Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Tommy Couldn't Sing... But, It Was Beautiful To Me
Tommy Couldn't Sing... But, It Was Beautiful To Me
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I've been having a 'Tommy Day'... all day I've 'seen Tommy everywhere'. I've been tearful, wishing for my son to be here. Every tall, muscular big guy who is blonde-headed ... has looked alot like Tommy.
I've seen Tommy everywhere.. today.
Sometimes, I just hold my head in my hands, my eyes closed tightly, tears falling... as the pain of knowing he's really 'not here'... washes over me. It weakens me when I feel 'strong' again.
I wish my son was here, even if he wanted to 'mess my hair up'... I would gladly let him. Tommy used to do that because he was so much taller than I... and laugh so much!
This happens through time since Tommy died... over and over. 'When?'... it just happens out of the blue... grief.
Out of the ocean of pain one can't see with the naked eye.... a huge wave of pure grief washes over me, threatening to pull me out to sea... the sea of the most awful pain a mother ever knows in her life... the death of her child.
The grief I feel ... I really try so hard to hold it inside ... I think I can only go so long fooling myself into thinking.... I won't cry anymore, that I've reached a place in time .... the pain won't hurt now. It's all a lie, you know.
See, when this mother lost her son... she still hurts to the depths of her heart, soul. Did you read my poem 'Footprints In The Sand... Side By Side'? Did you 'see, feel' my heart breaking as I wrote that sometime ago?
I tried reading it to Skip again, I broke down crying. So much of my 'pain, grief' was infused in every word I wrote in that poem.
Writing my pain............. I feel every stroke.... letter I type... it hurts so bad. When I'm happy... every letter, stroke feels so... good... when I'm typing out .. happy colors of my life.
I was trying to 'feel Tommy, feel my son'... as he left the sand that evening... that evening when... he had 'to go home'....... when I wrote that poem. A mother can 'think like her child' sometimes... because they know them so well. There are things 'I know'.... because I'm Tommy's mother.
I was trying to feel my little grandson's heart... as he ran to his daddy, the big guy on the ground. I can 'see, hear' Taban in my mind as I imagine him running to his daddy asking in his sweet voice.... 'Daddy, are you playing? Daddy, won't you get up, come play with me?'.
Can you imagine a little three year old boy who looked up to his daddy, wanted to do things 'just like daddy'.... standing, maybe dropping to his little knees ...taking his little hands to shake, touch... trying to wake his daddy up?
You see... these are thoughts that go through my mind, torment me... and my heart feels for this little grandson of mine. Afterwards, he would lay down on the ground sometimes to look up to the sky... and say 'my daddy's dead'. It broke my heart. I still see this inside....
I see his little face looking up to the sky saying, 'my daddy's up there'. Lately ... Taban's little sweet face has filled my mind.... I wish to see him so much.
Yesterday as I drove along... there was a white pickup in front of me with two big, strong guys inside. I didn't pay them alot of attention... at least I didn't think I was....
My mind was on Tommy ... so much. Miles down the road, I began to be conscious of 'myself paying close attention' to the two big guys in that white pickup truck. I became aware of 'why' I was thinking of Tommy so strongly ...
I had been watching as I drove along... those two guys 'looked like Tommy' from where I sat. Those two guys were being playful, having a fun time riding along. I 'saw Tommy' ... when the guy on the passenger side began 'to dance', to be 'silly, carefree'.
He put his arms up in the air, rocked his body as... he kept rhythm to the music. I could see his profile as he turned his head... he was.... singing!
Tommy! That's how Tommy used to do when he was happy, silly, carefree! I began smiling, tears ran down my face.... I 'felt' those two guys in front of me.... I 'felt feelings a mother would have toward her child'..... he's happy, life is good.
I felt happy that ....they were happy. I felt happy when my son was happy... he never knew alot of happiness. It meant so much to me when he was happy.
My son, my precious son... I miss him with my very heart. At this moment... as I think about those two big guys on that white pickup (Tommy drove a big, white pickup, also).... I smile, my face wet from teardrops... diamond-like, sparkling teardrops.
I called Skip to tell him, and we talked for a while about Tommy... how he did this, how he did that. If people saw me talking... they may have thought I was talking to myself... I was talking on the bluetooth. My hair covers it... so, sometimes I will see someone staring... I know what they are thinking!
I am seeing in my mind this morning as I write... those two big, handsome guys... sons of mothers somewhere who are proud of them... just as I was of my big, handsome son. Neither aware ... of this mother who lost her son.... who for a few moments... 'saw her son'.................. in their sons.
I smile this morning thinking a very silly question (yes, Tommy, even if you are gone I have to say this.....). As I watched the profile yesterday of one of the big guys sing... I wondered this......... 'can he really sing a tune?'
Tommy couldn't sing! (I had to say it, Tommy!) :)))
P.S. I can 'see in my mind'.... Tommy smiling as I 'told the truth'. He used to tell me this... 'mama, you are just jealous because I can sing, and you can't!'
The truth was... Tommy sang just like his mama... neither of us could sing. We could draw, paint, create.... but, we just ... couldn't sing! Tommy, just because you are 'gone'... I still have to say 'you couldn't sing'...... but, it was beautiful to me!