Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Monday, August 27, 2012
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
This morning I woke up to quietness in the house... I could hear the clock ticking. I never wake up hearing the clock tick. Tick... tick... tick...
I laid there looking at the clock, I have it set for 6:00 am this morning. I saw the hands on ... 4:00 am.
Should I get up, go to my computer for a little while... should I stay here in bed, try to go back to sleep. Now... you all know the decision I made! I'm here!
I haven't decided on what I'll write about today... since I'm here, I would like to tell all my readers 'good morning'... and I would like to say I appreciate so much all of you who come here to write the words I write. It's such an honor... it really means the world to me.
I love writing. I want to write some short stories in the future, you know ...'to try my hand at it'. In my whole life, my imagination has always created ideas for me to do in everyday life.
I remember my stepfather telling me many years ago.... 'Faye-Faye, you always have a way of making something out of nothing'. He used to think I had a 'green thumb', also.
As for the green thumb... I never knew anything about plants, but... I would try to 'sense, feel' what they needed. :))) When I did that, it seemed to work! I created an 'oasis' once for both my mom, and stepfather.
You wouldn't believe what I did where there was only sand... This was twenty-some years ago, I was so much stronger and my body hadn't been through all the 'battles' I've fought since then.
I made trees grow there, many plants and rocks... there were little paths to follow as one walked 'within'... there was a place to sit down, to enjoy the beauty. I did it so, my mama could walk out onto their deck to sit ... enjoy. She was sick, and had been through major surgery at that time.
When I didn't have the money to buy things to create with... I always managed to come up with a creative way to make all work. One day, 'if' I can find a photo of what I did... I will put it here for you all to see.
One day I will take the time to put more photos here... I know when we can 'see things'... it makes all more 'real'... more special. I'm a visual person, I love to see things as well as to touch them.
I noticed that one of my cousin's daughters does the same thing. She loves flowers, gardens and such. I believe we got that love for flowers, gardens from our Grandmother Alma. When I was a little girl, she always wanted me to plant flowers outside her window for her to see.
Looking back, I didn't understand 'then'.... 'why'. Looking back I can 'see in my mind'..... her walking, moving around.... then, I see her sitting in that upholstered recliner that she sat in for twenty-some years... she'd become paralyzed.
I have a mental block as to 'when' she had a stroke outside the house, working in her flowers. She worked at a place called Burlington Mills, came home to work in the heat... in the heat of the day. This is the impression I've carried all these years.
In my little girl mind, I remember seeing her walking, smiling.... then, she was laying.......in 'that'.... room the blue-ball lightening would roll out of toward me whenever.... there was a thunderstorm....... my youngest aunt's bedroom..... there was all of a sudden a hospital bed there, and all was white in there... I remember tiptoeing in there to look up on the bed.
I would look at my Grandma Alma laying there... her eyes stayed closed. She was in a coma... though as a little girl, I never knew what that meant. I do remember excitement when months later... when my uncle was in her room helping to care for her.
I remember everyone saying he was there with his back to her doing something... and how it scared him when 'out of the blue'... she spoke to him. After that... Grandma Alma 'came back to life' in my mind.
I didn't know what I would write about this morning when I first sat down here. It seems my fingers began typing, and I've written something.... I've written 'memories'. I guess you all know by now, that my Grandma Alma was most special to me, that I loved her next to my mama... as a little girl. Also, George was most special to me. She was paralyzed, he was blind.
You wouldn't believe the things they did, how they became caretakers of lots of little unwanted children thrown on them, how they tried to give them a home.... when they didn't have anything to give. All they had was... love.
Grandma Alma couldn't walk, though when she tried... one of her legs dragged, one of her arms hung useless. I remember seeing her with her one good hand, one good leg... pushing that walker. She would have a twinkle in her eyes, smile on her face. I see that even now... I can cry over her. She was 'my mama', too.
George was blind... I heard all kinds of stories as 'to how' he became blinded. I can't honestly say, I don't know. The impression I have is that someone fought with him in the kitchen, somehow his face went into a towel rack mounted on the back of the door... the kind where there are several 'wire arms' sticking out for towels to be hung on.
Looking back at them, what they lived in, how they had to live... one can only hold admiration in their eyes for them. They should have been in the book of Guinness... they were some of the most amazing people I ever knew... in my entire life. A paralyzed woman, a blind man. Oh, how I loved them with my very heart.
I feel guilt even today ... I wish I could have been big enough to have made such a real difference in their life. I wish I could have taken good things to them to eat, to drink. I wish I could have made their home much better. I wish I could have given them money, I wish... I wish... I wish.
The strange thing is ... it took many of my young years just to learn things that were already taught by parents to their children. I had to learn to 'open my eyes and see' through hard lessons of life. I look back and 'see there was no way for me to know so much' ... that makes me say 'I wish'..... 'now'.
I didn't have parents to teach me anything. All of my 'role models' were going through 'hell', themselves. I lived in 'daily wars'... I tried to 'dodge' battles happening around me. I look back... I can 'see' that I tried to read, to watch, to learn 'everything'... trying to better myself.
My eyes were opened as a little girl when some of my classmates took it upon themselves to give me a bar of soap, tolietries one day. I'll never forget the names of those girls as they stood around me, their eyes looking gently at me... feeling sorry for me..... Mary Pat, Kathy, Hope, Betty Ann were some of them.
They opened my 'little girl' eyes up to ... make me aware that I needed to begin taking care of my body... I must have smelled so bad. Grandma Alma and George tried... there wasn't anyone there to take care of 'them', nor their house.
When some of the family would 'sail through, stay for a time'... the house would begin to sparkle... when they left.... the sparkle went with them. Darkness... came back.... roaches, kiddiddle hoppers, rats.. spiders... scary things that terrified a ... little girl.
When thunderstorms occurred... blue -ball lightening would roll out of 'that' room... when she'd have to go out on that back porch at nighttime to the bathroom... things would try to jump on her... something was always trying to 'get her'... even people around her... who smiled with their fake smiles to fool everyone... but, she ... wasn't fooled. They made her nervous, afraid.
This morning it is 15 til 6... the alarm clocks are set to go off at 6:00 am... my cellphone is set to go off at 6:00 am. 'Look how far I have traveled in a short time'.... back into my memory. I have begun to feel shaky inside, tense. I was only going to 'write something' this morning as it came to my mind 'until the alarm clocks went off'.......
I'm thinking this very moment .... I'll put my mind in 'forward'. I was beginning to feel 'bad' feelings from 'then'.
Before I begin feeding our Kissy Fairchild, Sweet Chadwick... I will say I'm glad I have you all to come to .... talk to. I appreciate, treasure each of you who take your time to stop here to read. You all... really mean the world to me. Love, Granny Gee/Gloria Faye Brown Bates :)))
PS... I wish I could go back, make life special for every person I loved with my heart... who were good to me, who made a difference in my miserable life as a child... who even spoke a kind word to me, or even smiled at me... to make me feel like a person as a child.
I also, would make life special for every cousin who went through the same as I did... we all carry scars even today. I love you all. I wish......................