Friday, May 25, 2012




This week.... has been quite an emotional roller coaster for me. Tommy has been on my mind... continuously, constantly, every waking moment, every second almost....

I didn't expect that to happen though, of course... I 'knew' the anniversary of his death was soon approaching... May 29, 2012... this coming weekend... Memorial Day weekend...

God, I can't believe my son died on a special holiday everyone looks forward to, he looked forward to... going to the ocean to play on the sand with Taban.

'Who' goes to the ocean to relax, enjoy life... to die? 'Who' goes to the ocean looking forward to playing with a little three year old child... to die? 'Who' calls their mom to tell her 'we are here safely now, Mom, I'll call you back in a little while!'

That mother lets her guard down, breathing deeply and smiling inside... her son and his family made it safely through that holiday traffic... to their destination.

Every mother, I'm sure of this.... breathes a sigh of relief when her child goes on a long trip... especially during the dangerous times of the year when millions of people are traveling... mothers know that accidents could happen.

Yes, I can remember how relieved I was that they'd made it there safely. In my mind 'now'... this thought always comes into my mind.... 'yes, he made it safely there... to die'?

He died where all was peaceful, beautiful... I think about this... wouldn't we all want this 'when it's our time'? I would ... for it to happen quickly doing the very thing we set out and wanted to do. Tommy made it in time to do just that... just exactly what he wanted to do.

He and Taban disappeared to go down to the beach almost as soon as they got there... did he 'know' he only had a few precious moments to make special memories for his son?

Did he somehow 'feel the urgent need' to 'hurry to the beach' to keep his promise to his little son?

The people who watched them play... watched them because it was a 'special' sight.... a big, tall blonde guy running, laughing, playing with a little blonde-headed boy who looked just like him. I can 'see it in my mind... I can hear them in my mind'... it breaks my heart, though...

Thank God... this was the way his last moments were. Little Taban can grow up knowing his daddy loved him, his daddy was keeping his promise to play with him at the ocean... his daddy created the most special memory for Taban to carry with him for the rest of his life.

His daddy spent his last moments with him in the most special of ways... and then, it was time for his daddy to leave. He had to walk through that invisible door to heaven. Thank God for the special people whom I think of as 'angels put there to protect Taban' because God called his daddy home.

One of the angels, a stranger.... calls in less than an hour... the caller ID showing Tommy on it... I answer it quickly to speak to my son. The strange voice said to me ...'ma 'am, I've got a man here collapsed on the sand, he's not breathing'? My whole world turned upside down....

I just didn't know this month of May... was going to bring so many tears, so many times choking up inside.. so much 'extra' sadness. Different colors of emotions.... dark, bright, so many shades... right now... I am so gray... I am so gray.... I need my colors back.

Doesn't it seem now... that it is two years... that it would be easier to cope with a loved one's death. There... I said that word... 'death'.

I'm paying close attention to that word... I am looking straight 'at that damn word'... it angers me at this very moment, I feel so ... damn mad.

Yes, I said 'damn'... and I mean it. The anger is as hot as the tears that instantly sprang up in my eyes... fall, damn you... roll down my face onto my shirt.

They won't stop... gray, black... a hint of white... thank-God for the white... colors are beautiful on white... my colors will be back soon. For now.... I'm very sad. I surprised myself feeling this anger... it is there, there's no denying it. I tried not to ever feel ... anger. It takes my breath away ... making me feel breathless.

I didn't know I was going to feel mad when I began writing... I didn't know I was going to say the word 'damn'. But... I felt that anger boil up to the surface quickly... and not only that... I honestly meant it when I said 'damn'.

Damn... I'm going to cry now. Again... Should I apologize for 'meaning to say 'damn'? I do ... but, I don't...


D..E..A..T..H.. Oh my God... 'that word'... so final, so heart-crushing.. so, so....... THE END... Damn! That's 'why'... because no one wants life to be 'the end'... no one.

THE END... the end of my son's life, his dreams, his goals, the end of .... everything he wanted to do. THE END of a little boy, little girl knowing their own father... their real father.

Damn... though at this moment I think it softly, quietly in my mind..... damn, damn, damn. I don't mean 'damn'... in a ugly way at all... I just say it for lack of knowing another word at the moment .... that's 'not ugly'... because sometimes... I do feel 'ugly' inside. Just now... I did feel really 'ugly' inside .....just for a moment..

I don't 'feel ugly inside' very long.... minutes maybe... I 'know' it doesn't help anything to stay negative. It's just so 'damn' strange that with all the bad things that have happened in my life.... that I don't turn into the most meanest, ugliest, horrid.... most awful person in this world.

It's just a wonder that all of my thoughts aren't just 'damn' ugly... it's just a wonder that I would even smile ...ever. It's just a wonder... that I just don't 'plain damn-out' hate... everything.

I can't be like that... how could I 'live inside myself' with such an awful person? I can't do it. The anger doesn't last long... somehow it magically disappears... thank-God.

Just 'please don't trap me inside of myself with hate'.... dark colors... a person can live 'in jail inside themselves'..... trapped with such feelings... I feel like I can't breathe thinking about it...

The negative feelings come... not for long... somehow, they go away. Do you think they come to test me, to try to find a 'new home', a new person to own and control? Just for a short time... I 'feel' them and I decide... no! I can't live like this...

I didn't know ... I was going to write 'all of this'... and say the word 'damn'... in that way. This has been the strangest week... so full of tears.. not wanting to go out in public... wanting to just stay to myself. I didn't know it was going to be like this ...this week.

I just... didn't know. Tonight... I'm beginning to feel better 'inside'... I really sense tomorrow is going to be a much better day for me. Another sigh of relief... I'm 'feeling' now... everything is going to be alright once again.

I know I've said this 'a million times' ... it really is going to be alright... some things seem to take longer. I am thinking about Taban, my precious little grandson... I look back in my mind at how he looked up to his daddy, I can't forget how he hurt because his daddy was gone.

'My daddy's up there', Taban said. He was pointing to heaven. 'I say my prayers every night, mommy and I talk to my daddy.' 'I love my daddy'. 'My daddy died'. I remember seeing Taban laying down on the ground to show us that his daddy died. 'My daddy's up there'.................. 'My daddy died'.

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