Sunday, December 23, 2012

It'll Be Christmas Again ... Without Tommy

Tommy's Box that sits inside Tommy's Chest... the contents of this box are my very last moments with my son.  This box hurts me more than anything in this world...  this box was in my mind as I wrote the poetry below......

The Christmas ornament I felt I needed to get to put on our Little Christmas Tree... we never had a little Christmas Tree until after Tommy died.  The Christmas Angel ornament was given to me by his wife after Tommy died... I can't remember her giving it to me... but, somehow I 'know' she gave it to me.

When Tommy died ... it crushed our world, we still feel the aftermath of it all... life can never be the same with him gone.  These are things that one day Taban will want ... he'll see photos of his daddy, hopefully read my blog... he will know he wants to come to his daddy's mama... I have things for him, can tell him things about his father... that no one else can. 

I don't mention my granddaughter because she's never shown interest in her father, us.  I've never just talked to her by phone.  I've always updated our address, phone numbers...  we don't live far from either grandchild.  We don't force ourselves on anyone... we are ... just here.

Taban was very close to his daddy, he was in the stage of 'wanting to be like daddy' when Tommy died.  There's a country song, something with 'buck-a-roo, I want to be just like you'... I'm not good at remembering songs... this song touched my heart and I used to tell Tommy that the song made me think of him, and Taban.  Tommy would get tears in his eyes... he loved Taban with his very heart... Taban loved him back... he wanted his daddy's love. 

Anyway, that song ... makes me cry if I hear it... maybe that's 'why' I can't remember the name of it when I want to.  I would love to have it to put in Taban's Chest.  I would love to have the song 'Rhinestone Cowboy' to put in Tommy's Chest... when Tommy was a little boy, that was his favorite song (that, and the silly song 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia' :))).

It'll Be Christmas Again ... Without Tommy
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

As I laid there, I tossed, I turned

My thoughts were like hot water

Burning me here, burning me there

I could not lay in any one position long

Let me get up, come to my keyboard

Type out the thoughts that are torturing me

I stand in my mind's Memory Hallway

Looking at the many doors on either side

I see the floors ... waxed, shining

With a soft, golden glow

The walls are a neutral color

So, I can add any color in my mind I want

The hall is lit with many tiny lights

It's not a scary place, just only beyond certain doors

The lights remind me of the Light In The Bottle

That our friend, Cindy, made for us

In fact, at this very moment, I'm changing all the lights

To Bottles Of Light to softly light my path

As I float down my mind's Memory Hallway

That's better, for it truly comforts me

There are special chests on each side of the hall

Funny, I try not to ever see them

They are Memory Chests, ones I try to avoid

For the pain, grief I can't bear

I try not to open the lids to the Memory Chests

I have replicas here in the physical world

Of three of those chests in my Memory Hallway

My mom, my brother, my... son

I did something yesterday I didn't know I was going to do

I opened Tommy's Chest, my son's chest

I felt I had to have the Christmas/Angel ornament

Holding his photo... I wanted it for our little Christmas Tree

There were things in there that I held in my hand

I held to my heart... I held to my face

My tears fell on them, absorbed into the cloth

My Mother's Tears for my only child, my son... Tommy

I looked at the green plastic Tommy's Box sitting in the chest

My mind 'knew' what was in that box

Photos of another Box that Tommy laid in

Just as his Last Photos lay in... this Tommy Box

These are the thoughts torturing me this morning

I can't sleep, I couldn't just lay there

I had to sit me up, walk me here to my keyboard

To get relief from all going round, round in my head

In my mind I could see a cloud of pure, white, thick cotton

Fluffing around Tommy's Box, until I couldn't see it anymore

I saw it going back into Tommy's Chest, the lid close

On the memory of what my eyes saw yesterday.. when I opened it

This happened in my mind... but, here in my physical world

There's no pure, white, thick cotton to wrap Tommy's Box in

It sits in Tommy's Chest, all one has to do is to open the lid

Easy to take out, easy to open, but... not easy to look at

The contents of Tommy's Box is the closest to 'being back'

Back to very moment standing there looking at my son

With shock, disbelief, numbness in my heart, my body

Looking at my son, not believing it was him... laying there

The contents of Tommy's Box are of the Last Moments

This Mother spent with her son, not talking, not laughing

As we always did... he didn't say a word to me

My words to him were in my mind as I stood there looking at him

Through eyes filled with tears, the worst pain I'd ever known

I could see him, I couldn't see him, I wanted to see him, I didn't

I wanted to see him moving, talking, laughing... but, I ... didn't

Silence... my son lay there not moving, talking, laughing

He ... just lay there, he wasn't ... anymore

His very essence had left his body ... to where did it go?

Where did you go, Tommy... where did you go?

Why can't I feel you anymore as I stand there?

Questions in a grieving mother's mind

That will never be answered

That's 'why' this grieving mother is always looking

To see Tommy if something unusual happens

She knows anything is possible

Why, you might ask

Because... through time miracles happen, strange things happen

This mother has seen a lot of them through time... she believes, she 'knows'

Thoughts, visions in my mind of the contents of Tommy's Box

Were burning me this morning, as I tried to lay in bed, go to sleep

I had to sit me up, come to my keyboard

To look for comfort, to tell someone without saying a word, I don't want to wake Skip, the Pups

I look at my body in my mind, all the scars... lots old, some new

I see many places my thoughts burned, scars will be left

Here, in my physical world... you can't see a thing

But... a smile ... you don't have to be burdened with my grief

I'm so thankful to be able to come here

To write, to talk ... you who read, choose to

Choose to listen to my soul's pain, my cries

To feel what it feels like... to be a Mother Who Grieves

I pray that it never happens to you

Only ... here ... will you see, feel this kind of pain

Because... our children are supposed to outlive us

Most likely, your children will always be there for you

My only child won't be there for me

His two children won't be there for me

I only have Skip, our Pups, our Friends

I have You, here... to comfort, care for me

To read, to listen to this pain

That builds up inside me, no where to go

But... here ... in my written words

To be read by those who care, are curious, want to know

What it's like to Lose A Child

How it feels to be a Grieving Mother

Without experiencing these things yourself in real life

My prayers are that you never do... my prayers are good wishes for you... I care

It's Christmas again without Tommy

The third Christmas he is gone

I know that all the Christmases left in my life

It'll be Christmas again... without Tommy


1 comment:

  1. I can't imagine what it is like to lose a child, one's only child. I do hope somehow Christmas will be good for you and Skip this year. With God, all things are possible. I know if Tommy could tell you himself, he would say something like, "Mama, you and Skip celebrate Jesus' birthday." Or something like, "I am spending my Christmas with Jesus and I am proud to be able to do that". I don't think Tommy would want you to be upset. I think he would want you to have a wonderful Christmas if possible. If you need me, you know my phone numbers. Love, Ms. Nancy