Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Whispers From My Mind...
Whispers From My Mind...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
This morning while we ate breakfast, fed the pups, my mind has been busy. Thoughts have been softly flowing through my mind... you know... like little banners being pulled through the air by small airplanes (of different colors, of course!). My stories are the colors of my life.
Scary thoughts, some not scary... but, 'thoughts that I don't want to think about, things I keep pushed 'way back' in my mind' ... doors are trying to open in my mind.... many, many doors in the hallways of my mind.
Each hallway represents a year of my life... each hallway holds many, many doors that are closed on every journey I've taken in my life...... good journeys, bad journeys.... I've walked many paths in my life.
Mentally, I am shutting the doors as quickly as they are opened. Mentally, I see me running as fast as I can, grabbing each doorknob, slamming the doors closed. Don't open! Don't open! Don't open, my mind silently screams.
I don't want to think about bad things today, I don't want to write about 'bad' things... not today. I just want ... to be happy.
I just simply... want to be happy today. Bad things pull me back down... toward the darkness. I've been up here in the sunshine for some time now... I want to stay... here.
Can't I just simply stay here and ...be happy, never think about things that have hurt, almost destroyed 'me'?
Constantly... whispers of the past flow through every hallway in my mind... always trying to make its way up to my consciousness. When I become aware of them, I run to push each back into the doorway they escaped from.
My mind begins to feel pain, my soul like a candle begins to 'lose light' ... the darkness begins. I run as hard as I can through the hallway I'm in... to get back here to the light, the sunlight.... being Skip and our Pups.
I'm breathless, my heart beating faster, my stomach full of butterflies... as I run, run fast as the wind in my mind. Let me get back to the sunlight, I don't want to stay here now.
Before.... 'before'.... before Tommy died, his light was part of the light in my world... making it brighter for him being in it. When he died, I never fought at all to come out of the darkness I was thrown in... strangely enough, I went into that darkness with a ... smile.
A smile on my face as I read on the caller ID that it was Tommy calling me from the beach. I was smiling as the stranger told me..... 'ma'am, I've got a man here collapsed here on the beach, he's not breathing'.
I smiled my way into darkness as I lost all connection to my world... my life. I wonder where that smile went... I forgot it completely as I became 'lost' for over two years.
At this moment I think.... I can't ever forget that phone call... I was 'standing in sunshine' until the words from that stranger sent me crashing 'into the most darkest of worlds'. Smile and ... all.
Whispers..... whispers.... whispers from the past keep trying to flow up here to my consciousness... I'm becoming very weary now, of having to run back and forwards closing those doors that have opened a crack, those doors that are threatening to open.
I feel my head beginning to feel achy, my eyes have become full of tears, my shoulders begin to slump, my throat is closing with emotion ........... I'm on the brink.....
I am taking deep breaths as I tell myself.... 'I mean not to listen to the whispers in my mind'. I don't want to be sad, I don't want to grieve today, I don't want to be in the darkness today.
Something tries to make me just 'let go', blend back into the darkness, lay there crying my heart out.... I feel it strongly. I miss Tommy, I miss my son... it really hurts so badly. This could be one of those times.... I can only pretend so much.
I look out my window as my fingers press the keys... I look up at the sky, treetops... I look down to the grass outside the window. I see a car pass by on the highway. All the while I am taking deep breaths... I want to have a good day... I want my light to shine... maybe someone seeing it could possibly feel better for it. I know I could.
I am going to get busy now..... I need to draw, paint, walk, see happy colors to help me not listen... to the whispers in my mind.
I am looking into a hallway of my life... it's when I was younger, when I did alot of colorful, happy artwork.... I am seeing smiles from people who loved it, making me smile back.
I am feeling much better now, though my body 'feels the effects of whatever it is I just went through'..... as I listen to these ..... whispers in my mind.
I will enter this room for a little while to become inspired, motivated to .... go through this day. I will go forward, not dwell on what just happened to me.... I won this time... I'm going to be happy today.
I'm hearing good whispers from my mind now. :)))