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grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
I Didn't Save The World As I Meant To Do...
I DIDN'T SAVE THE WORLD AS .. I MEANT TO DO
24 December, 2011
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
(Note: I am reblogging this from December 2011 when I began writing...)
Skip and I were talking this morning over pancakes that he made for us. Those pancakes were extra-good because... he made them. He put butter on each stack and drizzled syrup over them. Hot coffee topped it off.
I like not pretending to others I have more than I really have, it is so much easier.. to be just ourselves. This was our main topic this morning over those pancakes.
We talked about how through the years we've had 'a lot'... and went on to 'not have a lot'... all the while 'pretending' to still have it all. It was such a struggle not to show weakness to our 'friends and family'... not to let them see that we didn't have 'big' money anymore. Skip pretended longer than I did. I don't like to play games and though I have so much pride......... I don't like having to be... something that I'm not at all.
Playing The Game...... I got tired of playing the game. It was mentally exhausting to be sure to say the right things and do the right things. It was awful to have to have people come so close to 'knowing... hey! Skip and Gloria aren't as well off as they make us think! or.... hey! They aren't at all what I thought they were! Yay-yy.. They aren't so this or that...anymore!'
I personally know alot of people 'in the same boat' now, and they are still .... pretending and going through the agony and grief we went through.... not being as comfortable in life as we once were, having beautiful clothes, driving beautiful vehicles, having all of our medical, dental, life insurances, 401Ks and beautiful homes... and pretending to still 'have it all'. They will play it out until they can't... anymore.
Some time ago, we quit ..pretending. Our life felt better though, of course... even not pretending didn't take away how we miss what we'd become accustomed to in life, how people treated us when they thought we were wealthy and healthy.... as people will do to 'rich people'... they licked our a____s. You know it's true.... either you are still rich or in the same situation we find ourselves in... or in the middle. You 'know' how people will do things and go out of their way... for you... hoping you will throw some extra 'bones' their way... you know how 'good' that makes you feel for those people to almost get on their knees to serve you. No matter what you needed or thought you needed... people made sure you got it.
We've been there and done that. We have lived in the best and ..had the best. We know what it's like to travel and see, enjoy things just the average person never gets to do. We loved life doing all we enjoyed doing... and along the way... truthfully, we did 'see' other people who struggled to live and to have nice things for their families, people who were homeless and hungry, we 'saw' them... and they touched our hearts.
We would stop and do things for them... and we never told others... we never bragged about what we did. You see... we 'knew how it felt' in the past to want or need things, or to wish for things and how it feels to pray for a miracle.
I knew how it felt to 'want, need, and yearn for things I needed or wished to have to put a little more stuffing into my life ... to buffer me from the pains of not-having, mean people, and the things life throws at one'.
We have given cars, new tires, gas, motel rooms, lots of food, clothes, coats through the years........... the list could go on and on. The point is.... it doesn't matter what we gave..... the point is that we did keep giving all along.
I believe that even now.. we don't have 'the most' anymore.... because we gave 'when we did'............ that though life is harder... it's not 'as hard' ... because we cared at a time when ... most people wouldn't when the world is going their way.
Sometimes, I stop and look at different people and I really 'see' them..... and I 'know' them for the 'real' people they are. I have studied people since being a little girl just to survive and to .. escape them from hurting me.
I 'know' ...women...... my world as a little girl was ruled by 'strong-ass women' and... they could be ruthless as well... be so kind and loving and caring... their problem was... when things weren't going their way... they 'knew' how to jerk all that out from under a person.. to hurt them.
I pay attention to people who still have alot... and how they take for granted that 'they could never-ever not have it'... and probably that's true with some. They will never go without in their lives... because all has been handed to them... almost before they were born... these are the truly lucky ones. It's all there for them and there's so much that it can't possibly 'give out'.. they will never in their life have to stop and learn anything... they are above all that. I've mingled with so many people like this that 'now'... I don't even bother to pretend with them... I don't even care to smile at them to give them satisfaction of being another one to 'kiss their a___'. They don't see me anyway... I'm past being a 'beautiful person/woman and having the world by the tail'.... they see a middle-age woman now.. they don't 'see me'.... now. I'm no longer important... I'm just a regular, everyday person now... but, I'm really not... though ..I am. :))))))
I don't even waste time and just go my way..I don't care if I'm not noticed. I don't care anymore about 'playing games'. A person gets tired of it all.. as they grow older to know life isn't about just that.
I will say this ... that it's a 'good thing' to have the people I just spoke of.... because they DO keep the world going in more ways than one.... so, I appreciate them just as much as I despise the games they play. We need them, they have the best that life offers, they have the best educations that benefit all of us in our many walks in life... so, I don't really hate them. They do help in their businesses, jobs and knowledge and in more ways than I can name... help to make life possible for everyone else.
It's sort of like prostitutes.... I know you really want to know what I mean when I say that... I'll tell you. You have people ..male or female alike.. who go out and they use the services of a prostitute... and not all these people are 'good' people... there are 'bad' people who can't control their urges if they don't get what 'they have to have'. If they get a prostitute to satisfy those urges... then, maybe they aren't dangerous to anyone ...anymore... whereas, if they didn't have that 'outlet'... they might go on to rape and murder to get their needs met.
This is strictly one of my 'Gloria' opinions.. and people who know me... know I have alot of opinions... that's life. My point here ...is... that if the truth be known....... (my opinion, my thoughts and I ..don't apologize).... we NEED prostitutes... their services are needed also, in their own way.
Why do you think they've been around thousands of years. I don't pretend to be so knowledgeable but, I've watched and listened through the years and I've talked to prostitutes and even liked some.. it's like a 'scratch my back and I'll scratch your back'...sort of thing. I've walked in alot of 'life's paths' ... down farther in some and just a little ways to 'know'... about things I was curious about. I've 'touched alot of lives' that weren't like mine... just to 'see and know'......
On this subject before I leave it... I have many ways just as I do about 'everything'... to look at any one thing.... because in my mind as I mentally walk around a thought... I'm studying it and 'feeling' it and constantly forming opinions about it. I admit when I'm wrong... I also, keep in mind that because someone would think it wrong... doesn't always mean.... I have to be wrong... we could both be right..... or we both could be wrong... or I could be right... or they could be wrong.. or I could be wrong..and they be ..right. Life is like that... sometimes it neither right or wrong.. it 'just is'... no more, no less.
I have watched and sadly, I see people...... (we all have to grow up one day and we all have to learn.... we are all.. in various stages of life to learn the lessons it teaches us).... who have nothing... all of a sudden get just a little more than they ever had... suddenly get on a power kick and begin to act in a way they normally wouldn't. They could get a promotion and all of a sudden the office has a holy terror in charge who stands in front of them saying 'it's my way, or the highway'. People like this... who have had nothing... finally get wonderful things in their life... and they think they are supposed to act.. that way. We never were like that, I can 'look back' and know that... and 'seeing' what we did along our path... I feel good and wouldn't take a thing back.
Getting back to not pretending to be other than what one is, does hurt sometimes. It's because it doesn't take alot to happen to let others know that you 'need', too. After all, one does have pride and they are used to giving... and not asking for things they need or want. It's good in the way that you don't have to do the many things one would have to do to keep up the appearance of 'having so much'.... it's sad in the way that no longer do you have the extra in life.... that to us meant we could do things for others, also.
We find joy in making good things happen to others as well as for ourselves. We are like that and though, we don't have 'the most' now... we still do. We 'know' how it feels to want and to wish.. and not have and we find ourselves at this late day in our life to coming 'full circle'............ almost to being like that again. But.. we still never forget to... give. I firmly believe that in this world one has to do that... because things have a way of coming back to one. I would like for it to all be ...good. Skip feels the same way I do.
To be real.... I love people though.. I have to keep them at a distance... I 'listen' and I 'care' and I 'see'... I am always sensing people around me or in a letter because I simply 'care'. I may be quiet and not even noticed... but, I'm 'there'... and I care.
I cry for strangers, I cry for animals who lay along side our highways, I cry for the unfairness in this world, and the abuse others inflict on their innocent victims, the horrible things men/women (don't forget about those women.... they are mean, too).... the horrible things men and women do to other people.
I have to protect my heart from all the pain I 'feel inside' ..for others. I wish I could protect them.... and when I was young I knew I could... I knew when I grew up I WAS going to make a difference... a good difference in this life.
Sadly.... I'm (I hate to call myself this because I really am... but, inside 'I'm really not').......... sadly... I have become a middle-aged woman............. a middle-aged woman........ a middle-aged woman........ a middle-aged woman who has not accomplished alot of .... anything. (Remember ...the more you use a word (face it head-on!).. the less power it has to hurt you anymore...... 'middle-aged woman'). Now.... I am this middle-aged woman who has not accomplished 'one damn thing'... I wanted to accomplish. 'Now'.... I've finally said it 'out loud'. I am mad about this.. and that makes this a 'regret'... one I add to my list of 'Regrets'.
I didn't 'save this world' as I meant to do. I didn't do anything at all to really stand out. When people tell me that they love something I've done or said.... I feel like an impostor.... I'm nobody or anyone special. I am 'me'.... and I haven't done anything important... I just care a lot. My regret in life is that I didn't save the world nor the ones I've lost in life forever... nor my precious, golden son. I'm no one special... not at all... nor would I pretend to be. I'm tired of pretending to be... what I never was and what I'd never be... only once in a while do I 'pretend'! It's when it's needed... after all... life is like that! Sometimes it's needed .. even just for a little while... to Play The Game of Life.
Oh.... I'm not dead yet.... I might could 'save the world'... yet!