Thinking About Tommy....
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I have been thinking alot lately. I've had Tommy on my mind, I never forget Tommy. I don't think a mother can forget a child she brought into the world.
I hurt thinking about him... I do have to be careful 'how' I think of him. I sometimes, have to think of him in such a way that I won't fall back into darkness... that world I know only too well. I'm afraid of it, I don't want to be trapped there... it's too scary.
I will try to describe what I mean... it's sort of like seeing wild animals close by... you don't want to make any noise at all... but, you need to get by them. You go ever so gently until you get past them.
If you even made a sound, slowed down you know there is danger of being eaten alive. That darkness I speak of is like that, I am afraid of it. When it yawns open to try to grab, pull me back there.... mentally I run like 'hell' to keep it from touching me. I'm scared of the darkness.
Lately, I just can't believe how I am seeing so many young men who have hair like Tommy's, their face looks enough to be his brother, they are as tall, strong as Tommy, walk like Tommy. I know I look at each of them as long as I can... trying to will Tommy back to 'here'.
I don't stop looking because suppose I do see Tommy, I could miss him. Suppose he could be just standing 'there' smiling, waiting for me to notice him? We all know anything is possible. Perhaps... I watch too much 'Ghost Whisperer'.... but, I .... believe.
Today we were in Radio Shack in Wake Forest, there was a handsome young man who has the exact color of Tommy's strawberry blonde hair... his face even resembled Tommy's. His sweet personality was like Tommy's. He could have been Tommy's brother. We left there thinking about ... Tommy.
We were going to put up the swimming pool Skip got for me to use for my aching body. If Tommy were here, he would be putting it up for Skip and I. He always did things to help us when we needed help.
We decided today that we won't put the pool up here where we live. One day we hope to find a bigger house, we'll put it up, then. Here, one has to pay hundreds of dollars to fill a small pool that holds 3200 gallons, plus... buy the sand, pay someone to spread, level it.
The pool didn't cost that much at all... it's going into the storage building. Tommy would have helped us iron out all the problems we've encountered. He and Skip could always talk and decide what to do. Skip misses Tommy, Tommy was his best friend. They were very close.
Tommy, my golden son with the heart of gold, a smile that rivaled the sunshine, blue-green eyes that lit up the world warming people's hearts. Tall as the mountains, strong as the wind, personality that endeared him to your heart. He wasn't perfect, he didn't have to be, he was my son.... mine, a part of me.
I don't only miss the things Tommy would do to help make our lives better, I miss.... Tommy 'just being there'. How comforting it was to know my son was there for me, just as Skip is. I felt so safe, so fortunate to have my special son.
I miss talking to him... we used to talk almost everyday. He would be driving along in his big truck and call me. We talked for hours. He would take photos along the way to send to me with his phone... I would see them on my computer in just a moment afterwards.
I am noticing that somehow I am writing all of this without crying, I do feel tearful at times. I'm writing 'quietly' so, as not to disturb the 'wild animals'... so, I won't be 'eaten alive'. I don't want the darkness to yawn open its big mouth to try to grab, pull me back in.
Quietly... I tread softly 'to get to the other side'... I think I've made it. I just don't want to forget Tommy. I just miss Tommy with my very heart. I miss my son... I had to stop and just say it in words.
I'll stop now... I felt an 'ocean wave' try to 'break' over me... I could be washed away. I could cry now, but... I will stop ... just for now.