Monday, April 9, 2012




That aching hurt squeezing your heart, you feel breathless

Making it fill with such overwhelming grief from the darkness

Your eyes can't see for the blinding tears, hot.. scalding

Your body shudders with each sob you make, you can't breathe

You open your eyes and look toward Heaven, trying to see through the clouds

Oh God, please... please don't let me hurt so much, how can I bear this?

I don't question why took all my loved ones away

They're gone, I miss them.... I can't believe they are gone

Left with the memory of each and every one, I knew and loved them with my heart

My son, Tommy, my only child, I loved him with my very heart, my life... this death almost ... took my life... Tommy!

My mom, my beautiful mother, who tried so hard

My Grandma Alma, who was my second mother, my precious grandma

Igel, who was my friend, my second mother, taught me so much, I loved her, I see her blue, twinkling eyes and red hair... sunshine

My Grandmother Lola who also, tried to protect me

My father who was afraid to love me, or... maybe he hated me

My Aunt Patsy whom I loved with my heart, she died when I didn't know I was in the world... I was fighting for my own life then

My only grandfather I ever knew, George.. who loved everyone

My step-mother who manipulated, though I still cared for her

My cousin, Ray, who was my protector as a teenager

My cousin, Sylvia, whom I was so close to as a child

My Aunt Ruby who would come get me, save me as a young person

My Aunt Jeanette... I loved though... she was strange

My Aunt Frankie who told me as a child... when you get older you can choose what you want in your life

My friend, Cotton, whom I thought alot of

My friend, Earline

My friend, Bill

My systervan, Lena, in Sweden who meant so much to me

My systervan's husband, Hakan, friend

My brother, Rick-Rick, oh, my little brother Ricky

My Pups who lived long lives from 11-14 years old:

Miss Sadie Maye, mother Bassett Hound

Chadwick Elsworth, son Bassett Hound

Gloria's Garraway, father Bassett Hound

Fairchild, our Rottie

My cousin,Edward Lee, whom I loved and made laugh, he loved birds, he loved windchimes, his herb garden

My cousin, Jimmy, whom I loved no matter he hurt me through time, he cared even when he hurt me

The list goes on, and on... the pain, oh God... the pain makes it hard to go on, makes my mind blank... I can't remember anymore

Can you imagine losing so many loved ones in just a few years?

Can you imagine losing everything in a housefire... lucky to escape with your Pups, husband?

Can you imagine your husband out west in a tractor-trailer accident almost losing his life.... only to come home and almost lose it again when a woman ran a stop sign hitting him? Or a few weeks later on his way to physical therapy... a police chase (a bank robber) almost broadsided him as he went through stoplight only a little ways from the physical therapist office?

Can you imagine being diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, fighting the battle of your life only to begin battling again...

To go into congested heart failure, almost die again?

Battling again to help save your husband's life because he's been diagnosed with colon cancer? All in a matter of 3 years....

To lose the special bond with my grandson

To not have a bond with my granddaughter

To not ever know my grandchildren... I have let go, I have let go

The list goes on, and on.........

How have I kept from becoming bitter, angry, filled with rage in my heart?

Why do I still struggle to be a good person?

Why don't I just hate everyone, everything? Why don't I go outside and scream to the heavens above... God, why did you do this to me?

Why do I just sit here and weep silently inside, trying not to feel anger at anyone, anything... though I do feel some anger..

The pain, grief is bigger than I am... why don't I just split apart in agony?


I 'know' in my heart that ...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright. I know that no matter how many times I ask 'why'... I'm not going to get an answer

I 'know' that I have to accept, let go the things that try to torture, cause me pain 'inside'


I 'know' in my heart that...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright.

I don't know how I 'know'... but, I do. I don't know how I kept finding my way back each time I was thrown in that world of darkness... but, I do know... Skip, our Pups... kept pulling me back to 'now'

These are only a few of the things that have caused me such grief words can't even begin to express... there are so many more

I was sitting here thinking, trying to remember 'why' am I feeling so much pain, grief this weekend........ I think the holidays contributed

Subconsciously... I wonder if all the memories from the past are trying to compete with each other to come to the surface... and what happens is that there are so many memories through the years with each loved one..... it's impossible to remember consciously all of them... but, subconsciously do remember

The pain, the overwhelming grief.... to see me you would not know that you are looking at a human form... filled with such hurt, pain

I'm like a rag doll that's filled with soft, downy material.... only my filling is...... pure reality, pure grief, pure pain

How can I sit here and smile gently, feel calm again no matter my eyes are weak, burn from crying... how do I sit here no longer angry, mad at the world, no longer wanting to hate, to strike out in anger?

Because.... I 'know' in my heart that...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright. I just know somehow, some way everything is going to be alright.

I have a heart of gold, and there's lots of love in it... it's not filled with hate, bitterness... I know life is like this. I know that all taken away from me in my life doesn't usually happen in such numbers in the 'normal, everyday' person's life.

So far... I'm still going forward... I'm bearing it all... if you ever see sadness in my eyes just know ... it's okay... everything is going to be alright ... wait alittle bit, look again... you'll see a smile

I was thinking of something about God never giving one more than they can bear... I didn't know I could bear all of this... when Tommy died... I almost didn't

I found strength each time... I honestly didn't know I had. Where in the world did it come from? I'm so glad. I'm glad to be here in this world where though there's so much pain... I 'know' that everything ... really is going to be alright.







  1. Oh I can tell you how you go through all the grief you have been through. God has given you the strength to go through all that you have been through and will go through. Always remember: If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. We have to keep praying for each other. Prayers are a big help too! Love, Ms. Nancy

    1. Ms Nancy,
      All you say is true. I constantly 'help God help me' to come through it all.. I constantly struggle to 'do my part'. I've found strength each time that I never knew I had... I know it comes from God to hold me up as I 'find my legs'... again. Find them, I do... I keep getting back up because, I know somehow... everything really is going to be alright.

  2. Each time I read your story, I wish there is something I could say to make things better. To loose a love one, is one of the hardest experience any human can endure. Everyday is a day of hope that things will be better. God in his mysterious way gives us the strength to overcome the odds, making the pain better everyday. I wish you all the love, joy and peace...God knows the most inner longings of our heart...- Island traveler

    1. Island Traveler, thank-you for your caring words. The good thing is that everything 'is better now'... it's amazing.

      One wonders 'how things could be better' after losing a loved one? Somehow... it 'just happens'..... we constantly 'change' on the inside, time does play a big role.

      It's strange though... sometimes 'we come back to feeling that pain and grief' for a time ever so often... it's almost as bad as when it happened. Then... everything is alright... again.

      Your words meant alot to read... I felt them inside. :))) Everything is going to be alright... it always is...............