Tuesday, May 29, 2012




MAY 29, 2012

Two years ago today... May 29, 2010 on a Saturday evening... my son, Tommy died while running and playing with his three year old son on the beach. They had just gotten there safely ... while Taban's mother, and the rest of the family were putting their luggage into the rooms... Tommy and Taban disappeared without telling anyone... to go down to the beach in front of the big hotel they were staying in.

Shortly before they got there... Tommy called me to say 'Mama, we are almost there.' He told me he would call back later, and that he would send me pictures from his cellphone of Taban playing on the beach. He did get to send several photos and one video to my computer... his cellphone fell to the sand... when he collapsed. Two blockages to his heart... no one knew.

Tommy almost didn't go to the beach but, for some reason instead of staying home, he became happy about spending his first time playing on the beach with his son. Unknowingly, he barely made it there in time... he only got to play for a short time... Tommy had another trip he had to leave on... Tommy walked into Heaven from playing with Taban. He had kept his promise to his little boy.

Not even an hour later after he'd called to say they were almost there... the house phone rang. I looked at the caller ID, it showed Tommy was calling. I smiled as I answered it.

'Ma 'am, I have a man collapsed here on the beach, he's not breathing'! I'm not sure if I heard, I'm sure I did ... but, my mind was blocking what he was saying. 'Why are you on my son's cellphone'? The man repeated what he said... after that I must have heard him... my world began to darken... it would stay like that for almost these two years.

Today, I was standing outside talking to a friend of ours... we were talking about today being the day that Tommy... died at the ocean.

My cellphone rang, I saw on the caller ID that it was Skip calling. I smiled as I answered it with the bluetooth on my head (I like that thing!)... I'm like Tommy was... I love gadgets and toys. :)))

I heard Spanish voices in the background, while someone was talking in Spanish... I was trying to answer and I felt myself begin to feel afraid. I didn't realize it but... again... I was crying. I just 'knew something had happened to Skip... how did those Spanish people have his cellphone if something hadn't happened!?

I wanted to know where Skip was, what was wrong. I looked at our friend who was alarmed. Inside I hated that I was being upset in front of him. I was crying, I was embarassed to be seen doing that. I couldn't understand the person speaking. Then, I didn't care... I was afraid something had happened to the only person I have left in this world whom I love with my very heart, soul.

I pressed the key to end the call, I began calling Skip's cellphone. I was frantic... I was thinking of another time, another place when the caller ID showed the name of the person I loved with my heart... when I answered to hear a strange voice. Something has happened to Skip! Oh my God! It's just like when Tommy died... today is the anniversary of Tommy's death.

I can't describe to you how I felt... it was like my mind was a bird trapped in a cage, beating its wings to get out. The cellphone kept ringing, no answer. I kept repeating my call..... until....

His cellphone was answered by..... him! 'Oh Skip, you are alright!' I was smiling and so, so happy! Skip's voice was strong... and guess what? There wasn't anything wrong with him! He, then......told me something strange.....

'Just before I got him on the cellphone.... he had just tried to call me.... and he got Spanish voices, instead of me'!!!

We couldn't understand what had happened. I told Skip of all days this was just too strange, it did upset me so much. When I knew Skip was alright... I was alright!

My world didn't turn upside down... at one moment it seemed it would! :))) Everything's all right... guess who is so thankful with her very heart? Yes, you are right.... Granny Gee/Gloria... me! :)))

I just felt tears come into my eyes, my heart felt like it 'squeezed a hug' inside my chest... tonight I write with alot of happiness in my soul, my very being. My life could have been turned upside down again on the eve of my son's death.... sending me into darkness...

Deja vu.... it seems somehow the happiness I felt when knowing Skip was alright... leveled the pain inside me enough today for ... me to be alright. Isn't it so strange? Deja vu............




She sat there, the light seemed dim. Am I alright she wondered? She felt light-headed, weak. Suppose I'm dying and no one knows?

She imagined her cell phone ringing, all the while she lay near it not able to answer it. She wanted to reach for it, she didn't have the strength.

Her head felt strange, her eyes were open, she felt the need to close them. She did close them gently and sank into the cocoon of soft ... clouds in her mind. Oh, how so nice, she thought.

She felt herself become strong again, opened her eyes. Try to move, get up..... from the floor she reached for the chair. Moving her arm, touching the chair she felt hope... I'm not dying. Her head hurt.

She pulled herself up, she sat on her knees for a moment to rest. Her head rested on her chest, eyes closed. I feel so weak, she thought.

She began pulling herself up to her feet, held onto the chair until she felt stable enough to sit down. Her head felt strange, she felt faint again.

Do I need to call 911, she wondered? How do I know when I should call 911? Maybe it's all my imagination, I could be causing such a fuss for no reason.

She sat there, laid her head on her arms on the table close by. I feel so bad, I feel like sleeping. Suppose I did sleep .. forever? She kept her eyes open... she no longer wanted to go to sleep.

Feel better! Feel better! She did close her eyes, she felt such fatigue. She relaxed into the soft cocoon of clouds.. she began to breathe softly.. she had gone to sleep.

She awoke some time later...she looked around before moving her head. I didn't die so, why did I feel so bad?

Her next thought was.... how do I know when to call 911?


This is based on an actual experience I had some time ago when home alone... I didn't fall to the floor though! Imagination put that there.

Also, some years ago I went into congested heart failure... there weren't any noticeable symptoms (but, looking back I did have a little cough that I thought was allergy-related....... at the rescue building the guy heard the cough, felt my ankles and immediately went into action). The next thing I know was panicking... I couldn't breathe... I began fighting to breathe.

I couldn't see but, I could hear the siren as the rescue vehicle raced to the hospital. I remember Randy, I knew him from working at the hospital... he was on the EMS. I remember seeing him and he told me as I fought to breathe ... everything's going to be alright... he asked me if I wanted to hold his hand (something I did a 'million' times to patients when I worked at the hospital emergency room registering patients). I tried to hold it, I have always hoped I didn't hurt his hand because I entered another path in my life... the Struggle To Live path. Thankfully ... I am here ... I did win. Thank- you, Randy if you ever have occasion to read this.... I hope I didn't hurt your hand... I couldn't breathe and forgot it was there.

I can't help but, to think of all the times when I've been deathly ill... of all the hands that reached out for my hand to comfort, help me. I think of all the kind people, words that were said to me over and over every time I've been hospitalized, or in treatment, doctor visits. I really believe it 'came back to me from all the times I reached out in my years working around sick people'... I really believe if you do good, it comes back. In my case, I felt (so did Skip)... that angels had been placed on my path to help me as I went slowly along it. I was amazed at the compassion I saw in their eyes...

I was touched by nurses, some of my doctors down to the housekeeping staff .... as sick as I was... sometimes I reached out to comfort them... when they cried for me... strangely enough some of my caretakers did cry. 'Who am I'? Yes, I was amazed that strangers 'cried for me'....... my heart could feel that love when I was the weakest in my life, the closest to dying. To this day I wonder this... 'who in the world was I.... for people to care about me like that'?

Then... I remembered when I worked around patients... I would cry silent tears for them because I care so , so much for what they were experiencing, what their bodies went/was going through to be brought to the emergency room. All I saw there... made a lasting impression on me to this day. It's so strange when I look back... I got to 'see how it felt to be treated' like I treated other people when I worked at the hospital. I think it wise to remember that how you treat others 'comes back to you'... it did tenfold to me.

I have felt like the above... always wonder 'is this my imagination'? The night I went into congestive heart failure... I also, wondered... I had nothing to go on to tell me I was going to die... excepting a calm feeling came over me, a 'voice' telling me this... 'if I don't get to the hospital, I'm going to die'. It was that calm, and 'it was my voice telling me that'. How did I 'know'? How did I 'know' I was going to die?

It was only minutes later, I was fighting for my life. I pay close attention to feeling like the above story I wrote... but, then... again, how do I know when to call 911?

Sunday, May 27, 2012




TO MY GRANDSON, TABAN, TO READ SOMEDAY.... Your daddy loved you with his heart, he wouldn't have left you by choice. You can be sure all your life you were loved by him. You will see in the photos at the pride and love on his face when you were born. He would laugh when he'd call me up from the road... he would say 'Mama, do you want to know what grandson has done (or said)?' I would smile knowing he was going to tell me something funny. You have such a outgoing, happy personality. I loved watching you, playing with you when Tommy was here... when he left, it all changed. Life happens like this... but, one day I hope to hear your voice calling to me again... 'Granny Gee, Granny Gee'! Your daddy picked that name for me, for you to call his mother... it is a special name... I honor that name as I write. How precious you are, my grandson. I love you with my heart. Love, Granny Gee :)))


TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER, MCKENZIE TO READ SOMEDAY... Your daddy loved you with his heart, he fought for the right to see you, spending lots of money. No matter which way he turned, obstacles were placed in his path. You can also, see in the photos how your daddy smiled down at you with pride and such love when you were born. Every week he sent money to support you ($100.00 faithfully) when no one told him to ... all those years. He kept health/medical insurance on you all those years, too. Yes, McKenzie, your daddy loved you very much. I love you very much, too. I'll never forget the day we walked on the road ... I loved talking to you, hearing your voice. We had been painting in my art room... you painted a picture for me. I had hoped so much to have a wonderful granddaughter/grandmother relationship with you. I'm so sorry it never happened. Life happens that way... I know how I grew up. It can be so sad.. yet, so wonderful, beautiful. I love you, McKenzie. Love, Granny Gee :)))


TO BOTH OF MY GRANDCHILDREN: I love you both more than you'll ever know. I won't interfere in your lives now, to cause extra grief, anger or hate. I don't live like that, I live a very quiet life. That doesn't mean I don't love you... when you grow up you will see that your grandmother respected and cared enough not to cause turmoil in your lives. I will love you from afar... I've grown up loving like that... now 'I see why'. It was to get me used to losing everyone who meant the world to me in my life. It still hurts .... You both look so much like your handsome daddy, you both have that wonderful, sunshine smile of his... you both have that wonderful sense of humour he had... your personalities are as endearing as his. I love you both with my grandmother heart. You will know one day when you read your grandmother's colors of her life. You both are somebody to me... you are part of my son... part of me. Love, Granny Gee :)))


He looked down below to where his body lay

'Daddy, get up'... he heard the little boy say...

'Are you playing, Daddy, why do you lay on the sand'?

The little boy stooped down to shake his shoulder with his little hand...

'Won't you get up, Daddy, come play with me'?

'Let's play, Daddy, let's run by the sea'...

The little boy began crying

his Daddy wouldn't wake up, though in his mind he was trying...

I'm looking down at you, my precious son

protecting you until the angels nearby come to protect you my little one...

I made it here in time to keep my promise to you

somehow, I must have 'known' I had to go away, instead of taking one trip... I'm taking 'two'....

The group of angels, a family who watched nearby

Came running with a cry...

We have to watch over this little boy

His daddy's collapsed here on the sand... just before he was running with the little boy with such ... joy.

One of the angels began talking gently to the child

Little one, your mommy will be here in a little while

The man angel picked up the cell phone that had fallen to the ground

He pressed the button to listen for a sound

The mother answered the phone, seeing on the caller ID

It was her son calling so soon again, she was smiling you see...

She was so happy that her son, and his family had made it safely .. this was Memorial Day holiday weekend

She was looking forward to seeing the photos on her computer that her son would soon send.....

She was smiling as she picked 'that phone' up to speak to her son

The smile fell to the floor, shattering into a million pieces as she softly said 'Skip, help me, help me someone'....

'Ma 'am, I have a collapsed man here on the beach, he's not breathing', the man said in her ear

'Why do you have my son's phone'? She said to him... because she didn't want to hear....

'He's not breathing', the man said again. He's laying here on the sand

She stood in pure shock as Skip took the phone from her hand

Darkness... instantly the mother was thrown into the darkest of dark, went with a smile...

As it fell to the floor around her, she was thrown into a journey of her own... she may or may not.. come back after a while.....

Her mind was like a trapped bird, frantically beating against the walls of her head...

Oh my God, did that man just say my son is.... dead!?

Bits and pieces here and there, thoughts... memories flitted through her mind... she was gone

Into the darkness, into a scary world where she had to walk all alone....

She went dark... she was darkness... she lived in darkness for quite some time... until one day

'Gloria, Baby Girl, come back... the Pups and I need you', she heard Skip say...

She began climbing, crawling toward the light his voice made

The pain was unlike any she ever experienced as she kept thinking of the sand... where her dying son... laid..

She fought hard to see the light

It took so long... many days and many months... when she did... it was a welcomed sight

She opened her eyes, they felt as if she'd lived in a cave

It was hard to keep them open, hard to know how to behave

Granny Gee went away, didn't know if she would ever come back, you see

She finally did with Skip and her Pups leading her out of the dark path... the one she went down when learning her son died... lying on the sand ..by the sea

By the sea, where he hurried to play with a little boy

who was his son.... they played like it was their last time with such joy...

'Daddy, won't you get up and play with me'? little Taban said that day...

He didn't know... that his daddy had went away

Taban will grow up with the memory that his daddy loved him

That if he'd had a choice, he'd still be with them...

Taban will know his daddy hurried to get to the beach to play, run

With his little son before he had to 'go again'... he got there in time to have fun

To squeal with joy as he shared his last moments, he got there just in time to play

For the first and last time with Taban at the beach... on that day.

Tommy died with 2 blockages in his heart on May 29, 2010 on Saturday evening at Myrtle Beach, on the sand...

Taban tried to wake him up, shaking his shoulder with his little hand...

'Daddy, won't you get up and come play'?

Never knowing his young life was changed forever... that day....




I wonder if he felt the slightest twinge in his chest

Ignored it... thinking it was part of the past year's stress

One second, he was playing with his little child

When it happened quickly, instead of taking a long while

Tommy was gone in the blink of an eye

He didn't have time to tell Taban goodbye

He left his body there on the sand as his soul soared above

I know he looked down at his little son with... undying love

'Come home, Tommy', the sea gulls sang, it's time to go home

Look around ..your little son's not alone

angels are near by.. they are the people in that group you see

People who were meant to be there... believes Granny Gee


I am 'writing it out' until... I can write no more. Until I reach a point that I am tired ... then, I will rest my fingers, my mind.

I'm having my '15 minutes of crying time'... I was told this once by a nurse when I was in chemotherapy treatment. I'd just learned I had cancer, non-Hodgkins lymphoma, I was crying softly so as not to disturb anyone... truthfully, I was too sick to cry aloud.

15 minutes, she said. Allow yourself 15 minutes to cry... then... STOP! Wait for a while and if need be... cry only 15 minutes at a time... do this repeatedly. I'm having my '15 minutes' to cry at this time. Over time one becomes so tired, worn out from crying... that they begin to forget to cry... they begin to live again... even though at that time they aren't aware of it.

The strange thing is... before May (yes, the month of May... again)... before May 16, 1998... I didn't cry very often. Since then... 'it's been one tear after the other'.......

No one can understand this unless... they've experienced something very traumatic, very life-altering. They think they do... they don't. How can they... they've never walked in those shoes to ... really 'know'. How can someone who is 'so innocent, so unknowing'... recognize the signs, the pain if they aren't aware of what it is they're looking for?

I feel such fatigue now... I 'm tired of crying. I am tired of being sad each day. I think when I sleep tonight... tomorrow will be a brighter day. I feel it's time now...to move forward. I wanted to move forward before...

Thankfully... I have here to go to write all that would surely overwhelm me if I didn't write. Thankfully... I don't have to put in words to ... talk and tell someone that I am hurting this much. I don't have to upset or worry anyone by writing... if you read this... you can read and see that I'm alright... and you are seeing me work through my pain. I know no other way... I would never sit and talk to anyone about it. I'm a good listener, but, not one to sit and 'just talk' about such serious things.

I don't upset Skip, nor anyone who knows me. I can just stop any moment during writing... wait to come back later to finish when I'm ready to. After a time ... I'm alright again. I can breathe better, feel 'freer'.... though I feel ... tired.

'Inside' of me... I've held my whole life-long story that I've never spoke of to anyone... I haven't begun to write yet. I have to write for now... all that has hurt and affected me, altered my life in the past 12 years. For 'now'... this is all I know best... all that has brought me to 'now'... to being 'me'... then, to being Granny Gee. See... my life started over on July 16th, 1998 when surgery saved my life... I would have died then.

My life began over once again when I went into congestive heart failure... when I come back to being conscious... the doctor was ready to put me on a ventilator.

How fortunate I am to be here. I have so much to be thankful for... as well as all the sad things in my life. Who am I to complain? I have to be strong because I may not have been here for Tommy all those years... he needed both Skip and I ... he would have had no one to depend on who loved him as much as we did. I'm glad I was here until that ... evening when the sea gulls called to him. I'm glad he had Skip in his life... they were more close than I can say.

I will rest my mind now, my hands. I have written so much in the past week. The fuel pushing me to write has been wanting Tommy to never be forgotten... to always remember him... the fuel being 'one tear after the other'... inside my heart. I am very tired now. I'm going to rest now.

Friday, May 25, 2012




Footprints in the sand... side by side

running this way, that way.. later to be washed away by the tide

A little boy, a big guy ran playing with exhilarating joy

Squealing, laughing... this big guy with his little boy

Put your toes in the water, let the waves wash over them

I'm afraid, the little boy said... I'll protect you, the big guy told him

That's what daddys are for... to protect and love

Taban, I don't have time to say goodbye... I'm being called from.. above

There are angels close by, angels to protect you until mommy comes

I meant to be here with you, to play with you my precious son

Hey... the sea gulls are calling my name... 'Tommy, come home'

Oh Taban, I don't want to leave you here all alone

A little boy stood alone on the sand

by the body of his father, a big guy.. a big man

Daddy, are you playing? Daddy, get up, let's run and play

Come on, Daddy... the little boy doesn't know ..yet.. his daddy's gone away

The group of people who'd been watching them near by

Came as the sea gulls told Tommy with their cries

These people, the angels will watch over Taban, it's time to go

One day Taban will know you wanted to say goodbye, he'll know

That there wasn't time to, the sea gulls needed you to fly

To go home now... in peace your body lies

On that beautiful sand by the sea

The sea gulls took Tommy home, you see

They left Tommy's discarded body there, while his soul flew

Somehow he made it in time to play with Taban, somehow.. I think he 'knew'

It was time to go home, for his spirit to soar up to heaven above

leaving with his little son... all of his love

Come fly with us, Tommy... let your spirit soar with joy

The angels will protect your little boy

Come home, Tommy.. the sea gulls said

Everything will be alright in time, though for now.. your loved ones will be sad

Tommy left... looking down he could see the footprints side by side

Soon... they'd be washed out to sea... the little guy and big guy's footprints, by the evening tide

Goodbye Daddy, Goodbye Husband, Goodbye Son

Goodbye Special Person from ... everyone

Footprints in the sand, side by side

Later that evening ...they were washed away ... by the tide















This painting was done recently by my first cousin, Linda Ivie. She was thinking of Tommy during the time she painted it. Tommy died at the beautiful ocean where the waves were breaking, running and playing with his three year old son, Taban.

Can you see it? A little blonde-haired boy with blue sparkling eyes and a tall, big blonde haired guy with blue sparkling eyes, so much alike.... their footprints in the sand.... where one went, the other went. Running footprints, walking footprints, standing footprints as they stood to admire the sea.

Happy footprints as they ran feeling the breeze, the dampness of the ocean spray as it touched their faces... their faces that held happy smiles of joy.

When you go to the beach, please think of my son... help me to remember him with your thoughts... look out over the ocean and send thoughts of Tommy... let the whole world know his mother loved him, so.. he won't be forgotten.

Father and Son... sharing a 'last moment'... a father who kept 'his last promise' to his little boy... a father who left a legacy, a most precious memory of him... to his little son to hold, treasure in his heart 'forever'.

Can you hear the happy squeals of a little boy running to touch the water with his little toes.... as it came flowing into shore... his daddy telling him to get his feet wet!

Look at the ocean, son! I'm sure that Taban would run back! then, run forward to the water... amazed at the movement, at such a large body of water with waves!

A big guy... a little guy... both running along the shore as the waves came in... both squealing, laughing with pure joy, pure abandonment... Tommy was a child, too.... running with his little boy. I 'know' this.... I knew Tommy... I 'knew my son'.

Tommy ran, walked into heaven straight from keeping his last promise to Taban.. I don't think he had a chance to say 'goodbye son'.

Tommy did make it in time though, to play with his little son for the first time... and his 'last' time... Tommy did exactly what he meant to do.

He collapsed on that sand... his body wasn't needed anymore... his soul soared to heaven with such joy... he flew with the sea gulls ... now, they were calling his name... telling him to come fly with them now... it's 'time to go home'.....

There are angels below to watch over Taban until his mommy can come, to let everyone know. Come home, Tommy, rest your weary soul, come home now... where you can find peace. You've suffered enough here on earth. Come home, Tommy... come home.

When he died, he was hearing the sound of the waves, the sea gulls calling to each other, and the precious sound of his child's voice. Thank God for the group of angels nearby... they stepped into Taban's life for a brief moment to protect him until his mommy could know where he was.

You see, Tommy made it in time to play with Taban on the beach for his first time, his last time. He and Taban disappeared and went down to the sand while everyone else was unpacking in their rooms... no one knew.

Did Tommy 'know'... did he sense that he needed to 'hurry up' to get down to the beach 'in time' ... to play with his little precious son? Did he sense an urgency? He made it there in time... to keep his last promise to a little three year old boy whom he loved with his very heart... a little boy who thought his daddy was 'a special somebody'... his 'big daddy'.

I asked Linda if I could put her painting here on my blog to remember Tommy this weekend... the anniversary of his death... at the ocean... Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

She didn't mind at all. Thank-you, Linda. I love your special painting. I'm honored to use your painting here of the ocean to remember Tommy. I think it most special that it's painted by ... Tommy's cousin, too.

Linda, you are painting now... as a little girl I remember how you could draw a better girl than I could.... I think maybe I was a little envious 'back then'..... :))) I love your paintings and 'knew' you could be an artist. I have great respect for your beautiful work.

I love you, Son. I miss you with my very heart. This is to remember you by.

Tommy Mitchell Sidden

November 20, 1969.......... May 29, 2010

I send my love to you in Heaven. I will never forget you, Son. I've never in my life cried so many tears as I have since the day you left. I never knew one person could cry so much. But... I have never lost a child, so... how could I know such? Tommy, I love you... From your Mommy

(In my mind I hear Tommy as a little boy when he used to laugh with a mischievious twinkle in his beautiful blue eyes.... 'my name is Tommy and I want my Mommy'! I hear this... he loved saying it because it rhymed, he loved saying it... because it made me... smile.

I miss you my little son who grew up to be a big son... I knew you loved me with your heart... you knew your Mama loved you with her very heart. Remember how I used to laugh and say 'Son, your Ole Mom loves you'!

You and Lena are 'why' I write.... I wrote for 12 years to her, as she did me. We wrote, emailed every day many times a day sometimes.... I couldn't stop writing when she died... my special systervan in Sweden, she meant the world to me. I remember her, also... with every word I write in my life now.

Now... I am writing to the day I also, die.... remembering you, Son. Remembering all the people I've loved... most are gone but, there are some who are here now. Writing about Granny Gee who is 'me'..... you named me that name when Taban was born... I didn't know I would like that name... but, I did.

GRANNY GEE.......... :)))

Granny Gee was meant to be a special name for your son, Taban... it was for a time until you left... Granny Gee faded away in her grandson's memory... now.. when he sees her... she's no longer 'Granny Gee'!

No longer the special 'Granny Gee' ... he used to run to ... filling her heart with such exhilerating joy just hearing him call ... 'Granny Gee! Granny Gee! Sometimes, it sounded like ...'Grand Gee! Grand Gee!'

Oh God, how I loved to hear him call me that name... how special 'I felt'... in my heart I 'knew' that unlike McKenzie, Taban would grow up close to me.

It all began to 'fade' after Tommy died... until now... like a month or so.. ago.... I felt I'd become 'nobody' to my little grandson. His love for me has been left to ... die, also.

We met him and his mother at a McDonald's... he hardly seem to notice Skip and I... when 'before' he would run to Pa Skip with such love, and excitement to see him... he didn't ... this time. He never ran to his 'Granny Gee' ...either. He ran to other people in the restaurant to laugh, talk with ... them. I don't think he really saw 'us'.

This fresh memory has been on my mind... hurting me. I 'have to let go' now... so, I can try to find peace of mind... a smooth, level place to rest my soul on as I live out my days.

This 'vessel, my body' has... been filled up to the top with such sad, painful memories... until like lately... 'this vessel has been running over'.......... spilling out into a 'million words'... you are witness to it all as you read 'my heart', my colors which go from bright to dark... soon to be bright again.

Maybe one day... when I'm just walking ... maybe I'll hear running footsteps behind me, hear a sweet voice calling 'Granny Gee! Granny Gee!' :)))

Maybe I'll hear another sweet voice calling 'Grandma! Grandma!' :))) One day when my two grandchildren read my stories they will know I've loved them with my heart... I never meant 'to love them' from... afar. They are a part of my very ... person, my son's children. They are different... they are 'mine'... I brought their father into this world...

Just remember as I write... I don't write in hatred... truly I do understand that mothers have to go on with their lives... I know they usually are thought of in 'bad' ways as they 'leave everyone unimportant behind'. They aren't old enough 'yet'... to understand that though a father is gone... that his parents are still there. They didn't die... and they are forever a part of those children. I'm no exception... I've thought 'bad'... also.

They are important. You can't 'wipe out' grandparents just because you want to date, to fall in love with another guy and might seem disloyal to him, his parents... though I would have never believed Taban's mother would do this... she always kept a close relationship with her other children's daddy, his parents while they lived. I always admired that, I knew she was very family-oriented... did I know wrong?

I love my grandchildren's mothers, care about them. How could I not? They are my children's mothers... their mothers are important to them, they are their very world. I wish only good for them.... because that means a happy child, a good life for them. I know that my granddaughter's life is good... I don't know about my grandson's life.

This is written in memory of my son, Tommy. This is also, written in memory of my grandchildren... I don't know if I'll ever see them in my life again. I can at least say 'goodbye'... here.

I love you, precious children, my son's children. I don't fight to see you because... I'm not upsetting your lives as I've seen other grandparents do in anger. You will just have to settle for your grandmother's love in these words here as I write... I'm sure no one will think to tell you through the years as you grow up. I will tell you in a good, gracious way....

I love you, Taban. I love you, McKenzie. I will now allow myself to feel peace inside with the memory that at one time, I also, had two grandchildren... just like at one time, I.. also... had a son. I can say 'goodbye' while ... I'm living. Tommy didn't have that chance... but, he would have if he could.










This week.... has been quite an emotional roller coaster for me. Tommy has been on my mind... continuously, constantly, every waking moment, every second almost....

I didn't expect that to happen though, of course... I 'knew' the anniversary of his death was soon approaching... May 29, 2012... this coming weekend... Memorial Day weekend...

God, I can't believe my son died on a special holiday everyone looks forward to, he looked forward to... going to the ocean to play on the sand with Taban.

'Who' goes to the ocean to relax, enjoy life... to die? 'Who' goes to the ocean looking forward to playing with a little three year old child... to die? 'Who' calls their mom to tell her 'we are here safely now, Mom, I'll call you back in a little while!'

That mother lets her guard down, breathing deeply and smiling inside... her son and his family made it safely through that holiday traffic... to their destination.

Every mother, I'm sure of this.... breathes a sigh of relief when her child goes on a long trip... especially during the dangerous times of the year when millions of people are traveling... mothers know that accidents could happen.

Yes, I can remember how relieved I was that they'd made it there safely. In my mind 'now'... this thought always comes into my mind.... 'yes, he made it safely there... to die'?

He died where all was peaceful, beautiful... I think about this... wouldn't we all want this 'when it's our time'? I would ... for it to happen quickly doing the very thing we set out and wanted to do. Tommy made it in time to do just that... just exactly what he wanted to do.

He and Taban disappeared to go down to the beach almost as soon as they got there... did he 'know' he only had a few precious moments to make special memories for his son?

Did he somehow 'feel the urgent need' to 'hurry to the beach' to keep his promise to his little son?

The people who watched them play... watched them because it was a 'special' sight.... a big, tall blonde guy running, laughing, playing with a little blonde-headed boy who looked just like him. I can 'see it in my mind... I can hear them in my mind'... it breaks my heart, though...

Thank God... this was the way his last moments were. Little Taban can grow up knowing his daddy loved him, his daddy was keeping his promise to play with him at the ocean... his daddy created the most special memory for Taban to carry with him for the rest of his life.

His daddy spent his last moments with him in the most special of ways... and then, it was time for his daddy to leave. He had to walk through that invisible door to heaven. Thank God for the special people whom I think of as 'angels put there to protect Taban' because God called his daddy home.

One of the angels, a stranger.... calls in less than an hour... the caller ID showing Tommy on it... I answer it quickly to speak to my son. The strange voice said to me ...'ma 'am, I've got a man here collapsed on the sand, he's not breathing'? My whole world turned upside down....

I just didn't know this month of May... was going to bring so many tears, so many times choking up inside.. so much 'extra' sadness. Different colors of emotions.... dark, bright, so many shades... right now... I am so gray... I am so gray.... I need my colors back.

Doesn't it seem now... that it is two years... that it would be easier to cope with a loved one's death. There... I said that word... 'death'.

I'm paying close attention to that word... I am looking straight 'at that damn word'... it angers me at this very moment, I feel so ... damn mad.

Yes, I said 'damn'... and I mean it. The anger is as hot as the tears that instantly sprang up in my eyes... fall, damn you... roll down my face onto my shirt.

They won't stop... gray, black... a hint of white... thank-God for the white... colors are beautiful on white... my colors will be back soon. For now.... I'm very sad. I surprised myself feeling this anger... it is there, there's no denying it. I tried not to ever feel ... anger. It takes my breath away ... making me feel breathless.

I didn't know I was going to feel mad when I began writing... I didn't know I was going to say the word 'damn'. But... I felt that anger boil up to the surface quickly... and not only that... I honestly meant it when I said 'damn'.

Damn... I'm going to cry now. Again... Should I apologize for 'meaning to say 'damn'? I do ... but, I don't...


D..E..A..T..H.. Oh my God... 'that word'... so final, so heart-crushing.. so, so....... THE END... Damn! That's 'why'... because no one wants life to be 'the end'... no one.

THE END... the end of my son's life, his dreams, his goals, the end of .... everything he wanted to do. THE END of a little boy, little girl knowing their own father... their real father.

Damn... though at this moment I think it softly, quietly in my mind..... damn, damn, damn. I don't mean 'damn'... in a ugly way at all... I just say it for lack of knowing another word at the moment .... that's 'not ugly'... because sometimes... I do feel 'ugly' inside. Just now... I did feel really 'ugly' inside .....just for a moment..

I don't 'feel ugly inside' very long.... minutes maybe... I 'know' it doesn't help anything to stay negative. It's just so 'damn' strange that with all the bad things that have happened in my life.... that I don't turn into the most meanest, ugliest, horrid.... most awful person in this world.

It's just a wonder that all of my thoughts aren't just 'damn' ugly... it's just a wonder that I would even smile ...ever. It's just a wonder... that I just don't 'plain damn-out' hate... everything.

I can't be like that... how could I 'live inside myself' with such an awful person? I can't do it. The anger doesn't last long... somehow it magically disappears... thank-God.

Just 'please don't trap me inside of myself with hate'.... dark colors... a person can live 'in jail inside themselves'..... trapped with such feelings... I feel like I can't breathe thinking about it...

The negative feelings come... not for long... somehow, they go away. Do you think they come to test me, to try to find a 'new home', a new person to own and control? Just for a short time... I 'feel' them and I decide... no! I can't live like this...

I didn't know ... I was going to write 'all of this'... and say the word 'damn'... in that way. This has been the strangest week... so full of tears.. not wanting to go out in public... wanting to just stay to myself. I didn't know it was going to be like this ...this week.

I just... didn't know. Tonight... I'm beginning to feel better 'inside'... I really sense tomorrow is going to be a much better day for me. Another sigh of relief... I'm 'feeling' now... everything is going to be alright once again.

I know I've said this 'a million times' ... it really is going to be alright... some things seem to take longer. I am thinking about Taban, my precious little grandson... I look back in my mind at how he looked up to his daddy, I can't forget how he hurt because his daddy was gone.

'My daddy's up there', Taban said. He was pointing to heaven. 'I say my prayers every night, mommy and I talk to my daddy.' 'I love my daddy'. 'My daddy died'. I remember seeing Taban laying down on the ground to show us that his daddy died. 'My daddy's up there'.................. 'My daddy died'.

Thursday, May 24, 2012




Thank-God, I am finally home. I walked through the door so thankful to be home. Today... I'm not 'myself'... I'm just... not myself at all.

I saw 'me' when I looked at my reflection as I walked by a mirror in the store. Oh my God... I shouldn't have even stepped out my door to even let the many birds, squirrels around here see 'me' ... today.

I looked at my eyes in the rearview mirror several times on my drive home... my eyes 'don't feel good at all' today. They feel swollen, sore and so, so... bad.

They've cried alot lately... the mirror told on me. I'm sure that's 'why' people looked at me when I was out in public today... they sure were kind to this soul... today. They will never know just how much it meant to me.

They must have sensed I needed comfort ... even though I was smiling and talking to them while standing in line. I even let several 'older' people get in front of me (there wasn't anyone behind me).

My heart felt good doing that... when I show kindness I feel so much better. I really 'need to show alot of kindness right now... to feel better'.

My very soul, heart... 'me'... hurts so much at this time. I don't remember May of last year when I try to think about it... I do remember this month of May. This past week has been the worst for me.

It seems 'I'm not out of the woods yet'... I hoped to feel better this morning when I got up. I didn't... I feel like I'm still groggy from sleeping.

I came home just now... I looked in my mirror and this is what I saw to make me want to get 'me' home as soon as possible.

I saw an 'older' woman standing in the mirror. I leaned closer so I could see better... 'look at her eyes... oh my God... look at the pain in them'.

I saw 'my eyes' look back at me... they are so red from the storm brewing behind them... more soaking tears are yet to come. I walk around ... I'm a 'storm about to happen' often... raining so hard soaking the earth'.

I'm not a scary, bad storm... I'm like a spring storm about to 'rain any moment'... often, for 'the time being'.

My head hurts, my eyes hurt... my head feels balmy... I feel sleepy from crying so much. My body aches moreso, I'm... depressed. I can't believe I admit this... I'm depressed ... but, don't worry... I'm alright. I can be depressed 'in a good way'.

I just felt... 'I'm too tired now to cry anymore'.... yet, the tears roll down my face. They are 'Tommy tears'... I miss my child. It's as simple as that... it's not simple at all... my feelings are very complex.

I feel 'mad' that he's gone... shouldn't I have felt that long ago... and not feel that emotion now? I have no way of knowing... I have to learn on my own.

I'm a grieving mother who is learning on her own how to grieve... I've done it naturally... long and ... hard. I have no idea 'how long' grief is supposed to last.

I've been grieving for so many loved ones since 1998... not only that... I grieved for the loss of 'myself' as I was before the surgeries to save my life. I also, grieved over Skip who almost died from his life-threatening illness, surgery.

I've grieved for the loss of all of 'our things' accumulated over the years ... lost in the housefire. We almost lost our lives, our Pups' lives in it... we ran so hard to save them.. and got all 4 outside into my Expedition ... just in time. Skip ran back inside to get his wallet... only to almost get trapped inside the burning house. He suffered burns.

I've grieved for the three accidents that almost took Skip's life ... only a few weeks apart. During that time I even wondered.... 'is Death out to get Skip'!?

Both were horrible accidents... one in a tractor-trailer in Moriarity, New Mexico (two girls hydroplaned in a small Toyota hitting Skip's steering tire.... sending him across the median, two lanes of oncoming traffic on I-40 West... to land out on the desert floor.... ironically taking down a Shoney's billboard on the 'sail in the air' before landing).

The second accident happened when he was on his way to the ... physical therapist (ironic, isn't it?) where he had to go because of the .... first accident! The police were chasing a bank robber who ran the light in front of Skip! They almost hit Skip... he stopped in barely enough time in... shock.... not believing what had just happened.. again.

The third accident happened maybe a couple of months later. That evening he took my mother's husband back home... he'd come over to help work on the well pump.

Skip took him home in the beautiful red pickup he'd just finished paying for.... they didn't make it....

A woman ran the stopsign at the crossroad near where we lived.... she never stopped, broadsiding Skip's pickup and hitting another car sitting at the stop sign across from where she'd come. Her van flipped and was upside down in the highway....

Skip called me to tell me .... and I went into another shock... I couldn't believe it... the third time?!!!

Grief... nineteen family members...precious pets, the events in our life, the life-threatening illness/surgeries .. the shocks of so many things that have happened through those few years.

I wonder how many shocks just the 'average person' gets in their whole life? I wonder how many loved ones do they lose in a 'lifetime'? I wonder how many couples almost die, just a short time apart... with cancer? I wonder how many people lose all in a housefire? I wonder how many wrecks they are in... I wonder how many times they almost... die? I wonder how many people live to see their child ...die?

I don't know as I have never known any one person who has experienced 'all of these things... plus, many more I haven't mentioned yet'..... I've known no one to have ever experienced 'all of these things in their lifetime'.... excepting me... Skip and I.

I've learned the hard way by feeling 'how it feels', knowing how it feels to grieve.... only I've been grieving since ... 1998. I'm 'grief walking' in front of you.... I'm old enough 'now'... that it shows on me, on my face... I can't hide it anymore.... though I keep on smiling.

It's taken my youth away... it's made my hair whiter... I even see some little fine lines beginning on my face. I'm like an ocean-going vessel riding up and down on the sea... I've faced many storms and now, they've taken their toll on me.... I 'see' it... I'm saddened.

I used to like looking pretty... I used to love my mirrors........................ 'now'... only once in a great while 'do I 'see' myself' ...again. When I do... I am so happy 'to see me'.... I'm my 'own lost friend'!

I've thought about losing, grieving for my youth... I've thought about how so much has happened in my life to steal it from me. I'm thinking I've learned alot the hard way, on my own.... I never knew anyone else to suffer the things I have.

I am going to tell you what I've learned through the years of being in perpetual grief.... it will take a long time to tell you... so, as time goes by... 'you will see and you will know'... maybe some of you have already read, seen some of what has touched my life... what it has taught me, what it is teaching me... what I have left to learn.


Perpetual Grief.....Tears


When I begin to feel better, sigh with relief

I'm back in the spin of ... never-ending perpetual grief

I can't seem to be free of pain through all these years

I have learned my best friends are grief and tears

I've always been told to choose my friends with care

watch out for 'bad' people, just beware

Never did I hear of the 'friends' that chose me

Perpetual grief, tears that won't let me be

Perpetual grief, tears that dominate my life

while I keep trying to be a good person, a good wife

They threaten to overwhelm me, pull me down

I get up, dust my pants as I ... look around

Life... I will meet you 'head-on', you've hurt me so much

I still love you, I'm positive too, happy colors and ... such!

Perpetual grief... and tears... I will know always

I'm going to be alright, I mean to for the rest of my ... days


Perpetual Grief.....Tears


When I begin to feel better, sigh with relief

I'm back in the spin of ... never-ending perpetual grief

I can't seem to be free of pain through all these years

I have learned my best friends are grief and tears

I've always been told to choose my friends with care

watch out for 'bad' people, just beware

Never did I hear of the 'friends' that chose me

Perpetual grief, tears that won't let me be

Perpetual grief, tears that dominate my life

while I keep trying to be a good person, a good wife

They threaten to overwhelm me, pull me down

I get up, dust my pants as I ... look around

Life... I will meet you 'head-on', you've hurt me so much

I still love you, I'm positive too, happy colors and ... such!

Perpetual grief... and tears... I will know always

I'm going to be alright, I mean to for the rest of my ... days

Wednesday, May 23, 2012




I became aware of crying around me... I realized I couldn't see. I couldn't see!

Where's my baby! I became frantic, I reached out trying to feel for my baby. I couldn't see! I felt fragments of glass stick into my fingertips! The pieces were cutting my fingers, they were sticky.. I couldn't see my fingers!

Why can't I see? What has happened to me? I was crying, I felt something fall from somewhere ...onto my lap. I felt for it ... broken glass! Why is there broken glass on my lap? I felt my head, my hair.... fragments of broken glass fell.

My baby! My baby! I began crying very loud for my baby. I could hear people around me... can't they hear me? In my mind I could see ... me sitting in the front seat on the passenger side of the car. Tommy's little head was resting on the door... oh my God! Where's my baby?!!!

I began screaming... maybe I had been screaming all along. I heard a soft, calm voice begin talking close to my head... he's alright, the feminine voice told me. The voice told me that she had my baby, that he was alright though, there were cuts on his face from broken glass!

Broken glass! Where did the broken glass come from! Where was I? What has happened to us? I was in a dark tunnel... for a moment I had seen light at the end of it... I remembered clutching my baby to my chest and crawling, fighting to go to that light to get away from..... oh my God! We've been in a wreck!

My baby's head, oh my baby's head was resting on the door! The car that crashed into the car we were passengers in... crashed into my side and pushed the door in on Tommy and I! I was hurt, my shoulder was hurting badly.

I was beginning to see again, the woman had placed my baby in my arms. I began sobbing as I saw the blood on my baby, on Tommy's face, head.

Blood has no place on a little innocent baby... my heart was broken... Tommy was crying. I held his little body to my chest, rocking him and talking softly to him through the sobs wracking my body.

We were taken to the hospital, there we were seen by the ER doctor. Hours later we were released to go home. I was so thankful Tommy was alright... it looked so much worst than it really was. So much glass was on both him and I, in our hair, our clothes.

I began to come out of the shock I was in. I asked about the woman whom Tommy and I had been with. She is fine, so are her children.. I was told.

She had stopped at the stoplight in Elkin, North Carolina near Chatham Blanket Company. A woman ran the the red light, crashing into the door pushing it in on me... I had been sitting straight in my seat with Tommy's little head resting on the padded door.

I had forgotten just before the crash, I had turned with my shoulder and part of my back resting against the door, I was holding Tommy with his head on my chest... in my mind.. his little head was still touching that padded door!

When the woman ran the red light she crashed into the door, my shoulder and back took the force of it. Tommy's head was protected by my chest. Thank-God, I would have died for my child!

Tommy and I had been in a wreck... thank-God, I had placed my shoulder and back to the door... we had forty years together ... mother and son. I miss my son... Tommy, I'm glad I got to know you, my precious son.




Tuesday, May 22, 2012



This beautiful painting was painted recently by my cousin in Oregon, Linda Ivie.  I love all of her paintings but... this one stands out to me.  I wanted to put it on my blog... it makes me so happy to look at it.

This is what Linda said she felt while she painted it....... these are her words: 

"I want you to post that I felt great energy and calmness as I
continued to paint. I was so relaxed when I was done, I felt like all was right with everything and it makes me grateful that our god, Jehovah was looking down on me with great approval. The swan is a beautiful and majestic creature, I could smell the sweetness of the air when I was painting him".
Today Linda called me and we talked 'art'... I was feeling very sad and her call made all the difference in the way I've felt the rest of the day.  Linda called me on my cellphone... that made all the difference, also.  The house phone ... that phone........ that's the phone that changed my life when a stranger called me to say ... 'ma am, I have a man collapsed here on the beach, he's not breathing'.....
One day I will change that phone ... now, that I've realized 'why' I won't go to it when it rings... I will put that phone up... I won't throw it away because... on 'that phone' is also, the phone Tommy called me on just a short time before the stranger called me... just a short time ... before he died... not even an hour.
I've been so sad this week, today I've cried off and on ... I listened to myself ... I heard myself cry.  I'm glad Skip wasn't here today to see, hear.  It would have upset him greatly.  I haven't told him, he'll get so sad if I do. 
There's just something so special about Linda's swan painting... I look at it while I type... it touches something in me... I love this painting and guess what?  She is going to paint me a swan!  Today we told each other we'll each paint a picture for the other.  I know what I'm going to paint for her... I'm going to wait to tell.....  :)))
Don't you think her swan is a beautiful picture?  The colors are soft, special....  the colors stand out to me.  I've shared so much sadness lately ... I wanted to share her painting with you all... there's nothing sad about it... it's just ... special.
I will say goodnight now.  Goodnight my readers... you all mean the world to me.  I'm very thankful I have you all to come to ... to share my thoughts with.  Love, Granny Gee  :)))




The warmth as I held it in my hands... the much needed comfort as I closed my eyes to enjoy... the flavor of homemade soup just like my mom used to make. It means so much to me... I need this... sometimes 'I think I need my own mom'.

Does that sound strange? I'm older now, and I just said 'I think I need my own mom'. I made a homemade soup just like she used to make... it taste just like her special homemade soup... I had to make it... I needed comfort. Mom, I'm thinking of you... how I miss you.

I'm grieving this week 'overtime'. I hear me crying before I know... I'm crying. My eyes burn, feel heavy from diamond tears... from more ... unshed tears. I can be sure they'll begin to fall, it's just a matter of 'when'.

I wonder if teardrops can be frozen? I wonder if so, could they all be counted? I think in reality if one did this... it could be called 'Memories Frozen In Time'. Each tear would hold a certain memory that made it be shed.

My memories that would be frozen in time would be so many... so many because I'm the only person I know who has had so many 'bad' things happen in my life. When I say that... don't think I feel sorry for myself, that I want pity or sympathy, or... that I'm an older, bitter person.

I'm quite the opposite of that... but, nevertheless... I feel pain... alot. I feel pain both physically at every moment of my life... combined with the pain in my heart. I've learned to live with it... sometimes, it hurts more than others.

I'm always trying to 'see why' such things happen... what am I supposed to learn from 'this life's lesson'... I 'know' things happen for a reason. If there is such a thing as reincarnation... was I really a 'bad' person 'before'... to have so much 'happen in this life'? In 'this life'... most all I've learned in life has been 'the hard way'.

In my young life I have traveled down many paths ... I could have been a 'really bad' person... if I hadn't turned back. Thank-God, I turned back on each... so, with that being said... it seems like life would have stayed so good, so happy for me.... 'I stayed 'good', but, still 'bad' things happened.....

So many questions, no answers. Maybe one day I will 'see why'... sometimes life is like that. I'm 'always connecting the dots' in life... I always liked that game as a child.

If I 'sold' my frozen teardrops, would they be an instant seller because they would be a novelty? What would one use the frozen teardrops for? How about Frozen Memory Tea? or Frozen Diamond Tears.... to put in the Frozen Memory Tea?

I would love to have a glass of Frozen Memory Tea, yes, don't forget to put the Frozen Diamond Tears in it........

I wonder 'what good' I could apply them to... is there something that could make other people happy, something that diamond teardrops could make a positive difference in the world? Can I donate them? I make alot of them, especially in the month of ... May.

This weekend marks two years since my son's death... for some reason it's really hurting ...alot... two years later. I become aware that I'm crying when I feel something wet on my hands, my arms. I look down to see diamond tears... shining, sparkling in the light.

I'm amazed at seeing, appreciating the beauty in one teardrop while... my heart feels such sadness, and my eyes cry more ... wondrous, beautiful teardrops.

Can you imagine a special tray in your freezer... with little frozen teardrops in rows, sparkling ...shining in the light? Can you imagine picking one up 'knowing' ..... 'it was cried with a certain memory'?

Can you imagine such a thing in reality as ...'Memories Frozen IN Time'? There would be 'good' memories, too.

Monday, May 21, 2012




I was looking at photos, reading yesterday when... I stopped and just sat looking... wondering 'why' one photo had my attention.

It came to me... I was looking at a rainbow and it looked like the one I saw through my tears... at the funeral home. I remember walking outside and I heard someone say 'look! there's a rainbow'!

I remember looking at the sky and seeing through my numbness, shock ...a beautiful rainbow that shimmered through the tears in my eyes. I blinked my eyes and my tears sparkled like diamonds, making that rainbow forever a part of 'me'... in my memory.

It was the second rainbow I saw through my tears... when my mom died... and this one... when Tommy died. I was like in another world... seeing both. It was so ... strange... so beautiful.

Today I was in my art room, organizing things when I became aware that ... I was crying. I had moved Tommy's chest and the photo I have of him smiling that precious 'Tommy' smile ... I always keep that photo sitting on top of his chest.

I was crying softly and didn't even know it.. it's strange to 'find yourself crying'. It hurts so much ... I'm doing it now. I never knew I would cry so much in my life.

I was thinking just for a moment when I moved his chest to dust it... I wonder if I can open it. I opened it just a tiny crack to slip a photo of Taban in it... I couldn't open it any farther. I wonder 'why I'm not strong enough'? It's just a simple action... you just lift the lid up... simple as that.

I have to say truthfully, even though I know... yes, I really know it isn't possible ... I wish so much my son was living. I wish so much to hear his familiar voice, his laugh... to see the twinkle in his eyes... to hear his 'cowardly lion' laugh that used to put me in hysterics... I would laugh so much.

I loved hearing him do impression of Billy Bob Thorton. Do you know it still seems like it was 'just yesterday' I was talking to him? 'Just yesterday'... I hugged him goodbye...I watched him drive down the driveway, grinning... waving to me. I didn't know we were waving... for the last time. I just didn't know that....

I can never look at a rainbow without thinking of him... I see it through my tears because I feel pain when I do. I think of my mom, too.

Seeing rainbows through my tears... happy colors with a shimmery, clear veil of my tears. I remember when I used to look at them without tears... those days are gone.

Diamond tears and colorful rainbows... how sad and beautiful the two are... how so sad and beautiful they are.




As I look out 'my windows' I see and appreciate the trees, the sky

I sit here , I'm very old and have been here as long as I

Can remember... I am very tall, imposing... a shadow of myself, you see

Though knowing this, just know my feelings are young, I'm still me

I could be a house... or a person.... a little attention can make me shine

with lights or a bright smile that's all.... mine!

Remember when you look at an old house... and 'old' person now

They look like that on the outside, inside they are the same, I'll tell you how

As a house, a person becomes older they begin to realize they think the same

They are more mature in looks, thoughts...just more tame

When young and free-spirited, one can be wild, and daring

As they become older, they become mature and very caring

I look out my windows with my old, aging faded out eyes

I still think young and I'm still free-spirited, though I'm old and wise

So, when you look at me.. know that I'm 'more than' the old house/person you see

Remember... inside is where it counts... I'm still me!

I feel so happy and free, so surprised when I see my faded glory

A shadow of myself, unnoticed..boring... who would believe I have quite a story

So, when you look at me, a house or person... only if you take time

will you see the old sparkle and shine... that's all mine!

Sunday, May 20, 2012




I've been sitting here looking at photos of the sand between the beach and hotel at Myrtle Beach

Soon, I'm going to paint a ocean scene in memory

of Tommy, my son... he died at the ocean

He died where everyone goes to feel the freedom of everyday life... stress, to vacation... to breathe the fresh ocean air

Where people 'came to take a new lease on life'... to relax and rest their souls, their minds, their bodies....

People didn't come there to ... die, but.... then again, I've heard of people wanting to get to the ocean 'just before', haven't you?

Tommy died while running, playing on the sand with his little three year old son, Taban

I sit here looking on the computer at that sand in front of the hotel they had just arrived at... 'just in time'.... where Tommy... collapsed

I'm trying to 'see', to feel, to 'know'... from all I was told ... 'is that the spot' where my son exited through an invisible door?

I keep wondering 'if I go there'... can I 'feel' the door handle and turn it... to 'see where Tommy went'?

I wonder if at all possible I could just 'peep behind that door'... look up the steps made of air and clouds... white, blue, a hint of violet and pink, sunshine... fluffy steps

Could I 'see Tommy'? Could I just see him for a moment to see his precious smile... I promise it would make the difference for the 'rest of my life'

I feel my mouth begin to tremble on its own because I know what I am looking for, Oh God... it does hurt so bad

I'm looking for where you walked into heaven, Son, where you got to play just a few moments

I'm looking for the lifeguard station there nearby on the sand.. they couldn't have saved you if they tried

You collapsed with two blockages in your heart... how did we not know?

The nightmare that happened to you disguised and masked what was happening to you... you had just come home off the road a few weeks from a breakdown

This is something I haven't done since learning that my son was gone ... forever... 'now', I'm beginning to cry ..again

'Where' on that sand did you go away, 'where'? did you open that invisible door... Son, where did you go?

I'm looking for you... I miss you... I cry for you... you are my baby, my only child.. my only son... I loved you with my very heart

I haven't been strong enough... even now, I'm having doubts as I try to 'look for something' I'm trying to find

Something that says 'Tommy' when I look at that sand where his spirit left the shore

Something that I can find peace of mind, something that even I don't know what it is

I'm just trying to 'find'... just trying to find something that even I don't know what it is

I'm like our Kissy Fairchild, our precious 1 year old Rottie... he is constantly searching for ... something

You got there just in time to play with your little son,

you got there in time to take another trip

Another trip that you, no one expected for you to take, I thought you were 'already there'... at the beach, at your destination... I thought I only had to worry about your safety... when it was 'time to come back home'

But, no.... your trip wasn't quite finished, it was a trip that forever altered mine and Skip's and Taban's life

This was your last trip, Son... it's strange that you had to take a trip to ... take another trip, I didn't know to worry about 'this one'...

It's strange you made it just in time to do what you most wanted to do

You barely made it in time to play with your little son, I'm so thankful Taban will have this memory

He can't help but, to grow up knowing that while his daddy was here

His daddy loved him with his very heart, that he was his daddy's pride and joy

His little girl will grow up knowing her daddy loved her just as much, she has to be older to understand the 'whys', she will have to be older to 'see and understand', only then... will she know how her daddy loved her, too

The 'whys' that no matter how hard he tried, the money he spent ... it was in vain to see her... it always turned into heartbreak

If you all only knew the grief, the stress, the heartbreak Tommy suffered

It would be easy to see 'why' God called him home, his heart couldn't take anymore

He called him home to rest his mind, his spirit... his soul because Tommy was so tired, he couldn't take more

Tommy couldn't get over the death of a man ... a death that reached out and touched his life

Through no choosing on Tommy's part... be careful everyone, life has a way of touching your life

It can reach out even if you're living your own life ...in the form of unexpected happenings, people touching your life when you don't choose for them to

A person who wants to come to disturb the calm in your pond... toss pebbles on your water just ... to see it ripple... then, there are the accidents, the unexpected...

There are things that happen out of the blue, just as that fateful day on the Hernando De Soto Bridge in Tennessee

When that man stepped out of his car in all that fast-moving traffic... 'why'? I'm so sorry for you 'man'... but, when you did that... you also, 'killed my son' that day

He stepped out in front of Tommy's big tractor-trailer... when he did ... he changed my son's life forever

Tommy 'died' the first time when his tractor-trailer struck that man, he cared with his life

Tommy couldn't bear the knowledge of seeing, reliving that tragic event in his life

Tommy had the biggest heart, he cared about people and would be the first to run to help someone... not hurt them

'Forever' ... being only 1 year and several weeks... forever until Tommy ... died... again

Tommy couldn't bear to live with what happened, he cried often, he was in such a state of mind where he couldn't find peace

I grieved for my son's life... twice over, I have grieved since May ...one year before he died in May of 2010, I also, 'lost my son as I knew him'... that fateful day only to lose him forever the 'second' time

Survivor's Guilt is what the doctors called it... all I know is my son lived in such pain, grief... he couldn't get past hurting, killing a man even if it wasn't his fault

He tried but, he was alone too much... when he tried to be with his family, the people who loved him most

The company he worked for told him he had to come to their motel to stay... and go to their doctors...hundreds of miles away... to keep his job...

Weeks upon weeks... Tommy went and stayed alone when he needed all of us

He went back to work driving that truck and tried to be alright... saying he was 'okay now'... when he really wasn't

Yes, Tommy did that so, he could come home and see his little son, to be able to just see his loved ones while 'pretending he was alright'... so, he could leave that motel where he was isolated

When he came home on April 1st, 2010... the breakdown, he couldn't take anymore... my son didn't know it... he meant to go to doctors here at home, to be with his loved ones to help him through....but, those were 'his last moments' until....

May 29th, 2010.... I know the ones who caused him grief during this time will forever suffer inside, never see peace of mind... life has a way of 'coming back in full circle'... it will 'bite you in the ass'

Because all that was done, said....... added to all that took Tommy from his 'last moments' to.... the last trip of his life... Tommy never saw peace.. never.. before he died

Am I angry as well as sad... sometimes... like this moment when I think of what I saw and heard, what Tommy said

Yes, I feel a white anger burn in my soul... yes, it will be there until the day Tommy's mother... takes her last trip

Tommy wasn't treated right, he was in bad shape but, he chose to stay home when we asked him to come to us

Tommy loved his little son more than anything... he didn't want to lose him, too

Tommy would walk through hell to be with him... Tommy did

He would have never left that little boy on his own, that little fellow was his life-line

That little boy was who Tommy lived for ... his precious little son... he didn't want to lose him... he 'lost' his daughter ... he fought hard to see her only to have obstacles placed at every turn in that path

Yes, I am angry... Granny Gee feels anger, she'll never forget the things that are unspoken............ 'for now'

The things, the people who made her son so unhappy, the very ones who hurt him so

While they loved him 'in their own way'.... no, Granny Gee remembers, she'll never forget... one day

Though... like her son... she forgives but... of course, like you ... if all happened to you like this... no, you'd never forget... especially if you knew all that I know

The main thing is forgiveness... that I've done well but, no... when you ask me if I've forgotten

I will not answer you because this is my private life that I only write about... I won't 'talk in words' to you about it... please don't ask

Here, I will tell you 'no'..... no, I've not forgotten, in my mind I still hear that voice in the background spitting out

Awful words to him because he was on the phone and not cleaning up a mess he didn't make, I hear that voice that was always there when he called us... angry because he was talking to us... to Skip... to me

He would just hold the phone, no words were said... Tommy was too sick to know what to do... he was the weakest in his life

That big, gentle giant of a man just sat there... he'd just had a breakdown on April 1st and had to come home to try to find peace

Tommy never found peace, instead he went on a long journey... two journeys in one

Tommy's heart couldn't take anymore, he had two blockages... all he was going through masked his life-threatening condition

Tommy left that evening... when he left ...my world forever changed... I am left with knowing, remembering more as time goes by

Yes, for this moment ... Granny Gee feels that anger... no, it doesn't feel good

Anger makes my colors dark, makes me feel bad... I'm working on that anger to put it back 'inside'

I know it's not a good thing, I know I have to constantly put it away forever

I hate, I don't hate... I'm angry, I'm not angry... I forgive, I don't forgive... I cry, I don't cry... I hate, I don't hate

I do, I don't........ I know, I don't know... but, deep 'inside' I really do know that I do forgive, I do forget, I do love instead of hate, I don't stay angry and mad

These are emotions that go through a mother's heart when she loses her child... some mothers are never 'alright'... again.... you are reading 'real' thoughts of a 'real' grieving mother ... in 'real' time

After losing her child... she never is 'right again', she lives forever in her own world where her child left her at that time

I won't do that ... I will let the colors of life pull me through, pull me back to now, the present

I'm not staying in a world without seeing, knowing anything but, what happened 'then'...

I'm here, today... but, for the moment I feel anger. It will go away in a little while... I've been like this before

I have to be gentle with it and put it back... this time it will be alittle 'less'... each time 'a little less' until one day

I won't have to feel it anymore... only sadness will be there to take its place... I may be ninety-nine when that happens, but...

Anger... has a place in our world as it can help us to overcome obstacles in our life... it gives us fuel to succeed in life

Anger... isn't healthy, it can make us sick inside... this is the anger I work hard to 'let go'

This is the anger that is 'bad'... it doesn't help a thing, it only serves to pull one down so far

If they don't work hard at it... they'll only have dark colors in their life... for the rest of their life

They'll grow old, bitter, mean, hateful... they'll never see the bright colors around them, their world is black

I love colors, so... I won't let this anger stay... my world has many colors of blue, pink, yellow, green, gold, orange and just any color thought of!

Yes, 'now'... I feel my colors brightening back up... my world's going to be alright

I feel that anger receding, going back... alittle less now, I see that I am going to be alright

Tommy, I remember something you said alot, while laughing, when you were a little boy

You would say 'I'm Tommy, I want my Mommy!' I will think of happy things like this... yellow-golden sunshine just came into my heart

Go back anger, I don't want you... I'm sorry I've ever had to feel bad feelings... but, I have

I have tried to be perfect, to no avail... I am only human and the most imperfect person you've ever seen

I do still feel mean thoughts, anger when I don't want to... I can only keep going forward from it... but, I will be like this again... again... and again

I will have to battle these feelings for the rest of my life just... as some of us battle to lose weight, or like some people to quit smoking... I will be in a constant battle for the rest of my life... to keep from hating, being angry...

Just as I am doing now... in colors of pink, yellow, green and blue... colors of dusty rose, violet, fuschia, lime, orange.... happy colors!

All I feel is because I'm in pain, I'm grieving for my child... I was grieving 'before' he died........I loved my son just like you do... you have yours now, I don't

I'm sorry to say sometimes... I get mad... I want him back but, realistically... I know better

I'm filling my mind with distractions now... colors of yellow, pink, green and blue... colors of every kind... I follow the colors without thinking

I'm going to be alright as long as.. I keep myself distracted

I'm going to be alright as long as I write

The things I can't say in words out loud, letting these things out in written words

This is my outlet where I can talk... my fingers talk for me here

As I talk with my fingers, I don't push myself or my thoughts on anyone

If you are reading here, it's because you come here on your own, to read

I know there are some who come here to 'see if there's something about them'... I don't want to hurt you with my words... but, always remember... you contributed to how I feel and to Tommy's death... 'before'... several of you made his life 'hell on earth' before he died

I remember, I 'know'... he talked to me, his mother... and to Skip, whom he loved with his very heart as 'father'... many, many countless hours on the phone while on the road... I want you to know that 'Tommy cried... Tommy loved each of you in his own way'...

Spite, the need to win and the need to make a child another man's child when she had a father, to make any visit 'pure hell' when the child came to spend time with her father... the need to call in the middle of the night to disrupt visits, the need to tell a child things to do or say

For a father to wish for his child to call him 'daddy'... but, that child has been told she can't call him 'daddy'... the child being loving to everyone but, him... when it comes for hard-won weekend visits....

Granny Gee/Gloria will never forget the heartache, the anguish.... though she forgives, though she hates and... strangely enough... still loves... Tommy still loved..... 'you who come here to see what I write about'....

I know you hurt inside, because there's so much more than what's here... that you two have to live with...............

I can say this in all honesty.... you did wrong... sadly, I 'know that you two know this, also'....

We know what hurt him to the very core of his soul, we know and saw.... I will say this in all fairness... in your minds when you helped to destroy Tommy... you did it 'with love in your heart'... you couldn't 'see farther than that'....

Tommy lived in 'hell on earth' from 'people who loved him'....... I think 'back' all the time and 'I see, hear in my mind the things that I saw, heard with myself'.... Oh my God... the things I don't know...

I wonder 'if you meant to hurt' or... you were so unhappy that 'you didn't mean to hurt'... or 'if you hurt Tommy because of 'loyalty' to others'?

I think about 'you all' ... all the time... I have to because... you've hurt me, too... the strange thing is I 'never knew any of you that well'... somehow I could 'never connect' with any of you... I really tried ... at one time... I 'gave up' and I tried to just 'be nice'... it didn't make any difference..

See... I'm angry though I don't want to be... my only excuse is being a 'mother'........ :))) I 'know' what a couple of you are thinking at the moment... I can be 'if I have to be'... I wish I was perfect... I wish I wasn't angry, sad.. or even... thinking about 'you'... but, of course, I do... you are the people who contributed so much to my son's life... good... bad


If you want to know real thoughts, real emotion and feelings... you will from this mother who has lost her child

Yes, here you will read not just happy, wonderful things in my life... full of color, the dark colors are there, too

Here, I fight to keep dark colors from my world that sometimes... threaten to drown me, my soul

To pull me down forever so, that I'll be a mother 'who has never been right since her child's death'

I'm not going to let it... because as you can see.. you are in fact, 'witnessing a battle of colors' as you read

Dark colors, bright colors... which will win? Which colors will dominate my life?

Why, bright colors will be the focus of my life, distracting and taking me away to the light

The light of happiness, sunshine on my path while I grieve for Tommy, this will make it better

For me to stay alright even while I feel the saddest feelings in my life

While grieving, missing my son, my only child.. a part of my very heart.... TOMMY