Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Until The Accident...
Until The Accident...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Yesterday morning, Skip and I were up very early. We were driving along when we saw several deer... of course, they began running across the road.
Now, I wonder 'why' do they have to do that? Do the headlights light up the road for them to see... no, I don't think so. They run around in the dark all the time.
I held my breath as Skip slowed down so, as not to hit them. We can't bear to hurt animals. As one deer ran across, the others were heel on heel of the other.... there wasn't any way to miss one of them.
I saw it coming.... I knew what was going to happen as my prayer began for the huge deer I saw in front of us. I closed my eyes tightly... silent tears began as soon as I heard... the terrible sound of vehicle, and the body of the deer connect in a space that was meant for only one of them.
The sound was so loud, it went through to my very soul because instantly I was transported back in time. In time to when I heard my son say ...'mama, I just killed a man'... my son's soft voice crying, relating to me what happened. As he told me.... it felt like I was a part of it, like I was there, like I hit the man.... that's how strongly I felt my son's pain.
At this moment, this hurts me deeply thinking about it. Accidents... accidents... oh God, accidents that kill, maim people, animals. Some people are never bothered by such... they say 'well, it's not my fault... they shouldn't have been there in the first place'.
The way we feel is completely opposite... pain, grief is our reaction to hurting a living being. It's only later that we look at 'whose fault, why?' it happened. For that moment ... it's just raw, pure grief.
There are people who love to hit dogs with their vehicles. When they do it.... somehow... they become such super people because they destroyed a life unnecessarily. What do you think of that? Would you like to know my opinion?
I think everyone who knows 'Granny Gee' already knows what my opinion is. Needless to say, that anyone who enjoys harming, killing animals, people..... I have no use for. Oh.... that's not all of what 'Granny Gee' thinks about it... you can sit and think about it... you probably feel as I do. If the emotions 'anger, disgust' come to your heart... then, you and I have a lot in common.
Getting back to the moment of impact.... as deer and vehicle met in a space meant for one. That very moment stayed with me through all yesterday... my heart wept tears for the beautiful, graceful animal I saw 'just before'. As it followed its companions, it sailed into the air.... to be no more.
As we drove along, my thoughts stayed on the deer. I wondered how it affected the other deer it was traveling with. Did they feel grief, or are they blessed enough to be able to just go on with their life without going through a grieving period? Did they hurt like I still do now... losing my son. Was that deer with its mother? Sister? Brother?
My chest felt as if a huge rubber band was pulled back as far as it would go.... let go to strike such pain in my heart when that happened.
I know while reading my words you may ask yourself 'why does she react this way to a deer being hit by a vehicle, it happens all the time?' First of all, it never just happens to me. Second of all... 'I walked in my son's shoes', yesterday. I experienced a small fraction of the grief he lived everyday of his life for exactly one year... before he, himself died.
I now, know what he must have heard that day the man stepped in front of his big truck. I 'knew' in my mind that my son 'heard that sound' over, and over until he died one year later in the same month.
Tommy never was the same after that... accident. That accident began the death of my child, my son.......................... He didn't just die on May 29, 2010.... he began dying on May 17, 2009... my son as I knew him... changed.
Accidents... have you watched how another suffers in silence, grieves after an accident? Have you tried to walk in their shoes to know how it feels? I'm constantly trying to 'walk in others' shoes' to know how things feels.
'Why?' To keep my heart always feeling for other people. To keep a check on how much I care as I become older. I've always heard that people become cold, uncaring as they become older... they forget how younger people feel, they've 'been there, done it all'.... so, nothing's new to them again. I want to care... even if it hurts.
Well, I don't want to become like that. I don't want to become hardened, never surprised by the wonders of life.... I don't want to quit hurting when 'bad' things happen... that would mean I've become uncaring, cold... unfeeling.
I care so much when 'walking in others' shoes' in my mind. I hurt so much when I walk in my son's shoes. I still do it.... yesterday, it happened again.
Yesterday... when in the dark a huge, graceful and beautiful animal sailed into.............. death.... it really meant to land on the other side of that road, run through the woods with its companions. Light as the wind, free as a spirit, it meant to run with no cares in the world... until the accident.