Tuesday, April 3, 2012




Does that depress you? Does it pull you down? I was thinking that sad stuff would make you become depressed.

I was reading to Skip what I wrote tonight.... 'I HAVEN'T BEEN 'THERE'... YET. Skip worries that I could go back into a depression, back to the dark world... he helped to guide me from. He is afraid that I will begin crying... because he says 'I've seen you like that'. He can't bear for me to cry, to be sad... though he understands, cares.

I told Skip that now... that I write, I can get things out in a 'good' way. I can see things out in the light... when they are 'out'... they aren't trapped in darkness... I'm not trapped in darkness. I can stay on my path as long as there is .... light... on it.

Sunshine, light... in all the dark places of my mind... as long as I can see my way, I won't become lost. Imagine in your home... the little nightlights you have here and there to light your way when you get up during the night. In my mind I 'have little nightlights everywhere'. I am afraid of the dark, I have always been afraid... of the dark.

I think light feels ... safe. As long as one can see what's around them... what's ahead, what's behind, beside... them. Light naturally makes one feel better. Safer.

You know how in the winter months when we don't have as much light... it affects one... it affects me. Not having light is like... turning a switch off in one's mind. I know... I had to find my 'switch' in all that darkness. Without guidance... I may have still been in the dark to this day. If it hadn't been for Skip... there would have been no one there to ... call me back. I would have 'existed until... I died'... I couldn't help myself.

Depression is what people call it... I call it the 'purest grief' ever. The 'purest soul pain' there is... pain like you've never experienced in your life... until your child dies. You can't even bear to imagine such... if you even begin to try... your mind closes up... it can't bear the thought of such ever happening. Your mind screams silently... 'I can't take it!'

So, you see just even the thought 'is too much'... you can't imagine 'if it really happens to you, how it really feels'. I hope you never do... 'it's more than too much'. No parent ever hopes to 'outlive' their children, especially an only child. It 'ends everything'... it severs any link to grandchildren from that child when no one cares deeply about such things in today's time.

This adds even more pain to a parent's grief, the grief of knowing all ties are cut. Everything changes, people become different from the people you once knew. They were like that all along.

What does one do? The best they can... they go forward... in my situation that's what I do. I don't fight what I can't change, if love and caring doesn't come freely... you have to let go. Sometimes relationships suffer a permanent break... too much has happened, people become unimportant. People have done and said 'too much', too much has been learned that was unknown... all the special feelings 'disappear'.

No longer is there a permanent foundation to build on... the house will fall down, any little storm will just topple it over. People, relationships are like that. Let go... let go.

Tonight I have realized .... 'why'... I am thinking of Tommy so much today. Tommy had a nervous breakdown on April 1st, he came home from his trucking job that day in 2010. He couldn't bear living with knowing a man died... that man stepped out in front of his big truck in May of 2009. Tommy never got over it.

Tommy came home on April 01, 2010... he talked to me throughout that day on his cellphone. He died on May 29, 2010. That man who stepped out in front of his big truck died on May 19, 2009.

My son came home, he must have known, he must have been so afraid... he went through so much in that short time. He was haunted by what his mind saw constantly day after day, night after night in his rearview mirror, 'there' on the highway... he kept reliving it. Surviver's guilt is what the doctor called it. It was the beginning of the end... for my son, my child. He couldn't bear to even look at the color ...'red'.

Have you ever heard your big, strong son cry their heart out to you? Have you ever been helpless to help your child? Have you ever tried to get your child to come home to you, where you could love and protect them... give them a place to rest their head... in peace? Rest their mind? Where it's quiet, a place he loved to come to?

At this moment... I feel such pain and anger. At this moment... I feel calm and sad. I know too much that causes me such grief, that I won't put into words... for now. One day when I'm stronger... I will.

I feel grief for many things that led up to my son's death, I was grieving for him 'before' he died. That awful accident forever changed my son, he died inside when that man stepped out in front of his truck.

His company forced him to come to stay in a motel room alone, no one there to comfort him... to use their doctor to get help... taking him away from his family, the people who wanted to be there for him. It was legal, it was in another state far from his home, his family. To keep his job, his insurance, benefits... he had to do it... their way.

When Tommy had the breakdown, the company was going to make him come back to stay an indefinite time at their motel, use their doctors... again.... to keep his job. I feel anger inside because of all the time he had to be at their motel, see their doctor... all alone... to keep his job just after that accident... they wanted him to do it again. No one cared there, the company was looking after itself. Tommy went through all of this... alone.

Now... I know 'why'... Tommy has been on my mind so strongly. Last night it began as a dream... I dreamed that I went back home to the mountains... I'd left a notebook in the huge garage there. It was dark in that garage, I was afraid to walk inside that huge, dark place.

Instead, I drove inside trying to get close enough to step out and get that notebook off the long countertop... I stepped outside the car and ran to get the notebook... I heard something 'over there'! I was terrified, I ran back and jumped inside the car....

I tried to make the car go... the key was broken somehow, making it hard for me drive out! All of a sudden... Tommy was beside me in the seat, he reached over and put his hand on that broken key... the car was moving forward! I was back out in the light again, I was safe... I woke up with Tommy on my mind, and it's been like that... all day.

The light... back in the light... safety. Tommy 'saved' me from that darkness in that garage... where I was so afraid. Isn't that a strange dream? Light... just like colors... mean the world to me. Light is... safety. Colors are... happy.




  1. At times like this my heart aches for you. Because of what you have been through, I am so sorry that you have to go through this kind of pain. It does seem to make it a dark day. Your son Tommy will never have to go through any kind of pain anymore. It does make one's heart hurt to know their child (grown or not) is going through a very bad time and you know you can't do anything to help them except just be there for them. I know you loved your son with all of your being. I do know what it is like to be scared of the dark. I too am afraid of the dark myself. I do have night lights all throughout my house! I am here for you should you need me for anything. Love, Ms. Nancy

  2. I wish I can say more to ease the pain you go through everyday. But I do admire your determination to seek the light, to live your life with new hope. To open up and share to others that they are not alone. I pray for your strength. I wish you all the blessings in life. Take care.- island traveler