MY LITTLE BROTHER... RICK-RICK
I sit here and 'let all my loved ones' come to my mind. I can't believe that every close family member that I truly loved has died. I just can't believe it... I just can't believe it.
My son, my mother, my little brother... that's just the beginning of the list. I just can't believe it.
I think back to the days my little brother Rick-Rick used to work on my car to keep it going for me. I remember in the dead of winter he would hurt his hands working on the motor, I saw them bleed. My heart would hurt, and I appreciated so much all he did for me. He never charged me for all he did.
My little brother... I loved you with my heart. You were always 'there' for me. I loved seeing you smile with your blue, blue eyes, seeing you get surprised. It was always fun to see you get tickled at something, tell something funny. You always came up with funny things... you always quoted the 'cable guy'...
You always loved steak, grilled chicken.... You loved going to the beach, you liked fast cars. Ricky, you had a big heart. I miss you so much. I always hurt so much when you went through so much. I always worried about you. No one can hurt you now.
I have your ashes in the special decorative chest, along with photos, your hat, some of your things. It didn't seem to be much left of your life when you left... you didn't leave alot behind.
I look in my mind for a moment and see you standing there crying for me when our house was burning down... I was seeing you through eyes of shock, but, I saw you... you hurt for me. You were one of the very few of my 'family' to come. I think you were one of maybe six 'family' members... I had alot that lived close by... they just drove by on their merry way.
Some even waved, blowing their horn while I looked with eyes of shock, pain, grief back at them. It was the same thing when I almost died of cancer. I wish them all love, and the best of everything... no hard feelings toward you. I 'know why' you all are like that... we all were 'born that way'.
My little brother, Rick-Rick ... loved me, he knew his sister loved him. I was thankful for him. In the three months prior to his death, we tried so hard to help him... for that 3 months he got to 'see how good it felt to feel good again'... these were his very words. He looked good, too... until that last evening I got to spend that short time with him... I saw that 'soft gray' on his face sitting there in Wendy's.
Ricky came to the hospital in Raleigh to see me ... no one else came. It seems I remember seeing his eyes full of tears, and that he quietly left. I was too ill to speak.
I remember the motorcycle wreck Ricky was in... I wasn't working at the ER that night but, I was the following day when he came in. He couldn't breathe and he was in pain... x-rays showed he had a collapsed lung. I remember the doctor who was a friend of mine tell me to go outside of the ER, because he was going to put a breathing tube in. I heard Ricky cry out... when I came back, I could see the pain in his eyes and him saying 'that hurt, that hurt so bad'. He was trying hard not to cry.
I can't even begin to express in words the grief, pain in my heart for my little brother... so much was against him from the time he was born until he died. For now, that's all I can bear to write about... it hurts me ...to my very heart.
Rest in peace... my little brother, Rick-Rick. I loved you with my heart.
Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)