Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Everything's Going To Be All Right and... Christmas Music!
Everything's Going To Be All Right and... Christmas Music!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I sit here staring at my computer monitor, I let my eyes slowly go out of focus, while focusing... on the colored lights reflecting there. The lights are on the little Christmas tree on the dining table behind me.
I listen closely... to the Christmas music playing on the tv... I have turned the channel to 801... for holiday music. These things are bringing me comfort.
I close my eyes to listen to both music, and the soft, airy sound of the central air unit... I can feel the warm air. All makes me relaxed... I could go back to bed, sleep.
I look down at my keyboard... I think... 'what can I write about today?' I see an envelope I've painted flowers on, addressed to a friend... even I like the artwork I did ... I wanted my mail to be special. I've always painted, drawn on my envelopes ...they bring smiles to people. I love when I receive such.
I hear happy bells, people singing ... 'ding-dong, ding-dong..Christmas bells are ringing' in the background. I can imagine a group of people of all ages, with red cheeks, dressed in vintage garb, standing in the snow by a nightlight... the globe looking like an old-time lantern. The snow softly falling as they... softly sing....
'Santa looked a lot like daddy, daddy looked a lot like him'..... is playing now. I felt a smile... we adults know 'why'.... when we are so young... believing in Santa Claus was so magical, wondrous, so... real! I believed, I really believed! I was still very young, living in Hell... when I began to realize that Santa Claus didn't know I was in the world... but, he did remember all the children around me. I never understood until... I was an adult. Grandma Alma, George didn't have money... when living in Hell... there wasn't much of anything. Strangely enough, they had a lot of love, though.
I stare out the window on the door. Oh, what a most beautiful winter sky. It's almost daylight... I see the softest pink mixing with blue, white.... with a golden light beginning to shine through. I feel so fortunate to get to see such... usually people are asleep at this time. I don't know if young people notice as they stand at bus stops, waiting for their bus. I would think their minds are on their exciting, young lives... and what they'll do at school. Maybe... be nervous about a test coming up.
I look out at my Expedition ... it's an older model, but... still looks new from being taken care of. I really like my 'truck'... for me, it's ... perfect. For the time being, it looks as if it is covered in shiny diamonds... with golden light beginning to shine on it. Soon, the diamonds will melt away! My favorite jewelry in the whole world are diamonds, and yellow gold.
If I chose another stone, I would maybe choose an emerald... because it's green. My eyes are green (hazel). My most favorite stone after diamonds are the amethyst... my birthstone... my birthday is February 14th. I love 'purple and green'... somehow, these colors are 'magical' for me. :))) I believe in magic.... I believe in miracles... I believe in strange things... I pay attention to 'odd'.... I love 'good things happening to others, myself, my loved ones'.
I see Skip in my mind... his special smile for me. I hear him say 'I love you'... in my mind, I say 'I love you, too.' I turn from my computer screen, see two Pups lying on the couch, love seat in the living room. They are sleeping so peacefully... Kissy just snored as if he knew I was writing about him. The Christmas music comforts them, as it does me.
Music... is 'everything', don't you agree? Everything we do special... there's music. When one has a happy birthday, there are special songs for them. When watching tv... there are songs for buying toliet tissue, for getting rid of heartburn, mopping our floors... so, we can do all in a 'merry' way. On our programs there's music to let us know when we should laugh, cry, be afraid......
We can't wait to go buy things while the 'music is in our heads'....... I know better, but.. sometimes, I let myself get caught up in it. I will go buy something because 'the music is in my head'.... :))) I will 'see in my mind' the commercial... I want that!
I see a big snowman! He has on a shiny,black hat ... on it are red holly berries, holly leaves. They are attached to the velvety Christmas green band that goes around it. He has on a matching velvety Christmas green coat... oh, his mittens are red! His face... are two big blue eyes that twinkle! His nose is a piece of black coal... his mouth is like a banana laying on its side.... it's smiling so happy, I can see his pink tongue! Happy snowman! Beside him is a huge... Christmas gift wrapped in gold, ribbon of red... whose name is on the tag? It's..... mine, of course! :)))
Silly, fun thoughts keep coming as I sit here listening to holiday music. For now, they are comforting, good thoughts. I'll think all them that I can. I will try to fill me up with good, happy, comforting thoughts... to last me through the Christmas holidays. I hope they don't go away... I need them. This will be the third Christmas since Tommy went to Heaven...... I felt sadness... I need to ...go back to my happy thoughts!
But, my mind goes to Tommy... it always does. No matter the smiles, laughter, funny things............ I miss my son. I wish for my son. You just can't understand unless you've lost your child... but, I know you can 'feel, sense'... I really try to tell you honestly the pain that I experience. I tell you so, you can know.
So, if someone in your life is like me... you might understand them better. The pain is greater than any... this mother has ever known in her entire life. The pain can make one feel like a baby again, crying their heart out, curled in a fetal position.... for so long, like a baby... I couldn't 'see anything in front of me'... I was in the greatest of pain. Nothing around me 'was there'... I didn't see it. That world of darkness....
I am like the sunshine in the clear blue, white sky... for a moment a cloud just passed by my smiling face! It's all right now! I'm okay. Sometimes, this happens.... until the winds of time gently blow it on by... so, I can shine brightly once again. Everything is going to be all right.....
Jingle bell, Jingle bell time... is a swell time! I love this time of the year! That's the Jingle Bell Rock! I love that Christmas... music! Now, if I could find me a 'one horse sleigh'.... oh, and some .... snow! Everything is going to be .... all right.