Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Friday, August 31, 2012
The Rules For...... ' One Lovely Blog' Award...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
1) I need to thank the person who nominated me......
Thank-you very much, Yaz Rooney, for nominating me for this award. It means alot to me.
2) I need to share 7 things about myself that you still may not know.......
1... I love animals, I'm a 'dog' person, I don't like people mistreating dogs, animals... I say prayers when I see animals on the road that have been hit by cars... this is my prayer: 'I pray that you didn't suffer little one, in Jesus' name'... my heart is touched each time and in my mind I think: 'I'm so sorry you had to die'....
I hope people who are cruel to animals... get the same punishment 'back to them'. I hope the same with people who hurt, kill, harm people... I feel when someone knows 'they will have to feel the very exact thing' that they could do to another living being... they would decide to love, care instead.
2... I believe in good, I believe in miracles, I believe in forgiving, letting go... I'm amazed at how I've forgiven such 'bad' things done to me by others in my life. I feel I had to in order to go on to live, so I can live with myself. Truthfully... I don't hate anyone though I carry alot of pain inside..... that's okay... I know pain well... I'm strong enough now... I've been taught well.
I've always had to fight 'hate' in my heart... in my family we were taught that early in life... hate, anger, distrust. If you could see my mind you would see 'scuffles' ... me battling to not 'be like that'... I have so much love in my heart, caring.
3... I'm not perfect at all, I wish I had never done anything wrong in my life, I'm old enough to wish this now... I can look back now... I wish I had never made mistakes, or have looked 'bad' to others as I learned my life's lessons.
I would like to be able to say this to you.... 'I am so perfect, my life has been all I wanted it to be, you'll be glad to know I'm somebody very special, wonderful, famous and life will be good 'if' you know me'. Guess what? I'm none of that at all... I just try to do my best and go on.... I fall down, I crawl to get back up... I just don't anyone to think 'I'm anymore ...than I am'. I'm nobody... but, I am in my world.
I don't try to fool people into thinking I'm more than what I am... it hurts me for someone to be disappointed in me. So, if you like me from the beginning... it's hopefully 'me'... you really like. I don't apologize being 'me'... I used to feel my existence had to be apologized for as a young child.... I don't apologize at all no matter what someone thinks of me... now.
I can only go forward, doing the best from all. I am a good person, with a big heart. I'm sorry in my mind for ever making anybody feel bad, hurt because of my words, actions. I know pain well, I don't like to inflict it on anyone. I've learned that sometimes ... we 'do' have to hurt others to... put them into their place, out of your life. Sometimes ...we have to do/say things we don't want to. Hopefully I make the right decision.
4... I have in mind to write a horror story ... unlike any I've ever read. I don't want anyone to ever think I am like the main character though.... I have felt like that at times. I will give a hint... 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth... you are going to get 'exactly' what you gave in life'...... I would like to write a scary book like what I've always wanted to read... :)))
I would never do the things I will make my main character in my story.... do.
Truthfully... my main character is a very good person.... sometimes though... we need 'good people who can be bad enough' to protect in life...... sometimes... I've really thought only some of the things I'll write... I know when I let my imagination go.... anything goes..... I will be 'living it' as I write. The main character's name is ... Victoria.
5... I can't just write seven things about me in brief sentences... I am so much more! :))) I really tried, but... I feel I have to tell more!
6... I wish I were rich... yes, I know we all do for various reasons. I'll state my reasons anyway. I would be like the 'Secret Millionaire'... in real life as I lived my happy life... my ears would be always 'listening'.
You know... like in a line at the supermarket, bank, anywhere you can 'overhear' conversations.... I hear such sad things sometimes. If I were rich, I would make it a point without anyone knowing it was me... to find out where certain people lived and I would make dreams come true for them... sometimes the most simple things in life mean the world to others, myself... I would do them, expecting nothing in return.
Truthfully in real life... both Skip and I have done that when we traveled, in our life when we had extra money. We expect nothing in return... our reward was in our hearts... it's unlike any other feeling one has ever experienced... I love that feeling.
I want to give... I would love to be rich so, I can do what I love best... give to make people who really need things... happy.
I wouldn't forget people who don't like me... I'm sorry they don't... but, I would make life better for them, also. I wouldn't let anyone take advantage of me... because all would be done in a quiet, private way... and no one ...would have to know it was 'me' that ... made such things, happiness possible for them!
I wish I was rich... I remember well... how that feeling feels in my heart when doing something for others... that sometimes it really does take money to make happen.
That old saying about 'money is the root of all evil'... I realize that is true... but, truthfully in 'my world'... it also, makes life easier, better not only for me... but, for others around me when I have alot.
Wouldn't it be nice if everyone 'spread out from themselves' when they have alot by giving? That way if you could see a picture of it in your mind... you would see many lives affected in positive ways.
Imagine a house in the middle where you and your loved ones live.... imagine a circle that 'spreads out from your house', the more you give..the more that circle grows bigger... now, imagine seeing 'lots of houses'.... and the huge, wonderful circles spreading out from them!
Can you see if everyone felt like I do... how 'everyone's lives' would benefit from all of us being in the world?
Doesn't it seem like the circles would begin overlapping each other leaving no one out... because as they are helped... they begin also, helping... others?
7... By now... you all will know that asking me a question will involve more than one sentence from me! When I think of 'one thing'... I can't leave out all the 'other things' your question brings to mind! :))) These are some of the things .... others might still not know about me. Knowing all this now... I really am a good person, though not perfect at all. 'Bad' things in my life only... made me a better person.
3) I need to nominate 15 bloggers...
This is something I will do over time as I learn about doing this...... 'feel' the blogs that touch me deeply.
4) I need to notify the nominees that I have done so....
I will do this when the time comes ......
5) I need to put the logo of the award on my blog...
This is something I hope to get help with as, I don't know how to go about it. I am so honored for Yaz to nominate me for this award... that I'd be proud for it to be on my blog. It means so much to me, and is very special to me.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Yaz Nominated Me For An Award... 'One Lovely Blog' Award
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Today I received an award for my blog... the 'One Lovely Blog' award. I was really touched to receive it... this meant alot to me for someone to like my blog that well. I'm truly amazed... and also, very honored.
I have written from my very heart, bared my soul so... one can see, feel 'real grief', along with 'real life'. I've written things here that I never talk about in words to anyone... it's rare that I do. I can write the words, but... it's too hard for me to actually say the words. I write ...'my pain'.
I couldn't find anything to help me with the terrible grief I was experiencing on the internet. I was in darkness for so long, going in circles... sometimes I just laid down, gave up. I couldn't find anything to help me cope with all inside me, my heart, my very soul...nothing could touch the pain. I began to write the pain... and through time... it has been what has helped me get this far.
Not only writing helped me... interaction with other people who seemed to care... made all the difference. I'm so used to being private, used to keeping my feelings to myself... when people began writing to address things I wrote... I was so honored that they would 'do such a thing'. I 'felt' such caring... it encouraged me to keep going.
Yaz, one of my friends on Wordpress.com (Yaz Rooney) began talking to me. I began to notice each time she would write, her words... had real meaning. Her words touched my heart, they meant something to me. I feel whomever is touched by reading her blog... will feel something special from it. Yaz is the reason is 'why' this story....
This is about the award and who nominated me... her website link is included. She is a friend I've made here on Wordpress whom I appreciate very much. When she writes, her words have true meaning... meaning we can use and treasure in our everyday lives. You might want to visit her blog/website link.... here it is.... below is what she (her name is beautiful, it is 'Yaz')..... wrote, and her link:
Hi Again Gloria! I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award on the basis that I love reading what you have to say. I look beyond your words and try to see more of you than you give away so I can feel a stronger bond in the spirit. Thank you for sharing your journey through life and for giving your readers some serious food for thought. I know that some of you do not accept awards, and some have received the same from others. Please receive it in the heart, if not through the usual channels! Best wishes always, Yaz.
Please go to http://yazrooney.wordpress.com/ to claim your award!
Since I read the words (this morning)....... Yaz wrote to me... I felt a 'swell of soft happiness in my very soul'.... does that make sense? Gracious, I'm just awed, amazed that my words, my blog 'means something'.... isn't it just so special?
This is ... just special....... in the softest, happiest way. Yaz, I have to tell you this... it just means the world to me. Thank-you. Love, Gloria/Granny Gee
I hope everyone will visit her blog, and be followers as I am. This is the link again:
That's Just Special!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I wonder 'why?'.......... when I was growing up... I didn't have a nickname like 'other people'? All the other kids had nicknames... fun nicknames. Nick names that 'said something important about them'. I think maybe because I was the most 'unimportant' person in the world, then. :)))
Just recently I've gotten ... 2 ... fun, good nicknames from one of my friends on Wordpress! I loved them! The two nicknames are: GG/G ..... and Triple G..... Thank-you, Colleen at The Chatter Blog (http://bikecolleenbrown.wordpress.com/ ...... you made me smile seeing your nickname for me .... not one, but... two!
It just means the world to me! I love it! You had no idea that you would touch my heart when you did that... nor know 'how I always felt about wishing for a nickname, too). Colleen, that's .... just special!
Later on, I will have to write about those three words when 'I' say them. It always created a little thing when I would say that ... because I 'put my heart in it..... when saying those words'. When I said them... I 'meant it with my very heart'... it just meant so much to me.
It had to do with Tommy, and his family and Skip. They would begin smiling when I'd say ....'that's just special!' I didn't realize that it had become a 'trademark' for me. I only caught on when I accidently noticed after saying those words.... that everyone began smiling! and looking at each other!
For several moments... I look back to 'then'.... I see Tommy's eyes smiling a soft, affectionate smile looking at me, his mother. I feel a tear slipping down my right cheek... I keep swallowing to get myself under control.... my thoughts were .... 'back in the good days'. I just closed my eyes tightly, rubbed them hard... I think I felt frustration as well as deep, deep grief. I do miss my son.....
Not long ago, I was called ... GG. It just made me happy to see a nickname... someone gave me! I never grew up with a nickname like other people. I never knew 'why?'
Years ago, I worked at the hospital... I would do art work for different people, and do the monthly birthday poster for the personnel manager.
When I say 'do the monthly birthday poster'... it wasn't 'just a poster'... when I did it... it became 'very special'. I put so much love, myself into each of them. They stood out to people, they recognized that I wanted, loved to do each poster.
I would work for hours upon hours drawing, creating... hours upon hours cutting, glueing small pieces to create one big piece of artwork.... to make a birthday poster. It made me very happy because so many people would actually... look forward ... 'to something that I did.... 'me'. I can't tell you how much that meant to me.
Well... I did get a nickname from one lady who worked in housekeeping. Her name was Shirley. She would come into the office and see me drawing. She would ask me what was I doing when she would see the black and white drawings I did.... I would tell her I was 'doodling'. She said 'if that's doodling, it's no telling what you can do when drawing!'
She began to call me 'Doodles'. I never told Shirley just how much that meant to me.... she had given me a ... nickname!!! I would secretly smile everytime she called me ... Doodles! I know you all think this is silly... but, that meant the world to me... I had a nickname!
Do you know that alot of people have my 'doodles' in picture frames? People always wanted them when I finished them. I would do a 'doodle' on a sheet of card stock with a black Sharpie pen.... I would 'doodle' until that whole sheet was completed... and it was so neat, so interesting (even to me.... I was always trying to 'read' myself! :)))
Maybe that was why people wanted my 'doodles' so, they could have insight into me, ha! I was always so private... though I loved people, being around them. I loved laughing, smiling, talking... don't you agree that when doing that... it's like 'when the sunshine comes out on a cloudy day?'
I just 'felt the sunshine'... when I typed those words! It's 4:16 am in the morning!
Oh... when I was driving a tractor-trailer ... team driving with Skip (those were the days! :)))... I did have a .... CB handle/nickname! I just remembered that! It was .... 'Baby Shoes'!
I can't remember who began calling me Baby Shoes. They were always saying my shoes were little... I had little feet. What they didn't realize was... that I have 'big-little feet'!!! :)))
Well... you can't see the 'big'..... in my feet... but, I know it's there! I know that I actually have a 'wide' foot.... that's why I said that. I think it comes from going barefoot often through the years at home. Then again... Tommy had feet like mine.... but, his foot was a size 12! Skip has a narrow foot ... and he wears size 12.
When I thought of the 'driving a big truck days'... do you know the first image that pops into my mind? Hot air balloons with hundreds of happy colors! and California! That was a wonderful memory.... driving on the interstate along side of hundreds of hot air balloons... seeing so many colors at once!
You all know how I love happy colors! I smiled so much as I drove that big truck.... looking out to my left. Those hot air balloons were over a deep valley 'so far down'!
I just closed my eyes to 'see for a moment'....I 'see' a woman waving wildly at me ... I 'see me' ... waving wildly back... we both had big smiles on our faces. I wonder if it was because 'she and I were women, and we were doing something alot of women didn't normally ...do?'
Happy colors and sunshine! Smiles, happy faces! All those wonderful colors, all those hot air balloons... I can feel the warmth in my mind at this very moment! It's just like seeing those two nicknames that Colleen gave .. me! That's just special!!! :)))
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Just Talking... To You
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
This morning I have been reading email. I had several new Twitter followers... it's been happening alot this week! I'm amazed. I have been following back ...my followers.
I never thought about having a 'real' Twitter audience... I've been on Twitter 'to be on Twitter'. I had no idea it would become important to me... I'm no one special. Truthfully... I'm so amazed that my blog is read by so many people.
I'm completely.... awed.... in the quietest, softest 'amazed' way. In such a way that it touches my heart in the nicest of ways... I 'feel' it so much... that it 'squeezes' tears into my eyes. They would... fall out if I didn't blink my eyes! Thank-you everyone... you have become so important in my everyday life... you've 'become a very real part of me'. You mean the world to me.
When I see so many people are reading 'my words'... I am always running to Skip excitedly... telling him. He says because I'm the person I am... he thinks I'm special. :))) Skip is the one who is special... he's my very life, my real-life hero... he is my whole world. Do you recognize this saying: 'I love the ground he walks on'? You could hear me say that 'anytime' about Skip.
This morning I have alot of things on my mind. For instance... I have to go to Wakefield Rex Healthcare to have a mammogram done. Do you know what? I love going there.... but, any tests I have done just isn't fun at all. :))) I've been through hundreds of 'tests, scans, procedures' since 1998.
Thinking about tests, I've had quite a few surgeries... and guess what? I've had 'my share' of injections... yes, those needles with medicines ... that they stick right in you... and they do ... hurt! :))) I would venture to say I've had several thousand injections of some sort... since 1998. That's when I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma.
I know I've been deathly ill in my life but, the strange thing is/was... I was 'always in the future' in my mind. 'When I could do this... when I get to do that'... you know, things like that.
I will admit though ... for the first year of being so ill... I wasn't as positive because I thought I wouldn't survive cancer. When Skip would buy things for me... flowers, my favorite Ty Beanie Babies for my collection (many years later I gave alot of them to a young guy named Dylan who collected them). Skip would buy me clothes, and such. Tommy would do the same.
At that time, I was very ill... I would tell Skip, Tommy... not to buy things for me. I would tell them that they were spending unnecessary money because I 'didn't know' that I would 'be there' to use, enjoy them. For a moment I 'let myself look back'.... for months I thought I was going to die... for months it wasn't that I was being negative... I was facing reality... so, it wouldn't sneak up on me to devastate me once again.
The more I learned about non-Hodgkins lymphoma... I found out that people actually survived it.... could go on and live a real life! The oncologist, nurses would tell me ...'you are going to be fine, everything's going to be alright'..... 'this is 'the' cancer one would want to have 'if' you had to have cancer'.
Of course, it took many months to believe what they told me... my body was going through so much. Chemotherapy treatments, constant scans of all kinds, so many things. I could barely walk... Skip had to help me. My body was so weakened at that time that I lost all muscle tone.... I'd never done that in my entire life.
I remember as I became stronger ... the day finally came that I did know I was going to make it. I began to want to do things again... a broom, mop, a garden hoe... anything I picked up ...felt 'alien' in my hands. They 'felt so hard' in my hands... I remember looking down at my fragile hands thinking 'how strange it feels for me to hold things in them'. I'd been sick for so long. For three years... I'd been on a journey in life, survived it.... cancer.
One day I will write about this... the strange thing is ... I've never really talked about it to anyone. I've seen people who talked, and talked, and talked about being so sick.... as for myself... I 'go on to forget'. Yes, you read that right.... 'I go on to forget'. Isn't that strange? I have to do that so, I can go forward... even if I'm very ill... very sick. :))) I try not to dwell on it.
I 'forget' that I have medical problems... until something happens. I don't know how this happens... I always 'stay in the future'. I wonder if it's self-denial? Like I'm trying to 'make it not real'.... but, believe me... my body has known it was 'all real'. Some day, I will sit and 'study this in my mind'... I've suffered alot because 'I forget'... all of my life my mind has had to 'forget things'.
It's strange because sometimes I witness, or am a part of things so interesting... I 'forget that I am'.... until someone triggers my memory with a word, or action. Then... I'll remember.....
I'll have symptoms of something... yet, with myself I won't 'see'. With others... I will see and be concerned. I've been very ill/sick, keep going for so long to finally realize... 'hey, I'm sick'!
Don't you agree? We humans are very complex... we are alike, yet... not alike at all. It's like no two people will react the same to one medicine... our body chemistry is completely different. You can like something... I don't.
It's time for me to take my wonderful shower (I love warm water, lots of bubbles from the soap, and the wonderful scent!). I have to get ready to go for a mammogram. I think I do dread it... it's necessary.
Guess what both Skip and I are scheduled for in September? A colonoscopy! Skip survived colon cancer in 2000.... he was very sick when he took care of me when I was diagnosed with non-Hodkins lymphoma in 1998... I was very ill for three years fighting to live. Skip almost didn't make it either.
So, we both are examples of 'why' people need certain tests. They can save one's life.... he never had a colonoscopy prior to being diagnosed. He began seriously bleeding... it would happen time to time when going to the bathroom. During all the time he was suffering, going through all this... I was battling for my life.... I didn't know. I'll never forget the shock when I did 'know'.....
This morning I have written things as 'I thought about them'. Who knows, maybe it 'was for a reason'..... maybe someone will decide to go get a test they really need, and it could make all the difference in the world. I've enjoyed 'just talking' this morning to you... :))) Happy day to you all! Love, Granny Gee/Gloria
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Blue Moon and Happy Colors For Jimmy...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Yesterday Skip and I were driving on the interstate. We were watching the beautiful cloud formations. I don't know if I told you... but, I am a cloud-lover. I love to watch clouds when they are active in the sky.
I love the wonderful shapes they shift to become... I get lost in daydreaming while watching them. Yesterday, I saw a big 'teddy bear' in the clouds. I, also... saw a giant doughnut, a cave that one could enter through to explore!
My mind imagined all kinds of possibilities while watching the clouds change, shift shapes. It was wonderful.... I even looked for Lena and Tommy 'peeping down at me from their clouds'.
Johan, I will never-ever forget you saying that your mother, Lena..... is probably 'looking down from her cloud' at me. You'll never know how special I thought that was... when you said that. Also, you and Sara are special in my mind... always. I send my love to Sweden to you both, and your family... also, to Barcelona, Spain. :))) and in England.
My cellphone began ringing.... actually 'happy' music began to play. :))) It was my cousin, Linda, in Oregon. She wanted to tell me that 'Jimmy arrived today'.... that 'he was sitting on the seat in the car'. She would be taking him home in just a short while.
I have to say that I was so thankful that 'Jimmy got there safely through the mail'. His ashes were intact... they were in a strong heavy-duty plastic bag, inside a sturdy box... placed inside the Priority Mail box. If you ever have occasion to 'send a loved one's ashes by mail'... you have to be certain the ashes are in a sturdy 'container'.
Jimmy made it, his ashes are where they belong now. My heart feels good... it's meant to be. I kept my promise, now... I can 'let go'. I sent Jimmy on his last trip... one that would have made him laugh, made his eyes twinkle.
He would have loved knowing he traveled to somewhere familiar, but... in the most 'different way.... different form'. He would have loved knowing that it was in a meaningful way, that he was cared about, loved.
Jimmy would have been comforted if he'd known in life that he would be 'going home to mama'... to be placed with her in a special box made just for her... they both will be placed in that box, their ashes together.
My cousin, Linda, told me about the special box, the wood and brass fixtures, how her nephew made it especially for their mother... how she loved that box. It meant alot to her, she used it for her special things. Now... it will be hers, and Jimmy's special place to be ... placed beneath a beautiful tree, in a most special place.
I will write about that when it happens this weekend. Do you know what else will be special about the timing for this event? My cousin, Linda, told me that this weekend... it'll be a 'Blue Moon'.
A Blue Moon is the second full moon in a month, for it to occur there has to be a full moon at the beginning of a month.... both have to happen in the same month. I read that the average span between two moons is ...'29.5 days'. On August 31, 2012... there will be a 'Blue Moon'... it's the second full moon in this month.
If you knew Jimmy, you would know how he would have appreciated this, I can hear him say .... 'once in a blue moon'. Yes, this would have meant alot to him.... it would have been special to him, too.
Not only that... Jimmy wanted to be in my colorful art room... now, it'll be a 'blue moon'... when he is placed in his final resting place.
His mother was a colorful person... remember how beautiful I said she was 'in her day'....... with her skirts, blouses of 'happy colors', her sandals that had little decorations on them that made 'happy sounds'? There 'won't be a lack of colors' ... he will still be around 'happy colors'.
Blue moon... happy colors... unusual trip one 'can't just take' like he did... Oregon... so far, I can 'see Jimmy smiling'. Jimmy was like me in the respect he loved the unusual, odd things in life... this would be 'perfect' to him.
All has meaning... he isn't forgotten. We all cared to make it 'come together'. All of this is 'just perfect'... it would have touched Jimmy's heart... in my mind... I can 'see' tears in his eyes from the emotion he would feel. He would have been so touched... his heart would have been touched to his... soul.
I 'know that this touches my heart... to the soul'.
Monday, August 27, 2012
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
This morning I woke up to quietness in the house... I could hear the clock ticking. I never wake up hearing the clock tick. Tick... tick... tick...
I laid there looking at the clock, I have it set for 6:00 am this morning. I saw the hands on ... 4:00 am.
Should I get up, go to my computer for a little while... should I stay here in bed, try to go back to sleep. Now... you all know the decision I made! I'm here!
I haven't decided on what I'll write about today... since I'm here, I would like to tell all my readers 'good morning'... and I would like to say I appreciate so much all of you who come here to write the words I write. It's such an honor... it really means the world to me.
I love writing. I want to write some short stories in the future, you know ...'to try my hand at it'. In my whole life, my imagination has always created ideas for me to do in everyday life.
I remember my stepfather telling me many years ago.... 'Faye-Faye, you always have a way of making something out of nothing'. He used to think I had a 'green thumb', also.
As for the green thumb... I never knew anything about plants, but... I would try to 'sense, feel' what they needed. :))) When I did that, it seemed to work! I created an 'oasis' once for both my mom, and stepfather.
You wouldn't believe what I did where there was only sand... This was twenty-some years ago, I was so much stronger and my body hadn't been through all the 'battles' I've fought since then.
I made trees grow there, many plants and rocks... there were little paths to follow as one walked 'within'... there was a place to sit down, to enjoy the beauty. I did it so, my mama could walk out onto their deck to sit ... enjoy. She was sick, and had been through major surgery at that time.
When I didn't have the money to buy things to create with... I always managed to come up with a creative way to make all work. One day, 'if' I can find a photo of what I did... I will put it here for you all to see.
One day I will take the time to put more photos here... I know when we can 'see things'... it makes all more 'real'... more special. I'm a visual person, I love to see things as well as to touch them.
I noticed that one of my cousin's daughters does the same thing. She loves flowers, gardens and such. I believe we got that love for flowers, gardens from our Grandmother Alma. When I was a little girl, she always wanted me to plant flowers outside her window for her to see.
Looking back, I didn't understand 'then'.... 'why'. Looking back I can 'see in my mind'..... her walking, moving around.... then, I see her sitting in that upholstered recliner that she sat in for twenty-some years... she'd become paralyzed.
I have a mental block as to 'when' she had a stroke outside the house, working in her flowers. She worked at a place called Burlington Mills, came home to work in the heat... in the heat of the day. This is the impression I've carried all these years.
In my little girl mind, I remember seeing her walking, smiling.... then, she was laying.......in 'that'.... room the blue-ball lightening would roll out of toward me whenever.... there was a thunderstorm....... my youngest aunt's bedroom..... there was all of a sudden a hospital bed there, and all was white in there... I remember tiptoeing in there to look up on the bed.
I would look at my Grandma Alma laying there... her eyes stayed closed. She was in a coma... though as a little girl, I never knew what that meant. I do remember excitement when months later... when my uncle was in her room helping to care for her.
I remember everyone saying he was there with his back to her doing something... and how it scared him when 'out of the blue'... she spoke to him. After that... Grandma Alma 'came back to life' in my mind.
I didn't know what I would write about this morning when I first sat down here. It seems my fingers began typing, and I've written something.... I've written 'memories'. I guess you all know by now, that my Grandma Alma was most special to me, that I loved her next to my mama... as a little girl. Also, George was most special to me. She was paralyzed, he was blind.
You wouldn't believe the things they did, how they became caretakers of lots of little unwanted children thrown on them, how they tried to give them a home.... when they didn't have anything to give. All they had was... love.
Grandma Alma couldn't walk, though when she tried... one of her legs dragged, one of her arms hung useless. I remember seeing her with her one good hand, one good leg... pushing that walker. She would have a twinkle in her eyes, smile on her face. I see that even now... I can cry over her. She was 'my mama', too.
George was blind... I heard all kinds of stories as 'to how' he became blinded. I can't honestly say, I don't know. The impression I have is that someone fought with him in the kitchen, somehow his face went into a towel rack mounted on the back of the door... the kind where there are several 'wire arms' sticking out for towels to be hung on.
Looking back at them, what they lived in, how they had to live... one can only hold admiration in their eyes for them. They should have been in the book of Guinness... they were some of the most amazing people I ever knew... in my entire life. A paralyzed woman, a blind man. Oh, how I loved them with my very heart.
I feel guilt even today ... I wish I could have been big enough to have made such a real difference in their life. I wish I could have taken good things to them to eat, to drink. I wish I could have made their home much better. I wish I could have given them money, I wish... I wish... I wish.
The strange thing is ... it took many of my young years just to learn things that were already taught by parents to their children. I had to learn to 'open my eyes and see' through hard lessons of life. I look back and 'see there was no way for me to know so much' ... that makes me say 'I wish'..... 'now'.
I didn't have parents to teach me anything. All of my 'role models' were going through 'hell', themselves. I lived in 'daily wars'... I tried to 'dodge' battles happening around me. I look back... I can 'see' that I tried to read, to watch, to learn 'everything'... trying to better myself.
My eyes were opened as a little girl when some of my classmates took it upon themselves to give me a bar of soap, tolietries one day. I'll never forget the names of those girls as they stood around me, their eyes looking gently at me... feeling sorry for me..... Mary Pat, Kathy, Hope, Betty Ann were some of them.
They opened my 'little girl' eyes up to ... make me aware that I needed to begin taking care of my body... I must have smelled so bad. Grandma Alma and George tried... there wasn't anyone there to take care of 'them', nor their house.
When some of the family would 'sail through, stay for a time'... the house would begin to sparkle... when they left.... the sparkle went with them. Darkness... came back.... roaches, kiddiddle hoppers, rats.. spiders... scary things that terrified a ... little girl.
When thunderstorms occurred... blue -ball lightening would roll out of 'that' room... when she'd have to go out on that back porch at nighttime to the bathroom... things would try to jump on her... something was always trying to 'get her'... even people around her... who smiled with their fake smiles to fool everyone... but, she ... wasn't fooled. They made her nervous, afraid.
This morning it is 15 til 6... the alarm clocks are set to go off at 6:00 am... my cellphone is set to go off at 6:00 am. 'Look how far I have traveled in a short time'.... back into my memory. I have begun to feel shaky inside, tense. I was only going to 'write something' this morning as it came to my mind 'until the alarm clocks went off'.......
I'm thinking this very moment .... I'll put my mind in 'forward'. I was beginning to feel 'bad' feelings from 'then'.
Before I begin feeding our Kissy Fairchild, Sweet Chadwick... I will say I'm glad I have you all to come to .... talk to. I appreciate, treasure each of you who take your time to stop here to read. You all... really mean the world to me. Love, Granny Gee/Gloria Faye Brown Bates :)))
PS... I wish I could go back, make life special for every person I loved with my heart... who were good to me, who made a difference in my miserable life as a child... who even spoke a kind word to me, or even smiled at me... to make me feel like a person as a child.
I also, would make life special for every cousin who went through the same as I did... we all carry scars even today. I love you all. I wish......................
Sunday, August 26, 2012
No S'more... S'mores For Me!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
This evening we had baked chicken for supper. Of course, that means Kissy Fairchild and Sweet Chadwick had chick-chick for their 'suppy'!
After supper, I opened one of the cabinets, saw the giant marshmallows we had purchased some time ago. Nearby was the package of Hershey's chocolate bars. I looked at them, closed the cabinet door, walked away.
I was looking inside the cabinet door when I became aware that .... I was back to look at the marshmallows and Hershey's chocolate bars. My hands took the marshmallows and chocolate bars off the shelves... set them down on the countertop.
I stood there, looked at all.... there's something missing! I need honey graham crackers! I opened the door, saw them, wondered ... how did I not see them?!!!
I needed a fire to roast my marshmallows on! I stood there, thinking. I didn't want to go outside and pull the cover off the gas grill... too much trouble. I just don't feel like that!
I looked at the range, decided I would roast my marshmallows on top of one of the electric 'eyes'! I turned the front eye on, let it get red. There's my 'fire'!
I took a fork, stuck it into one of those fat marshmallows, making sure it was secured. Looking good! I held it over the electric eye ... all the while turning that marshmallow.
It toasted nicely... even sometimes, flames 'flared' up on it!
I simply blew the flame out, kept on turning until it looked like I wanted it to look. On the countertop... was a paper plate with honey graham crackers on it... with little pieces of Hershey's chocolate candy bar on each.
I placed that hot, toasted marshmallow on top of the chocolate candy sitting on a graham cracker. I topped it with another honey graham cracker.... and pressed it together.
It was now... time to eat it! Guess what? I don't really like S'mores! The marshmallow was too sticky, messy for me. I didn't really like the flavors of chocolate candy with the honey graham cracker, and marshmallow. I've never liked to eat anything that was messy, or got on my hands while eating it!
That's what happened... hot, sticky marshmallow got on my hands... melted marshmallow and chocolate candy got on my lips... crumbs fell from the honey graham crackers. I don't like a 'mess'!!!
No S'more.... S'mores for me! :)))
Rest In Peace, Jimmy... Rest in Peace, Marie
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
She left home with a mission in mind
Drove uptown, parked in front of the post office
She stepped out of the car, opened the back door
Picked a box up gently, took it inside
She walked to the counter, sat the box on it
Spoke to the postal clerk, saying "I want to mail Jimmy"
To Oregon to be with his mother, Marie
"Would you help me please?"
The postal clerk inspected the open box
Saw that Jimmy's ashes were seal-proofed
She closed the box gently, put special tape on it
Weighed it, put the postage on it
Gloria paid for the postage, thanked the postal clerk
Was told that it would take upwards of three days
For Jimmy to reach his destination
To be there in time to be placed with his mother's ashes
Gloria felt good inside when she let go of the box
Knowing she'd kept her promise made to Jimmy
She'd placed his ashes with her mother, Earlene
and brother, Ricky just as he'd asked of her
"I want to match wits with Earlene," he told her
Just like we used to years ago
"Yes, I want my ashes to be placed in your art room
Where the sun shines, where all the happy colors are
Gloria never heard a sound in her art room
So, she doesn't know if her mother and Jimmy
Matched wits or not... if it could be done in the afterlife
They would be the ones to do it
His brother, sisters didn't mind
With them not minding, she kept that promise she'd made
Now... it was time for him to go home
Go home to his mother, to be in his final resting place
Rest in peace, Jimmy
Rest in peace, Marie
Mother and son
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Jimmy's In The Mail..........
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Jimmy is traveling once again. This is 'Day 2'. He is traveling in a way he never traveled. I tried to make his trip as comfortable as possible, he was used to traveling on planes, trains, by car ... he used to travel the world.
This is a shorter trip for him, though it's quite long. He is traveling from North Carolina to Oregon. This will be his last trip, one with alot of meaning.
Thank-you to my cousins for allowing me to keep Jimmy's ashes. It made possible for me to keep a promise I made to him many times... in his words: "put my ashes with Earlene's and Ricky's, and Tommy's Chest in your art room."
I did exactly what he asked. I used to tell him about Earlene and Ricky's ashes, Tommy's Chest... (my mother, brother, son) ... sitting in beautiful chests in my colorful room full of sunshine.
Jimmy decided he wanted his ashes put with them, in his words: "Earlene and I can match wits again like we did in life when we were younger." He would go on to relate the many times they would try to 'get the best of each other .... with words!'
Truthfully, I never 'heard any commotion, or voices' come from my art room. It was always peaceful each time I went in there... sometimes.... it was I who disturbed that peace.
The only sounds I heard in my art room was........ myself, as I would softly cry missing Tommy, missing my mama, missing my brother, missing ..... the list goes on, there are 'too many names' to write at this moment.
They've all went away in the past few years. I have been in a 'state of grief, shock, sadness' for so long.... people I might should have never loved... were the very people I loved with my heart... when they died, it hurt me to my soul.... just to the core of my heart.
Recently.. there have been two more deaths.................... they both affected me deeply.... no one knows.............. not only that................
I've finally 'let go' of my closest family that is left in this whole world......... my nephew hurt me to my heart... he doesn't know how he has the wrong impression of me.... I don't have what it takes anymore to 'just go tell him'... he wouldn't believe anyway.
I have to 'let go' for my own sanity ...... I should have learned my 'family lessons' many, many years ago.... but, I didn't. 'Hope' pushed me through the years to be hurt many, many times over. I am like a piece of toast now, though 'not hard and brittle'.... I've been scorched many times.
The bright, happy sunshine chased away any shadow that dared to enter my art room full of ... happy colors. Bright colors, bold colors, pastel colors... in acrylics, watercolors, spray paints, poster paints, and chalkboard paints.
Colorful objects, pencils, pens, colored markers, colored Sharpies.... adorn my white art tables. This is the room that reflects 'me'... at this moment it is .... a 'little' disorganized.......... just like I get at times. 'This is one of those times... though no one knows'.
Truthfully... so you will know... I miss Tommy... I've been looking at his photos. 'I've been thinking about opening Tommy's Chest'...... I feel panic inside, my stomach has a scared feeling inside'... all I want to do is to hold some of 'his' things in my hands, I just want to hold my child's things in my hands.
I think I may have to 'get past that little plastic box of photos'... photos of........... for now, I 'will let go of this'.... in my memory this is all I can 'see' in his beautiful chest... they are 'scary'... in the way a mother can't bear to see.
I will let you know 'if and when' I open Tommy's Chest... 'getting past the box of photos is what I'll have to build up strength for'................................................ you know... like one of the obstacles you have conquer...... before going any further on a path. I've really tried to prepare all this time.... I really have.
I see that for the moment it is stressing me to think about it.... my stomach feels sick, panicky with butterflies.... I am taking quick breaths, exhaling them out through my mouth, my shoulders are pulled back.... it's going to be alright, it's going to be alright............
Let me get back to my 'happy-sad' story.... Jimmy's trip via postal mail.... his last trip, one that is very meaningful to his family, to me.
I'm telling you about my cousin Jimmy, about him traveling once again! By mail..... he never did that before! I made this possible... and I smile because 'I know he would have loved it'.... like me, he loved being ... different. I'm proud to have some part in this, to take him home to be.................. with his mother who passed away just over a week ago.
He will be reunited with his mother. This feels so right... I feel good inside ... I can't be there when his ashes are put with his mother's ashes... placed in a special place in Oregon.... but, I've done my part by helping him to get there in time.... for Labor Day weekend.
Today is 'Day 2'... Jimmy will arrive at his destination in 'two to three days'.
I sent him Priority Mail... his ashes are in a thick plastic bag to make sure they stay together while traveling... placed inside a smaller, sturdy box that is inside a priority mail box.
I had to leave open the boxes when taking to the post office so, the clerk could see, make sure all was travel-worthy. She closed the boxes herself, placed the postal service's special tape on it. When closed, taped... she placed the amount of postage on it.
The postal service clerk was so nice during all, so gentle when handling Jimmy's ashes... she spoke softly the whole time... she touched my heart with her respect. Thank-you, postal clerk.
Happy traveling, Jimmy. I don't even miss having 'you' here in my art room. Do you know 'why?' Because my promise is fulfilled... I feel good inside.... I did right. You just can't have a better feeling inside than that. I love you, Jimmy... rest in peace being with your mama. I know you are smiling now. I am, I think there may be ...tears in my eyes.
I have to think of a 'humorous, happy, tasteful, good' title for this.... one that I know that would have made Jimmy laugh... he loved a good laugh.
Will I name it ....'Have Jimmy Will Travel'...... 'Jimmy's In The Mail'........ I know in my mind........ I can 'see' his eyes twinkling, hear his laugh, his voice saying ..."by golly, I like it!"
My cousin, Jimmy, is on his final trip to be with his mother, he's in the mail..... Jimmy's in the mail!
Friday, August 24, 2012
10,001 Page Views On:
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I just looked at my blog ... when I saw the counter on it saying that there are 10,001 page views.... I was so happy, amazed!!!
Thank-you everyone for wanting to follow me, to read my colors. It means the very world to me..... more than words can say!
I have always seen many thousand page views for other writers/bloggers and had no idea .... that one day I would actually see that on my blog... I always wished.... :)))
My wish came true because of you all! Well, all I can say now is that ....... I'm sitting here with the happiest of smiles.... you all have made my day! :)))
This is special, I had to tell you all......:)))
Thank-you! Love, Granny Gee/Gloria (firstname.lastname@example.org)
P.S. It just means the very world to me. Thank-you all for being here for me, for taking your time to write me, or to comment, for advice .... see, you are very important to me.
I Am My Shadow...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I was standing on the back porch this morning with the light behind me. I was looking to see if there were deer standing nearby eating grass... usually I see several deer. I love how they stand there trusting me not to hurt them... looking at me.
I didn't see a deer but, I began to notice the shadows on the ground in front of me. Kissy the Rottie, and Chadwick the Special Mix... were standing by my side... on each side of me.
One of the shadows showed Kissy's 'big' head... the head with his precious 'little ears'. It seemed to be bigger than it should be. I noticed this without giving it any thought.
I moved one of my arms, I had both folded with my hands underneath my chin (sort of like praying). I happened to look down at the ground in front of me to see 'why' the shadow moved.... 'why did one of Kissy's ears move!'
It dawned on me .... that wasn't Kissy's 'big' head at all... it was 'me'.... my shadow! The thought came to me that 'I am my shadow'! :))) I looked closely, his shadow looked alot like my shadow.... my elbows looked like 'little ears'.
I just thought of something... 'where in the world was my head?... I don't recall seeing 'my' head... and I have alot of hair!
I grinned while I stood there... I'd been thinking 'what a big head you have, Kissy!' It wasn't his head at all.... it was me! I am my shadow! :)))
Thursday, August 23, 2012
They Don't Need To Know She's Dead... They Never Cared When She Was Alive.............................
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
"Remember when you didn't come to see us for four years?" 'Levi' asked his aunt on Facebook.
"Yes, I remember, " she replied... wondering 'why' he would ask that question. She knew that when she and her husband would visit her brother, his family... her brother's wife would never come out to see them. She was ... always asleep. No one would be overly-excited that they came to visit... the boys would watch tv, forgetting they were there. They were children.
Alot of times they went to see them, but... no one ever returned the visit. No one came when she almost died... she kept the vision of them in her mind all these years... twelve years.
The vision as she sees it in her mind is of her in the most weakened state she'd ever been in her entire life. Her husband had helped her to walk out onto the front porch to get fresh air... she wasn't able to walk out on her own. She had almost died, had major surgery, and at this time fighting to get to the point that her body could handle chemotherapy treatments.
She was drugged heavily with medicines... more medicines than she'd ever taken in her life. She fought for her life for three years, and several times after that... no one came to see her... they all lived a few miles from her... it must have been too far for them to ... come.
"Do you remember when my brother and I helped you with your project?" her nephew asked her.
Of course, she remembered. She had talked to her husband about who would help to drill the hundreds of holes in her logs to be injected with Shiitake mushroom spawn. They agreed to ask her two nephews, to pay them well to help her. She remembers being excited to see them. She enjoyed every moment spent with her nephews, she felt they liked being there at her home. She hoped that would begin a lasting relationship...... again... nothing.
Her mind goes back to that one vision her mind has held onto all these twelve years. She is sitting on the porch with her feet on the top steps, her body wracked with pain from the surgery she'd just undergone. Her husband sat beside her, holding her hand.... talking gently to her.
They lived in town, there was a constant stream of traffic passing by their front porch. On car in particular slowed down, the horn was blown... hands appeared in every window ... waving at her. She thought she could see happy smiles on everyone's faces...... her brother, his wife, two sons.
They all drove by waving merrily.... as she sat there 'knowing' in her mind they must 'have forgotten to slow down enough to turn in to their house, to come see her'. Her husband sat there stunned as they drove merrily on their way, he remarked that he didn't believe they 'just drove by when her brother knew his sister had almost died, was now fighting to survive...cancer'.
She told her husband that they would be back, just give them a few minutes... she knew they loved her, they would come back. She is still 'waiting for them to come back'........................................................... it's just been .... twelve years.
"Do you remember you never came to see us after we helped you?" She replied, "yes, I remember".
"Do you remember four years later we helped you to move, you never come to see us?" She replied, "yes, I remember".
As she sat there wondering what he was getting at with his questions, she thought about how she'd called her brother, seen him from time to time, talked to him.... hoping that would spark up a relationship where he'd call, stop by sometime.
It never happened.... it was like trying to light a fireplace with a wet match... never could one 'feel the warmth from that fire'... it wasn't going to be.
She read the question again, typed by her nephew on Facebook. She decided to switch over to private message... this was all public. It innocently began when she typed a message on his Facebook, commenting on passing the college he'd soon attend. She saw the welcoming students' banner, she thought of him, how he must be excited to begin college. So innocent...
Yes, she remembered when they moved. She was still in a state of shock from her son's death, they'd decided to move six months later. She wanted to get away from where they lived. It was too isolated for her, she 'kept seeing her son there the evening before he died.... up on top of the house, in the driveway, on the sidewalk, where he talked to her, hugged her'.
She kept going to the picnic table where he sat, to enjoy sandwiches she made for him. He'd come to pressure-wash their home with his equipment. She would constantly walk to each place he was at ... talking to him... seeing him that 'last evening.... but, he was gone. She couldn't 'quit reliving the last moments spent with her son'.........................................
No one came to comfort her, no one came to say 'I'm sorry your son is gone'. The months rolled by by... into a couple of years... still no one came to offer comfort, condolences.
Yes, she remembered.... she and her husband decided to get her two nephews, and brother to come help them move. They didn't need them to help... her husband's friends were moving them, not charging them anything.
She told her husband that she would pay her brother, her nephews... that way she could see them... and make some money, too. She never wanted her family to 'do anything free for her'... so that later 'it wouldn't be said that she took advantage'. She didn't think they would... but, in her family...... one never knew.
Even in the state of shock, grief she was in... she remembered how happy she was to see them. Amazed at how her nephews had grown up so handsome, so soft-spoken and... well-mannered. She loved them with her heart.
She remembered standing in the living of their new home, looking at them.... then saying to them... 'don't forget me'. She loved them, she didn't want them to grow up, go on to forget her.
When all the moving was done, she paid each of them .... all along they'd given many things to them. Nice coats, scrap metal to sell, a wicker headboard for a king bed, all kinds of things... to let them know how much it meant just to see them, and to show appreciation for what they did.
She hoped they'd call, come back... they only lived a few miles from her. At the 'old' place .... it was only a .... few miles... too. No one called... no one came....
She saw where they were on Facebook, she reached out once again to have some kind of relationship with her nephews. At times they would answer her, especially her other nephew, 'Luke'. Each time they would respond to her, it warmed her heart. She never did it often... knowing young guys could feel embarassed with 'older' people making over them.
When she commented on the welcoming banner, she never expected to be hurt as she was. Never thought it'd come from that direction... one of her precious nephews. The pain she felt......
Days went by, in the back of her mind all that was said in typed words, simmered like a pot of soup. When all was done, she felt she knew 'why' he hurt her like he did...........
He was feeling 'himself' as we all do when we are young people... when we think we have the world by its tail, and we are going to be successful, maybe famous 'one day'. He won a golf scholarship to go to college, and people jokingly called him 'Tiger Wood'.... and she thought getting ready to embark on his new journey in life... made him feel he had to 'play the remembering game because he is famous in his mind'.
Did he think 'she wanted in on his glory'? Did she want to be able to say 'I know someone famous, or related to them'? This is what she felt..... she felt 'already in his mind he thinks he's famous'.... and if he hurts others as he hurt her intentionally..... he is going to have so much to learn.
He's so young that he hasn't learned 'that no matter how high you fly, you've got to come back down'. A person doesn't hurt people who really love them... you are so fortunate to have them. They are rare, hard to come by.
She sat there thinking how a innocent, happy comment brought her such grief... in the most unexpected direction. Her nephew ....'of all people'. In her mind after several days of grieving once again for 'loss of yet another loved one'............... she decided 'once again'........... life goes on.
She has to go with the flow of it.... this is the last of 'family' for her. It no longer matters anymore.... it's all said and done. She has learned her lesson... the hard way... it took many years, the final straw was her nephew, someone she would have expected more from, and loved dearly.
She hopes her nephew will succeed in college, go on to live his dream. He's a fine boy... one who has a big heart, loves animals, loves his girlfriend, not afraid to say or be different, to stand out from the crowd.... just the kind of person people love. She's proud of him.... she's proud of both, Levi and Luke. No matter what, she loves them.
If only someone could have called to explain 'why'.... now, it's too late. The 'day has come'.......... she has learned her place... it sure isn't in the family she was born in... nor in the family that is 'left'.
She sat talking to her husband, she instructed him that 'when the day came'.... and she died.... to not tell any of her family. They don't need to know when 'she's dead'......... they never cared when she was... alive.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Suicide... So Final, So ...The End
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
No one knows 'why'...
It must have been so bad for him to do that
It's so sad, no one would wish such
On someone even if they did wrong
I feel so sad to learn of yet, another death
This one not from natural causes, but...
From someone committing suicide
It's so... final, it's so.... The End
His problems were more than anyone knew
How sad he couldn't find some way to resolve them
I could cry for this man, he's no one to me
I don't know him personally, but... I've met him
I was affected like alot of people were
From his actions, not so long ago
No one knew 'why' he did what he did
But... I don't think it rated anywhere close to 'that bad'...
I'm so sorry for this man's family
I was thinking of one person in particular
That must be hurting more than words can say
His mother... the woman who brought him into the world
Another mother.... another son
For some reason it makes me want to weep
With my very heart because she is wondering 'why'
Her precious son took his life
I'm so sorry to this mother, I hurt for you
You have a long path to travel now, I know it well
Until a child dies, no mother will know
How it feels to go down grief's lane
I'm so sorry for things to be so bad
For him to end his own life
How sad it is to not find another way
To make things all right again, so you could live
I didn't know you personally, only affected by your actions
Those actions weren't bad enough to wish bad to you
I'm so sorry you had to take your life, Herb
Though I didn't know you... I feel your mother's pain
I send loving thoughts and prayers to her
As a mother who has lost her son, her only child
My heart goes out to her knowing that she has just begun
To travel on that road ... the road of grief, pain, darkness
There's no way we know
What goes on in someone's mind
To drive them, to make them feel they have to
Commit suicide, it's so final... so, The End
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Another Look At The Grief I Feel...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Sitting here clicking photo after photo
Testing myself to see if I feel anything
I click fast, then I click slower, I click back
I click out of the photos completely
I feel that sick feeling in my stomach
A sense of panic that threatens to overcome me
I sit here, take deep breaths
Yes, it hurts... it hurts so bad
I don't think it'll ever go away
I'm sure it won't, this is another pain
That is a part of me
No, it'll never go away at all
I'm surprised at how familiar my son's face
Is when I sit to look at it
It's like he really isn't gone at all
He's so real to me... so 'here'
Does this make sense
He seems so 'here'...
So... like he hasn't gone away
Now, if I could reach out to touch him
If I could just reach out to touch his shoulder
To say "hello, Son"....
"I'm so glad to see you"...
"I've missed you so much"...
I miss my son with my very heart
I look at his photo ... look at his face
How so familiar, so fresh it seems
Like he isn't gone at all... like it was yesterday I saw him
I see a little spot over his left eyebrow
That I was very concerned about
I 'know' it was basal cell carcinoma
I wanted him to have it checked out
After he was gone, I remember
How when I thought about him
I would think he needs to go.....
It would hit me that 'no', he doesn't have to ... now
I was looking at a photo of him sitting, holding Taban
On the day he was born... March 16, 2007
He barely made it to the hospital
He drove his big truck there, parked it in the lot
I looked at this photo of him, his eyes red
His face flushed from fatigue
He was so happy-tired as looked into the lens
Of the camera, of him and little Taban who looked just like him
Tommy had on a blue tee shirt
I see his gold chain with my gold nugget on it
The gold nugget that used to be my class ring
I gave it to him years ago, it was given back to me by his wife
Tommy had that gold necklace with the gold nugget
On when he collapsed on the sand
It was around his neck when he went to heaven
I sit and hold it in my hands sometimes.....
Sometimes, I wear it and I find myself
Reaching up to touch the gold nugget with my fingers
I touch it, feel it between my forefinger and thumb
I touch it gently as if... I'm touching Tommy's hair
I touch it as if I'm patting his head
As I did when I last saw my son
A pain fills my heart when I do this
I remember when my hand last touched his hair
I can't think any farther now
I might see in my mind what I don't want to remember
I feel myself taking deep breaths again
Because what I don't remember ... I'll always remember
My stomach feels funny again
I think for now... I'll think of dragonflies, catfish eating in that pond
In my mind, I am going to see sunshine, clear water
Deer standing all around looking at me
Happy thoughts fill my mind
To ease the grief inside my heart
I can feel the comfort of the warmth
Of the sunshine's golden glow
I feel the grief ebbing away
Just as the waves leave the shore
That I'm sure Tommy saw just before
He walked into heaven from the sand
With a happy smile on his face
Because he did exactly what he most wanted to do
That was to play with little Taban at the beach
He got to ... for his first time... for his last time
God called his name to come home now, that...
There were angels close by to watch over Taban
Only then, did Tommy let go
To go home, to go home... it was time
I Need Happy Thoughts... Today
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Hey, I've been down to where the catfish play
Come to the surface for pieces of bread
Little-big mouths gulping
Making baby sounds as they eat!
Hey, I just saw a blue dragonfly
land on that blade of green grass
It sat there for several moments
Looking at me!
Hey, what's that sound I just heard
There to the right of where I stand
Right there in those trees
Is a deer looking at me!
I walked down to the pond to watch
The catfish come to the surface
They know when you are coming
It's the bread they are used to getting
The catfish are rushing to the surface
As you peer into the water
They know that they are going to get bread
At that pond, it's always been that way
This has been dragonfly summer this year
Never in my life have I ever been so aware
Of dragonflies of different kinds, many colors
I think of Tommy when I see dragonflies
Deer are abundant in the area we live in
They stand in our yard to eat grass
They walk, run, play in safety here
Knowing we love them, appreciate seeing them
It's a dragonfly summer this year
In all my life I've never seen as many
Dragonflies that fly up to me to look me in the face
I wonder if it's Tommy coming to visit me
I have never been around dragonflies
It seems though, they want to come around me
I wonder if one is Tommy coming
To see me?
When I think about such special thoughts
They push the sad thoughts to the back
Of my mind, trying to make them go away
Sad thoughts like I'm trying to think today
I love the sunshine shining so bright
Today the sunshine is hiding somewhere behind the clouds
Won't you please come out to cheer me up
I need you, sunshine ... to chase the shadows away
Oh yes, look at the dragonflies in my mind
Look at the shiny colors of blue, red, glossy black, green
Dragonflies of many happy colors
Make me smile, think of Tommy
My heart softens at the baby-sounds the catfish make
When they gently surface the water to eat their bread
Happy little-big mouths gulping softly,
Each getting a piece of bread as another little-big mouth takes its place
One deer stands out in the grass looking at me
She's standing apart from her deer friends
She stands quietly, giving me the chance
To feel honored that ... she trusts me, isn't afraid of me
Thoughts such as these
When I concentrate fully on them
Won't let me be sad, unhappy
As long as I think... of only them
Golden sunshine, green grass
Clear, sparkling water in the pond
Little-big mouths and dragonflies
Deer running, playing are happy thoughts I ... need today
Monday, August 20, 2012
She Says Everyone Is A Victim Of The Past... Of Generations Before
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Shoot before asking questions. 'If they survive'... ask questions later.
Hate with all your heart anyone who tries to be good, to be a better person, or to fight and dare pull yourself up to be somebody....
If they've ever made a mistake... never forgive or forget... but, be sure to try to blackmail, threaten them whenever they try to do good in life. Sneer at them out of hate, anger, jealousy... grind your teeth when saying their names.........
Let fire come from your hateful eyes when seeing, thinking about the 'goody-good shoes' as you call this woman, or any other family member who tries to hold themselves up ...from drowning in the pit of .... hell..........
Superiority complex... even when having nothing, thinking one is better than the other, or smarter... when they are neither. God help them when they do have anything....
Domination... they have to dominate by holding someone down, so... they can have someone 'look up to them'.... 'control their asses'.......
Cut down a child when it isn't protected by its parents... beat it, slap it around, kick it ... there's no one around to protect it. Oh... I forgot... don't forget to rape or molest it. Scream at it, making sure it knows it isn't as good as 'your children' ... make sure it knows it can never be anything in life... destroy it.
Make sure you let that child know you have things it wished it had but, no one would get for them.. make it cry because you rubbed it in... hurt that child good... it deserves it for being born.
Make that child hate, make it very angry... make it a part of the family that is ... a nest of black widow spiders, mostly all female... mostly angry females who want to bite, destroy because they are never happy, satisfied....
Mold your children into being like you... greedy, mean, narrow-minded, always looking for ways to take advantage of others, try to get that dollar any way you can manipulate, con, blackmail, threaten someone out of it.
I know a family who is just like this. You wouldn't recognize them because they smile, they are kind just like you and I. They look like everyone else... so sweet, so loving. So are... serial murderers....
God help the ones who become their victim... when the 'black widow spider' strikes! She's all over the victim, trying to paralyze it so, she can eat it... destroy it.
Ruthless... if the victim has money... the black widow spider 'is going to possess it'... she justifies 'why' it should be 'hers'. The few males born in that family... are like them... they are lucky they get to survive... the scars they carry in life.........
Make the victim helpless before striking... shoot it, knock its legs out from under it before.... letting them 'know why' you are attacking them.
Better yet... don't ever offer an explanation of 'why you attacked'... just do it.
They are proud of how 'mean, strong, and vicious' they are. It's quite a sight when someone gets the best of them.... they begin to crawl into hiding, locking up behind them so, no one can follow... to give them their 'medicine back'.... to give them what they deserve after mistreating people so unfairly, being so cruel to them.
It's so strange... this goes way back through generations. The ones left grew up knowing it was called a 'family name streak'.... yet ..no one could put words to it... but, they recognized it when another began displaying signs of it.
King of the mountain... I'm bigger than you are... come through me to get it... I can outbest you... I will beat you physically to show you who is boss...
These are just a few things I know about this family... sadly, their children will never know until later in life.... all of this has happened 'before them'... they've done nothing 'new'... they are just newer members of a family that 'goes way back'... all have had the 'family name streak'. Some more, some less....
That's not to say that there aren't good people in that family. I know some of them personally.. they all carry battle scars they earned trying to survive their childhood, trying to learn how to grow up, from such pain inflicted upon their hearts, bodies. They never get over it, they learn to live with it. They also, learn to stay away from their own families... sometimes from even their own children!
I know of a recent incident... where the child of a woman's brother, whom she loved dearly... was attacked verbally 'out of the blue'. She never one time in life did anything to hurt that child, or its family... never. I know this woman... she doesn't even feel mad now about it... only pain in her heart. She says she knows that 'both her and the child are victims of the past'... she knows it, but... the child doesn't know it... yet.
She made an innocent comment to the child about a banner she saw for the college. She thought of him, was proud and happy that he was soon going to begin college.
Out of the blue, he began attacking her with words to the effect... 'you never came to see us, you stayed away all these years excepting when we helped you with a project, and several years later helped you move, you hurt me'........
The sad thing is that this woman knew what he was talking about.... but, what she couldn't tell him was the reasons for that... it didn't have anything to do with her love for them. She just asked him this.... 'is it possible that you could .... forgive me?' He never answered her.. never.
How could she tell him that when she and her husband did come to see them through the years, their mother wouldn't come out of the bedroom because she was still asleep, or that they weren't invited inside for always some reason... the house wasn't clean or someone's asleep.
How could she tell him that even he didn't seem to think it a big deal when they came by periodically to see them. How could she tell him that she tried to have a relationship... by calling sometimes. How could she tell him that.... no one ever called back, including him? No one ever come to see them, including him when he got his drivers' license, was old enough to choose where he wanted to go.... how she only lived maybe 5-6 miles from him?
She didn't bother to tell him that she 'knew why'... and she never held it against any of them. She was older, she already had 'grown up' in that family.... she had more scars than he'd ever have in his life surviving such a family.
She didn't bother to remind him of anything because he was a child .... if he couldn't remember any of those things he wouldn't believe her. Because he began to be very ugly, disrespectful of her for the first time in his life... when he said this to her ....'oh yeah, when did that happen?'
He said this when she mentioned to him several things including the death of her son, his first cousin. He ..... didn't know .... anything.
He didn't know she almost died... that his whole family drove by blowing the horn, waving ... while she sat on the front porch in a daze from drugs that were saving her life... she'd just survived major surgery to remove a large mass off her left lung resting against her heart... non-Hodgkins lymphoma.
Not one of her family members ever came to her bedside excepting for deceased brother, one of her aunts... they each came one time.
Her mother, nor the man she loved as her father came. For months she fought the battle of life just to survive... only to have her mother ask her 'you have cancer?!!!'
Her mother 'forgot'.... when her husband had called her to tell her how bad off her daughter was.... how she waited laying there deathly ill just 'knowing her mama would crawl to get to her if she knew something was wrong with her child'............ afterall, didn't her stepfather tell her how much her mother loved her, how she'd crawl to get to her if something happened to her? This woman 'had to crawl to see her mother, deathly ill ... wanting to see her mama, to draw comfort that wasn't there... from her'.
No one ever came to see her, no one ever cared. She didn't hold it against them ever... it hurt this woman, but... she understood 'how they were'.
Also, they all may have lived too far away.... upwards of maybe 5 to 25 miles... away. This woman said.... they don't mean to be that way, they can't help it... we are all victims of the past. She said this also... I know they love me anyway, they know I love them.
This woman had even shown her mother and step-father her head... without hair. She took the beautiful wig off that her husband bought for her to wear... to show them. She knew that sometimes in her family 'one had to show something in order for it to be believed'. Her mother smiled at her... no one acted like it was a big deal............................................
This woman never held it against her mother...she knew her mother's youngest sister had for years worked to turn her against her. All because of jealousy, the need to dominate, control her sisters to 'love only her'... the younger sister was ...very, very sick mentally... though, very, very intelligent. This woman always loved her, too... she knew 'why' she was like that.
'Why' did this woman love all these people in her family? I asked her.. her answer was 'to know someone......... is to love them......... know their ways even if they aren't good ways... go past that and....... love them'. She always loved them... though she didn't allow herself to go near them except in passing when she would be very nice to them, and leave soon as possible.
There were some family members she did care more for......... though she tried not to. This woman didn't want to feel any more pain than she had in her life...
As for the son of her brother who hurt her to her heart....... when she did get him and his brother to help with her mushroom project... she paid them well for what they did. When he and his brother and father helped with moving them.... she and her husband paid them well for helping in money, and lots of things given to them. They never took advantage of them, never.
As the woman told me these things to write about her... she asked me not to reveal her name. She knows she is recognized by the people she wants to recognize her. She hasn't done anything wrong to them... she loves them.
She also, said that the little money left over from the insurance policy isn't worth what her nephew said to hurt her... that she felt he 'was a mirror reflecting off his family, reflecting things said'...... they thought she would be out shopping with a whole ....$5,000.
The woman told me how no one else helped her step-father with the funeral arrangement expenses when her mother died, she did. One family member came with his money... when he left ... he took it back with him, never mentioned it again.
She wishes her nephews only good things in their life... along with her brother.................................. and his wife, whom she defended through the years when no one liked her. She never said one unkind word about her, she always thought she was a smart girl. She's only held the highest respect for her, and was glad her brother had her for his wife.
Even through the years people would tell this woman that her nephew's mother didn't like her... she never believed it because, she only held good feelings toward her. How wrong this woman was... one goes back through time to connect the dots.................
One other thing this woman said to me was the fact that if she'd kept on to be a 'bad' person...... maybe doing drugs, drinking, committing lots of crimes, prostituting and 'all of those 'good' things'.......... her family would have accepted her, loved her through the years. They damned her, hated her because she tried to be a good person... no matter what 'good' she ever did, said.... it was eventually turned into 'bad' by her family.
The woman I'm writing about...said she loved them... anyway. The one thing stands out in her mind is how her nephew.... such an innocent person... would hurt her so deeply.... this woman is the one their step-father left a $5,000 insurance policy to ... did her nephew hear talk that his aunt was 'rich' and would be spending $5,000 'to have a good time'... and not split it with her brother?
If so, hopefully her nephew will read the story she just wrote concerning it. Also... her nephew will have to be so much older to ever understand any of what he's reading. He 'just doesn't know'... he may never know. It depends on how he goes on to expand his mind as well as in his love of sports. She thinks he'll do both.
I've been in contact with this woman alot lately... she is a 'part of my family, someone I care about'. It doesn't matter if she doesn't want her name to be used.... the main people who subscribe, read my blog...will most definitely know who she is.
Just remember... that woman said she still loves all of you even, if she never sees or hears from you again. She only sends good thoughts, wishes to you all. She realizes just saying that can incite anger, hate just like 'pouring gas on a fire'.... you all will believe only what you want to believe as long it makes you feel good/bad.... whatever feeling you are seeking.
This woman said she loves me, too.. for getting her message here where her family will see, know... even at the risk of more turning against her... she can cope with that, also. She's learned to be 'damn strong' in her lifetime now.
She understands 'why'... she says 'everyone is a victim of the past, of generations before.......' It has nothing to do 'with love'. Everyone is a victim of the past... of generations before.....
Sunday, August 19, 2012
$5,000 Life Insurance Policy... Promises Kept
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
The funeral home director pulled out the bill for the direct cremation, from his desk. He handed it to the woman who sat before him. She was beneficiary of a little $5,000 life insurance policy that was taken out ten years ago.
The woman remembered the conversation with her step-father as they sat talking one day. Her step-father told her about the policy, he told her what to do when 'one day came and he wasn't here anymore'.
He told her to not have a funeral service for him, to just simply have his body cremated, to keep the ashes to one day mix with her mother's... and scatter them together at the place where he lived.
He told her to take the policy, pay for his funeral arrangements, to keep what was left for herself. He said he knew she'd helped him pay for her mother's funeral arrangements when her brothers didn't help him. He wanted her to keep what was left over after the arrangements for him.
She looked down at the bill the funeral director presented her. He told her that all she had to do was to sign the papers, all would be taken care of. Her step-father's sister and brother had already been there, made arrangements for the direct cremation, so forth.
They didn't know that her step-father had made her legal representative in decision making processes regarding her step-father's medical treatment, choice of hospital facilities, and other matters which related to medical procedures in conjunction with his prescribed treatment plan.
They also, didn't know about this clause in that legal form she had, that said: This limited appointment pertains only to medical treatment hospitalization, and .... in the event of said her step-father's name (here) death to make arrangements for final disposition of his remains.
The legal form was dated February 06, 2006. The life insurance policy was taken out on March 05, 2002, one year after her mother's death.
The woman looked down at the 'Statement Of Funeral Goods And Services Selected' bill the funeral director gave her. This is what was already selected, arranged for by her step-father's brother and sister:
Total Professional Services $2, 654
Transfer of Remains To Funeral Home $411.00
Direct Cremation Fee $400.00
Cardboard Container For Cremation $74.00
Sales Tax $5.00
Death Certificates (2) $20.00
Paid Obituary $130.00
Total All Selections: $3, 694
She sat and thought about this... she looked up at the funeral director and told him that before she signed ... she'd just like to tell him something that he did back in 2001 when her mother died, and charged for it when it wasn't required. She wanted to get it off her chest because it was wrong for him to have done it. It no longer mattered, she just wanted ... him to know.
The funeral director's face took on a defensive expression, said he would like to know what it was. She told him that she had told her husband that before she signed any papers that she wanted the funeral director to know that she knew he'd charged for embalming her mother by making her step- father think it was required. By law it wasn't... unless the body is infectious, or going to be held over for a long period of time... none of which applied to her mother.
The funeral director agreed that that 'shouldn't have been done and I'll check into that'. The woman told him that it no longer mattered... she just wanted him to know what he'd done. He was the one who did it.........
The woman could have had another funeral home come to pick up her step-father's body, had it transferred... the costs would have been half of what this funeral home was charging.
She could have.... 'not' .....signed any papers to be responsible for payment. There was nothing that made her 'have to use that little $5,000 life insurance policy'.... to pay for that funeral arrangement.
The woman could have.... just walked out of the funeral home. She could have just called another funeral home to come get the body. She could have caused more grief for her step-father's sister, and brother.
She ..... could have kept every penny of that $5,000 life insurance policy. She was sole beneficiary of it.
The woman sat there for a minute... she let the funeral director know that she had a legal paper saying that 'she had the right to make all the funeral arrangements .... she pulled it out of the folder.
The funeral director took it, made a copy of it. He acknowledged that she was the one who had say-so how it was arranged.
The woman decided that instead of hurting her step-father's sister, his brother.... causing more grief.... by having the body transferred......
Instead of being an ugly person because she didn't like this dishonest man sitting before her......
Instead of making all new arrangements and ignoring the arrangements made by the step-father's brother and sister.......
Instead of just getting up... deciding to keep all of that $5,000 (God knows she needed it, she and her husband were going through a hard time).........
This woman looked at the funeral director, down at the papers on his desk... and
Began signing them. She wasn't going to cause more unnecessary grief to her step-father's family.... this woman knew grief only too well.
She wasn't going to just walk off and keep the whole $5,000 to herself.....
She wasn't going to change any of the arrangements the brother and sister had already made....
The woman finished signing papers, got up, asked to see her step-father for one last time.
She was taken to a room where he laid on a stainless steel table wrapped in a white sheet, his head up on a 'block'. The room was cold...
The woman stood there looking down at the man whom she loved very much until the day he decided he wanted to go with other women, live a life without her in it anymore.. the day he turned a cold shoulder to her.
She never stopped loving him, though the pain in her heart always remained great. This was the man whom was so good to her, and was the only man in the world she ever thought of as 'father'.
As she stood there... she was numb. She didn't want to feel anything toward him.... little by little... grief began seeping into her consciousness...
No! She didn't want to feel anymore pain... no! She tried to feel only anger at him as she looked at his face. She began to cry on the inside for the man who laid there... the man that 'used to be her father'... the man whose last words to her were:
'You'll always be my daughter no matter what, I love you. Bye-Bye'. This was in the last phone conversation they ever had...
She touched his face with her hand, it was so cold. She was so cold with the shock of learning he'd died...
The woman never wanted to forget him, the only man who ever told her he loved her as his daughter. The woman took her cellphone out, took 2 photos of him to have always.
She turned away, opened the door and smiled politely at the funeral director, two of his colleagues standing in the hallway. She thanked him, he walked her to the door making conversation. She had nothing to say to him... she'd said it all. She walked out...
Shortly thereafter... she pulled out in front of two cars .. each coming from a different direction. She doesn't remember how the two cars avoided hitting her... she just knew ... she wasn't in any condition to drive.
She pulled into a parking lot, called her husband to tell him what just happened. He was so upset that she could have been killed... he talked to her as she drove home.
When she got home, she laid down on the bed... very sad.. at the same time feeling good that she'd kept her promise to her step-father.... she 'did right'.
Lena In Sweden...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Lena, what can I say
Excepting no words I can say
Can describe the sister/friendship we had
How we were in contact daily for twelve years
I lived in the United States, you lived in Sweden
It was such fun learning from each other
About the many ways our different cultures
Were different from the other
We sent each other wonderful boxes
Filled with good things for the other to taste
With fun things to wear from each other's country
We sent beautiful letters, cards
For twelve years we wrote, never got to meet
Each other... it didn't matter we already knew the other
We did get to hear each other's voices over the phone
I've never forgotten how your voice sounds, Lena
I loved you as my best systervan, you were my family
You meant the world to me
I just wanted you to know
That I'll never forget you, Lena... never
Love Your Systervan, Gloria