Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Monday, September 17, 2012
Another... 'Tommy Time'... It Hurts So Bad
Another..... 'Tommy Time'........ It Hurts So Bad
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Everything is going to be alright.... tears falling like a waterfall of cascading diamonds onto a sea of black velvet, twinkling up pure grief.... no one can see... but, I feel with my very heart.
Pain that goes along with the grief... oh my God, does it ever hurt so, so bad. So much so... I just can't find the right words to really describe... I mean 'to really, really describe'... GRIEF... to you so, that you can 'feel, see, know'.
I feel it all inside... I've been crying alot 'inside' for the past week. This week has been a 'Tommy Time'... I didn't know it was going to be.
Everywhere I've went... I've seen 'Tommy'. This happens from time to time... it has happened again. It's so strange. When I see a tall, big, muscular guy... who has his hair trimmed neatly, is blonde... walk as smoothly, proud like Tommy did.... I can't help but, to look.
I try not to be noticed when this happens... in this world 'today', one can get the wrong impression. The first thing one would think is that 'there's a cougar on the prowl'... you know... an older women trying to get a younger man'.
How would someone know that all I 'see'.... is 'Tommy'... 'just trying to see, imagine him alive again... trying to 'see' him walking, actually moving.... again'. The last time ... I saw Tommy... he wasn't moving... he won't move ... ever again.
Sometimes, they will have on sunglasses like Tommy's, a tee shirt like Tommy loved to wear, sometimes a soft smile ... like Tommy used to 'wear' on his face. So far.... I haven't heard a soft voice like Tommy's.
It's like my time stops.... for moments while I really try to make Tommy come back. It does sound crazy, doesn't it? I sound 'crazy', don't I?
It's the pain, it's the grief I'm carrying inside... it does make me 'crazy', I guess. It's a wonder.... that I haven't gone 'stark crazy'.... I just wish my son wasn't... dead. Now, I've gone and said it.... D-E-A-D!
My son is dead, and God knows I've never felt such pain in my entire life.
I am wiping 'diamonds' off my cheeks as they fall... they are wet, shiny.... I'm wiping the pain, grief away that I can't see... I can only feel.
If you saw me now.... you'd only see some old teardrops... never knowing it's ....'pure,liquid pain.........pure liquid grief'.
They tickle my cheeks as they flow down them, my hands reach up to make it stop.
Yes, I have been depressed this past week... there have been several people who told me they sensed it. I appreciated them caring, even to say they cared. That was ... special. It meant alot to me. In fact, it meant the world to me. Skip has noticed, cared with his heart... he knows it's a 'Tommy Time'.
'Tommy Time'... those are the words that come to mind when I try to think of how to describe what I'm going through. I can only say I'm going through a 'Tommy Time'.
Do you know .... my mind feels like a 'scream' sometimes? The words that 'go out from it silently' are.... 'Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Please come back! Tommy, I miss you! Tommy, Tommy.. it hurts so bad, it just hurts so, so bad. I miss you, son.
I don't even.... ever question 'why?' That's because I'll never have an answer... one never gets answers to such a question.
'Why?' would I be the exception?
'Who?' am I? '
What?' would make me think I'm anymore important to know .... than anyone else who has lost a child?
'See why?'...... I don't question 'why?' the death of my son, Tommy. I would be wasting my time.... stuck in the 'world of why?' I know there are reasons for everything.
So far... I don't 'see' the reason Tommy had to go... Tommy had to die... but, I accept that he is gone.
I can write about the pain, grief that's left behind in the wake... in the powerful wake left ... from a big boat in the water moving forward... hard, fast.... one that crashes... all to pieces. Pieces thrown up in the air, projected through the water... just a major explosion. Never-ending........... never-ending.
It's more than what I wrote... it hurts more than my words tried to describe... I can't find new words to describe pain, grief... though, I will always keep trying.
For a few moments, I 'let' myself feel ... anger. I think ...'I'm just mad, I'm just real mad... it's not fair that 'my son' is gone!'
For a few moments only... do I let myself 'drown in pity, anger'... I abruptly stop it. I can't stay there on that level... that's 'not me'.
I've never lived 'in self-pity'.... but, most of my life I have lived with anger... though, I learned to channel it in a positive way. I learned what forgiveness was... and how good it felt 'inside'. I forgave 'unthinkable things others have inflicted upon me'.
I learned how to 'say I'm sorry'... that it didn't make me less than a person, or weaker............. to say ...'I'm sorry'. I don't want to hurt anyone... yet, sometimes I'm put in a situation I do, and don't ... mean to. I'm only sorry that I've had to... or that I did.
What has Tommy's death taught me in 'Life's Lessons'?
Alot....... I will write that next, it'll be entitled..... 'What Tommy's Death Has Taught Me In Life's Lessons'........
For this time, right this moment.... I've written about another 'Tommy Time'... to let you know that you are right.... yes, I'm sad again, I'm missing my child, I'm wishing for him not to be gone. I've been so depressed... but, I'm going to be alright.
I'm 'on the way up' now, at this very moment.... imagine a diver who goes 'too deep'... and is struggling to make it back to the surface, back to safety.
Oh, how they fight to live, to go on... to just get back to that boat... out of the ocean.... to lie on the floor, gasping for breath, taking deep breaths of relief... just to have lived... one more time.
To look up at the sunshine, the sky, clouds... so, so happy to have made it... to be so glad to be... alive. To be so.... thankful to have not drowned in the sea of grief, pain... when it'd be only ...too easy to.
Another 'Tommy Time'.... yes, this has been another Tommy Time. I think I can be like that diver now... I may be lying on the deck of that boat... looking up, so grateful to be safe... feeling that sunshine on my cold, cold body.... hearing seagulls, watching the big, puffy, white clouds as they move happily in the deep, blue sky.... yes, Granny Gee is seeing her 'happy colors', again.
Everything is going to be... alright. It really is.