Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Monday, July 23, 2012
My Short Legs Walk Tall...
My Short Legs Walk Tall...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I am five feet, one ... AND one half inches tall. I'm very tall for my height. The ground I stand on .... I can hold ... 'unless I'm pushed off'! :)))
I walk tall... making people sometimes say 'I thought you were taller'. When I feel my best I try to 'project myself as being taller'... try it sometimes, it really works!
I've been walking 'short' since Tommy died... I haven't felt my best. I gained weight, I didn't care if my hair was fixed (but, I did care if it was clean!). I didn't wear make-up anymore, nor did I care what I wore.
I've seen shock in people's eyes that have known me from 'before'..... that's alright... I was shocked, too... when I began caring again about how I look. Now... I'm seeing surprise in people's eyes... that means maybe they are seeing a difference, a positive difference in me ...now.
I don't apologize for looking so bad for so long... I 'know inside' I'm lucky to have 'looked any kind of way at all'.... I quit caring when my only child, my son... Tommy, died. Not only that... if I hadn't had Skip and our two Pups, Kissy and Chadwick... I would have never been writing here.... nor ... would I have been 'looking so bad'...
I had completely quit ... for the second time in my life I wasn't afraid of dying...myself. My son was gone... oh my God, can you imagine a real part of your very life 'being gone' like that?
Unless it happens to you, you can't even imagine.... I 'know'... I always 'mentally try to walk in others' shoes' if I've never experienced something.
It's no where like you imagine... when the 'real thing' happens, it's nothing like you are thinking.
Do you know 'why'? Because you aren't feeling the very pain, grief, anguish that comes with 'just imagining'... you are only 'thinking'... if thinking hurts, you 'can't imagine' how really losing someone hurts... actually 'feeling the pain, grief, anguish'.
Getting back to walking tall while being short.... I'm walking tall again! I feel it as 'I am pulling myself back together'... inside, outside I have, am becoming much, much stronger.
I 'have helped myself' do this.... if one doesn't help themselves they'll be like I was.... 'looking so bad, overweight, not caring at all'. I understand now 'why'... I feel such compassion.
For me, I was the next thing to ... death... I'd quit caring the day the stranger on Tommy's cellphone told me 'ma'am, I have a man collapsed here on the sand.. he's not breathing'.
My life stopped then.... to be truthful here... I 'almost' let myself die... thank-God Skip was monitoring me... I didn't even know he was there. Skip is my hero, has been many times in my life.
I was just looking at my short legs thinking even at my best ... I was glad I was short. :))) Yes, I'm proud to be 'short'. I don't have to duck to go under things Skip has to duck for. I don't hit my head on things 'up there'!
'Sometimes' I have really wondered though... 'how it'd feel to have long legs' for a little while... I wondered this when reaching for something up in the cabinet, or wondered 'what' someone could see 'up there' being taller.
I even felt excited alittle bit thinking how 'wonderful it must feel to have long legs'.... until I think about falling down. That's a long way to fall when you are so tall... I don't have far to go.
Thank-God, I am short because I can have my cake and eat it, too. I can be short and let my short legs walk 'tall'...... :)))