EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT... YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES aka GRANNY GEE
That aching hurt squeezing your heart, you feel breathless
Making it fill with such overwhelming grief from the darkness
Your eyes can't see for the blinding tears, hot.. scalding
Your body shudders with each sob you make, you can't breathe
You open your eyes and look toward Heaven, trying to see through the clouds
Oh God, please... please don't let me hurt so much, how can I bear this?
I don't question why ...you took all my loved ones away
They're gone, I miss them.... I can't believe they are gone
Left with the memory of each and every one, I knew and loved them with my heart
My son, Tommy, my only child, I loved him with my very heart, my life... this death almost ... took my life... Tommy!
My mom, my beautiful mother, who tried so hard
My Grandma Alma, who was my second mother, my precious grandma
Igel, who was my friend, my second mother, taught me so much, I loved her, I see her blue, twinkling eyes and red hair... sunshine
My Grandmother Lola who also, tried to protect me
My father who was afraid to love me, or... maybe he hated me
My Aunt Patsy whom I loved with my heart, she died when I didn't know I was in the world... I was fighting for my own life then
My only grandfather I ever knew, George.. who loved everyone
My step-mother who manipulated, though I still cared for her
My cousin, Ray, who was my protector as a teenager
My cousin, Sylvia, whom I was so close to as a child
My Aunt Ruby who would come get me, save me as a young person
My Aunt Jeanette... I loved though... she was strange
My Aunt Frankie who told me as a child... when you get older you can choose what you want in your life
My friend, Cotton, whom I thought alot of
My friend, Earline
My friend, Bill
My systervan, Lena, in Sweden who meant so much to me
My systervan's husband, Hakan, friend
My brother, Rick-Rick, oh, my little brother Ricky
My Pups who lived long lives from 11-14 years old:
Miss Sadie Maye, mother Bassett Hound
Chadwick Elsworth, son Bassett Hound
Gloria's Garraway, father Bassett Hound
Fairchild, our Rottie
My cousin,Edward Lee, whom I loved and made laugh, he loved birds, he loved windchimes, his herb garden
My cousin, Jimmy, whom I loved no matter he hurt me through time, he cared even when he hurt me
The list goes on, and on... the pain, oh God... the pain makes it hard to go on, makes my mind blank... I can't remember anymore
Can you imagine losing so many loved ones in just a few years?
Can you imagine losing everything in a housefire... lucky to escape with your Pups, husband?
Can you imagine your husband out west in a tractor-trailer accident almost losing his life.... only to come home and almost lose it again when a woman ran a stop sign hitting him? Or a few weeks later on his way to physical therapy... a police chase (a bank robber) almost broadsided him as he went through stoplight only a little ways from the physical therapist office?
Can you imagine being diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma, fighting the battle of your life only to begin battling again...
To go into congested heart failure, almost die again?
Battling again to help save your husband's life because he's been diagnosed with colon cancer? All in a matter of 3 years....
To lose the special bond with my grandson
To not have a bond with my granddaughter
To not ever know my grandchildren... I have let go, I have let go
The list goes on, and on.........
How have I kept from becoming bitter, angry, filled with rage in my heart?
Why do I still struggle to be a good person?
Why don't I just hate everyone, everything? Why don't I go outside and scream to the heavens above... God, why did you do this to me?
Why do I just sit here and weep silently inside, trying not to feel anger at anyone, anything... though I do feel some anger..
The pain, grief is bigger than I am... why don't I just split apart in agony?
I 'know' in my heart that ...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright. I know that no matter how many times I ask 'why'... I'm not going to get an answer
I 'know' that I have to accept, let go the things that try to torture, cause me pain 'inside'
I 'know' in my heart that...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright.
I don't know how I 'know'... but, I do. I don't know how I kept finding my way back each time I was thrown in that world of darkness... but, I do know... Skip, our Pups... kept pulling me back to 'now'
These are only a few of the things that have caused me such grief words can't even begin to express... there are so many more
I was sitting here thinking, trying to remember 'why' am I feeling so much pain, grief this weekend........ I think the holidays contributed
Subconsciously... I wonder if all the memories from the past are trying to compete with each other to come to the surface... and what happens is that there are so many memories through the years with each loved one..... it's impossible to remember consciously all of them... but, subconsciously ...you do remember
The pain, the overwhelming grief.... to see me you would not know that you are looking at a human form... filled with such hurt, pain
I'm like a rag doll that's filled with soft, downy material.... only my filling is...... pure reality, pure grief, pure pain
How can I sit here and smile gently, feel calm again no matter my eyes are weak, burn from crying... how do I sit here no longer angry, mad at the world, no longer wanting to hate, to strike out in anger?
Because.... I 'know' in my heart that...... somehow.... everything is going to be alright. I just know somehow, some way everything is going to be alright.
I have a heart of gold, and there's lots of love in it... it's not filled with hate, bitterness... I know life is like this. I know that all taken away from me in my life doesn't usually happen in such numbers in the 'normal, everyday' person's life.
So far... I'm still going forward... I'm bearing it all... if you ever see sadness in my eyes just know ... it's okay... everything is going to be alright ... wait alittle bit, look again... you'll see a smile
I was thinking of something about God never giving one more than they can bear... I didn't know I could bear all of this... when Tommy died... I almost didn't
I found strength each time... I honestly didn't know I had. Where in the world did it come from? I'm so glad. I'm glad to be here in this world where though there's so much pain... I 'know' that everything ... really is going to be alright.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)