I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE... DEATH
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
For some time I've been thinking about something unimportant, yet ... it is to only me. One of my stories 'Watch Out For The Widow-Seekers' was the subject of a conversation... and the person I was talking to... thought it was in reference to something 'in their life'. It has stayed on my mind even when I didn't have to think about it. I wanted to tell that person... but, you 'know' sometimes... when it doesn't matter what you say...
I remembered thinking ...'how in the world did you possibly think that, I didn't even have you on my mind when I wrote that story'? I was so surprised... I had no idea. I even laughed to myself, thinking I'll have to read my story again.
I commented the very same thing to that person... they gave a little 'evil laugh' like.... 'yeah, we know you meant me'. I didn't bother to elaborate any farther... if they are vain enough to think that and hope it is about them... maybe it'll reward them in their new relationships... give them attention they might need'. No, I didn't elaborate because it was a situation when 'someone knows' ...only what they want to know in their mind. Hoping it was about them? If so, how are they rewarded in their lives from thinking that... wanting someone else to think that...
Some people need to let others make their decisions for them, and if they appear weak... that person will 'want to take care of them, protect them'. It's happened before... people are good actors... sometimes the 'weak are the strongest'... once they get what they want.
Women are good at fooling men like this... men are good at fooling women..... you've seen it as well as I have... to get a man/woman. Once they get what they want..... 'their true colors come out'.
Haven't you been shocked as I have been in the past... to see people you knew, loved and respected... become people you don't know? They 'become themselves'... they were 'them' all along... we just chose not to 'see' it. We hoped, we prayed that they were good... especially when their lives touched 'our loved ones' lives'.
They were like that 'all along'... biding their time until things fell in place to benefit them... they appear so sweet, so innocent until they get the man, woman they are after, get their insurances and property into their names, then ...... 'boom'!
It's amazing to see a big woman, big man act so sweet and innocent... apologizing so sweetly about 'everything... to make one feel sorry for them, make you think what a good, sweet person they are... to turn into a monster screaming vile filth, wanting to fight, being dishonest... deceptive......... on down the road.
One thinks back to the day you always heard .... 'I sorry'..... (just 2 words.... 'I sorry')... in a soft, sweet voice. That was 'the honey used to catch the fly'..... the honey caught the fly ... and destroyed it in its thick, suffocating way as it slowly lost any sweetness it ever had. It became a vile, hateful thick liquid. When it finishes its job... it begins again as a 'sweet, golden honey' liquid ... again... and again.
I will say that I finally did go back to my story and re-read it... I do see how they could have come to that conclusion. When people do things in their life, me included.... it's easy for us to think things said about something that 'is close to what happens in our lives'.... is ... meant toward us, about us.
I can honestly say my story was completely about observations I'd always made through the years... it really happens all the time. In fact, we are friends with the men who have done this... they aren't ashamed of it. They will tell anyone that 'their woman takes care of them'.
Anyway... yes, I 'can see how' that person 'thought that story' was about them... I can see... 'yes, it really could be ...now, that I've re-read it and think about it'... I can only say if it fits that person's life it's 'because they made the shoes 'fit them'... when they were never meant for them. They must have hoped it was. Don't be vain anymore... it wasn't about you. I can hold my ground and say it was ... if it was. It wasn't.
That darn song keeps playing in my mind... you know how one will become 'stuck' in one's mind and no matter.... it won't go away until finally you forget it. 'You Are So Vain If You Think This Song Is About You'.
Another thing about writing my life is that I'm going to write about 'my life'... I'm not going to satisfy others to please them. This is my life I'm recording... I'm not doing it to 'stroke other people' ... or keep them from getting angry at me. I don't have a son, a child any longer to 'carry on the story of me, his mother... no matter how unimportant/important we are... we don't want to be forgotten. Our lives did matter.... 'even if it doesn't matter to you'.
I'm holding my ground here in a 'good way'. I never intend to hurt others, or go out of my way to hurt others... 'but, if the shoe fits'... when you affected my life in a 'bad' way... you will recognize yourself.
I will write my stories the way I see and know them, have been affected by them. I have compassion even for people who have done the very worst to me in my whole life... strangely... I care 'even for their feelings'. That's the 'good in me'........ it's a wonder I haven't become a very 'bad' person, shaped and molded from all the things that has affected my life. As a young child I learned how to be 'bad'... by the best. I didn't 'use those tricks' even when life 'beat me up'.... I could have. I chose to fight in my own way... I have survived to this day.
I wish good things for the people I 'hate and despise' in my life, people whom I have an anger inside toward. I constantly work on that 'hate, anger' inside for what they've done to me, my loved ones... to forgive and to go forward. I'm not perfect at all... but, I truly am a good person. I choose to be that way. I could have chosen to be 'bad'... I didn't.
I don't like to hurt people any more than I have to... in my writing I never mean to hurt anyone. If you are one who has been 'bad' to me... why the experiences you created 'in my life'....... are the colors of my life, my life stories. This is 'why' I am 'me'... you helped to shape, mold me into the person I am today. You can be proud no matter how 'bad' you were to me in my younger life.... I didn't turn out to be a bad person. You may have hoped .... I would?
I have a suggestion to adults who mistreat little children... don't. They will grow up with you in their minds... always. They will never forget you, it will be uncomfortable looking into their eyes... they reflect the knowledge back to you of ... what you have done... directly into your eyes, your mind. It's hard to live with... isn't it?
Especially when you come to the realization that 'that child' has... forgiven you, that child treats you kindly in return for what you did to them when they were small, helpless and had no words for what you did. 'That child' meets you, smiles... goes on about their life never trying 'to hurt you back' for what you have done. I wonder... 'what goes on in your mind'?
Do you even have an idea of how I've struggled to stay good so, I can live with my own self? I've been on paths in my young life where I 'could have went on to be evil and ruthless'... I didn't choose those paths. I've suffered because I didn't, I chose to be a good person. I meant to be a good person... no matter what. It sure is hard....
'Good people' seem to 'suffer more'.... you would think 'only good things happen to good people'... it's not true. Good things happen alot for 'bad' people... they seem to have everything... they seem not to appreciate, be thankful to 'have everything'.
I'm a good person... I've lost most everything in my life that has meant the world to me... I loved and appreciated every one of them... I was thankful for them.
Life, people.... took them away from me. If I'd been a 'bad' person... I'd probably have all of them 'here today'. 'If'... I were a 'bad' person... there would be some very sorry people in this world... inside I smile sadly at this statement... it sounds like a child. Every since I was nine years old... 'my losses began'... they never stopped. I kept getting back up until.... my son died... I almost didn't, I almost quit.
Truthfully... Granny Gee feels anger sometimes over this. I'm just not perfect at all... I've tried to be in my life... I can't be. I still 'feel real feelings'... I can't seem to get past 'feeling'. I 'feel for everyone, everything'... I hurt for animals, people, strangers. My heart is big. I forgive people no one would ever think of forgiving. 'What is wrong with me'?
I could be bitter, mean, hate ... but, I fight being like that. I don't want it in my life. Sometimes though... it comes to the surface threatening to just... overwhelm me... I 'taste how bad it feels in my soul to hate, to be angry, bitter'.... I can't bear it, I can't bear that at all.
I couldn't be happy being like that... I would never see the sunshine on my path again, nor feel the breezes I treasure so much ...on my skin, or hear the 'happy sounds' of life again. I would be back in the 'dark' again. I can't go 'back there'... this last time... I almost didn't find my way back to 'life'. I almost didn't 'hear Skip calling me back'. I know how it 'feels to live ...death'.
I sit here, these are the words that come to my mind when I 'try to look back and 'see'.... in the past almost two years of my life.
'I know how it feels to live death'................................................................
I know how it feels to hate, feel that white anger, I know how it feels to feel the worst pain a mother can feel, I know how it is to... die... inside. I know how it feels 'to come back from all of that'... I have survived... once more.
So, to anyone who is hurt by anything I write.... it isn't any longer toward you personally... it's 'just a story of my life ...now'. If you hurt me, you are truly forgiven... my life isn't 'about you any longer'. You gave me the experiences that made me 'Granny Gee/Gloria'... today. If you gave me 'good' experiences... feel proud. If you gave me 'bad' experiences... be proud... you helped me become more determined to be a ... good person.
If you feel bad.... I'm sorry you have to hurt inside... I know how it feels. I know how many things you've never known in your life... feels. I hope you never have to.
I know how it feels to live... death.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)