IT'S STRANGE EVEN THOUGH... 'LOVE BOTTLED UP INSIDE'
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka Granny Gee (March 10, 2012)
I am sitting here thinking about my stories I've written for the past several days about Tommy. I know I am going through a period of time missing him and feeling inside... frustrated.
It's strange even though I know Tommy is gone... he can't come back... there's not a thing I can do to change that fact.......... I go through periods of time just like the one I'm experiencing now. It used to be that for the slightest of moments, I could almost feel him come back. Do you know how someone disappears from view when they walk into a doorway ..turn a corner? 'They could turn around and come back'. It is the only way I can describe what I just spoke of.
I think truthfully .... for me ..... I go through times where somehow I can stay numb (I wondered if we give ourselves spiritual pain shots inside?)... I can talk about Tommy, I don't cry at all. Then... such as now, I just sit here quietly at my computer, alone, crying silently 'inside' as the tears drip onto my desk, my keyboard.
Sometimes my fingertips will touch a teardrop on my keyboard, I stop to look at it. It feels cool, and in the light of my monitor... it sparkles, yes... it sparkles like a diamond. You know me by now... diamonds look like teardrops to me.... teardrops look like diamonds to me. :))) It's a 'Gloria thing'......
Frustration... I just did it again, I just observed my two hands clasping each other, my fingers holding tightly to the fingers of the other hand... my heart squeezing hard in my chest ... just wishing so much..... I sigh so hard....
I feel my foot lift slightly up and just .... 'hit' and press the floor lightly... I wish ... I really feel 'mad' and want to stomp my foot hard... but, I don't... I can't change a thing... I just 'stomp' my foot gently. It doesn't help a thing at all.
I'm really not 'mad' at all... I just wish my son was here... I see and hear other mothers talking happily about their sons of different ages... I knew my son up until age 40... I know about sons up until that age.
I do feel a happiness seeing another mother feeling and showing such pride and love for her son... I remember being like that. I was so proud of my son. I'm always seeing that golden sunshine smile of his in my mind, the one that lit his beautiful blue-green eyes up with a soft light, a caring light. His voice... oh my God... I wish to hear his soft voice again saying 'I love you, mama'.
I miss you, Tommy. I have you on my mind, I miss you, Son. My eyes hurt from crying, my nose is stuffy from crying, my heart is sore from the pain that has been soaring through it for the past several days. Tomorrow I go for an echocardiogram... my heart has been hurting.
It may be from just the love and missing my son... I can't tell, but... several times it has been severe. It may be the love in my heart that is 'bottled up' now... I don't have my child here now to shed it on. We hear so much of 'hate being bottled up'....... inside.... I think I have "love bottled up inside"... it may be what's making my chest hurt lately.
I have become aware of hearing myself 'sniffle'... yes, I am missing Tommy. I will be alright now... I just felt a calmness.
This is how this mother does... she grieves in silence so, that she doesn't upset her precious husband who worries with his heart for her, whom she loves and respects with her heart. He can't bear to see me cry... I hide my tears so, that he doesn't hurt. He has enough to worry about.
I don't know how other mothers grieve... I only know how I do. Just like when I was deathly sick... I didn't know how others got better or what to expect, I was too sick to ask.... I know that I got better in my own way... I fought hard in my 'Gloria way'. This is what is what I have done since Tommy died... I'm getting better in my 'Gloria way'. I'm glad to say I've travelled a long way to get to 'here'... I'm glad to be here 'now'.
Strangely enough... I know as a grieving mother that though I do go periods of time such as this... it's really going to be alright now. I know inside Tommy won't be coming back, I won't see him for the rest of my life. I have my own memories, I have photos, I have a few things of his... sometimes I sense him smiling. I have all these things, I keep his memory alive through writing.
I think he would be so proud and happy that his mama doesn't forget him, nor does she just sit.... and suffer in silence while growing old, bitter and angry at the world. His mother writes her love for him so, it can flow through the air and maybe even reach to him, as it goes out to her readers.
This mother remembers her son in her 'Gloria way'... in a good way. I want to grow older in a graceful way, full of beauty inside. I don't have the beauty I once had on the outside... somehow... it's all gone to the inside. I remember Grandma Alma saying what was important in life was 'beauty on the inside'.... I think this is how her saying went.... 'beauty is as beauty does'.
Oh...she said something else about 'beauty is skin-deep and ugly is to the bone'. Have you ever seen some of the most 'not prettiest people' ...reflect the most beauty from inside? They become beautiful in front of your eyes as they begin to speak, to show their actions. Have you seen 'beautiful people' who when they begin to speak, to show their actions become... some of the ugliest, meanest people in the world... no longer does one ever notice the beauty again, once the 'ugly' shows itself. I felt like is exactly what she meant.
I'm older, and my exterior beauty is slowly fading as the years go by, slowly finding its way to the 'inside of me'. Once I begin to speak or show my actions... I hope to reflect that beauty. I have a long ways to go... I'm not perfect, and I still can get mad, not be the nicest all the time... I try so hard. I will always try to be the best I can... sometimes it is the hardest thing to do. Do you agree?
Tommy's death took a heavy toll on his 'ole mom', and one can see those changes when they see 'me'. I now see those changes in my mirror... for a long time I've been embarassed for others to see me because 'I look like I've been through hell'..... now, I don't care. They don't know 'why' I have changed so drastically.... they don't know the world I have finally ... come out of.
I'm so thankful to be back out in the sunlight that warms my heart, the soft breezes that caress my skin, hear the sounds of life once again. Where I went and almost couldn't 'get back'...... was dark, cold, unforgiving. I knew no warmth, I felt no breeze, nor was I aware of life going on around me.
Somehow that wonderful sunlight reached down into my soul, made my path begin to appear so, I could slowly make my way back.... no, it wasn't easy.... it's taken almost 2 years to be able to function like a normal person again. I still have my moments, but now... I'm aware of them and I can consciously help myself.... no matter what... I keep fighting in my 'Gloria way'.
It's strange even though I carry such sadness inside.......... I can now be happy at the same time. I can laugh, talk and want to be around people. Everything ......... really is going to be .... alright. I have 'love bottled up inside'...... I will let it flow freely from each smile I smile, hopefully into any words that come out of my mouth (though I'm not perfect, I may say a choice word sometimes). I will just have to do it all in my 'Gloria way'... I think that'll work. :)))
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)