Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Patch Of Fog...

Patch Of Fog...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

I went closer to see what lay behind
The patch of white fog, I wondered if it was a sign
It wasn't very big, nor was it small
It was the size of a person that was tall

I squinted my eyes as my feet took me there
I could almost imagine I saw blonde hair
Are those blue-green eyes I see
Is that a grin smiling back at me?

The fog turned into the shape of a man
Do I see Tommy, oh yes.. I can!
My son has come to visit me
It means so much, can't you see?

Tears fill my eyes, I feel strong emotion in my chest
I am weak, I have to sit down to rest
On the chair close by, before I faint
I want to hold onto him, but... I can't

Tommy, please don't go, please stay
I cried as ... he slowly went away
He came to let me know
That he loved his mama, but.. he had to go

The fog slowly disappeared, left me there
Where it went I know not where
For a moment I saw Tommy
I thought I heard him say... 'I'm Tommy, I want my mommy'

He used to say that as a child
When he did, my face would open up into a smile
How I loved you, my son
My only child... my only one

Monday, July 30, 2012

It's Time To Meet Victoria... A Different Kind Of Beautiful, Young Woman

It's Time To Meet Victoria... A Different Kind Of Beautiful, Young Woman

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

Writing, thinking in the night......... I want to write a story about a most unusual young woman.  A young woman who was beautiful... one you'd think would be surrounded in nothing but, the best in her life....

She did have the best... she could have had anything she wanted... she knew how to play the game... after all, she was taught by the best as a little girl.... she got to watch, learn.  Victoria didn't want to be deceitful, ruthless in her desires to have the best.  She didn't think it was right to 'fool men' into thinking she loved them to get their money, material things.

If Victoria had been 'bad'..... Victoria would have had many material things.  Men made offers, gave gifts to her all through her life... most she'd refuse, most she would gently hand back saying 'I really can't take that from you'.  She just couldn't ...

She never took advantage of men.... it was too easy.  She didn't think it was right.... though she learned how as a small girl.  Beautiful women could have anything they wanted.... men always told her they loved to walk into a room with her.... and watch people's heads turn to watch her. They 'tried to buy' her... Victoria wasn't 'selling'........

She was 'beauty that one finds in ugly surroundings'... that when first seeing... a person stops in his tracks to stare... wonder 'how this beautiful young woman come to be ... here'?  A young woman whose heart and soul was... just as beautiful... no matter how bad, how ugly things were.  She was where beautiful women wouldn't be... because she couldn't take advantage of others... her heart wouldn't let her.  She had a conscience.

That's not to say that this young beautiful woman was 'perfect'.  She was not... not at all.  In fact, if pushed..... she could hold her ground.  Also.... she rarely lost her temper... but, when she did.... people left her alone.  'Three' was her magic number.... she always tried to let a person go as far as ... three times... before losing her temper with them.  She always tried to give them the benefit of the doubt.

She usually won her battles in life... though what she went through to do so...............  She had 'steel' as some people would say.... though one 'couldn't see it'... who ever thinks a soft, feminine, beautiful young woman 'could be so strong'?

Victoria was the exception.....  she could wear beautiful clothes with grace... she could take her high heels off in a minute, let her hair down just as fast... if she had to, wanted to.  Victoria loved to do things other women didn't... she loved being in a man's world.  She quickly put men in their place when trying to 'cross the line'.  Just because she was beautiful... didn't mean she was 'easy'.

Read about Victoria, a beautiful young woman who 'comes home to mama'... to her mother's home.  She loved her mama dearly.  No matter what, Victoria loved her mama.  She was about to see 'no matter what'..........................

Read about everyday struggles in Victoria's life as she tried to survive ... she never used her beauty to survive.  Everyday was a struggle, though there were happy times, funny times.... devastating times..........

She loved coming to mama's house, everything was always so immaculate, clean, sparkling.  Her mother had taught her how to clean house at an earlier age... Victoria always kept a beautiful house through the years.

She saw her parents, brother drive up.  Thank-God for them, she cried inside.  She was going home with them... now, everything was............ 'going to be alright'.  Lacey, her little brother was looking at her through the car window with tears in his eyes... for her!  She felt such love in her heart for him... this little brother loved her with his heart... she loved him the same way.

Victoria was in a state of shock, her life completely changed.  She'd just weathered one of the worst storms in her life... she had made a choice that had put her in a bad light... she had no choice.  Sometimes life was like that... all she knew to do was to 'go with the flow'.... like a river flowing freely... without a dam.

Mama, thank-God... you are here.  Mama, I needed you.  She saw their faces.... faces she knew and loved with her heart.... mama, daddy, Lacey... her next to youngest brother.  She wanted to see Wayne, her baby brother.... he was in school.

Victoria was again... on another path in her life, another journey.  Victoria's life was unusual, different from anyone else's.  From a tiny child.... her life was different.  As a child she learned how it felt to live in.... hell.  As an adult........................

Now.... it's time for Victoria's story to unfold.  Again.... another unusual journey was beginning in Victoria's life.

Mama's Sparkling Clean House... Chapter 2

Mama's Sparkling Clean House...     Chapter 2

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

She awoke to someone screaming, cussing early the next morning.  She was shaking inside, outside.  She laid there listening..... these were 'those sounds she remembered as as little girl'...that she used to wake up to.  She hadn't heard them for many years.

Victoria felt afraid, nervous... she could hear her mother screaming at her little brother to ... clean up the cat s___.  Her mother had close to thirty cats... they all had run of the house.  Victoria's stomach was a nervous wreck, she felt nauseated.  She cared for her little brothers who had to clean up cat ____.

It seemed the cats were most important there.  Victoria didn't care now, as she would have in the past.  Victoria was so thankful, grateful to have a... family... to come home to.  She was so thankful that she didn't have to be alone, could be around someone that was ... hers.  They weren't perfect, neither was she.

She heard one of her brothers, Lacey, protesting.  "It's just not fair, it's just not fair for me to have to clean up the cat ___, mama", he cried out.  "They are your damn cats"!

Mama screamed at him... "you clean that cat ___ up, anyway"!  Her mother was a beautiful woman, a good woman.  There were times though.... the woman she knew as her mama... seemed to be ... another person.  What happened to you, mama?

Mama used to keep a 'perfect' house... immaculate.  She remembered how wonderful it used to be to 'come home to mama's'.  Her house would be sparkling clean, smell so good, all in place ... so pretty.  That was when mama used to be happy.

Now... mama's house was completely the opposite.  It had bad smells now, there were places on the floor that Victoria tried not to see.... cat feces.  Her eyes tried not to see the walls where the cats 'sprayed'.  Cats were everywhere, on the countertops, on the dining table, 'everywhere'.  Oh mama, what happened to you?

Victoria's mind was reeling from the new things she was seeing, learning this time.... 'coming home to mama's'.  She was in shock, though not to hurt her parents, she pretended 'not to see things'.  She couldn't imagine her mama ever living like this.  What happened?

Victoria... would see things, when talking... she would pretend not to see, make herself look at her parents.  Her stomach felt so sick inside.  She thought she'd lived in hell as a little girl......

Victoria had learned through the years how to pretend 'everything was alright'... when it wasn't.  When she talked to her mama, her father... Victoria pretended she was in a beautiful place, all beautiful around them.

To a stranger's eyes they would see a beautiful young woman who sat and talked with such respect to her parents.  They would see the love, caring in her eyes.... sometimes if they looked close enough... they would see the shock, the pain in them.  Victoria had just weathered one of the worst storms in her life... now... she was 'safe' at her mother's home.

Victoria was thankful, grateful to be there.  She didn't judge, she made her mind not think about the awful things she saw, smelled.  She loved her parents, her brothers.... to be here with them meant the world to her.  She felt protected.

The first night she spent there, she slept on a old twin mattress on the floor.  On the floor where the cats were at, where the cats ______.  Strangely enough... Victoria couldn't see, nor smell... Victoria came home to her parents in a state of shock.  She couldn't look back ... she had to go forward.

All Victoria could think of was ...'thank you, mama and daddy... thank you for saving me'.

Earlier in the day while standing outside in the beautiful sunshine, Victoria was in a deep shock.  Her parents had to drive two hours to get to her, she had to wait... wait to be where she felt safe, not so vulnerable to the world.

The world had treated her unkindly... she didn't ask for that... yet, she didn't fight what happened to her.  Victoria was going to get through this storm, just as she'd weathered the other storms... since she was a little girl.   What hurt her so much was that the decision she'd made today was one that put her in a bad light... when she didn't deserve it.  To walk away... she had no choice.

Victoria stood in the sunshine, felt the wind blowing a strand of hair on her cheek.... she froze.  I feel the wind blowing my skin, blowing my hair... my skirt against my legs... she thought.  She put her hand softly up to her cheek to touch where the wind caressed her cheek.  It felt wet.....

Oh God... that feels beautiful.  Tears slid down her face as she cried silently.  She held herself straighter, took deep breaths.  Please hurry, please come on to get me, mama.  I need you so much.

The car drove up to the curb where Victoria was standing.  Through the shock she saw three faces .... three faces of caring that she was hurting, three faces who would protect her now.  It was mama, daddy, and Lacey... one of her little brothers.

They got out of the car and walked toward her, they hugged her.  She felt loved, safe now.  They led her to their car, helped her in.  Victoria was going home to mama's, everything was going to be alright.

It had been years since Victoria had come to mama's house, mama's wonderful, sparkling clean house.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

She Woke In The Night To A Sound... Chapter One

She Woke In The Night To A Sound...... Chapter One

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

She woke up to the nightlight burning in her room.  Her dog lay beside her sleeping.  Something woke her up, what?

She looked around her room.. all was neat, organized.  There was a gate on her doorway... to keep her dog inside the room.  She didn't want him to run free, to get hit by a car.  He was so special to her.

She heard the sound again, looked to the source.  In the nightlight she saw something she'd never seen in her life.  On the bucket of water she kept for her dog... were three huge .... rats up on the edge... drinking the water.  Oh my God, she thought.

Her dog didn't wake up, he'd become used to the huge rats that would come in the night to search for his food, drink his water.

Victoria laid there quietly, a sick sensation in her stomach.  She didn't want to wake her dog, Garraway, up.  Nor did she want to wake up her parents, brothers.

She'd told her father about the rats that visited her room at nights.... he never did anything about it.  Her mother would become defensive when she mentioned the rats to her.

Victoria had come to live with her parents, they took her in when she had no place to go.  She was so grateful to them, she tried never to complain.  She learned to quit telling them the things she saw in the night.  Her dog, Garraway, seemed to resign himself, also.  They stayed quiet.

She shuddered as she closed her eyes... 'please Lord, don't let them touch me or Garraway' .. she prayed.  She was so thankful to be here, rats and all.  She kept her eyes closed, her hand on her dog, petting him for comfort until her hand slowly lay still... Victoria had fallen asleep.

Victoria had no idea of the things she'd encountered on this new path life had put her on.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I'll Spank-Spank Your Tail !

I'll Spank-Spank Your Tail!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I woke up this morning with a heavy pressure on my head, my toes felt numb... I couldn't move.  What's wrong with me! What's wrong with me!

My mind was trying to identify the 'pressure', the 'numbness' as I fought to raise myself from the bed.  I realized that I was 'on the very edge' of the bed, almost falling off.

I just couldn't understand... I was trying to wake up.  The pressure lifted off my head and as quickly... I felt a pain in my back as it 'fell' on my side, slid down my back... the pressure was on my back, pushing me from my warm, comfortable place in bed.  It hurt so much!

Oh.... my poor toes!  Why were they so numb, they seemed to be coming alive just as.... I felt a 'raking' on the calf of my leg!  What in the world?

I wanted to sleep longer, I looked up at the clock ... it was only 4:00 am.  I laid there as I felt 'the pressure' become more intense in my back, almost pushing me out of bed, onto my feet.  The pressure... the pain.....

It really was hurting me, I was in physical discomfort!  The 'raking' sensation' had left my calf.  My toes felt ... awful.  They were numb, stiff....

I wiggled them, stretched them to no avail.  The numbness was staying.  I tried to 'push' back against 'the pressure' in my back.  It was definitely staying.... I relaxed, found that 'maybe' I could lay there... just a little longer.

I made it to 5:00 am, until I couldn't take it any longer!  The very real discomfort of pain, pressure, numbness had taken its toll on my body.  I had to get up.

I didn't have far to go... there was only several inches between me.... and the air that ..... led to the floor.  I was getting ready to be another victim!

Another victim to hit the floor at ...... Kissy Fairchild's paws!  Skip was his first victim some time ago!

The 'pressure' on my head was Kissy sitting... yes, literally sitting on my head!  Sitting ...on... my... head!  That big, giant (two adjectives, but... it's needed here!  :))) .... Pup was actually sitting on my head.  I know he was smiling as he did!

I tried to move my head and began pushing him.... he went to my back and 'fell' on my side, slid his body down onto the bed as tight as he could be to me!  He isn't aware of his strength!  More pressure on/in my back ... pushing me out of bed.

I held my ground for an hour... while Sweet Chadwick 'worked on my feet'!  He was laying on my feet, numbing my toes to where I couldn't feel them anymore!

When I wouldn't get up, he took his slender paw, began using it like a hand, 'raking' my leg to tell me to 'get up'.

I 'held my ground for one hour' before I had to let go.... I had to give up.  They won!  As I got up from the bed, they began to wrestle in glee!

Those Pups had won, they 'knew' it!  They were 'laughing and giggling' as I got up.... I 'know' they were.

I walked over to Skip's side of the bed... he seemed to have plenty of room 'for one time' :)))  They must have decided to give him a break because he is sick.

I bent down to see his face in the nightlight, to make sure he was breathing, sleeping okay.  We've always done this through time, as we both have been very ill from time to time.

Skip was sleeping quietly, I heard him breathing softly.  My heart felt good about him, and I smiled with love for him.  I quietly tiptoed out of the room... to the bathroom to brush my teeth!

When I first get up I have to brush my teeth... feel the cleanliness, freshness of having done so.  I love to brush my teeth just as I love my shower.... bubbles ... happy bubbles!

Yes, my teeth are real... I have most all my teeth.  I was asked that several times... I thought I would mention it while I had opportunity to do so!  :)))   I couldn't brush them if I didn't, ha!

While I brushed them... I thought .... I now know what... toothpaste must feel like.  When we put pressure on the tube to squeeze it out to go on the brush!  Kissy was putting pressure on me, squeezing me out of the bed!

Do you know why?  Because those Pups wanted their breakfast!

P. S.

 UPDATE:    Just as I ended this... guess who came up the hall, entered the living room to jump on me?  Kissy!  He ran to 'big- foot me', land on my lap with part of his huge body.  He's so big!

Not only that!  I heard Skip coming behind him saying 'here comes me and Kissy'!  My heart felt good hearing his voice... his voice sounds strong again!

He came into the living room to sit on the couch....smiling at Kissy on my lap, 'bigfooting' me.  Chadwick sat on the couch behind him to snuggle.

I asked Skip how did he feel this morning.... Skip feels so much better!  He drank Pedialyte, Gingerale, and had Gatorade last night.  He just told me that he ate a bowl of Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup while I was asleep last night.

Thank-you, Barbara ... I was so worried when Skip didn't want to go to the ER... when you called me, I felt calmer.  You helped me while I was in Walmart trying to pick out what would help him.

So, at this very moment... all is well in Granny Gee's life... she is smiling in happiness.  Skip is almost well, strong again.  In happiness I just 'spank-spanked' Kissy's ..... 'star' butt!

Saying 'I'll spank-spank your tail'!  He loves it!

P.P.S....... it made me think of Tommy.  He would have answered in a laughing voice if someone told him that.... and say .... 'don't threaten me with a good time'!!!

I had to add this, Tommy was so funny, full of jokes, and a wonderful sense of humor.  He and Skip loved to try to out-do each other.... when Tommy would use Skip's good jokes, or sayings..... Skip would say 'he's using my jokes'!  and grin!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Perpetual Grief... Tears

Perpetual Grief.....Tears

When I begin to feel better, sigh with relief
I'm back in the spin of ... never-ending perpetual grief

I can't seem to be free of pain through all these years
I have learned my best friends are grief and tears

I've always been told to choose my friends with care
watch out for 'bad' people, just beware

Never did I hear of the 'friends' that chose me
Perpetual grief, tears that won't let me be

Perpetual grief, tears that dominate my life
while I keep trying to be a good person, a good wife

They threaten to overwhelm me, pull me down
I get up, dust my pants as I ... look around

Life... I will meet you 'head-on', you've hurt me so much
I still love you, I'm positive too, happy colors and ... such!

Perpetual grief... and tears... I will know always
I'm going to be alright, I mean to for the rest of my ... days

I Love You, Skip... I Hope You Feel Better Today

I Love You, Skip... I Hope You Feel Better Today

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

My feelings this morning are 'blue' as the morning sky.  Skip got overheated yesterday and was sick all evening, night.  He doesn't feel well this morning.  I worry about him.  Skip is my world, he and our Pups are all I have.

I can't think of what my world would be without them.  I won't think any farther because, I see the color 'black'.... darkness.  I am going to 'stay in today, now'... the possibility of wonder happy colors could happen any moment now....

For even one pup,or Skip to be sick... causes alarm in me.  I begin to worry, I won't relax until I see Skip feel better, 'know' he is really better.  I will constantly monitor him without him knowing it.... by feeling, sensing, listening.

He didn't realize it was as hot as it was yesterday.  I understand 'why'.  Sitting under the tree on the picnic table yesterday was pleasant.  A nice breeze was blowing to cool one's skin.  Talking to friends while being out and about, standing out in the hot sun wasn't a good idea... especially when the heat index was the highest.

In my mind as I look at Skip... I visualize a 'golden circle of protection' around him as he moves around in daily life.  I've done that always... visualize a golden circle around my loved ones, strangers, animals too close to the road... even myself from time to time, if I remember 'me'.

I visualize a golden circle 'around my readers'.... my family..... strangers... I have to 'feel' all of you because I can't see and know everyone of you.  I'm happy to say that I know alot of 'you'.

You all mean the world to me.... my color for you in my mind when I think of .......'all of you'........ is.... sunshine yellow.  You are the sunshine in my life each day... when you comment to me... the sun shines even brighter.

You are very important to me.  I have to stop from time to time to tell you... you just wouldn't know this if I didn't tell you.  You all mean the world to me.  Pure yellow, happy sunshine.

This morning I lay awake as I listened to Skip.  I could tell he didn't feel well by the way he was sleeping.  I woke up through the night when he got up.  I felt my heart 'squeezing' in worry.....

As I lay there, thoughts were flitting through my mind about what to write about today.  My thoughts were like a flock of birds... each paused long enough for me to 'see' it... to know 'what each bird was about'.....  alot of those birds had dark colors... colors I don't want to see.

Some began to be pink, green, white, yellow, fuschia, blue, orange, red, violet.... happy colors.  Some of those 'birds' began to be funny, happy, entertaining.

I'm not always sad, it's not my nature to feel sad, unhappy all the time.  I do have alot of happy colors to write about.... sometimes, it's hard to get back to them.

I heard Skip softly moan in his sleep.  I knew he wasn't feeling well, I reached my hand out to touch his head, gently rub his forehead.  Softly, I told him 'I'm sorry you aren't feeling well'.

Skip is all happy colors in my life... so, are our two Pups.  When I'm with them, my world is alright... even when it isn't always.

I hope you feel so much better today, my husband.  I love you.  You are my very world.  I love you with my very heart.  Love Your Wife, Gloria

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Patches Of Darkness...

Patches Of Darkness...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Yesterday, I managed to go through the day feeling good.  Several times I 'felt the darkness', I pushed it away.

Last night I needed to go through my photos to pick several of Tommy, Taban, McKenzie, Skip and I... to send to someone who doesn't have photos of them.  No one sent photos to him, he is a non-person to them... just as we have become since Tommy died.  

While looking at them, I became sidetracked.... by grief.  I felt an overwhelming wave of grief splash over me, enveloping me in a suffocating vacuum.  My heart hurt in my chest, I felt so faint, my head began to hurt immensely.

I am feeling it now, as I write.  I found several photos of Tommy ... when he first began driving a big truck.  He was so proud.  He was so happy ... then.  I looked like his sister, instead of his mother.  People never believed I had a son his age... how we used to enjoy laughing in a happy way about that!

My son... I've said it many times, I've thought it many times... I miss you so much.  I see other sons in my everyday life...  I can't help but, to notice.  I wish for my son, whom I was so proud of, loved with my very heart.

I just became aware of 'me'... I propped my elbow on my desk, hand under my chin... my eyes were closed... feeling some relief from the instant headache that came on again this morning.

Grief... grief does strange things to one.  It's sometimes like wading out in the water, going out farther than intended.  Getting in water over your head, panicking..... your heart is beating so fast, your breath is cut short and your lungs are burning for air.  Your head begins 'splitting open' with a terrible headache.  'I hurt so bad' .... your mind screams.

I have become aware of 'me' again... my elbow is again on my desk as this time my hand is covering my eyes, fingers massaging my forehead trying to rub the pain, the hurt away.  Even my eyes hurt, they are dampened with my tears.

I want to just lay down and cry myself back to sleep.  I just may do that shortly.  Sometimes one can only pretend so long.... sometimes one has to 'give in'... at least alittle to 'let some of the grief' out..... like a kettle sitting on the stove steaming... one needs to vent it, turn it off.

I know I will be alright again... it's not like 'before' when for months.... I wouldn't be alright.  'Now'... I know that I will be alright even in hours, or a day, or several days.  That's so much better than 'months'.

You are reading the words of a grieving mother... you are reading the very real words of 'how it feels'.  I still haven't found on the internet anything from a grieving mother in 'real words describing the pain'.... it may have helped me to understand more the grieving process.

Who knows... maybe my words 'telling it like it really is' will be read by a mother who has lost her child when she is desperately trying to find comfort, just something to hang onto like a life raft, helping her to come back, to not drown like I did.

I still 'drown'... today is July 26, 2012.  Tommy died (that word provokes a heart-wrenching reaction in me)........ May 29, 2010.

Died... died... died....... death.... son...  my son died...  oh my God, my son died.  Tommy, please don't be dead!  Please come back.  Your photos are so real to me, I 'know you', you are my own flesh and blood... I can't believe you... died.  Oh Tommy!

I don't even bother to ask 'why'?  I haven't asked 'why' since Tommy's been gone.  I know I won't have a satisfactoy answer to my question.  Sometimes I do ask 'is he really dead... is it possible he's here and I don't know it'?

My mind goes back for the three years he was missing as a young boy... he came back... could he come back ...now?  Is he 'just missing'?

In my mind I see 'the box over there to the right of me'.  There's alot of light there... but, my eyes refuse to look.  I can't look... even now in my mind... I avert my eyes and turn my head to the ... left.  I don't want to see..... my son lying there 'in that box'.... dead.  That word 'dead'........ that word.

I have just sit here crying silently... I always cry silently so, I don't cause grief to anyone else.  I don't want to upset our Pups who are lying here near me.  If Skip were to walk in the room... I would begin to smile at him.  He doesn't have to know... it hurts him so much to see me cry.  I don't want to ever hurt Skip.

He is my very life, him and our Pups.  They are my 'ship' that keeps me from drowning in the ocean of grief.  I don't want to be in the deep, dark waters of grief... sometimes, I have no choice... somehow I step 'off my ship'... I try to fight to get back on it.... without calling for help... without letting Skip know.

At this moment ... mentally, I'm 'pulling myself back up the netting' hand over hand 'to get back aboard my 'ship'.  What made me fall off 'this time'?

It began yesterday morning... I managed to push it back until... yesterday evening.  Sleep was a blessing last night...

Do I sound crazy?  If I do... then... maybe I am.  Maybe really... I'm not.  I'm in both physical and mental pain... my body and my mind hurt at the same time.  It's quite a combination...

I realize what has happened... I think when one begins to 'realize what is happening'.... that it means 'half the battle is won'.  I wonder if 'half my battle' grieving ... is won?

Honestly... I think I've really come so far on this 'healing path'.... in my mind I'm seeing so much sunshine, light on it.  It used to be 'all dark' and as I inched forward in my mind... it began to have little splashes of light, sunshine I could see in the distance.

It took forever to get to a 'lighted path'......... 'now' my path is full of sunshine, in the distance I can 'see little splashes of darkness' I will have to travel through.  I will continue 'forward'.... I will face the darkness I'll have to travel through to get to the other side.

Writing.... sitting here in my own little world with my thoughts... putting my thoughts into words.  I'm like the little kettle sitting on the stove steaming... as I write my words, I'm 'venting, turning me off'.  The pressure is going away now... I'm going to be alright.  I feel it as it goes away at this very moment.

I didn't have to affect anyone else with my grief, hurt them or make them sad.  I'm so glad.  It's 'all been quiet'.....

I am looking ahead in my mind, I think I may have just traveled to the end of this 'patch' of darkness 'for now'.  I know many patches are ahead... but, the distance through them... will be shorter.  I'm really going to be alright... and it's all been ... quiet.

There's sunshine now, ahead... I can build more strength to be stronger... before I enter the patches of darkness that are still on my healing path.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Whispers From My Mind...

Whispers From My Mind...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This morning while we ate breakfast, fed the pups, my mind has been busy.  Thoughts have been softly flowing through my mind... you know... like little banners being pulled through the air by small airplanes (of different colors, of course!).  My stories are the colors of my life.

Scary thoughts, some not scary... but, 'thoughts that I don't want to think about, things I keep pushed 'way back' in my mind' ... doors are trying to open in my mind.... many, many doors in the hallways of my mind.

Each hallway represents a year of my life... each hallway holds many, many doors that are closed on every journey I've taken in my life......  good journeys, bad journeys.... I've walked many paths in my life.

Mentally, I am shutting the doors as quickly as they are opened.  Mentally, I see me running as fast as I can, grabbing each doorknob, slamming the doors closed.  Don't open!  Don't open!  Don't open, my mind silently screams.

I don't want to think about bad things today, I don't want to write about 'bad' things... not today.  I just want ... to be happy.

I just simply... want to be happy today.  Bad things pull me back down... toward the darkness.  I've been up here in the sunshine for some time now... I want to stay... here.

Can't I just simply stay here and ...be happy, never think about things that have hurt, almost destroyed 'me'?

Constantly... whispers of the past flow through every hallway in my mind... always trying to make its way up to my consciousness.  When I become aware of them, I run to push each back into the doorway they escaped from.

My mind begins to feel pain, my soul like a candle begins to 'lose light' ... the darkness begins.  I run as hard as I can through the hallway I'm in... to get back here to the light, the sunlight.... being Skip and our Pups.

I'm breathless, my heart beating faster, my stomach full of butterflies... as I run, run fast as the wind in my mind.  Let me get back to the sunlight, I don't want to stay here now.

Before.... 'before'.... before Tommy died, his light was part of the light in my world... making it brighter for him being in it.  When he died, I never fought at all to come out of the darkness I was thrown in... strangely enough, I went into that darkness with a ... smile.

A smile on my face as I read on the caller ID that it was Tommy calling me from the beach.  I was smiling as the stranger told me..... 'ma'am, I've got a man here collapsed here on the beach, he's not breathing'.

I smiled my way into darkness as I lost all connection to my world... my life.  I wonder where that smile went... I forgot it completely as I became 'lost' for over two years.

At this moment I think.... I can't ever forget that phone call... I was 'standing in sunshine' until the words from that stranger sent me crashing 'into the most darkest of worlds'.  Smile and ... all.

Whispers..... whispers.... whispers from the past keep trying to flow up here to my consciousness... I'm becoming very weary now, of having to run back and forwards closing those doors that have opened a crack, those doors that are threatening to open.

I feel my head beginning to feel achy, my eyes have become full of tears, my shoulders begin to slump, my throat is closing with emotion ...........  I'm on the brink.....

I am taking deep breaths as I tell myself.... 'I mean not to listen to the whispers in my mind'.  I don't want to be sad, I don't want to grieve today, I don't want to be in the darkness today.

Something tries to make me just 'let go', blend back into the darkness, lay there crying my heart out.... I feel it strongly.  I miss Tommy, I miss my son... it really hurts so badly.  This could be one of those times.... I can only pretend so much.

I look out my window as my fingers press the keys... I look up at the sky, treetops... I look down to the grass outside the window.  I see a car pass by on the highway.  All the while I am taking deep breaths... I want to have a good day... I want my light to shine... maybe someone seeing it could possibly feel better for it.  I know I could.

I am going to get busy now..... I need to draw, paint, walk, see happy colors to help me not listen... to the whispers in my mind.

I am looking into a hallway of my life... it's when I was younger, when I did alot of colorful, happy artwork.... I am seeing smiles from people who loved it, making me smile back.

I am feeling much better now, though my body 'feels the effects of whatever it is I just went through'..... as I listen to these ..... whispers in my mind.

I will enter this room for a little while to become inspired, motivated to .... go through this day.  I will go forward, not dwell on what just happened to me.... I won this time... I'm going to be happy today.

I'm hearing good whispers from my mind now.  :)))

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I Earned The Right To Use That Word!

I Earned The Right To Use That Word...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

At this very moment, I am sitting here thinking about the phone call I received yesterday evening.  I have one word for it... "damn"!

You know I use that one word when I am disgusted, or when something happens out of my control... it's not meant to be ugly at all.  It's a word I feel I earned the right to use as a little five year old girl.

I sat playing with my tea set under the huge oak tree in front of my home.  I was sitting on a white sandy spot in the grass... the sand became 'tea' for my tiny teacups.  As I sat there drinking 'tea', an idea came to me.  Actually, a vision came into my mind.......

My Grandma Alma....  I saw her take a little shiny tin can from her dress pocket.  I was fascinated as I watched her take the little lid off with her good hand.  She laid the lid down on her lap so, it wouldn't become lost as she....   I was really watching her good hand now.

That good hand raised the little shiny tin can up to her mouth!  She tilted that little can until something brown began falling into her mouth, her lip.. as she pulled on her lip all the while holding that little can.

"I want some!  Grandma, I want some"!  Grandma Alma looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes, told me no, that I couldn't have any.  Of course, I asked 'why'... she told me that I couldn't have any of that snuff because it would make me sick.

Sitting there with my tea set with my cups full of sand.... in my eyes my cups held tea, and whatever I wanted in them.  My eyes began to see something else.... snuff!

I was seeing in my mind my Grandma Alma putting that snuff inside her lip.  I was going to dip snuff!  I took the tiny cup of 'snuff', raised it to my mouth... pulled my lip forward... dumped that cup of 'snuff' into it!

"Damn"!  I was choking... I began using the new word I'd heard someone say.  I was saying 'damn, damn, damn'! as I was jerked up by strong arms.  I heard my mama tell me that was a bad word, that I wasn't going to be saying that word!  She was going to 'wash it right out of my mouth'!

She rushed me to the bathroom sink, grabbed the bar of Ivory soap, handed it to me.  "Wash your mouth out with this soap", she said in a furious voice.  She made me wash my mouth out with Ivory soap to get that word out of it!

I was mad by now... I'd been choking on my 'snuff', and now, choking and wanting to throw up from Ivory soap in my mouth.  Bubbles were coming out of my mouth!

As my mama helped me to rinse out my mouth to finish cleaning that 'dirty' word out.... I kept thinking 'damn, damn, damn'!  I didn't dare to say it aloud... I didn't like the taste or how that Ivory soap felt in my mouth!

Yesterday evening when I hung up my cellphone, I said 'damn'!  I was just told that Curves had just closed its doors for the last time.  I'd just been there earlier.  That place has meant so much to me... now, without notice.... it's not going to be open anymore.

It has made all the difference in my mental outlook since Tommy died.  I have been going for seventeen months now.  Not only that... it has made the difference in my weight, and being able to move my body better... my body stays full of pain.  There's never a minute without pain.

I fell on June 27th at Curves, hurting my left hip... adding more pain to pain.  My foot tripped on the recovery board next to one of the machines... the machine was too close to the board.

I know I am going to miss Curves, and I also, know that I will be walking now.  If I didn't... I would end up in a chair in my older age.....  like my mama, her siblings.  I call it 'the curse of the sisters'...

I don't want any part of being 'trapped in a chair' for the rest of my life.  Grandma Alma was trapped for the last twenty-some years of her life... paralyzed.  I feel like I'm suffocating when thinking about that.

I have to battle pain constantly from the surgeries I've undergone, never a minute goes by without ...pain.  I'm not complaining, mind you... I'm thankful to feel it... it means I'm here... I love life.  I will battle the pain, no matter how bad it hurts.

I have a heart condition due to adriamycin, one of the chemotherapy drugs used in my treatment. The type of exercises in Curves was 'just right' for me.  Thankfully, I had begun walking so, I have that to fall back on... so, everything is going to be alright.

I am going to miss Curves... 'damn'!  :)))  I don't mean that to be ugly!

Monday, July 23, 2012

My Short Legs Walk Tall...

My Short Legs Walk Tall...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I am five feet, one ... AND one half inches tall.  I'm very tall for my height.  The ground I stand on .... I can hold ... 'unless I'm pushed off'!  :)))

I walk tall... making people sometimes say 'I thought you were taller'.  When I feel my best I try to 'project myself as being taller'... try it sometimes, it really works!

I've been walking 'short' since Tommy died... I haven't felt my best.  I gained weight, I didn't care if my hair was fixed (but, I did care if it was clean!).  I didn't wear make-up anymore, nor did I care what I wore.

I've seen shock in people's eyes that have known me from 'before'..... that's alright... I was shocked, too... when I began caring again about how I look.  Now... I'm seeing surprise in people's eyes... that means maybe they are seeing a difference, a positive difference in me ...now.

I don't apologize for looking so bad for so long... I 'know inside' I'm lucky to have 'looked any kind of way at all'.... I quit caring when my only child, my son... Tommy, died.  Not only that... if I hadn't had Skip and our two Pups, Kissy and Chadwick... I would have never been writing here.... nor ... would I have been 'looking so bad'...

I had completely quit ... for the second time in my life I wasn't afraid of dying...myself.  My son was gone... oh my God, can you imagine a real part of your very life 'being gone' like that?

Unless it happens to you, you can't even imagine.... I 'know'... I always 'mentally try to walk in others' shoes' if I've never experienced something.

It's no where like you imagine... when the 'real thing' happens, it's nothing like you are thinking.

Do you know 'why'?  Because you aren't feeling the very pain, grief, anguish that comes with 'just imagining'... you are only 'thinking'... if thinking hurts, you 'can't imagine' how really losing someone hurts... actually 'feeling the pain, grief, anguish'.

Getting back to walking tall while being short.... I'm walking tall again!  I feel it as 'I am pulling myself back together'... inside, outside I have, am becoming much, much stronger.

I 'have helped myself' do this.... if one doesn't help themselves they'll be like I was.... 'looking so bad, overweight, not caring at all'.  I understand now 'why'... I feel such compassion.

For me, I was the next thing to ... death... I'd quit caring the day the stranger on Tommy's cellphone told me 'ma'am, I have a man collapsed here on the sand.. he's not breathing'.

My life stopped then.... to be truthful here... I 'almost' let myself die... thank-God Skip was monitoring me... I didn't even know he was there.  Skip is my hero, has been many times in my life.

I was just looking at my short legs thinking even at my best ... I was glad I was short.  :)))  Yes, I'm proud to be 'short'.  I don't have to duck to go under things Skip has to duck for.  I don't hit my head on things 'up there'!

'Sometimes' I have really wondered though... 'how it'd feel to have long legs' for a little while... I wondered this when reaching for something up in the cabinet, or wondered 'what' someone could see 'up there' being taller.

I even felt excited alittle bit thinking how 'wonderful it must feel to have long legs'.... until I think about falling down.  That's a long way to fall when you are so tall... I don't have far to go.

Thank-God, I am short because I can have my cake and eat it, too.  I can be short and let my short legs walk 'tall'......   :)))

Starbutts versus Starbucks....

Starbutts versus Starbucks...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I love Starbucks... I love to stand, look at the menu deciding on which special flavor I want today.  I love the wonderful aroma in Starbucks... coffee!

There's another place I love to go in, to smell the wonderful aroma of coffee.  That's Dunkin' Donuts... I love Dunkin' Donuts coffee.  The flavor, the smell, the smoothness of that coffee.... so good!  So cosy, so warm, so..... happy!

Just put cream until my coffee is 'light'... no sugar, please.  I don't want sweet coffee though.... strangely enough, for comfort... ever so often I will put some sugar in.  Normally, I don't want it.

Starbucks is a special place to me... I love the one at the Triangle Towne Mall... I like to 'walk by it' before... entering.  I like to just savor every moment of a special time... so, I don't 'just rush in'.

When I walk by it, turn around to come back, I enter slowly... my eyes taking in the specialness of the decor of Starbucks, the colors, the tables, people sitting enjoying their coffees, frappes.

I begin scanning the menu for something 'to pop' out to me... something different, special.  If that doesn't happen, I will choose a regular coffee.  Most of the time though, I will pick something 'so different'... I love new things, 'different' things.

Skip will stick with the traditional, and 'known'... I will most always go for something 'new, unusual, different'.... :)))  It's my way!

I've been thinking of something more special than Starbucks... there's a name for it... 'Starbutts'.

Yes, Starbutts.  It's a nickname I have given something that is so darn cute!  I see it everyday, it makes me smile.  Skip and I will both look at each other and say 'there goes Starbutts'!

It's like a burst of pattern... like a star... colored 'coffee' color.  It's perfectly shaped, when moving it goes 'this way, that way'.  We grin when we pay attention... it seems so cute, so 'spoiled', so .... precious!  The coloring is just... beautiful!

Kissy Fairchild, our 1 1/2 year old Rottie runs up to us to show us the chew/pacifier he has in his mouth.  He loves for us to tease him, pretending we will take it away from him.

One of us will 'try' to take it from his sweet, baby mouth... he'll shake that big head of his to hold onto it.... hold it with the strength even he isn't aware of having.  Oh, that special Kissy Fairchild, he's something else.

At night-time, he has to have his chew... his pacifier.  As long as he has that he will lay down, go into a 'trance' while chewing it.  He can relax and go to sleep.

We can't take it if we forget to buy chews for Kissy... he will pace the floor, the bed looking for his chew/pacifier until he has 'driven us crazy'.  It drives us into saying 'never again will we forget to buy Kissy his chews'!

Kissy Fairchild will walk up to us on the bed... I know he is smiling as he holds that chew/pacifier in his mouth... and wait for one of us to 'try' to pull it from his mouth.  It must make it taste better, he'll turn around to go lay down.....

As he walks to lay down.... what is staring us in the face?  A burst of pattern... like a star... colored 'coffee' color.  It's perfectly shaped, when moving it goes 'this way, that way'.

We call him 'Starbutts'.......  :)))  I love Starbutts .... more than Starbucks because who could ask for more 'specialness' than seeing a burst of pattern... like a star... colored 'coffee' color,  perfectly shaped, when moving it goes 'this way, that way'. No, Starbucks 'doesn't have anything' on Starbutts'!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

'It'll Be Like It's Supposed To Be'...

'It'll Be Like It's Supposed To Be'...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Well!  Remember how I sabatoged my copier/scanner/printer/fax machine the other day when picking it up, began carrying it with me... ripping the cord out of the wall?

Remember, I had to order one?  Well, order it I did... I ordered a 'two-line conductor' (copper) phone cord... $7.00 plus shipping charges!

Shortly after I ordered it... I heard the phone ring, heard the... happy fax sound!  I 'knew' I couldn't receive a fax, nor could send one.  So.... I didn't go look.

Later in the day I walked into the living room and stood still, mouth wide-open... there sat a fax in the tray!  A fax came through!   I walked over to look closely to be sure I was seeing right... yes, it was a wonderful fax!

Now... how did that happen?  I went to my beloved computer and researched it.  It seems that HP says one needs a two-line conductor (copper wiring) in order to enable the machine to fax..... the tech who wrote the article said he didn't see 'why' one would need to have more than the ordinary phone line to fax...

Unless.... in a 'rare' case.  It seems my case wasn't rare.... our phone line worked perfectly.  That machine is faxing!


When that cord comes tomorrow, instead of 'putting it up' to never be seen again... I will use it.  I will connect it to the wall jack, then ...connect the regular phone line into it.  'It'll be like it is supposed to be'.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Hi, My Name Is Gloria...

Hi, My Name Is Gloria...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

He was sitting there in the old chair of faded brown, the material worn in many places.  There were spots all over it... the old chair had seen its better day.

The man sitting there was aged, he was also, faded from the day when he was young, strong, in his prime.  Now, he was as sad-looking as that old chair he sat in.

Skip and I walked up to him, began talking.  I noticed his hands, they were older hands that had seen lots of work in their lifetime.  Usually, Skip will introduce me to everyone he knows... he didn't get to this time.  We were enjoying talking to each other.

I walked toward him introducing myself... 'my name is Gloria, it's nice to meet you'.  The man looked down at his hands and said 'it's nice to meet you, too... my hands are too dirty to shake your hand'.

I smiled at him saying ...'your hands aren't too dirty to shake my hand'.  I took his hand and shook it.  He smiled the biggest of smiles that reached my heart.  'It's very nice to meet you, too', he said.  'My name is Wayne'.

Later when we were on our way home, I thought about this man, and how he looked as if he'd worked very hard in his life... I was honored to shake his hand... I didn't mind if it was 'dirty'.  I wouldn't have reached out to shake it, if I were going to be offended.

I reached out to shake his hand
wanting to introduce myself to this elderly man
'Hi, my name is Gloria', I said to him

The elderly man looked down... then, spoke to me
I would shake your hand but, mine are dirty, you see
I kept my hand outstretched to take his

'Your hands aren't too dirty to shake my my hand', I told him
He looked back down at them
Looked up, gave me his hand for me to shake

He smiled the biggest smile, said 'my name is Wayne'
'I'm so glad you came
Skip and I were glad we came, too

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

'Out Of The Blue'.....

'Out Of The Blue'...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

Standing in the middle of the living room, my ears caught the words 'shootings in Colorado' on the big screen tv.  I looked at the screen seeing people running, some had blood on them.  I could hear screaming, crying... see such chaos.

My heart began hurting for these people.  This is a path I've never been down in life... a path where I have been shot at, or wounded by bullets... or to die by bullets.

I can't imagine the panic, fear... running to flee the bullets, the madman behind them ... aiming for you, trying to .... kill you... 'you'.  I can't imagine how it feels to begin to become aware that someone is .... really trying to kill .... you.

I can ... try to imagine... that is more than I can bear.  I care, I feel, I'm so sorry bad things have happened 'out of the blue' to these people.

These people only went out to view a movie that they've waited for with intentions of seeing it.  They never wanted to 'become a part of it'.... a part of a madman's scheme.

One girl tweeted that in twenty minutes the movie would begin... she never knew how right she was.... she never knew she'd be an 'actor' in it... her life was taken.  She was a beautiful, young woman.... her life in front of her... it's gone now.

Last night as I watched 20/20... my eyes were riveted on a young man as they showed him.  I instantly burst into tears, sobbed uncontrollably.... I 'knew' that look, on his face as tears streamed from his eyes... eyes 'wide with shock' of not believing, nor wanting to know 'what has just happened'.

Tommy... Tommy.... my mind cried.  Tommy, that's the expression that was on my son's face when he told me about the man who stepped out of his car in front of his big truck.

Tommy was crying uncontrollably, softly as he told me what happened.  He was in shock, his eyes wide as he looked at me, as his eyes 'begged his mama to please help him... make the pain go away'.

I remember sitting there helplessly as I watched my son cry, his big, strong shoulders shaking with each sob.  I was crying inside, outside... I was suffering for my son as I could 'feel' his grief, his pain, his suffering.  I stood up and I gently put my arms around him as he cried.... and cried... and cried.  I'm crying now as I write this.

'Out of the blue'.... other people reach out to 'touch other people's lives' for good or for worse.  This 'madman' who is a young, 24 year old guy whose photo looks so..... innocent, so sweet.  He looked like any son a mother would be proud of.... now, his poor mother will never get over the horrors her son committed.

This mother will 'feel' everything that has happened just as I did... as if it happened to .... her.  My very heart goes out to her.... she has just begun her path of grief, having to know, feel the horror of knowing her son deliberately took the lives of innocent people, injured many more.

She didn't do it... but, she'll feel like she did, she is a 'part of her child, her son'.  My prayers are with her as I write.  This won't go away no time soon... in her mind 'it'll never go away'... she's lost her son, only he is still living.

My mind goes back to the young man who was standing there crying, tears streaming down his face, eyes wide open with shock, horror of being a part of something so awful that words can't describe.... I 'saw Tommy standing there'... I recognized, 'knew' that expression.

Someone touched his life 'for worse'... and it came 'out of the blue'.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Calm Water...

Calm Water....

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

I sat quietly waiting for Skip to come back to the table.  He had gone to the soda fountain to get us a Diet Pepsi with ice (no caffiene :))).  We were at Sheetz... a fun, colorful store to visit at anytime for gas, food.

As I waited, I let myself relax, 'be part of the store' for a moment.  To hear what the store could hear, see what its walls saw.  I 'just was'.....

My eyes saw a very young couple standing nearby waiting for their food to be ready.  They sure were young, maybe around fourteen.

The young girl laid her head on the young boy's chest.  I am sure I saw happiness in both faces.  She closed her eyes, he put his arms around her.  I saw contentment... I witnessed young love.  We've 'all been there'...

I closed my eyes as I heard pleasant music I didn't recognize, sounds of different voices.  'You can get any size drink you want for 89 cents!'  I heard the man tell his wife, daughter.

I opened my eyes, watched as they got their 89 cent drinks.  Skip came back with our '89 cents' drink... it was so cold, refreshing... he didn't get the biggest size.

I studied the beautiful, happy colors around me... neon green, bright red, yellow.  My eyes drank in the colors, to make me feel brighter, happier inside.  I needed it badly.

We have just come through another storm.... our ship is sailing into the open now... the storm hopefully left behind us.  We have lived under such stress for the past couple of weeks... no one knows it.  We usually keep it all to ourselves... everyone else has storms they have to weather, also.

The 'happy colors' made me feel better... you all know how I love happy colors... I would be called 'Happy Colors' if I could have named my own self!

I would drink 'happy colors', just immerse myself in 'happy colors' if possible.  I would even let my whole 'self' be tattooed in happy colors... but, I can't.

I have to think about when I become older... suppose I went to the emergency room with strange drawings, happy colors on my old body.  I just don't think it'd be appropriate.

I will eventually get the little dragonfly in memory of Tommy tattooed on my right shoulder where I 'feel it already sits'.  It just needs to be brought into reality by someone special, who does special work.  It takes time to decide who, when, where.... I don't make up my mind easily.

I'll settle for drawing, painting my happy colors.  Wear them in my clothes... I need to buy more clothes in happy colors.  When I shop... I buy happy colors... in art supplies, not clothes!

Hopefully this weekend, Skip and I will relax in the calm of the storm, take deep breaths, smile in relief that it's all over.  Gracious, life can be tough sometimes... pressure upon pressure on one until... they just can't take anymore.

Thank-God for when a door opens to make things get better, fall into place... make all begin to feel calm again.  I find myself yawning, closing my eyes, taking sighs of relief.

Our ship has reached calm water again.... I hope we'll be here for quite some time in ... calm water.  I look ahead and see no evidence of any storms approaching... there's nothing quite like being at peace sitting on a ship in ...calm water.

Have Fax Will Travel...

Have Fax Will Travel....

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

This evening at the 'last minute' Skip needed the fax machine.  I couldn't believe I couldn't fax his documents!  I'm used to being able to fax at any time... a fax machine is worth its weight in gold.

I have a problem... I like things to be moved ... I love change ... I love to have things in odd places... I don't have a problem... I love change!  I do create problems for myself some times.  I can't believe I did this ... to myself.

I decided to put the copier/fax/scanner/printer machine in the bedroom... I thought it'd be great to go to bed at night... and be able to look at the machine and see if I had a fax... 

Before that... I put the copier/fax/scanner/printer in the kitchen.  What a wonderful place 'I thought'... to have the machine there.  When we come into the kitchen... it would be easy to spot a fax there.  We could see one even while cooking or eating!  :)))  Soon.... it became time to move it to the living room... where if we were watching tv... we'd be sure not to miss a fax!  

It was fun to have that copier/fax/scanner/printer in the living room... it seemed so convenient there.  That's where it is 'now'... again  ...... it used to be in the bedroom, and in the kitchen 'before'.

I've even had it in my art room where I could easily copy drawings I did... it was really nice to have in there.  I have a problem... I love change... things have to be moved around ... I'm bored easily.

I've been known 'in my day' to move beds... and not tell anyone (you know.... Skip!).  When someone comes to sit down on the bed..... you can imagine what happened... it's not even funny!  :)))  But... I did laugh!  I can't move our bed now... it's too big, heavy..... I might would 'if I could'!  I know I would!  

All of my life... I have moved things... I love change.  I love making things pretty.  I would change the trees around in the yard if I could... I would move the house to another part of the yard, turn it around... only if I could!

I wish I 'could click' things just like when we click a mouse to make things happen on a computer.... I would click 'my world' ... all the time.  I would make wonderful things happen!

Well...  getting back to this evening 'at the last minute'... when Skip needed to fax some documents.  I couldn't fax them for the first time.... we were upset, had to go into town to the print shop to get it done.  Thankfully, we made it before it closed.  That took care of that problem....

I still have a problem... last week I moved the copier/fax/scanner/printer into the living room.... I did a very dumb thing!

When I picked it up to carry it to the living room 'from the bedroom'... I ...forgot... to ... unplug the phone line from the jack!!!

I didn't believe I did that!  I broke the piece that one has to have on the end of the phone line... that connects the phone line to the jack in the wall.  I am going to have to order one... we have looked all week in Staples, Walmart and Radio Shack, and such places for that piece.  No luck!

I can't believe I simply picked up my machine (it's very light) and ... simply thought I could walk off with it!   I just can't believe it!  I just can ...not believe I did that!  I love that copier/fax/scanner/printer!  I wouldn't be trying to move it 'everywhere' so, 'it'll be so convenient'  to use it!  :)))

Tomorrow I will look online on the HP website to find what I need, and order it...  so, we will be back in the 'fax business'!  :)))

Tomorrow is here.... I have ordered a two-line conductor phone cord for my wonderful copier/fax/scanner/printer machine... it should be here any day.  I will be so happy to connect that one little cord to this machine... be in business again!

Will I move it again... well, I may .... after some time goes by... for Skip to forget all about needing it, and the cord was 'broke'!  :)))  After all, I love that machine.  I would carry it with me everywhere I go if I could.  I love the wonderful things it does... it doesn't fit into my handbag... can you tell that I've thought about it?   One never knows when they need to copy, print, scan.... or fax!  :)))

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Someone's Talking In My Handbag....

Someone's Talking In My Handbag...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I kept hearing a far away voice, I turned to look, I see no one.  Skip, do you hear that, I asked.  Of course, Skip didn't hear it.  :)))

We go into the waiting room... we sit after I signed in  I looked around ... there is that voice again.  I can't figure it.

I opened my handbag to take a bottle of water from it... that voice is coming from inside it!  Where is it coming from?

As I took my hand to move things this way, that way... I realized I had put my cellphone in my handbag.  I don't usually do that.  I could hear someone talking.

As I picked the cellphone up, it went silent.  I was glad because I realized what happened... I've done this before.  When I put the cellphone back into its case, buttons were pressed... making a call that I didn't choose to make.  :)))

I was glad it went silent... my face felt red, I was too embarassed to say what happened.  So, if it was 'you', and you're reading now... hey, I'm very sorry... I'm ducking my head in shame now!  :)))

Oh... Skip and I were 'gossiping'... I hope you didn't hear that, either... hopefully, the 'walls' of my handbag prevented that, ha!  I'm just saying............................................ :)))

When You Turn Your Back....

When You Turn Your Back...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Did you know that someone thinks of you when you don't know it?  They wonder how you are doing in your life, though they don't keep in contact.

Did you know that someone says prayers for you, your family to have a good life without things to hurt you?  To always be safe in all that you do...

Someone cares about you, though they never let you know.  You can be walking through a doorway ... someone never sees your face... yet that someone says a prayer for you to have a good life, for things to be going well in your life.

You can be walking down the street, someone sees your face full of worry, fatigue from living life..... someone cares, someone says a prayer for you.

You could drive by in an old, beat-up car that smokes, rattles.... someone says a prayer for you, prays that you can get a nice, dependable car soon in your life.... prays that you have food at home, and all will be alright for you.

Animals lay on the roads 'everywhere'... cars have struck them, killing them.  Someone's heart hurts, someone says a prayer that... that animal never suffered.

Seeing you walk away ... someone looks at your back and sends such good feelings, wishes to follow you in your life.  Someone prays all will be good in your life, wishes all good things to come your way.

Turn around sometimes ... look at the person you just passed.  You might see a soft, kind smile... someone may have just sent well-wishes, a prayer ... when you turned your back.

I do.......... no matter that I like, don't like you.  I do...... even not knowing you.  I care about people, animals.  I say prayers all the time, I wish good all the time.... to your face, when you turn your back.

I wish life to be kind to you, all to go right.  I know how it feels to walk many of life's paths that have been full of pain, grief from losing home, loved ones.... needing money, needing things, nothing going right.... I know how so much feels.... it hurts so bad.

That's why I say prayers, wish good things when I see you.... even when you walk off, when you turn your back.


I hope that happens behind my back.  Sometimes... I see people make fun, laugh at others.... instead of caring.  I don't do that ... I can't make fun of people in need, grieving, their circumstances.

So, know when you are where my eyes see you, no matter that I know or don't know you... it doesn't matter.... my heart cares, and I will say a prayer, send good wishes behind you... when you turn your back.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Words From Another 'Throw-Away Child'... My Brother

Words From Another 'Throw-Away Child'... My Brother

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Being a throw away child, I
remember a long period of time when I walked alone, I had no one I could trust
or count on, what mattered to me meant nothing to anyone, I was the only one
that saw the things that I saw. I saw my aunt drive a man to suicide, and bitch
because he did it, I saw my cousin dance naked before his sister and her younger
cousin, I saw my uncle, and his children destroy thier lives and everyones lives
around them with alcohol, I saw the deprivation of Satan's children upon the rest
of our family, and the world around them.
Being a throw away child, I
remember the time when some of us tried our best to walk with what little
dignity that life would allow us, it was crushed by the useless values of the
rest of our family, who seemed to have no values at all.  Being a throw away child, I
remember being used and abused by those that thought they were Gods gift to the
world, and people like me, were nothing but the dirt people spit on.  Being a throw away child, I
remember the time when there was a lock on the TV. I was not allowed to watch it
unless someone else decided that I was "worthy" of such a "privilege". I
remember finding a spare key for that TV lock, I was on top of the world, I got
to watch TV, until my Dad came home and put his hand on top of the TV. He knew I
had been watching it. He wore a belt out on my backside, broke it in several
pieces, about 4 pieces as I can remember, he went out to the railroad bank behind the
apartment and cut a bunch of branches and came back to inflict more punishment,
his mom, my grandma... came home from work and decided to get in on the fun, they
took turns beating me while the other rested, the next morning, my body looked
like a parking lot, I could hardly move, but I was forced to go school anyway
and endure the embarassment of how I looked, fortunately I got to skip dressing
out for gym class.
Being a throw away child, I remember how one wrong word or one wrong move
would land me in my bed for 3 days and 3 nights with nothing to eat for those 3
days, only bathroom privileges, and only the water I would sneak if I went to the
Being a throw away child, I remember being slapped, and backhanded, knocked
off my feet in public just so someone could show off to his friends how big and
powerfull and controling he was to his friends.
Being a throw away child, I was able to bear witness to how much truth that
there is in the statement,"There is nothing more cruel than mans' inhumanity to

These words are written by my younger brother, Wm. Ernest.  He wrote them last night to send to me to put here on my blog.  He has stories of things that happened to him as a little innocent child... bad things.

Not only did I get thrown into hell... my little brother was thrown into a different hell.  Mine was in North Carolina living in the house that 'guarded the portal to hell'... his was in Wisconsin.  I, like you, will learn about 'his hell'.

I will begin to add his stories, along with any stories from other family members along with my stories, my 'colors of life'.  Here, you can see what we all survived.

Children and pets, loved ones are meant to have, to love, to be treasured.  No one should have them unless they are prepared to care, sacrifice, protect those children, pets, loved ones.

Through my words you hear, see how people abused us as very small children ... you'll feel the pain in my little brother's words as you read them.  I felt them last night when I read them... we are the product of when parents don't have their priorities in order, don't protect their children.... when they are just too young.

When parents are too young, addicted to alcohol, drugs, can't take responsibility... their children become scapegoats for others to kick around... if they don't love them, no one else loves them.

People see the opportunity and... take it... to molest little children.  I know very well, I was a very little girl... back then.  I knew how men 'who were somebody in the community, well-thought of, respected, had their own little girls'... loved to molest, put their hands on a little innocent girl.

There were 'sneaky hands' coming from 'the blue' so unexpectedly that I was very nervous as a child... I never knew what to expect from people's 'hands'.... male hands.

As time goes by... these stories/my colors will be told.  I don't tell them to hurt anyone at this late date and time.  I won't name people by names... most are dead and gone now, I will name relationships.... no one will know them anyway.

Maybe you who are parents will learn something about protecting your children in ways you weren't aware of.   Sometimes... 'people aren't what they seem'.  Sometimes 'those kind, sweet expressions on loved ones' faces hide things'.....

No one on both sides of my family ever 'knew the other side of my family'... no one ever knew I ever had three brothers, one sister.  I never told them, either.  How about that?

No one knew I was my mother's daughter when I came to live with her as a teenager.  No one in my 'family' ever really knew 'me'... though when I became an adult I was treated with respect.  People 'forgot' how they treated me as a little girl... it was like I was 'two people'... not the same person.

I will tell my brother's story as I go... when he writes his words of being a 'throw-away child'... I will put them here on my blog.

I will encourage him to begin writing his own story someday... if he doesn't... he has a big sister who will do it for him.  I love my brother... I love both of my brothers, one sister ... who are still living.  Wm. Ernest, David, Teresa.  I loved with my heart also, my brother Rick-Rick who died several years ago.

Even I don't know all of the abuse my brother suffered, through the years I 'heard rumors'... I never got the opportunity to be close to him as we both lived, traveled in other parts of the USA.  I always wanted to talk to him... now, as he writes, like you I will 'know him'.

When you read his words, think of a little precious, brown-haired boy standing there looking up at you.  He wears little denim pants, plaid shirt... he has his little hands in those pockets.  Looking at him melts your heart... that was my little brother that I knew all these years... I missed knowing him as an adult.  It's so sad, it hurts me deeply.

The positive about all of this is... that I will finally get to know him.  I know I will be sad alot reading what has been 'inside him' all of these years... but, I will get to ... know him.

Sometimes our tears take on the form of words, sometimes it is good to cry... so, sometimes it's good to ... write.  I will write for the rest of my life... it has made a good difference in my life.  I hope that happens for you, Wm. Ernest.  Your big sister loves you.

The colors of my life will take forever to write... there are many of them.  This is some 'of the others'....  colors of a little thrown-away boy...  'words from another throw-away child'.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Thinking About Tommy...

Thinking About Tommy....

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I have been thinking alot lately.  I've had Tommy on my mind, I never forget Tommy.  I don't think a mother can forget a child she brought into the world.

I hurt thinking about him... I do have to be careful 'how' I think of him.  I sometimes, have to think of him in such a way that I won't fall back into darkness... that world I know only too well.  I'm afraid of it, I don't want to be trapped there... it's too scary.

I will try to describe what I mean... it's sort of like seeing wild animals close by... you don't want to make any noise at all... but, you need to get by them.  You go ever so gently until you get past them.

If you even made a sound, slowed down you know there is danger of being eaten alive.  That darkness I speak of is like that, I am afraid of it.  When it yawns open to try to grab, pull me back there.... mentally I run like 'hell' to keep it from touching me.  I'm scared of the darkness.

Lately, I just can't believe how I am seeing so many young men who have hair like Tommy's, their face looks enough to be his brother, they are as tall, strong as Tommy, walk like Tommy.  I know I look at each of them as long as I can... trying to will Tommy back to 'here'.

I don't stop looking because suppose I do see Tommy, I could miss him.  Suppose he could be just standing 'there' smiling, waiting for me to notice him?  We all know anything is possible.  Perhaps... I watch too much 'Ghost Whisperer'.... but, I .... believe.

Today we were in Radio Shack in Wake Forest, there was a handsome young man who has the exact color of Tommy's strawberry blonde hair... his face even resembled Tommy's.  His sweet personality was like Tommy's.  He could have been Tommy's brother.  We left there thinking about ... Tommy.

We were going to put up the swimming pool Skip got for me to use for my aching body.  If Tommy were here, he would be putting it up for Skip and I.  He always did things to help us when we needed help.

We decided today that we won't put the pool up here where we live.  One day we hope to find a bigger house, we'll put it up, then.  Here, one has to pay hundreds of dollars to fill a small pool that holds 3200 gallons, plus... buy the sand, pay someone to spread, level it.

The pool didn't cost that much at all... it's going into the storage building.  Tommy would have helped us iron out all the problems we've encountered.  He and Skip could always talk and decide what to do.  Skip misses Tommy, Tommy was his best friend.  They were very close.

Tommy, my golden son with the heart of gold, a smile that rivaled the sunshine, blue-green eyes that lit up the world warming people's hearts.  Tall as the mountains, strong as the wind, personality that endeared him to your heart.  He wasn't perfect, he didn't have to be, he was my son.... mine, a part of me.

I don't only miss the things Tommy would do to help make our lives better, I miss.... Tommy 'just being there'.  How comforting it was to know my son was there for me, just as Skip is.  I felt so safe, so fortunate to have my special son.

I miss talking to him... we used to talk almost everyday.  He would be driving along in his big truck and call me.  We talked for hours.  He would take photos along the way to send to me with his phone... I would see them on my computer in just a moment afterwards.

I am noticing that somehow I am writing all of this without crying, I do feel tearful at times.  I'm writing 'quietly' so, as not to disturb the 'wild animals'... so, I won't be 'eaten alive'.  I don't want the darkness to yawn open its big mouth to try to grab, pull me back in.

Quietly... I tread softly 'to get to the other side'... I think I've made it.  I just don't want to forget Tommy.  I just miss Tommy with my very heart.  I miss my son... I had to stop and just say it in words.

I'll stop now... I felt an 'ocean wave' try to 'break' over me... I could be washed away.  I could cry now, but... I will stop ... just for now.

Sunday, July 15, 2012



He looked down below to where his body lay

'Daddy, get up'... he heard the little boy say...

'Are you playing, Daddy, why do you lay on the sand'?

The little boy stooped down to shake his shoulder with his little hand...

'Won't you get up, Daddy, come play with me'?

'Let's play, Daddy, let's run by the sea'...

The little boy began crying

his Daddy wouldn't wake up, though in his mind he was trying...

I'm looking down at you, my precious son

protecting you until the angels nearby come to protect you my little one...

I made it here in time to keep my promise to you

somehow, I must have 'known' I had to go away, instead of taking one trip... I'm taking 'two'....

The group of angels, a family who watched nearby

Came running with a cry...

We have to watch over this little boy

His daddy's collapsed here on the sand... just before he was running with the little boy with such ... joy.

One of the angels began talking gently to the child

Little one, your mommy will be here in a little while

The man angel picked up the cell phone that had fallen to the ground

He pressed the button to listen for a sound

The mother answered the phone, seeing on the caller ID

It was her son calling so soon again, she was smiling you see...

She was so happy that her son, and his family had made it safely .. this was Memorial Day holiday weekend

She was looking forward to seeing the photos on her computer that her son would soon send.....

She was smiling as she picked 'that phone' up to speak to her son

The smile fell to the floor, shattering into a million pieces as she softly said 'Skip, help me, help me someone'....

'Ma 'am, I have a collapsed man here on the beach, he's not breathing', the man said in her ear

'Why do you have my son's phone'? She said to him... because she didn't want to hear....

'He's not breathing', the man said again. He's laying here on the sand

She stood in pure shock as Skip took the phone from her hand

Darkness... instantly the mother was thrown into the darkest of dark, went with a smile...

As it fell to the floor around her, she was thrown into a journey of her own... she may or may not.. come back after a while.....

Her mind was like a trapped bird, frantically beating against the walls of her head...

Oh my God, did that man just say my son is.... dead!?

Bits and pieces here and there, thoughts... memories flitted through her mind... she was gone

Into the darkness, into a scary world where she had to walk all alone....

She went dark... she was darkness... she lived in darkness for quite some time... until one day

'Gloria, Baby Girl, come back... the Pups and I need you', she heard Skip say...

She began climbing, crawling toward the light his voice made

The pain was unlike any she ever experienced as she kept thinking of the sand... where her dying son... laid..

She fought hard to see the light

It took so long... many days and many months... when she did... it was a welcomed sight

She opened her eyes, they felt as if she'd lived in a cave

It was hard to keep them open, hard to know how to behave

Granny Gee went away, didn't know if she would ever come back, you see

She finally did with Skip and her Pups leading her out of the dark path... the one she went down when learning her son died... lying on the sand ..by the sea

By the sea, where he hurried to play with a little boy

who was his son.... they played like it was their last time with such joy...

'Daddy, won't you get up and play with me'? little Taban said that day...

He didn't know... that his daddy had went away

Taban will grow up with the memory that his daddy loved him

That if he'd had a choice, he'd still be with them...

Taban will know his daddy hurried to get to the beach to play, run

With his little son before he had to 'go again'... he got there in time to have fun

To squeal with joy as he shared his last moments, he got there just in time to play

For the first and last time with Taban at the beach... on that day.

Tommy died with 2 blockages in his heart on May 29, 2010 on Saturday evening at Myrtle Beach, on the sand...

Taban tried to wake him up, shaking his shoulder with his little hand...

'Daddy, won't you get up and come play'?

Never knowing his young life was changed forever... that day....

Saturday, July 14, 2012


Eating Seafood To Dirty Music....

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Today Skip took me out to lunch.  We went to Mayflower Restaurant in Henderson, NC.  We were looking forward to enjoying seafood, it has been a long time since we ate any.

We walked inside, the cool air hit us.  This was going to be very enjoyable.  The lady at the register told us that she'd seat us in a few minutes... she had several customers to ring up.

We stood there, debated whether to stay... stay or leave.  We stayed, waited to be seated.  After about five minutes she took us to a table that we chose to sit at.  She gave us menus, and got our drink order.

She came back with two big glasses of ice tea, lemon.  She took our orders... two Mayflower seafood platters.  While we were ordering I was hearing the music... something was unusual about it.

I didn't especially like it, though I hadn't become aware of what it was... yet.  Skip and I talked, laughed as we waited for our food to arrive.  He said he didn't like the music that was playing...

I stopped talking and began to listen closing to the music.  It was rap music... rap music in the seafood restaurant!  I couldn't believe my ears!

What!  In my mind I was thinking .... 'what is that girl rapping'?  I knew I didn't hear her right.  I trusted that the restaurant music was good music... though my mind was confused .... rap music?

Something about 'm_____ fu_____ ain't nuthing'... 'sh__' became plain to me as I listened closely.  Oh my God.... 'hey, Skip, do you hear the words', I asked.

I told Skip to listen to the vulgar words the girl was rapping... Skip wasn't certain he was hearing right.... I was hearing right!  As I was trying to get him to actually hear what I was hearing... I noticed the table of church-going women sitting near us.... they were acting like... they were hearing what I was!

The booth close by had three people in it... my eyes met the eyes of the man sitting there... he looked away.  I could tell he didn't like the music either...

I looked back to the table with the women.  One of the women began to straighten up taller in her seat, she looked straight at me... I asked her did she hear what I was hearing...

She was angry, she said 'yes, I hear it... I'm not certain I want to still eat here'.  She and I both said the music wasn't appropriate, at the same time we both got up to tell someone.  She went one direction to look for someone, I went in the other direction.

A heavy-set man came out of the kitchen carrying food on a tray, I asked him was the manager.  He just mumbled something at me and walked right by me.  He was very rude.  He went on to put the food on a table close by.

I looked around ... no one was anywhere in sight to tell about the music, how it was upsetting customers.... and myself.  I didn't come here to listen to vulgar rap music.

I opened the door to the kitchen, there I saw a waitress.  I told her what was happening, asked her to get the music changed that customers were upset over it.  She seemed to get defensive, she said there were only two of them there to work... they'd get it in the minute.

I went back out to sit down with Skip.  I told him there seemed to be no one around to tell about it.  I told him how both the heavyset man and waitress acted when I told them.

Finally the music went silent... after about five minutes music from the golden sixties came on.  The woman who had seated us came to our table to tell us that they'd changed it.  She said that they had selected Pandora's Box and Mariah Carey songs.... to play through the speakers.  She couldn't understand 'why' the ugly music was playing.  She apologized.  We liked her, we liked having her as our waitress.

Everyone calmed down, food began arriving to each table including our table.  Skip and I remarked on beautiful our plates were, the seafood was cooked golden, just the way we liked it.  We couldn't wait to 'dig in'...

The food was hot, it tasted wonderful.  As people began to leave they had to walk by our table... as they did they would speak to Skip and I.  We all began to laugh about that music.... I told them that I had wondered if we were being 'tested'.... that I half-expected someone from Primetime to walk out laughing at us for entertaining them with our reaction.

It was interesting how we all became 'friends' for a short time, we 'united' for a few minutes for a common cause... for a few moments we all 'had something in common'.

What began as 'bad' .... ended with laughter, humor in our reactions.  I told the lady who was ready to tell someone about the music... that I'd want her on my side anytime.

Soon after Skip and I finished eating.   We gave our waitress a five dollar tip... I put it in her hand.  We like to make sure anyone who is our waitress ... gets the money we leave for them.

As we left, we laughed with her.  She apologized again.  We told her that we would be back, also... that the way she handled it was in a good way.... not the way her co-workers handled it.

How many people get to hear vulgar music in a nice restaurant?  I bet we were 'one of the few'.....  I didn't like it at all... also, I'm not a rap fan... but, I don't knock it.  All of us walk to the beat of a different drum.

It was quite an experience... different.  Whoever heard of vulgar music being played in a nice restaurant?