Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Thank You For Hurting Me... You Only Put More Steel In My Backbone
Thank you For Hurting Me... You Only Put More Steel In My Backbone...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I have been brushing our two spoiled pups, and playing with them. It felt good to be away from the computer for a short while. I have been working on my book, 'I Cry For Tommy', diligently... for so long. I see it's going to take longer than I anticipated. The stress I've been experiencing lately has ... affected everything. I'll explain.
I've been reading back through things I've written for the past year, or so. I have written a lot of words. Most of those words were born from tear drops, grief in my heart... they flowed through my finger tips on every key my fingers touched, every character I typed. I wrote... pain.
There is so much that I don't remember writing at all. I know that I did... I just don't remember. Grief does that... it puts one into a dark tunnel... thankfully, the tunnel has light at the end now.
Grief... I can go for a while now, in between spells of it. I always feel it... When it takes hold of me, my life.... it weakens me, making it hard to think about anything else.
I've been doing a lot of thinking also, this past week. I have experienced two friends making me feel bad ... I know they couldn't believe my little book has been published. I have had several people in a 'round-bout way' ... question my 'publishing process'.
What is that supposed to mean? Do you doubt me? Do you think I have done something ... dishonest? Why do you ask such a question? I don't understand. Yes, you made me feel bad... but, I've recovered. My pants don't have dust on them ... anymore. I got back up with only more determination... no, you... didn't keep me down.
I wonder if any other writers experience such? Just because I published a little book... doesn't mean I think I'm so great. I'm no one for anyone to get jealous of... and at this moment, I'm not going to feel bad anymore because of these people. They are the 'ones who are changing'... I am the same person, I always will be. Just because I'm nice... I'm not going to be walked on. I'm just not...
But... the people who have hurt me lately... that's it. I lost any respect for you... that I once had. I would have been so happy for you, especially knowing like you knew... what I've come through to be here at this very moment. I almost... wasn't.
I will continue to smile, be nice to you... but.... I will be the one 'backing up to 'go away' from you, now. I don't want to be around you... anymore. You hurt me, but, I won't hurt you back... I'll simply remove myself from your presence.
If need to be, I will have to 'let go' of you on my social media. I don't need negativity in my life. The grief I experience every day of my life is 'negative', enough.
I've always wrote, I've always painted, I've always drawn... it's no big deal. It seems like because I've always been known for drawing, painting... and I never talked about writing.... suddenly, it's a shock to several people that know me.
You knew I wasn't 'stupid before'... why do you doubt me now? Because my son died? Do you think I have went crazy, I'm over the edge? Why... would you doubt me now, hurt my feelings because of one little book? Why?
I am going to say after all I've come through... I'm holding my ground, and I'm writing, and writing ... and writing with my imperfect self. Regardless of 'my publishing process'... you are going to see more ... of me. I'm not letting you hurt my feelings, to make me 'fall down, be afraid to get back up'.
I have dusted my a__ off, I'm not crying anymore. I want to thank you for putting some more 'steel in my backbone'. Yes, I feel anger. Yes... Granny Gee feels real anger now... and it's going to work in a positive way. I'm not letting your little comments, and actions 'keep me down'.
I don't mean to hurt anyone back for hurting me... but, it's time to draw a line in the sand... though I don't like, or respect the ones who hurt me so unexpectedly... I still care about you... but, I don't want you in my life.
I have just drawn an invisible line in the sand... thank you for hurting me. I will make it a positive thing.