Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Friday, April 27, 2012
'I ALWAYS THINK IT'S LIKE YESTERDAY THAT MY CHILD IS GONE'...
'I ALWAYS THINK IT'S LIKE YESTERDAY THAT MY CHILD IS GONE'...
BY GLORIA FAYE BROWN BATES/ aka GRANNY GEE
I've been sitting here with the tv turned off, listening to the sounds around me. I hear birds singing outside... inside I hear quietness, excepting for the movement of Kissy, our pup.
I've read, heard that when you write... make all quiet around you so, you can write freely, be inspired, thoughts will come naturally.
What is happening at the moment is that Kissy wonders what is wrong, starts making a little crying sound... then, wants to jump up on me to look in my face, make sure I'm okay.
Truthfully... I love peace and quiet but... not quite this much peace and quiet. I love to hear the tv or radio in the background. I usually 'watch' tv like I listen to radio... I listen, and only glance up occasionally if I 'hear' something that gets my attention.
Well... for the moment ... I need sound so, I will turn that tv back up. Sound is like 'colors' to me... they are all important... they stimulate, inspire, motivate one.
I wanted to sit here and think about 'the whys' of the more intense grief I've felt recently. Truthfully, if I try to look back to last year to 'see' if it was more so, the closer it got to the days in May when the anniversaries of my son, my brother died.... I can't remember as, I have to take one day at a time.
It happens 'before' I'm aware of what's happening... it's 'there' when I think I'm fine... it 'happens' out of the blue ... at any time. The feelings of overwhelming grief, pain.... the 'real, most deep pain that's always hidden'.
This sort of pain is the pain one doesn't speak of to others, this is the pain one can't 'just put into words and have someone lightly say some off- the- wall words to make all alright'. This sort of pain is the 'pain that is there in that darkness, that scary darkness I don't want any part of... this is the darkness one could become forever lost in'.
I've never heard anyone 'speak so deeply of the feelings I feel inside'... so, I know this must be the pain no one wants to talk about, put into words. Well, I am going to always try to bring words to describe 'how it really feels'... I believe in 'meeting my demons head-on, knock them out of my path so, that I can live'. I will have to keep battling with 'this one'... this is my child, my baby, a part of 'me'...... so, I 'feel this as deep as it can possibly be'... because this is 'mine'.
This pain really is one that I'm afraid of... this pain is so serious... no matter what 'so far'... no one can say words to ease 'this pain'. So far, I haven't heard anything on how to for-real handle, cope with 'this pain'. I've got to learn on my own... just as I had to learn that I could survive from cancer and didn't know how to go about it...I had to learn on my own. I know medicines make all the difference.... but, the biggest difference is 'inside' one where you 'have to decide you want to live, fight, and mean to win'.
I'm thinking there are other mothers 'out there' who are going through this at the same stage I'm at, still going through it even if it's been longer for them. I just wonder 'why' I've never found anything to read on 'this kind of pain'. Is it too uncomfortable to write about, to read about... is it too scary to think about... because it can really happen to you, too? I think it's a combination of the above... and more things.
If it's like 'how I used to be'... maybe a mother is afraid to even for one second think about her child 'being gone'... afraid that it could 'hex' them and something happen. It's a scary thought... a for-real scary thought. This is a 'thought that actually could bring a mother to her knees'... if it really happened......... it forever does something to that mother... things no one can see, know about, imagine unless... that mother begins to tell people. I'm going to tell you like it is.... I'm not afraid to.
I won't talk to you in person, I don't enjoy talking about what I've written unless it's funny... then, I can talk to you in person. :))) I'm not going to talk about my deepest feelings, thoughts I write about... I can only write in words about them... and go on from there... 'leaving them behind me'. I try to leave them in the past .... sometimes they won't stay there... thoughts, thinking... one always does it.
I think what bothers me most is that when I begin to feel overwhelmed by this 'other pain one doesn't want to acknowledge', this grief that one doesn't want to talk of..... I think it's the fear of 'being too close to 'that' darkness' again. This is the darkness... 'The End' kind of darkness that could suck one in, they forever become lost in it.
These grief feelings I'm experiencing lately are the 'scary' kind. It's like I described to you about the other day ... when I realized I had begun speeding when driving.... you don't know you are doing this at first ... because in your mind you are trying to outrun those thoughts, feelings. It's afterwards when you look down and see.... the speedometer... 'you see how fast you were running to flee those thoughts, the darkness'.
I 'look back' to the other day, I can see, feel in my mind how tightly my hands were holding the steering wheel, how my heart beat fast in my chest, how I wanted to just scream to heaven to just give me my son back, just please give him back to me. I felt so frantic, so afraid... I couldn't run away from my feelings... I slowed down. I couldn't just go unconscious so, I wouldn't think anymore... I held my ground, straightened my back and no matter how it's been hurting me since... I'm not going to give in.
I've been trying so hard to think of words to tell you what it's like... two years (May 29th) after one's child, my child.... is gone. I can go on living and even ... feel happiness again, smile again, look forward to things again... but, there are those times this happens... again.. and again.. and again. I wonder if it ever stops... somehow I think in a mother's mind 'it's always yesterday that her child is gone'.
As a mother I can go for a time now, and live normal until 'this kind of grief rises out from that darkness to reach out to me'... to threaten my world of 'everything is alright'. This is the 'enemy', this is the real enemy because to a mother always trying to keep the pain in check, hidden from others so as not to hurt them... it's easy to overwhelm her.
This is the pain that's always there, this is the pain no one speaks of, this is the 'real pain' one keeps pushed deeply inside because... 'it's alway yesterday that my child is gone'... in my mind. This is that raw, tearing pain that doesn't go away... this is what mothers try to keep pushed so far down so, that they can live to be with the ones who love and want them... if she had no one like that... this is the pain that a mother would 'almost succumb' to. I'm speaking for myself... this I know from my own life, this I know firsthand.
In a mother's mind, my mind.... it's always like yesterday that my child is gone'... this is 'why' that scary pain can hurt me so badly... because in my mind... it's still 'not long ago'... it's like it happened 'yesterday'.
I remember a woman telling Skip ... I was sitting there in shock in my own world... when I heard her say .... 'oh, she'll be alright in a couple of weeks'! I remember looking out at her through the darkness I was sinking into, the sea of grief........... wondering how she could say such a thing. This... I never forgot........ I've never liked her since, and lost any respect for her that I had...... this woman was a professional in the medical field.
I wonder how many people she said this to, and if their families began to tell the mother ...'well, you are supposed to be alright in two weeks after your child has died, what's wrong with you'? I have noticed in the months afterwards... that ...that professional is no longer at the job she held.
How could I tell you, as a grieving mother, that you are going to be alright in 2 weeks? Especially when 2 years later I always think it's like yesterday that my child is gone... that's 'why' it still hurts... so badly.