Monday, May 21, 2012




I was looking at photos, reading yesterday when... I stopped and just sat looking... wondering 'why' one photo had my attention.

It came to me... I was looking at a rainbow and it looked like the one I saw through my tears... at the funeral home. I remember walking outside and I heard someone say 'look! there's a rainbow'!

I remember looking at the sky and seeing through my numbness, shock ...a beautiful rainbow that shimmered through the tears in my eyes. I blinked my eyes and my tears sparkled like diamonds, making that rainbow forever a part of 'me'... in my memory.

It was the second rainbow I saw through my tears... when my mom died... and this one... when Tommy died. I was like in another world... seeing both. It was so ... strange... so beautiful.

Today I was in my art room, organizing things when I became aware that ... I was crying. I had moved Tommy's chest and the photo I have of him smiling that precious 'Tommy' smile ... I always keep that photo sitting on top of his chest.

I was crying softly and didn't even know it.. it's strange to 'find yourself crying'. It hurts so much ... I'm doing it now. I never knew I would cry so much in my life.

I was thinking just for a moment when I moved his chest to dust it... I wonder if I can open it. I opened it just a tiny crack to slip a photo of Taban in it... I couldn't open it any farther. I wonder 'why I'm not strong enough'? It's just a simple action... you just lift the lid up... simple as that.

I have to say truthfully, even though I know... yes, I really know it isn't possible ... I wish so much my son was living. I wish so much to hear his familiar voice, his laugh... to see the twinkle in his eyes... to hear his 'cowardly lion' laugh that used to put me in hysterics... I would laugh so much.

I loved hearing him do impression of Billy Bob Thorton. Do you know it still seems like it was 'just yesterday' I was talking to him? 'Just yesterday'... I hugged him goodbye...I watched him drive down the driveway, grinning... waving to me. I didn't know we were waving... for the last time. I just didn't know that....

I can never look at a rainbow without thinking of him... I see it through my tears because I feel pain when I do. I think of my mom, too.

Seeing rainbows through my tears... happy colors with a shimmery, clear veil of my tears. I remember when I used to look at them without tears... those days are gone.

Diamond tears and colorful rainbows... how sad and beautiful the two are... how so sad and beautiful they are.

1 comment:

  1. I understand that it is hard to "open" a chest or to "disturb" anything that belongs to Tommy. It just does something to you. I can still "see" Tommy standing in the doorway of the building you had your fruit stand. He had his hands raised abover his head with his hands touching the top of the doorway! He was so tall!! He once told me to look at the apples--then he said, "strange what a little Armoral will do ain't it"? We laughed so much about that! I about cracked up laughing! He could say the darndest things to make one laugh. I will always remember his smile and some of the things he would say. He was like a happy-go-lucky person. He always smiled when I saw him. He was a very good man! Love, Ms. Nancy