back to a dark road in my memory.

He was speaking so low as if 'he was trying to speak from another world'. He was in another world... one that would affect the last year of his life, and would help to cause his death. Tommy could never cope with knowing he had killed a man, no matter .... if it wasn't his fault. Tommy was a kind, gentle, big guy... his mind couldn't bear what happened.

I remember feeling as if somehow 'I had done it, too'. This was when the man stepped out of his car, it was stopped in the center lane of 3 lanes of traffic, no breakdown lane........ on the Hernando De Soto Bridge. We never knew 'why' that man stepped out in front of Tommy's tractor trailer.

The bridge goes across the river from Tennessee into Arkansas. A bridge that Skip and I, also, knew well. We'd been across it so many times through the years. Alot of people have lost their lives on that bridge.

I felt such grief well up in my heart as I listened to that song... I remembered. I cried just as I did that day for my son. When I got home I felt so sad, and from crying... I felt weak, sleepy. I was also, cold... the weather has turned cooler again. I laid down on the bed and pulled my blankets up on me, went to sleep... crying softly inside. It just hurt so bad. I couldn't stand up with that pain, I didn't want to stay awake with that pain. I went to sleep 'to lose it, leave it there'...

I have just gotten up not long ago, wondering 'why' I don't feel the best. This is 'why'... I just remembered, I wanted to write about it.

No matter how much you think you 'have it all together', how you think you are coping so well with grief, how alright you feel you are going to be... 'this' happens. Something will unexpectedly reach into your heart, make you remember that pain... and you will feel it just as if it happened... again. You will sob just as I did. It really hurts so bad.

Not everyone has suffered grief yet in their lives. We have no way to escape it unless... we 'go first'. It's going to happen, it does no good to ask 'why'... there aren't any answers. I can tell you this... I have suffered grief so many times in a few short years in my life... it seems like I went most of my life never experiencing how it felt. It 'all began to happen at one time'... one by one, the very people 'I loved most' .... died. One by one..................

How can I describe grief? It's a 'trapped' feeling of panic of knowing deep inside the very person you love ... is forever gone. You can't imagine life without them, you cry your very heart out.... over and over, over again. No matter how much you cry, you hurt... they aren't going to come back. For me... it almost took my very life from me... I didn't think I could bear such pain... this was pain 'bigger than any I'd ever felt from anything in my life... I had enough pain in my life ...to make this comparison.

For a moment... think of your child being gone forever. Stop now... because it hurts so much 'to just think such a horrible thing'. My very heart prays that you never experience this pain in your entire life. This was only 'for a moment' to imagine. Can you imagine ... if it was forever?

Again... I tell myself for the 'millionth' time... it's all going to be alright. I'm going to be alright and while I do, tears stream down my face... oh God, the pain squeezing my heart.. please stop. No matter that it hurts so bad, soon I will be alright again..... I am like the sunshine that comes out to brighten a cloudy day... I will shine again ...soon.

 

8 comments:

  1. ----and we will bask in your warmth!(((hugs)))

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    1. Your words made me smile, subehnkee. That was so special.

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  2. (((Oh, Gloria!))) I hate those bursts of grief but not nearly as much as forever. There are some days when the best I can do is just plod through the day, stopping to grieve and cry. The day passes and sometimes the next one is better. Most times.

    You are right. The beautiful part of Tommy is with you and that's the part that will shine on like the sun. In the midst of overwhelming sadness, I always think would I trade this pain for a life without Jack? The answer is NEVER! His life was too short but it was all I got and I wouldn't give those memories away.

    Hugs to you from south Texas!

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    1. How true your words are... you are right 'Never'... we were honored to have our sons and to know them when they were here. Our grief is pure love for them. Thank-you for your words. Love, Granny Gee

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  3. You are like the sun shine! You brighten my day this morning! I enjoyed our meeting so much! It was so good to see you again. I know my day will be a good one now. Not only did I get to see my best friend---I am also going to pick up my little great grandson this afternoon and that will make my day complete! You have helped me to have a great day! Love, Ms. Nancy

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  4. It saddens me to read your story. Grief, loss, and all sorts of pain are hard to overcome. Everyday, we pray that the pain would be less, the tears would be less. I believe that there's hope that things will be better, for you, for me and for those whose lives have been tormented by all sorts of grief. I wish you all the best....island traveler

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  5. Every time I read your son's story, it breaks my heart. As a parent, I can not imagine the pain of the loss and everything else that goes with loosing a son that has been a part of you from the day he was born. My son is only 6. He wants to be an army soldier. I can only pray he would rich his dreams safely and that I would always be near his side when he does. God bless you always...-island traveler

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    1. Thank-you for caring, sending your words of compassion, hope, your thoughts. It means so much to read what you, everyone writes to me. I think when someone has alot of pain inside... to hear, to read caring words is like putting medicine on a wound... it might not heal completely up... but, it makes all the difference in the world. I'm so glad to see your words here, too. Granny Gee

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