Tuesday, June 5, 2012




I've been 'seeing Tommy' again. I notice that I turn to follow with my eyes long enough to 'see Tommy' for 'as long as I can'... until I realize that person doesn't look like Tommy anymore.

Yesterday I was driving by a store that we frequent ... a tall, handsome guy was walking to go inside. He had his hair cut very short like Tommy wore his, he wore his sunglasses like Tommy... he had on a tee shirt like Tommy... he held his shoulders, body straight... just like Tommy. Tommy always had 'perfect posture' and was a fine figure of a man. This guy looked like my son.

I turned my head as I drove by... 'seeing Tommy' for as long as I could. I almost ran off the road... if I had, someone may have thought 'the older woman ran off the road looking at a handsome, young man'. They would have never known that I was 'seeing Tommy'.

It hurts my heart very much, I miss my son. I told Skip just yesterday something that stays in my mind. I told him that I keep thinking about feeling I want to talk to Tommy about alot of things, I didn't get to say them all when he was living. He was gone before anyone knew it... who would have thought a young 40 year old guy would 'just die'.... just that quickly... from 2 blockages in his heart?

Tommy never got to share with me how he felt running and playing with Taban. Of course, I know in my heart... my mind alot of what he would have said. I knew my son, I knew how much he was looking forward to doing just that. It would be the very last thing he did while here.. in this world. I think about that, too.

I find myself looking for Tommy from time to time. Some days I 'see Tommy', alot. I look for as long as I can. Sometimes if the person who looks like him... were to look my way... I guess he'd see an older woman standing there with tears in her eyes, love for her son, watching him for as long as she can see him. Just trying so hard to get a glimpse of her beloved son... to see him breathing, walking, talking again... seeing him in another young man is as close as she will ever see him again. Once she thought she'd see Tommy in a little, precious boy as he grew up... too much time has gone by, her grandson has forgotten her. Now... Granny Gee looks for her son in a ... stranger.

I guess that person would know instinctively that there's something very sad about that woman if he saw her.... she isn't trying to be an 'older woman after a younger man'. It might touch his heart to be reminded of her son who died... if he had enough time to ever know. We never know what other people are thinking when we happen to see ... 'someone looking at us'.

They may be trying to 'see mama'.... 'see little John'.... 'see daddy'... or one of their most loved ones who have gone. They may have a Tommy they are trying to see.

Just for a few moments I get to see my son 'walking, talking, smiling'... I have just a few moments to 'pretend' he isn't dead... a few moments to see a living Tommy. For a few moments... I am 'Mama' again.

'Seeing Tommy'... just for a few moments I can be 'Mama' again, and .... Tommy's still here... again. I try to make those moments stretch as long as I can.

I miss seeing, hearing my own son... talking to him. All I have now are the glimpses of Tommy ... in strangers I see everywhere. When I am 'seeing Tommy'.

1 comment:

  1. If anyone can understand you looking for "Tommy" in strangers I do! For the past 8 years I have been looking at people that look like my nephew. I once saw one guy that looked so much like him I had to do a "double take"! He even had on a pair of glasses that looked just like the ones my nephew wore. Now that was scary! I still look sometimes. I think that is just normal for people that have lost someone that love dearly with their own hearts. I have seen a couple of people that look like Tommy. It was strange because I know he is gone but it was nice to see someone that looked like him. It was like he was still here. We know is gone so I just think it was nice to be able to see someone looking familiar. Love, Ms. Nancy