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Sunday, November 4, 2012
Suppose I'm Wrong?
Suppose I'm Wrong?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I saw something I've never seen before a couple days ago. I have had it on my mind alot. At night time when I'm in bed, I lie awake thinking about it. Did I do wrong? What should 'I' have done? What would have been the right thing to do?
We were slowing down to stop at a service station to buy gas. I saw in the distance on the left side of the road, a figure standing there... holding a sign.
I felt she was from the mobile home park she stood in front of. I've never seen that before.... someone stand in front of their home to hold a sign out 'to the world'.
I know this area well... 'why' would someone be standing there holding a sign? This was a Friday evening, lots of traffic was passing this person by... they didn't slow down even after reading the sign.
My reaction to it was mixed.... I didn't trust it. Was I wrong? I didn't feel right about it. Am I a cold, mean person... did my heart not feel when it was 'supposed to feel'?
The figure holding the sign (the sign was like 2 ft. x 2 ft.) was a heavy-set woman with short, brown hair. She had on clean-looking clothes.... a hooded jacket, jeans, sneakers. She looked like 'everyone else'.....
She was standing in front of the trailer park she lived in (I watched her shortly after we stopped for gas... walk back to her trailer). I sat and studied her, wondering if she was legit... did she really need the things she had put on the sign... or was she trying to collect money from passers-by ... to have a fun Friday night?
God, am I sounding awful ... for wondering? Am I suspicious of people's motives when I see them acting in an unusual way? Am I just a mean, old woman?
I always try to sense people when I watch them... usually something about them will communicate to me (whether I see it or... not see it) .... if they are happy, sad, in distress, upset, tense. We all do this this whether we realize it or not.
I didn't sense anything about this woman holding her big sign... I only felt she looked very clean... maybe I wasn't close enough to 'see' her... to know what kind of shape she was in.
She began walking around holding her sign up high to show the passing cars. No one stopped... and I just sat there.... once I did think of walking across that road... to give her a few dollars. I have done such in the past, both Skip and I have. This time... something really didn't 'feel right'.... I couldn't sense ... 'need'.
I watched her turn around, walk back down the dirt path into the trailer park, walk to her trailer, open the door, enter. She disappeared from my sight only to... stay in my mind.
The woman didn't seem to be 'in need'. I couldn't feel it about her. So, what does that mean? I know I'm not perfect in determining who 'needs' anything. I've needed things, no one ever knew... I never told them.... when I have let it be known... I was desperate. You know..... pride... it's hard to let others know when you have so much... pride.
Did this woman's pride go away so, she could feed her pet/pets? Did it go away so, she could feed herself? Was she cold, needed heat badly? Was her whole life in turmoil? I couldn't tell... I couldn't 'sense' her by watching her. I really cared... but, I could not 'feel anything'...... 'to pull me to her'. Do you know what I mean? Whatever it was about her.... it didn't reach to my... heart.
I wonder if I misjudged her? I wonder if I should have given her the last few dollars I had in my purse? We've been through very hard times for the past month when Skip was in the hospital. I was very afraid.... I only let one person know that I needed money for gas. They came to my aid.
Always... Tommy was 'there' before... we were there for Tommy. We have no one now. Do you know how much it takes out of one ... to ask for help? Do you know how it feels for someone to instantly help you, never hesitating for a moment... to make your life 'okay again'? You never-ever forget them....
We surely aren't rich by any means... we don't pretend to be. I never thought about using, carrying a sign to 'broadcast to the world' that I 'need help... to please help me'.
I wondered 'should I do that the next time?' I know we all will have times like that in the uncertain future. No... I don't think I can carry a sign like that.... but, I also, can't knock someone else for carrying one, either. I think people know me well enough to know if I ask for help... it's real... and I would never ask unless I were desperate.
So... getting back to the woman who stays in my mind.... this must be her way ...to ask for help. Or.... did she want to collect money to have a good weekend? Who am I to say? People can fool us these days... we can think they are good, and they are bad. We can even think them bad... to find out that they are the good guys.
I think while I write I am studying why my reaction to her 'feels empty'. Why didn't my heart go out to her? It usually always goes out to people in need, it feels... it cares.
I just looked inside myself again..... I just 'feel' a sunny day and a woman walking along the side of a busy highway... carrying a sign saying......
HELP! I NEED FOOD, I HAVE NO HEAT, AND I NEED PET FOOD....
Why didn't it pull at my heart? I sat there and 'tried to make it 'feel like' it was pulling at my heart'. I really would have walked over to that woman and have given her my last dollars... why didn't I feel 'need' from her?
I'm asking you, my readers.... what are your thoughts on this? Is there something I missed? Do you 'see' something here in my words that I don't.... to tell you 'why' my reaction to the woman with the sign 'feels empty'?
It still does, by the way... even writing it all out, studying... looking inside. Suppose I'm wrong?