Thursday, January 31, 2013

Twenty Eight Inches Of Snow! That Fly!

Snowing!  I took this photo when it began snowing ...January 2013

Twenty-Eight Inches of Snow ... Fall!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I looked toward the chimney of the little wooden house
The wind was blowing the smoke close to the ground
Meaning... I hope ... that snow would soon be on it's way

Tiny birds flocked to the ground, looking for tidbits of food
Another sign that ... hopefully ... the snow would be here
I've been waiting to see this snowfall coming our way

I wish it would get here, I'm so excited... it's going to snow!
It's going to snow, it might snow twenty eight inches
I heard the weatherman say... twenty eight inches of snow today!

I could see the little wooden house as I stood on my back porch
The scent of wood burning  in the air, I closed my eyes to smell it
How beautiful that scent is... in my mind I conjure up a burning fireplace

People sitting by the fire, some standing to warm their backsides
Others warming, rubbing their hands together around the cosy fire
Excited as I am... we have snow on the way ... twenty eight inches!

I just saw my first snowflake, one of many snowflakes to come!
The snow's coming, the snow's snowflake at a time
No.. I see hundreds more snowflakes falling through the air

Like little ballerinas dancing .... twirling, flying through the air
I run to make a cup of hot chocolate, get warm.. cosy
Sit by my window to watch ... twenty eight inches of snow ...fall!


That Fly!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

It sat there looking at me
I wondered how it survived
The freezing temperatures outside

The day was warmer
I opened the doors, windows
To let the fresh air in

It moved here, there inside
My pup caught sight of it
Began to chase it

He jumped into the air
Came down on all fours
With that fly in his mouth!

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I Have Fallen ... I Can't Get Up

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ...

I Have Fallen, Can't Get Up...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates

I watched the birds flying around in a circle
The clouds in movement behind them
The limbs, branches on trees shake their leaves

I saw an airplane in the sky, white smoke behind
Flying to another country, passing me by
I would like to see another view, but... I can't

I'm lying here on the floor
I've fallen...
I can't get up

My hands search around my body
Feeling for my cellphone
Where's that damn thing, when I need it

My hands felt something hard, my cellphone!
I brought it to my face
I pressed my numbers in, getting an answer

Help me, I have fallen... I can't get up
Come now, get me off this floor
This is what I heard...

The wind is going to be a big issue
This evening, there will be 45 mph gusts
Hold on, don't fall down... because you might not can... get up!

Did the wind blow me down to the floor
I'm inside my house, how did it do that
I wish someone would help me, so... I can get up

I hear the wind blowing outside the window
I see the trees shaking their leaves
To entertain the birds, and bees

I have an idea, I slide my body to the screen door
I reach for the broom, put it near the latch
I push up on it, unlocking the door

I push the door open, slide out on the porch
Now, blow wind blow with your might
Here it comes,  it .... just blew me ... up!  :)))


Why in the world did my fingers want to type the above!?  This is what came to me as I sat here to type!  I'm ..... laughing!  :)))  Granny Gee/ Gloria    ....

I never know what I will write no more... than what I will draw 'when that mood' ... comes over me.  Is it my 'muse'.... I wonder?  What would I want to name .....him, or her?  I'll think about this... now.

Monday, January 28, 2013

I May As Well Begin Crying Now...

Beaded Spiders made by Gloria... sitting on a potted plant...

I May As Well Begin Crying Now...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Bee

Sitting there quietly, unnoticed, still, deep... lies a pool of water
Birds flutter overhead, their songs loud in the quietness
Frogs, crickets chirp... a lone bee buzzes around a pink flower

Dragonflies dart here, dart there with their pastel-colored wings
Grasses lush, green, rocks nestled like jewels in a ring
Many shapes, sizes forever lodged into the ground

The bright rays of the sun reach down from the sky to kiss
Every moving, every still thing in its path
Making warm, comforting heat on a cool Spring day

A little girl walks down the path, seeking a place to retreat
Into her own thoughts, be herself, be one with the world
She sits on a rock nestled in lush, green grass... her feet in the still water

A single teardrop glistens on her cheek, kissed by the sun
Making it appear to be the color of gold
Maybe it is gold, or maybe it is a teardrop from pain, happiness

Her little shoulders begin to shudder, she begins to cry
To cry her heart out, she looks up at the sky
Begins talking to the sun, the birds, the insects that flew around her

I'm so sad, I hurt inside... I know what I'm going to grow up for
One day in this world... I'm going to grow up to know so much pain
I may as well begin crying now, for what I face

For the rest of my life, I will cry more than I laugh
For I 'see' bad things are going to happen ahead in time
I'm going to lose all my loved ones dear to my heart

I may as well begin crying now, I'm so afraid
I'm going to lose everyone one day, I cry because I don't want to
Be alone in this big, old world... but, I 'see' that I will be

One day many years down the road... a woman walks on that same path
She walks to the same rock, sits down
Not one tear on her cheek, but... many tears

I'm all alone, I have no one... I sit here and cry
I may as well begin crying now... because it's my turn next to die
There will be no one here to mourn my passing ... I'm all alone now

Does A Smile Hide The Real 'YOU'?

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... I made a Suncatcher from a coffee-filter and beading wire, painted on it.  The name of this is:  A Suncatcher's Vacation

Does A Smile Hide The Real 'YOU'...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Everyday... we pass people on buses, trains, planes, sidewalks
Back and forwards, in the morning, in the evening
Smiles, frowns, scowls, pain are expressions on the many faces

Smiles disguising monsters, disguising grief, genuine smiles
Of sunshine ... they block another's view from seeing 'deep inside'
The other as they flash their wondrous smile at you

Look at me, what do you see?  Just a big, old smile
Grinning back at you... you don't bother to go past that smile
No need to, that smile says it all ... I'm fine, I hope you are, too

You go your way, I go mine... a smile is all we need to reassure
Ourselves that with the other... everything's all right
No need to look under the surface, the smile is there

Only a very sensitive soul would hesitate, 'knowing deep inside'
Something's not right... there's more there than meets the eye
That smile is only a disguise to cover pain of some kind, or...

A monster hiding behind it like a rock covered by tall grasses
You see only the grass, you trip over the hidden rock
It's too late, the monster's got you!

Let me go!  Let me go!  I will watch for you next time
I won't trip over you, making you want to hurt me
I'll be good, please let me go!

Look at that smile over there, her eyes are darkened by pain
I wonder what her pain is, is it inside... outside?
Her shoes could be covering her pain... pain in her pitiful feet

Her smile with pain, could be disguising the grief in her heart
Lying there beneath the surface, ready to spring out
Any moment, like a jumping jack in a box

Just crank it up, crank it up, be on guard
The top will pop open, spilling the jumping jack out
Smiling, disguising what made it pop out to the surface

Too often, smiles cover something other than happiness
Only the sensitive will see, feel, or even care
We are honored when someone takes a precious moment

Of our time to recognize our smiles aren't what they appear
To speak words of caring, to say to us
I know something's wrong, I just wanted you to see that I 'see'

Only people who care will do such a thing
They are the ones who stand out in our worlds
Whom we care about with our very hearts

I call them a real friend, what do you call them?
Someone nosey, or someone that means the world to you
I thank the ones who take time to 'see' beneath the surface

To care with their hearts, to let me know
It means the world to me, so.. do they
Thank you, Friend... for really seeing 'what my smile hides'... the real 'ME'....

Sunday, January 27, 2013

My Primary Blog:

This is where I post all photos, posts, stories 'first.'  :))) Granny Gee/Gloria

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Die With A Soft Smile On Our Lips... 'Knowing We Did Right'

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates ... done on February 25, 1998.  This represents 'Hope'... do you know 'why?'

This old drawing is one I did just 4 months before being diagnosed with non- Hodgkins lymphoma (cancer)... I drew this picture.  

I was feeling the need to begin drawing 'something to leave behind'... not knowing how ill I was becoming, not knowing I was going to be fighting for the biggest battle of my life... to live.  I 'was feeling something'..... not having any idea at all......

Oh... this old drawing really does mean 'Hope'... something we can never let go of ... this old drawing survived a house fire that destroyed all our belongings on December 28, 2004.  This ... old drawing was one of many that somehow survived the fire!  HOPE!

Die With A Soft Smile On Our Lips... 'Knowing We Did Right'

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I watched him talk to the woman sitting in front of him.  A desk separated the two ... one could look, know immediately 'who was the boss.'

The woman held her head down, tears streaming down her cheeks, onto the front of her blouse.  I knew the tears were hot, sudden ... unexpected.  I've done this 'a million times' both in happiness, and in grief.  I recognized real tears as I watched her face closely.  I've been on both... the giving, receiving end.

I saw pain in her eyes, you know how a person's eyes will for a fleeting moment reflect such deep emotion.  If you aren't watching for it, you'll miss it.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," she said softly.  I waited to hear 'why' she was thanking her boss.  She sat there, her shoulders shaking as sobs rocked her body.  What did he say to her to cause such emotion?  What!

"I'm giving you $20,000 to pay off your mother's medical bills, and $5,000 for an education fund for each of your four children, and last... but, not least.................... something for you.  I'm giving you $60,000 for yourself, your bills, to buy a home for you, and your children, to buy a car.

Sudden hot tears were in my mind, rolling down my cheeks unexpectedly!  I wanted to be the boss!  I wanted to be the one granting such wonderful things, being able to afford such, to make others' wishes, dreams come true!

The man began wiping his eyes with a kleenex, he.... too, was filled with emotion as he watched the woman.  He knew his words would make her happy, he didn't know what kind of reaction he'd receive with his words.  Now... he was the one crying, he felt as if he'd been given a gift!

In fact, he had been given a gift!  He 'saw' what his act of kindness did to affect the rest of another human being's life.  He had made a positive difference in her life.  It didn't have to be on that grand scale... it could have been thousands 'less'... he would have.... gotten the same reaction.

His 'gift' was something that could only be 'felt inside one's heart'.... felt so much that it evoked such emotion inside him, making him feel .... so thankful, so grateful that he did something ... good for someone who needed it, who had wishes that might never come true, unless ... for his kind act.

She was so quiet, so 'like in deep pain.'  Her soft sobs came out, she couldn't hold them back.  Her reaction is a lot like how my reaction is when good things happen to me... I get very quiet as my mind absorbs what has happened, and I 'cry from the inside'.... from my very heart.

What a wonderful man... who is he?  Undercover Boss... I love that one show!  It makes me cry everytime I see it ... more than one time.

Some of the 'bosses' grant the most wonderful things to people they come to know, care about ... as they pretend to be 'everyday people' as they work side by side with them for a period of time.

Do you know... I would love to be an Undercover Boss... it would be like 'Victoria Fairchild' in my story.  I would go out .... listen, watch, and I would 'know' over time 'who/whom' .... I would be helping next... be it a person, or an animal.

I wouldn't have to wait for the heart-touching reaction from whomever I helped... though, it's one of the most beautiful emotions a person can show........ gratefulness, thankfulness... because it comes straight from the heart ... right at that very moment.

I could help, feel satisfaction inside, even if a person 'didn't know' it 'was me'.... who made their life better.   I don't have to be told ... 'thank you.'

I already 'know how it will feel'... I've been there, many times in my life.  'It means the world to one, it did/does to me.'  I, also, know 'how it feels to give' back... oh, how I love that wonderful feeling.

It's a 'high' I could live with forever....  I don't drink, smoke, do drugs .... if I had to choose a 'high'......... 'giving, contributing to people, animals' needs, wishes, dreams' and how it feels 'afterwards'.... would be the 'high' I would choose!

I would be in a constant 'state of happiness'... I would 'drown my grief, my sorrow, my pain' in it... just as one goes to a hot spring of fresh, clear, warm water.... to sit, relax their bodies, minds in it... for many hours.  I 'would get up, keep coming back, to feel like a new person 'time after time'.... forever!

Call me what you will ... this is my number one dream in my life.  It's my number one wish in life.  We all have such thoughts, wishes, dreams in our hearts ... yours might not be the same as mine.

I dream... too.  I may be a 'Granny Gee' now... I still have my dreams.  :)))  Oh... you'll find as you get older .... there's no difference in how you think, feel ... everything is still there!  You are just a little older, more maturer in mind, body.  You are still a real person who hears, sees, moves ( a little slower?  :)))... just as you always did!

Look back quickly, older folks!  Remember how you used to think people 'our age' .... couldn't feel, think, see.  You thought that somehow 'old age' had put an invisible blanket over them... there's no way they could understand how it felt to be young... those 'old people just don't know nothing!!!'

Remember ... how 'dumb' we were?  Well... I see myself 'getting my medicine back' ... all the time, now!  I, sometimes... don't bother talking ...when it feels unimportant.  If someone wants to talk to me ... they can come to 'me.'  I remember being very young... so, I let them 'come to me... if they want to talk.'

I don't 'put myself out there' to be hurt, rejected, embarrassed ... or whatever.  It is special, important, meaningful ... if I do begin 'talking first.'  I 'quit talking quickly'... depending on what I sense.

I can remember when being younger, having lots of money ... I gave freely, but... youth is full of arrogance, innocence.... no matter how nice you are.

I was 'too young, too naive.... to 'really see' deeply, to 'know' what life was all about.  'If I had known what I know, now.... oh my... the many wonderful things I could have done through the years!'  I've wasted a lot of years, a lot of time.

I would love to live that part of my life, again....... with my life experiences, I 'know now.'  Call it what you will ... I would love to be a 'fairy Godmother'.... 'maker of wishes come true' .... an Undercover Boss!  :)))

I think it very sad to get 'older'....  know the things we do 'now'.... to never have a chance to 'go back'... and make things right, do something about what we've learned in life.  We just 'die with that knowledge one day'..........  Don't you think it such a ... waste?

This is the age... if we had the means... we could go back, make amends, make things 'like they should be, make them right'....... do more good things for people, animals........... then......... die with a soft smile on our lips... 'knowing we did right.'


Yes, yes, yes .... I know I am a dreamer, I still believe in fairy tales, good things, I ... just know everything is ....going to be all right.  I believe in Santa Claus... :)))

No matter how bad ... things do get 'all right' ... again.  I never give up hope.... this comes from a person who has every right to have given up many years ago.

I am just 'me'.... I believe, I ... have hope.  I don't give up.  I am a fighter ... if I give up ... it's only to 'get my second wind.'

I want to die... with a soft smile on my lips one day ... knowing I did right.

Friday, January 25, 2013

I'm Not Big Enough To Hold The Pain...

I Miss You, Tommy... I Miss You My Son With My Very Being.
Love, Mama

I'm Not Big Enough To Hold The Pain...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I've been in a ... strange mood since yesterday.  I sat at my desk in my computer/art room for several hours.  I was thinking of Tommy ... he died at the age of 40.  Was that all there was to his life.... just to come that far in years ... to die?

He never had a chance to say 'goodbye'... he didn't know he was going on vacation ... to die.  The 'goodbye' he told me, the evening before ... was a 'goodbye' ...knowing he was coming back to see me, his mother.  He knew he was coming back to see Skip ... he didn't know that was his last time to laugh, talk with us that evening.

Do you know, I want to cry... I miss him so very much.  Tommy was so real for 40 years of ... my life.  I see him in my mind, as I listen to soft music that makes me sit, think...daydream.  I can see him moving around at our home that last evening.  I 'enter my mind'.....

Tommy was pressure washing our house.  When he finished, he was so proud.  He said he 'meant to power wash our house before he ... left.'  I began to feel.... sobs building up inside my chest.

When he said 'left'... it wasn't the kind of 'when you leave ... you don't come back.'  He didn't mean it that way.  He meant to come back to see his mama, Skip, and the Pups.

Just before he left... he power washed Skip's pickup, then... my Expedition... I call it my 'truck.'

What's funny about it all ... is 'after Tommy died' ... over the weeks when it rained... what we discovered about the house... my Expedition.

Even in our grief, it 'stood out.'  It was 'so Tommy.'  I smile ... thinking about it now.

You see, Tommy loved to help everyone.  He liked to 'fix things'... though, sometimes... they weren't 'as fixed as he meant them to be.'

For example, he could walk by Skip's pickup, say he would check the air in it... he'd take his little gadget, stick it in the tire to check the air.  Later, when Skip would go to leave in his pickup... the tire would be flat..... :)))

It would be so funny, because when Tommy would say he was going to do something for us... Skip and I would look at each other with our expressions saying.... 'uh oh!'

We'd look back at Tommy, and say "no, that's all right, Tommy!"  He would begin laughing, his eyes filled with such laughter... so big, so 'Tommy.'  He knew sometimes... things didn't do as he meant them to!  It was funny...

Several days.... weeks after he died .... I can't remember that period of time well at all.  It began to rain, storm one night... I remember being up, walking to the kitchen, turning on the light.  I stood very still, and I began laughing, crying at the same time.

I walked over to the stove, put my finger on the porcelain top... there was water on top of it.  Lots of water.... it came from the hood.... I put towels there to absorb it, and any more that would fall through the exhaust fan opening.

The next morning I showed Skip... he said that what most likely happened was when Tommy was on top of the house pressure washing... the little lid on the pipe flipped open, didn't close back.

We looked at each other, said "Tommy!" at the same time.  We began laughing, I cried so much... at the same time.  Tommy did it!

Later, we went up to my Expediton to get in .... on my side of the truck... the rubber rug ... the little ridges in it ... was filled with water!  My truck had leaked water for the first time ever, somehow... coming down from the windshield!

I showed Skip, and again ... we looked at each other, saying "Tommy!"  We began laughing, of course... I cried again.  Tommy had 'sabotaged' ...once again!

With us... Tommy 'was known for that'... he thought he could fix everything... sometimes, it ... wouldn't be!  :)))  We got many laughs at him through time, would gently tease him.  He would laugh that sweet laugh of his, laughter spilling from his eyes like rays from the sun.

His bright 'Tommy smile'... how I miss his smile.  One couldn't help but, to begin smiling when Tommy smiled.  It was a heart-warming, comforting, everything's going to be all right smile.  It was my ... son's smile, one that never failed to warm my heart.

Oh God, I miss my funny son!  I wish he'd walk into the doorway, filling it with his height, his 'Tommy presence.'  It would be like sunshine breaking through the gray clouds on a rainy day.  What would I do?

Why hasn't he come back to see me?  I have heard through the years how someone's 'loved one comes back to sit, to talk with them.'  Why hasn't Tommy come back to sit, talk with me?  I know if anyone would... Tommy would.  Yes, I will ask 'why?' this one time.  Why?

Why can one loved one do it... and another loved one ... doesn't?  I've seen strange things ... but, 'why?' didn't he just simply .... appear?

I can't even describe the sadness in my heart, the pain... oh, the pain.  Sometimes, I have to get up in a hurry, walk, move around for the pain 'inside' me... it's so great, that I can't sit still with it.

The pain will make me move, it's too much for one body to hold.  I feel panicky, I weep inside ... no one hears me.  I do it all silently... I know people wonder 'why my eyes are red'... if asked, it's so easy to blame it on allergies I suffer with.  I never have to explain that.

I cry 'inside' often ... it never goes away.  Like yesterday, this morning as I write ... I am... crying.   If you passed by the doorway, looked in at me... you'd just see ... a woman sitting at her desk typing at her computer, while listening to soft, classical music.  Only if you looked close into her face, would you see tears have fallen down her cheeks.

Allergies ... she would say, if you asked 'why her eyes are red, and swollen, glassy.'  Allergies do this to me ... all the time.

I sit here now, as I write.  I'm reliving 'yesterday' while sitting here.

'Inside', my sobs go high, low while riding on the waves of the soft music, while my eyes stay closed.  My eyes burn from the wet tears that fill them.  I close them tightly, feel the burning sensation, then... relief feels so good as the burning goes away.

Now, I feel sleepy... I could go to bed to seek peace of mind, but... I won't.  Today... I'm not mad that Tommy died ... I feel the utmost sadness 'inside.'

I thought Tommy was coming back from his vacation, to tell me about all the fun he and Taban had while playing on the beach, in the sand, chasing waves out into the ocean.

I thought he was coming back, to tell me the funny things Taban did, said while running, playing with his daddy.  He did get to send some photos, and in the midst of videoing Taban... his cellphone slipped out of his hand, as he................

Can you see it ?  Can you see this tall, gentle-giant of a guy with a little blonde-headed 3 year old boy that looked just like him?

See them running on the sand toward the waves, the big guy saying "Look Taban, look at the waves!  Let's get our feet wet!  There's a seashell, Taban, pick it up for mommy!"  Can you see it in your mind?  I am sitting here ... living it in my mind.

Then... I picture in my mind ... my son possibly looking up, with a 'knowing' that he'd done what he came to do there the beach that evening .... he came, he played with his little son, left Taban with a beautiful memory of his last time with daddy.

Maybe ... he heard his name called softly, as he looked up.  The sea gulls flying in the air overhead, the waves washing up on the sand close by... the wind gently caressing his hair... as his eyes widened... as he slipped from here in our world ...into the 'thereafter.'

Maybe ... unseen hands helped to guide his body down to the sand, so... that it didn't hurt him as he fell....

He never suffered... as the waves of the ocean continued to wash up on the sand close by, the wind softly blowing his hair, maybe he was hearing, understanding what the sea gulls were saying overhead in the air... as he joined them.  As he hovered above, watching his little son run to his body, saying 'Daddy, won't you come play with me?  Daddy?'

He watched as the little group of people close by... angels in disguise... run to protect the little boy, call for help.  He smiled, he knew there would be lots of pain for his family... but, it was really time for him to go.  He just waited until his little son was in good hands.........

One of the angels... picked up Tommy's cellphone, pressed the last number called.  On the other end, a happy woman's voice answered quickly... like she was expecting the call.

The angel began telling her that he 'had a man lying here on the beach, he wasn't breathing'............... never knowing the smile on the woman's face slid off into darkness, she following immediately behind it... to the dark world to drown in the sea of grief... for almost 2 years.

Just before she went to the dark world, she asked about her little grandson, the angel told her he was there, safe.... she handed the phone to Skip.  The woman was his mother, the woman was 'me.'  Her whole world changed in that brief moment....

I keep trying to imagine, to know what happened the 'last moments' of my son's life.  I try to 'know'... by knowing my son, his ways.

He would have never left his child alone to the unknown... he was so strong, such a force that he would have protected him... but, at that moment .... I don't think he knew inside what was happening... I keep wondering 'what did he think, feel?'

This is always in the back of my mind.  I hope he wasn't hurting, I hope he didn't feel pain when his body fell to the sand.  I hope unseen hands did guide him down to the sand gently to lay him.

I panick sometimes, when I'm thinking ... when I let myself think... 'Tommy won't ever come back, I won't ever get to see Tommy again.'

I have the sensation in my stomach ... the only way I know to describe it is... like birds trapped in a cage, their little wings frantically fluttering so fast, beating against the bars of the cage, trying desperately to ... get out.

This is when 'I' am not big enough to hold such pain ... it's too great.  It drives me up from where I'm sitting, laying, standing.... to move around until I find some outlet, some... peace of mind.

It's time for me to get up once again ... to move around until I can feel some peace of mind.  I think I see a distraction ... a happy distraction!

I just saw some fine snowflakes falling outside my window!  I didn't think it would begin until... late evening.  Now... I am excited, I love snow... I feel excited...

I'm having to walk off... leave my sadness in the background for now.  I have to live while I'm here in this world... I 'see Tommy smiling' in my mind.  I love you, Son.  I miss you with my very being.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

But, I ....

Granny Gee/Gloria  (1-23-2013)

But, I....

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I was watching on the news this morning about how freezing cold the weather is up north.  I watched a man walk up to a homeless man sitting on the curb of the sidewalk, take his hands in his, and look at all his fingers.

Why?  To be sure they weren't frostbitten.  A person can freeze to death in that kind of weather.  By now, you know something about me ... I care about homeless people, animals.  My eyes can't bear to look sometimes, because of the pain it causes in my heart.

The reason for the pain is because I can't do anything to help them... I can't take them in from the cold.  It's hard enough to pay rent on our home, buy our groceries, pay our bills, and buy gas... these days.

Though I close my eyes to their needs, I 'know' they are there.  They don't go anywhere just because I choose not to see them... maybe you choose not to see them, too.

I always 'knew' I would be wealthy one day.  'One day' didn't come yet...  I always knew I would make a difference, a positive difference in people's lives.  Well, I haven't done that either.  I wanted to, but.....

But.... it's always 'but'....  I'm sitting here like sometimes, I bet you do... thinking of the 'whys' I haven't done this, done that.  I always seem to think of reasons 'why', then... the word 'but'....  no matter what answer I have ... everything sounds like an excuse.

I wish I were rich .... I would go looking for the people I 'know are there'... I would be like Victoria Fairchild in my story ... I would make happiness come in their hearts, smiles on their faces reflecting that happiness.

I would stand at a distance to watch, them never knowing I was there, I would cause good things to happen to them.... I would warm myself with their joy, just as we warm ourselves by the fireplace.

I want to do that so badly.  I see, hear people almost everyday when out... I wish so much to help them.  They never know I listen, I wish....

Just today, we were at the Waffle House eating breakfast.  As I sat drinking their good coffee, I listened to the young waitress who waited on us.

She was telling an older lady waitress about how hard she was working to pay a little money on this bill, on that bill, never getting one totally paid off.

I understood what she was talking about ... the cost of living here is high.  If you don't have a lot of money, it's hard to catch up.  We go through it all the time.

I remember what it's like to have money, to never worry about paying bills, feeling light-hearted, not worrying.  It's a good feeling... I know I wish for that back.  I cared about people then, and Skip and I did make good things happen... sometimes, we managed to without the recipient knowing.

When they knew we were doing something good for them... we didn't make a big deal of it... we didn't need them to say 'thank you'.  We just wanted to see a smile, relief in someone's eyes, just ... some peace of mind.

Gracious, can you imagine how wonderful it feels to help someone, to make little dreams of theirs... to come true?  It's the most wonderful feeling in the world.  I know, I've experienced it many times through the years.  I loved 'walking in those shoes'.... I absolutely .... loved it.

Even now, not having a lot of 'extra'... I still do things.  If I have something I hear someone wishing for... and it doesn't cause us to go without... I will give it to them.  I believe in 'passing things forward'.... when one person does a kindness to you... turn around... do a kindness to the next 'fellow.'

I wonder how the world would be if ... each person in it, turned toward the next person... said a kind word, did a kind act.... I think it'd be wonderful.  Don't you know miracles would occur?  Magic would happen.

I am not kind all the time... I'm not perfect.  Sometimes, I am mean if 'rubbed the wrong way.'  Just know Granny Gee isn't a perfect person at all.

All I have written is what I feel ... I have a kind heart... I dislike people who scam, or take advantage.  I recognize them ... once I do, my heart hardens.

I would want to be a defender of helpless people, animals.... fight for the underdog.  If I had the power, the money to do such ... I would be a ... force to be reckoned with.  I 'would save my people, animals.'  :)))                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          


By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

It means the world to me when I have a new follower.  I saw yesterday that I had many new ones.  I thought ... I can't just
not tell you all 'nothing', or take it for granted...

So, I'm telling you now, at this very moment, how much each of you mean to me.  You don't know the happiness it brought to my heart to see all of you... both old, and new.  I had a happy smile on my face last night... woke up thinking about you.  I am so honored.

I just wanted to tell you... because you wouldn't know.... if I didn't.  I'm so glad each, and everyone of you are here.

Love, Granny Gee/aka Gloria Faye Brown Bates  :)))

Monday, January 21, 2013

Shoes Of A Different Color... Taban's Car Seat ... Damn House Phone!

Granny Gee's shoes ... today I wore them for several hours before discovering they don't match....  :)))  It was one of those 'I don't believe it' moments.

Shoes Of A Different Color...  Taban's Car Seat ...  Damn House Phone!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I went to run several errands on Sunday, I visited several stores.  I didn't feel my best but, I had the confidence I normally have, until ... I looked down at my feet.  Something seemed a little odd, at that moment I didn't pick up on it.

My mind kept saying 'something 'isn't right'.  I looked back down at my feet, my mind not registering anything out of the way.  I went on to finish all I needed to do, got in my truck, came home.  My truck is high enough off the ground that I have to step up on the running board to enter it.  Sometimes, it isn't an easy job when there are days my body 'feels the pain more'... also, for a 'short' person.  :)))

When I got home, I began to exit my truck and slid down to the ground... when the sunlight revealed to me what I had not seen before ... I was wearing different sneakers!  They didn't match!  They were of different colors!  Oh my God!  I went out in public like this!  I couldn't believe it.  I knew I wasn't feeling well, but.....

Well, hopefully no one noticed it... thankfully, they were of the same style, but... of different (soft) colors.  I didn't recall anyone looking down at my feet... I 'looked into my mind immediately!').

I had gotten sick on Saturday, very sick with flu-like symptoms ...enough so, that Skip was worried.  I slept all of Saturday evening, through the night, and on Sunday morning, I felt 'well'.  How fortunate was I?  I didn't feel 100%, but, almost.  I think I 'missed the bullet.'

Not feeling the very best, is my only excuse for wearing non-matching shoes.  I did that once many years ago, when I worked in the office... I couldn't go home, I kept my feet hidden under my desk!

Not only did that happen... something kept distracting my attention as I drove my truck.  Each time I looked into my rear view mirror, I saw this:

Taban's brand-spanking new car seat.  I will save this for him 'one day'... I already have his wagon, dump truck, artist easel with paints, paper, Christmas presents, and toys... blankets..... and .... and ..... and.................................................................................

This was what kept bothering me as I looked into my rear view mirror... see Taban's seat sitting there on the 3rd seat of my truck?

Taban's car seat has sat here almost as long as Tommy's been gone.  Taban has never gotten to ride, while sitting in it.

 Taban's seat still rides with me everywhere I go, sitting there wishing for a little, precious boy to sit in it.  It been there for almost as long as Tommy's been gone.  I ordinarily don't let my mind focus on it....

That was the second thing ... today, that bothered me.  When I got home, got inside... another thing made me feel worse.

You can see 24 Missed Calls... get an idea how much I pay attention to that house phone, I don't hear it anymore ... I don't care.  Who's going to call, unless it's someone with something 'bad' to ... tell me?

The third thing... the house phone was ringing ... Kissy began crying, howling.  It sounds so sad, I can't bear to hear him do that.  It's strange ... it's really strange he does that.

I 'know why' I can't bear to hear the house phone... that's how I found out Tommy was ... Tommy died.  The man talking on Tommy's cellphone called our house phone...

I hate the house phone, I feel instant anger when it rings.  'If' I answer it, I know anger is in my voice... I feel mad, I feel anger....  I begin to tense up when it rings.

It is just how it affects me... so, whoever chances calling me on it, also.... may hear pure anger in my voice.  I know it's wrong, not right... but, tell my feelings that.  I feel 'mad' now.. talking about it.  I'm not mad at who calls.... I'm mad ... at something in the past.

Combined with how I feel, Kissy crying each time it rings... it's almost... unbearable.  We use it mostly to fax with. I would not keep it, if it wasn't needed.  Our cellphones would be enough..

I've turned the phones down as low as they will go... thinking the tone is too high for Kissy... it doesn't matter.  He begins crying, howling... anyway.

Same thing when he hears the theme song for 'Two and a Half Men'... and the 'bacon, bacon, bacon commercial.'  Kissy will begin crying so pitifully, it turns into howling non-stop.

We can use the remote control on the tv to mute the sound, but... we don't have a remote control... for everything.

So, today shoes of a different color, Taban's car seat, and the house phone have bothered me.... threes are always my number it seems.  A lot of times though... threes are significant in a good way.  Today, they weren't... I felt them more because I was sick.

All of these things were upsetting, but... I don't dwell on things too long... I make myself 'let go'.....  to find peace of mind.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Like A Drunken Jumping Jack With Binoculars ... SNOW!

I took these photos while we were out last night... trying to 'capture the snow as I saw it'... these photos look nothing like what I saw with my 'binoculars.'  Granny Gee/Gloria :)))

Like A Drunken Jumping Jack With Binoculars... SNOW!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Last night, we got our first snow of the year!  It wasn't a lot of snow, but... while it was falling... it was wonderful!  'It looked like it was going to snow forever ... thick, beautiful, white ... nature was really outdoing herself for a little while, here.'

We were out driving as it came down.  The flakes were huge, and the downfall thick, fluffy-looking as it hit our windshield.  In the lights of my truck ... there was quite a show going on!

The wind was blowing the snow from one direction to the other ... trees would block the snow's fall ... for brief moments, making it appear that it wasn't snowing hard... when in fact, it was!

I wanted to see 'into' the snow!  How could I do that, I wondered?  I wanted to 'watch it forever'.

I told Skip that I ... so, wished I had something like a huge snow globe... where it snowed forever ... not just when one shook it up!  I wanted to be able to 'stand there as long as I wanted to ... to watch it snow, without it stopping.'

When I say that, this is from a person who has been in real blizzards, real storms of all kinds .... I mean it in a different way.  I have seen it snow all I wanted to ... but, not like ... I want to.

I'll give you an idea of what I mean.  Last night, Skip was driving, I was free to watch it snowing ... but, I didn't want 'to just watch'... I wanted to 'really see it', to really 'feel it'.  How could I do that?

Well, I accomplished the first, I was already too cold to accomplish the second ... I really didn't 'want to feel it.'  :)))  I'll tell you what I did, and I did it without thinking ... when I became aware of what I was doing... I felt like a child.

Picture this.... I began cupping my hands in 'binocular' fashion... to concentrate on the snow flying toward the windshield.  Oh, how beautiful it was!

Thick, white snow coming toward the windshield, the wipers pushing it off as it made contact.  'Never-ending snow'... I didn't want it to end.  I became frustrated because I wanted to watch it 'forever.'

The snow was mesmerizing ... I felt like I was hynotized as I watched it... I wanted it to last, and last... and last.

I had leaned all around in my seat to watch it with my 'binoculars.'  I never thought of how I looked to Skip as I did that!  I may have looked like a drunken jumping jack in a box... leaning all around from the waist!

If so, then... this jumping jack enjoyed watching it snow!  I wish I had 'something' ... that I could watch it snow 'all I wanted it to', I could sit as long as I wanted to ... to watch it.

I wish I could 'get lost' in it, come back when I was ready to.  I've never heard of such a thing (of course!  I never hear of 'such a thing' when I wish for some things!)

Skip suggested a snow globe.  "No, Skip, I don't want a snow globe, I would have to keep shaking it up, to make it snow."  Why wouldn't I want to do that?

Because.... this is most important... I don't want anything to break up my focus, my concentration so, when I 'enter the snow world'... I don't 'come back here... until I'm ready to!'

Thursday, January 17, 2013

A Memory Drifted By In My Mind...

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

A Memory Drifted By In My Mind...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/ aka Granny Gee

I sit here in my world that's been sad
Feeling happy, light-hearted deep in my soul
Thoughts, memories stirring in me of
My lover, my best friend ... my hero

I am sitting here looking inside my mind
I can't see you, because you aren't there
I see my thoughts, I hear them.. too
I can't feel them with my hands, I can with my heart

I see a memory coming closer
It's of me standing on tiptoes to place a kiss
On your sweet lips, I kiss your nose, too
I love you my... husband, with my very heart

The memory floated away in my mind
Just as another memory drifted in
There you are smiling at me, love in your eyes
Do you know how dear you are to me?

I feel a softness in my face, in my heart, when I think of you
I love you, my husband, my lover, my best friend
You are my life, my world ... my hero
As that memory floats away ... we make more memories to take its place

I love you, my husband, my lover, my best friend
You are my life, my world ... my hero
I feel a softness in my face, in my heart, when I think of you
As I think of you, see you ... a memory is taking its place at this moment


I was thinking of Skip as I wrote this ... I read it to him ... I said to him, "I wrote this thinking of you."  Skip said, "I can tell, it's self-explanatory."  :)))

I just smiled, nodded... sometimes, even after twenty-plus years, a shyness can pop up out of nowhere ... sweet, special ... you know what I'm speaking of ... remember experiencing it when first meeting the love of your life?

I still feel that soft, so sweet shyness with my husband sometimes.  When I do ... it rates stopping for a moment to take a closer look ... I only smile more ... when I do.

I love you, Skip ... I love you to my dying day.  If I died at this moment, I will have known, loved the best husband, best friend ... in this whole-wide ... world.  Love Your Wife, Gloria :)))

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


Gloria at age three ... when she was a little precious, innocent girl ... she was becoming to learn there were human monsters in her 'little girl world'... she just didn't know the difference between the real ones, or the fictitious stories told to her.  All she knew was that the 'boogeyman would get her' if she continued to be 'mean'.  They got her ... anyway.

People Trust Faces Of Human Monsters, Never Knowing...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I was just reading a post on someone's blog... I read something that struck deep inside me.  I 'always knew this'... but, how does a child put to voice ..words he/she doesn't have in their possession?  How can a child learn such at that young, tender age?  They can't.

Little children haven't learned the words needed to tell the people who are their parents, caregivers, protectors .... 'help me ... Grandpa or, Uncle So and So, or Aunt Jane... they are touching me, they are hurting me.  Or, the pastor's son is hurting me... or Katherine's boyfriend' is .............................. the list goes on, and ... on.

I sat here thinking about the post I read.  Basically... what I read was .... children don't have to be afraid of the scary bedtime stories, or the boogeymen that's going to get them if they are mean.

I went on to read 'what I always knew, lived as a small child'.  A child has to be more afraid of the 'human monsters', than the fictitious stories of boogeymen, monsters that 'get mean little children'.

I felt a sickness in the pit of my stomach when I was reading that... why?  Because, though I block so much in my mind ... my memories are still there when I was a little girl.

I've put many layers of protection over them through the years, because of what happened to me... I still feel the sickness, nervousness in my stomach.  Just think what it would feel like... had there been no layers there......

I can't help but, to look inside my mind at this moment... to 'see faces' on some of the 'human monsters' I met as a little, innocent girl-child.

You would think this is an easy thing to do ... it isn't.  There have been so many years that have passed ... I'm not feeling the best 'inside' for the moment, because I have traveled back into the past.

The first person I can see in my mind was a close family member whom I loved.  I may have been between age three- four ... who knows how long it went on before my 'little girl mind' began to become aware of him, to .... retain memories of things I didn't know the words to.  If I didn't know ... how could I tell?  I wasn't old enough to know right from wrong.

This person was one of the people who took care of me, my little precious brother... I could say he lived with us.  I don't want to say that ... I don't want to remember.

He was there, when we took our baths in the bathtub.  My little brother and I would sit, laugh, play in the warm water.  The bubbles, oh how I loved the bubbles as a little girl ... how I love the bubbles as a big girl.

He would dry my little brother off with a big, soft towel.  He put pajamas on him, and then, they were gone.  My mind says he took him to bed, came back ... to ... dry me off.

I won't think any further that, only ... I remember so strongly through all the layers, through these years ... how he took my little hand in his, pulling it to do things ... a little girl hand shouldn't.

My head feels so awful at this moment, my stomach feels shaky, I 'will let go' now, of this memory.  It is upsetting me ... there's more 'there'.  I feel the need to cry... I won't.  I choose to go on, now... I just can't take it.

Another partial memory forces itself on me... being at the bed, him pulling my little girl body, my little girl hand..... somehow, I was trying 'not to see him' ... was my little girl hands trying to cover my face?  Or is it my 'big girl' eyes trying not to see ....

So, how did I know this family member was doing the ultimate in child abuse, child molestation when he 'did the things he did to me'?  Did it not count ... when it came to me?  Was it only important when it 'happen to other children'?  When I was a little girl, 'was I supposed to be molested, and it be all right'?

I don't bother to think about these things, excepting ... when I'm faced with a reminder that 'touches something deep inside me'.  The post I read, made me feel 'uneasy, uncomfortable, sick' inside.  It triggered the memories of the 'human monsters' I began to meet as a little, innocent child.

In my mind, little memories began to swirl, dance forward for me to 'see', then... swirl off, teasing me ... to try to get my attention .... to invite me back to the past remember.

I think for now, I'll stop.  My mind keeps pushing me to remember an uncle.... who babysat 'some of us little children'.  When I think of him now... I think how wild animals do when they prey on a herd ... they separate, isolate 'the victim' they've chosen.

I, 'being the victim', remember trying to stretch tall enough to look out the window of the pantry.  I could hear all the others screaming, laughing, running, playing outside.

I was inside this room, my uncle (I didn't know what 'uncle' meant... I was still around three-four years old) ... handed me a cookie, laid me down on the floor.  I didn't want to stay there, I wanted to run, squeal, play with the others.

I was always terrified of him whenever he appeared after that, as I grew up.  I remember freezing in place when I saw him.  I can't remember what else happened in that pantry... why?  I don't want to.

I just wondered something ... I was being abused, molested not by 'one human monster'.  Did they not know that another human monster was doing such to a little child so early in age ... that little girl had met two in the short span of her life ... would it have stopped the other, thinking 'this is too much to happen to one so young, I won't add more on her'?

These were 'my first encounters' with human monsters.  I went on to meet many, many more before I grew up.  All the human monsters I met .... had wonderful, loving smiles.  They were well-thought of, they were 'somebody people trusted'... they could never do any wrong.

I grew up being afraid of 'hands'... hands reaching out to me.  I always backed off from people who wanted to reach for me, to hug me ... as a young girl.  I felt anger.....

Of course, through the years, I didn't stay like that.  I learned to be hugged, not to stiffen until 'it was over'.  I will hug someone now, when I could never do it before.... to show caring, comfort.

I learned to do that when working in a hospital.  That experience taught me a lot of things about life ... not only that.  I saw the results of 'human monsters' in other people's lives.

I always 'reached out' to hug, if I didn't hug them... when they saw my eyes they saw 'caring, that I felt deeply for them'.  I cried for them, they never knew.  I cared for them, more than they saw in my eyes.

Everyday, people trust every person 'who is supposed to be a pillar of the community, a professional, a family member, a babysitter'... just every person who smiles kindly, charms ... who seems to be wonderful people.  There are a lot of 'these people' who 'get by with doing things they shouldn't'.

How else could they do it, if they weren't trusted?  To blend in, making the right sounds, looking the part ... is how they prey on the weak.  They never let their dark sides show ... if they did, they'd never be trusted around a child, be in prison, or ... dead.  Some people won't tolerate their children being preyed upon ... much less ... touching them in ways they shouldn't.

People trust faces of human monsters, never knowing... especially when that face is either kind, handsome, pretty, charming, a face that looks so, so ........... clean, good, wholesome, so angelic.  Why someone who looks like that can't do any evil... how could they?  They 'don't look the part'... you know all evil things 'look dark and ugly, repulsive'......... don't they?

People trust faces of human monsters, never knowing.....

Link to post I read to trigger my post for today......

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Blanket Of Fog ... Pretty Grief

I took this photo with my IPhone at 6:30 am this morning ... you can't see my truck very well for the curtain of fog... grief can be like this, it can hide the light sometimes more, sometime less just like the fog.  When it passes for a time ... everything is clear once again.  :))) Granny Gee/Gloria

Blanket Of Fog ... Pretty Grief

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I looked into the night
I could not see far
The fog hung in the air
Like a heavy, gray curtain

I walked to my truck
Got in, started it, turned lights on
I still couldn't see, the blanket hung
On the damp, cool air

I drove slowly scanning both sides
Of the gray highway, gray as the fog
I saw the partial bodies of several deer
As the blanket of fog hid them

It seemed one bigger deer was pushing, nudging
To make sure the last one
Would get behind the curtain of fog
Gently... like a mother would do with her young

Standing there, waiting for all to go
To disappear behind the curtain
Ready to protect at a moment's notice
As she watched over her babies

It made an impression on me
This morning as I pushed my way
Through the gray blanket
The curtain of fog

I was thinking about a mother's love
For her child, love as I had for my child
A mother would die protecting her baby
Just as I would have done for my son

I never knew he would 'go' before me
That's not how it's supposed to be
Children aren't supposed to die before
Their parents do, they have a whole life ahead

The protective mother deer I saw
This morning influenced my thoughts for this moment
She made me think of myself
When I once had a baby, a child, my son

I miss you, Tommy, I sit here
With a heavy heart, tears in my eyes
Threatening to spill over onto my keyboard
As I write these words ... to remember ... you

Now, I feel as if I will weep
I close my eyes, gently shake my head
Side to side, I rub my forehead
Thinking... my son is gone, my son is gone

I couldn't protect you, keep you from dying
I couldn't gently pull you back
From the hands of Death that took you
That fateful evening, lead you off the way sea gulls fly

I couldn't be like that mother deer who
Gently pushed, nudged her babies to safety
Behind the gray curtain of fog
To hide them, protect them from any threat

I was too far away, I didn't know
I didn't know your trip would lead to another trip
One you had to leave on, to never come back
Once you got there, you left so soon

To go to Heaven from the sand
Left little Taban in the presence of angels
To care for him until his mommy came
Left... leaving our lives forever changed

I know someone called you
A higher power than we mere beings
Called you home that evening
No matter the pain, grief never goes away

I'm always thinking of you, Son
Though I don't always speak of you
The pain, grief never goes away
I feel it so deeply this morning

The mother deer made me think of myself
As I used to protect you, nudge you
Away from anything that would hurt you
When you were my baby, my child... my son

Grief never goes away, no matter how one pretends they are doing just fine.  I sit here, cry now, tears run down my cheeks.  I cry out of frustration knowing my son is gone, I can't bring him back.

I look at Tommy's photos constantly, still feeling him 'here.' Only I can't find him, I don't know where to look.  I tell myself he's gone, when I look at his photos... it seems he hasn't gone anywhere.

He was such a strong personality, a real person, funny at times... sometimes, not so funny.  I just can't believe it... for a time I go on to pretend he's just on a trip like when he drove a tractor-trailer.  When it's takes so long before he gets to come home ... I realize... he's never coming back.  Tommy's never coming back.

Fresh tears, more tears... so many that my cheeks are drenched in tears that shine in the light of my computer monitor.  Shine like the diamonds I love, so clear... so bright.

The pain hurts my heart so deeply.  This morning when I saw the mother deer, it triggered something in me.  I saw how she was protecting her babies as a human mother would do.  It touched my heart, made me remember how... I used to protect my baby, my child, my son.

Again, this is how grieving for Tommy has been.  I share real feelings with you.  I think I'm all right, doing fine... grief strikes me from out of the blue, I never expect it.

It weakens me, makes my chest hurt, feel heavy... I feel like I want to go hide me in the bed, cover my head up, go to sleep... until it all goes away... until all the pain, grief goes away.

I wonder sometimes, if that's what happens when one sees older people in a nursing home... people who are forever in another world until their bodies die?  They lay there in a coma, they could wake up one day... one day... they might not.

I wonder if they had just so much pain, grief... that they went into a permanent sleep until... one day their bodies did the same?  When their bodies, minds connected to sleep the sleep... of death?

I want to live so much!  I have always loved life... since Tommy's death, I still want to live ... so much!  Sometimes... I, myself... feel guilty that I do.

How can I be happy when ... my son is dead?  Should I be?  Is it all right?  Will I ever be again?  Can you imagine a mother being happy... when her son has died?  Does that sound right?

Questions, questions...  I am happy one moment, sad the next, wanting to cry, wanting to be near people, then... not being around people.

Leave me alone, don't leave me alone... let me stay private, go away... no, come back, I want to live, I want to be happy again, I want... my son back.

I don't want to talk to anyone in person, by phone.  I hate our telephone, I turn down its ring.  That's how I learned of Tommy's death... I hate my phone.  I feel anger when I hear its ring.

These are feelings, thoughts of this grieving mother... crazy as they may seem.  It's the truth, it's not pretty.  I never heard the word 'pretty' ever used ... with the word 'grief.'

Pretty Grief... no, I've never heard of that.... I don't feel anything pretty about it at all.

My grief feels like anger at times, I feel like 'birds trapped in a cage panicking, beating their wings fast to escape'... I want to scream, I want to cry.

I don't want sympathy, someone to feel sorry for me.  I am mad now... my son's gone.  I'm in pain ... my heart hurts.

I feel hate, I feel love.  I'm a good person, the way I feel ... is bad.  I'm sorry, I'm not sorry.  I'm ashamed.

Leave me alone, let me weep, cry, mourn the loss of my son.  The pain is no less now, than when he died... only some time has gone by.

In my mind... I cry, I sob.  I even scream out my pain.  I think terrible things because I'm mad, my son is gone.  I throw myself down hard to the floor, I weep... I weep... I weep.  I want to push everyone away... go away, if I can't have my son, I surely don't want you... just leave me alone with my pain.  You can't change it, no one can.

In reality... I'm not that way at all.  I smile, I go my own way.  You don't see any of this... it's like the curtain, the blanket of fog.

I can hide my grief, my pain ...just as the mother deer hid her babies, nudging ... pushing them behind the gray curtain of fog.

You may see partial grief from me for a brief moment... but, not for long, it's not my way ... to show you my hurt, because I care for your feelings, I wouldn't want to ... cause you pain.  I know well how it feels.  I try to never hurt anyone.

I really like you, don't want you to go away.  Don't leave me alone in my pain... the grief makes me feel that way.

Grief is unlike any emotion you'll ever have ... because when your heart loves another being, especially a part of 'you', your body, your blood ... when they go away, something changes in you.  A most real part of you, dies... also.

I sit here, try to describe real grief to you, so... you can understand.  After all these words of pain I have typed... I see that I have in no way described how it really feels... one can only 'feel' it.  I pray that you never will.

Now... I take a soft, gentle ... deep breath.  I have typed quickly all I felt when this wave of grief came over me.  I don't know that I'll have the nerve to read back over all I wrote.  I may feel embarrassed for having describe such raw emotion.

I could just delete it all, but... I won't.  I told you I would tell you exactly how grief feels.  This is just another 'major earthquake', tsunami, storm ... call it what you will.  This was a very strong one, whatever it was.

You don't have to worry, I understand this is normal.  It's going to happen from time to time.  When I think of my grief, I think of others who are experiencing such grief... I have to let go of mine to care, think about theirs.  My heart cries for them.

Everything is going to be all right now.  All you see is a smile ... hopefully, a pretty smile ... because there's nothing pretty about grief... that I try to hide from you ... because who has ever seen, or heard of 'pretty grief?'

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Each Of You Have Taken Time For Me, Thank You...

Two packages arrived from another country ... they held four (4) beautiful printed books with six (6) months of my blog/photos.  You can't imagine the joy I felt when I saw these books, how special it feels to hold them in my hands... because I didn't know she was thinking of me.... once again.  Thank you from my very Heart.

This is a close-up of two of the beautiful books... can you imagine getting such a special gift?  And someone actually going to all it took to create these books?  I can only say I'm so amazed, awed  ... it just touches me so deeply.

Each Of You Have Taken Time For Me, Thank You...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I wanted to stop for a moment to say 'Thank You' to four people who have touched my life in different ways.

I received a two big packages in the mail............ that held 4 books, and gifts for both Skip and I.  They were wrapped in happy, red and white Christmas paper.

My friend, who was also, Tommy's friend...  sent them hoping they'd be here by Christmas.  She hoped we could put them under our little Christmas tree to open on Christmas morning.  The packages arrived just a few days ago.  They traveled from another country, the holidays made them late.

My heart was touched deeply.  This special person took many hours of her time to make four (4) books for me, complete with photos... of six (6) months of my stories from my blog.

You can see the photos at the top of this.  I want you to know that I sat, held them in my hands knowing her hands, her heart, her thoughts ... were of me as she worked hard on them.

She thought of me once again, when I didn't know she was.  How special is it.... when someone goes out of their way to do something for you... and you never know that they are thinking of you?  To do such ... special things?  Like you are someone so special to them?

Do you know... it makes me cry, because it touches me so deeply inside?  Even at this moment as I type these words to let you know of this special thing to me... my sight is blinded by a rush of hot tears.  

My nose burns, I had to take off my reading glasses to wipe them dry... yes, Granny Gee has the need of reading glasses.   I still try to take them off quickly, hide them so... no one will know that!  There is still alittle vanity left in this 'ole' girl.  :)))  I'm just saying.......................

I feel I just want to sit, cry because these four books with the name of my blog... my name on the covers... inside are my words telling you stories of my grief, pain, remembering Tommy, my life.... touches me more than I can say in words.

My feelings are in printed words all because someone did something so special... for me.  She printed all those words, pages ... made books for .... 'me.'  Can you imagine how surprised I was, how honored I felt, how... just amazed I am?  She knew I wanted my blog to be in a book some day....

I want to publish some of my stories from my blog later.  For now, I'm working on a story for my first book (yes, I mean to write a book... I have set my mind to it) .... some of you are already reading it.  I just shortened the title to it...

The name of it is:  WHEN SHE'S GOOD, SHE'S GOOD...    I did have the title as:  When She's Good, She's Good... When She Is Bad...  A friend of mine in Germany and I talked about shortening it... I took her suggestion because I liked it.  Thank you, Susanne.  She mentioned translating it into the German language.  It will be nice to see it in English.  :)))

I don't pretend to be a writer, I am what you see here.  Just know I'm a humble person, no pretenses.  I've just set my mind on doing this... I want to write this book.  When I accomplish that.... there are more stories to write.

Either I do it, or I fail...  I won't feel bad either way.  It's as simple as that... I say this softly:  "I just want to write my book."  :)))  I have a story to tell... :)))  Oh.. I know I'll make mistakes along the way... I'm new at this.  I'm learning as I go... and later on, when I accomplish my goal... I will do as someone did for me tonight.......

So... I'm in the open with my goal... when usually one would stay quiet about it until 'that day'.....  You all have been here with me at the beginning of my blog... when I was coming from the Dark World of Grief after Tommy, my only child died...

I've shared my most deepest feelings, my grief.... I'd like to share this with you.  You can see how far I go with this... if you ever want to share your tips, experience, know-how... here is the one person it would mean the world to.  When I accomplish my goal, I will 'pass it on/pay forward', as I believe in doing just that to make someone's path easier.

Tonight, I had the honor of talking with someone who is a published author.  He called, talked with me about publishing my book, walked me through things to be aware of when publishing, giving me tips.  I took notes as we talked.  Thank you, so much.... that meant the world to me.  Also, I thank our mutual friend whose words 'made me jump off the bridge'... to go ahead and take steps to begin this new journey.

Thank you, my special friend who has once again thought of me without me knowing.  How do I deserve the nice things you have done for me?  I am so appreciative, I treasure these four (4) books you took your hands, time to make for me.  I sit and hold them, look inside... my thoughts always come back to 'wow, I can't believe she did this for me.'

I will say goodnight to all of you.  You all mean the world to me, thank you for being here.  Thank you for following me.  Love, Granny Gee/Gloria :)))

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Daydream In A Dewdrop...

Just A Doodle By Gloria... 2013 GBB

Daydream In A Dewdrop...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I looked into the dewdrop my mind entered
To walk around in the clear view I could see
From outside, as I held the flower it was on

I was curious as to what I would see in there
When I looked into the dewdrop, I had no clue
I didn't see anything to draw me in

Soft laughter was coming from my right
I turned my mind, I wondered who it could be
What was making such a happy sound

My mind wandered to the pretty, green trees
I followed a path lined with exotic flowers of all kinds
The laughter sounded nearer, I couldn't wait to see

Soon, I could see the sun reflecting on water ahead
I saw rocks sitting in a stream, water rushing around them
Caressing, shaping them through time

I turned my mind to the right, I heard a little squeal
Of delight, happiness, pure joy
I wondered what it could be to cause such a happy sound

My mind went closer, saw a pretty girl sitting on a rock
She dangled her feet into the water, as she did
Water rushed by, splashing onto her dress, her face

She didn't seem to mind, she sat there with her eyes closed
How peaceful she seemed as she sat there
Her pretty face held a contented smile

My mind looked closer at her, she seemed so familiar
As she opened her eyes to look at this mind of mine
We connected... it was myself sitting there in a daydream!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

No One Must Know Who I Am

No One Must Know Who I Am...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Under the cover of darkness I made my way
To a secret doorway to another world
Another world that is Hell

Where the weak are preyed upon by the strong
Either robbed, raped, or killed
Living in this world it is just... a matter of time

Where are the dead people buried
I've never heard, nor seen
Where the dead are taken from this world

I see people standing in the distance
Around a metal can with a burning fire
I see flames dancing up to the sky

Someone just stirred that fire to make it blaze
To give extra warmth to ward off the cold
Let me place my hands there for a moment

I joined the crowd at the fire
Held my hands out to warm
I'm here on a mission, no one must know

I have joined these people, I'm one of their own
I live two lives, they must not know
I have a secret doorway I travel between two worlds

I make dreams come true, miracles happen
For now, I am homeless, but, I see
I watch, listen, wait to 'know'... soon I'll be gone

I'll slip out that doorway back to riches in my world
For I am a millionaire in my real life
I visit the homeless, stay for a time, go back to make a miracle happen

No one knows who I am, I live with two closets
One with the world's finest clothes
The second with the most pitiful of wardrobes

I listen to a child who wishes for a real bed
Not knowing what a real bed feels like
She says it must feel like a cotton cloud

I'll make sure that child gets her bed
She doesn't know it yet
She'll have a new bed, home by the end of the month

I stay in Hell long enough to know
Just who I want to rescue from this world
To bring out my secret doorway, to a new life

Let me go now, to do my work
Make the most of my stay here
Soon, I will make a miracle come true

No one must know who I am
I'm like the wind you don't see cooling your skin
I'm invisible, but.. I'm there

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Sissies Live Longer!

Artist Trading Card by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee... 'Muriel, the Mermaid'... I have this ATC card in an album for Taban, my grandson.  I have an ATC card for McKenzie...  This folds up to fit the card.....

^^^^^^^^^^^^   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Sissies Live Longer!

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I was running fast, I jumped into the helicopter.  There was so much room around me sitting there.  The doors stayed opened, I held on to the handle by the doorway.

The pilot began lifting the helicopter into the air, I felt the wind blowing on my face, sweeping my hair back.  Oh, what a glorious feeling!  I felt free... free as the wind!

I looked down onto the treetops, all was so clear!  How beautiful the scenery was!  I could see water down below... I did feel a little tingle of fear.... don't crash, helicopter, don't crash!

The pilot began to follow a river of water, he came down closer to the water... there was something moving in the ... oh my!  There were dolphins swimming along in the water!  Dolphins with kind, gentle faces!

We followed, hovering from time to time, to watch these gentle creatures as they moved gracefully in the water, all in a single line....  I woke up.  I woke up disappointed not to get to follow along to  see where the dolphins went....

Dreams...  dreams seem so real!  It's like you are actually living, doing the impossible in them.  In this dream, I was happy though, just a little nervous.  One never knows if a helicopter is going to crash!  :)))

I 'know' there was so much more to my dream than that... I wish I could remember it.  I should have jotted things down on one of the notebooks I have laying around.  I'm glad this wasn't a scary dream...

I was thinking about the last time I was on a helicopter... I was in Miami Beach, Florida.  I got to fly out over the ocean, I saw something that I will never forget.  If everyone had seen it, too.... no one would be swimming in there again!

I couldn't believe the many sharks that swam close to the beaches ... close to the people playing, swimming in the water.  I thought about the time when I was a little girl... when my father, stepmother took us to the beach... they made my two sisters come back close to the sand... they never called me back!

Sharks!  Maybe they hoped a shark would get me, solve their problem of child support, and having to care for me ... they already had two little beautiful girls... they didn't need another one.  :)))

I think back to the insurance policy that was on me from the time I was a baby.... Shark, why didn't you get me as a little girl?  After what I saw on that helicopter, I know sharks were close by!  Maybe all this was my imagination... maybe they wanted this little girl to cherish, to love, to care for just as they did the other two.  I wish I could believe that.

I never had the nerve to want to try surfing, never.  I've never wanted to fish with the alligators ( I give credit to my brother that fishes with the alligators ).  I just never wanted to offer myself up as a possible food source ... something might come along, take me seriously.

Anything with a bigger mouth than I have, you have ... wherever they are at, I don't want to be near by when they are hungry.  Have you ever thought about it?  Something with a bigger mouth than you could eat you up!

The closest I came to experiencing a 'shark attack' came when I was a young woman.  I had waded out into the water.  I had on a long skirt down to my ankles ... I loved to walk on the beach, feel the wind blow my skirt, hair, twirl around... feel free!

I waded into the water to mid-thigh.  I was holding my skirt up, unsuccessfully trying to keep it dry.  I felt something bump me hard on my right thigh, it hurt.  I looked down ... there was a shark about three to four feet long.

I turned to run out of that water... somehow, I was out of it fast!  It may have not been the biggest shark... but..... it didn't take a shark bigger than that to convince me .... to stay out of the water!

My Grandma Alma used to tell me, "if you play with fire, you are going to get burned by fire!"  I thought to myself, if I keep putting me into the shark's territory, I'm going to get bitten... or be had for supper!  It's like sprinkling food into the fish tank.... something's going to eat it.

I only go in the water up to my ankles, let the waves splash.  I still keep an eye out... one can still get bitten doing that!  To those who scoff at me for being a sissy .... :)))  I don't mind ... sissies live longer!  :)))