Sunday, March 31, 2013

Poor Little Lion Cub...

Poor Little Lion Cub...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Sitting here with tears in my eyes, feeling emotional... I've been watching the Lion King movie.  I've always heard it was a wonderful movie... it is.

I knew it was supposed to be sad... but, I'd never heard 'in what way it was sad'.  I know ... now.  I know............... now.  I want to cry my heart out.  It's happy, it's sad... now, it's happy again.

I never liked to watch 'cartoon' movies... I was curious about this movie.  Poor little lion cub... I think of my little grandson.

The lion who was king, loved his little lion cub... Simba.  His little cub loved him.  The lion king had a brother who was jealous of him, hated him, and the little lion cub.

It was the brother lion who caused the death of the lion king... the little lion cub ran to his daddy... who was lying on the ground ... dead.  The little lion cub crawled under his daddy's paw and snuggled up to him... in grief.  His daddy had died...

I made it this far through the holiday without crying... tonight, I cry for my little grandson who doesn't have a daddy any longer... who loved his daddy just as this little lion cub loved his daddy.

I never knew the movie was going to affect me like this... I wouldn't have watched it at this particular time.

When the little lion cub cried for his daddy, crawled under his daddy's paw... it made me think of when Tommy lay on the sand where he collapsed at Myrtle Beach... it made me think of little Taban laying on the ground pointing up to the sky, saying... 'my daddy died, my daddy's up there.'

My heart breaks... tears pour down my cheeks, I can hardly breathe... I miss my son.  Little Taban misses his daddy... poor little ... lion cub.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

This Is The 3rd Easter Since Tommy's Been Gone...

I miss you, Son.  This is the 3rd Easter since you've been gone.  I remember how tired you were when this photo was taken... you made it in time for your baby son to be born... you parked your big truck in the hospital parking lot.


This Is The 3rd Easter Since Tommy's Been Gone...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This is the 3rd Easter without Tommy, the last being Easter 2010.  I've been trying to think of everything else ... not focus on him not being here.

I miss Tommy, his big 'sunshine' smile.  I miss hearing his soft voice, his fun laughter, twinkling eyes.  I would even let him mess my hair up if he were here.  He used to love to walk by, take his hand and put it on top of my head (he was six foot, four inches).... and rub my hair... making it go this way... that way.  :)))

I would fuss at him for messing my hair up, he'd just laugh at his mama, walk off grinning.  I would secretly grin, too.  He wanted me to fuss, so... I did.

I see that I'm going to be able to get through this Easter, be okay.  I'm not crying like I've been doing when holidays near.  Yes, so far... I'm okay.  It seems like a 'soft curtain' is between me ... the grief I know so well... as long as it doesn't open....

I wish all of you the most special of Easter holidays... with your children, your families.  Love, Gloria/Granny Gee

I wish my grandchildren, their families... a special Easter.  Love, Granny Gee

Big, Soft... Fluffy, Perfumed Hair Blown By The Wind, Kissed By The Sunshine's Warmth...

Photo of me with my happy, wonderful 'big' hair!  I was holding my beautiful Garraway, my red-headed Basset Hound...

Big, Soft... Fluffy, Perfumed Hair Blown By The Wind, Kissed By The Sunshine's Warmth...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Today, I went to a upscale beauty salon, talked to the owner.  When I left, I had learned quite a bit about my hair... and about what 'shouldn't have been done to it.'

The bad perm I got on March 08th could have caused all my hair to break off, or even 'fall out'...  I am so fortunate.

I learned that whatever chemicals was sprayed on my hair three times, and placing me under the hot hair dryer ... should have never been done on my hair.  The beauty salon owner couldn't understand what process would have made another beautician do that to my hair.

I told her that while under the hair dryer each time... the beautician was finishing up other women... and during the three times I was under the dryer after being 'sprayed'... five women had their hair done... and they left.  Not only that... I got there at 10:00 am.... and it was 1:59 pm exactly when I walked out.

The owner told me that personally she wouldn't put another perm in my hair for at least 6 months.... the 'manager' at the other salon was wanting to put another in ... right away.

I could have lost my hair yet once again... due to having it done at a beauty shop... not chemotherapy drugs.  I treasure my hair... I won't let it be abused again...

So, now... I will wait until Fall-time to get a perm by a reputable salon... and I asked the owner if she'd be the one to take care of my hair.  She said 'yes'... and in two weeks, she will use special products to color it with two colors like I want.  Not only that... she understands 'big hair'... she's a 'big hair girl'.... I'm very happy about that!

She understands that the 'bigger', fluffier, shiny my hair is... the happier I am!  :)))  She loves big hair from the 'eighties'... though her hair is short, stylish.  Maybe I should do my short, stylish... but, then... that isn't 'me'.

Let my hair be 'big, soft, fluffy'... let me put the scent of my favorite perfume in it, fluff it with my fingers... the wind blow it gently, the sunshine kiss it with its soft warmth.... I'll close my eyes and smile as I smell the beautiful fragrance wafting through the air, around my face.  This makes me smile, makes me happy....

I'm a 'big hair girl', too!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

I Would Let Vanity Fly Out The Window... Only Then

Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... 'Now'... I'm envying the hair of my little picture I always draw!  :)))

I Would Let Vanity Fly Out The Window... Only Then

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Wow!  I've gotten all kinds of wonderful tips from your comments, and emails... to help care for my damaged hair.  Thank-you very much for telling me.  That means so much...

I know I'm not going to cut, or shave my head as several people suggested... :)))  I've been 'bald-headed' twice in my life from the chemo drugs... I don't want to 'go that route' again.  Thank-you, anyway for your suggestions... I understand about 'starting over'.  I can't bear to do that again.

I like the ideas of using Infusion 24, and olive oil treatments.  Oh, and the mayonnaise.  I can see where that would work... I may try that.

I think for now, I will continue to use the Nexxus products I purchased.  Smells better, less messy... :)))

I will treat my hair so gently, and just 'go day by day'.  I know I had two comments about 'hair is just hair, it's no big thing'.  I understand that when one has 'never lost their hair to realize just how much it does mean'.... it does mean something to me.

I know as a woman just how devastating it can be... to lose a whole head of long, pretty, curly hair.... to lose a whole new growth of curls ... one year later.

It is just hair, I know.  It can grow back if it's gone... I know that, too.  I just can't bear the idea of 'letting go of it so easily unless I was 'forced' to, to save my life'.  I would let vanity fly out the window... only then.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

You Aren't Alone... If You've Ever Had A Bad Hair Experience

You Aren't Alone... If You've Ever Had A Bad Hair Experience
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

If you've had a bad hair experience, you aren't alone.  I'm here, I've had a really bad hair experience.

Everyday, I'm having to cope with it in my mirror.  I cope with it when I see people looking at my hair, wondering 'what happened to my hair!'  I can't explain to so many people...

My hair makes me cry now.  I have one more thing to make me cry.  It's almost comical.  Now... I cry over my hair...  look at my photos, wouldn't you cry, also?

I can't fix it, I can only wash, let it dry naturally so, as not to damage it any farther.  I began using Nexxus shampoo, conditioner.  It's very expensive.  I was told it would help my hair until it grows out... grows out!

I can't believe I have to 'let it grow out'... I have waited so long to get it the length it is... to reach the scar I told you about.  The scar of the first surgery I had when diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. (cancer).

Now... I don't know what else to do.  I wonder if anyone knows how I would care for my hair now.  No one has bothered to answer my calls, to at least tell me how to care for my hair.

After this email with photos of my hair... if I don't get an answer, I am going a step farther.  I feel I should get my money back, and get my hair taken care of.  Time will tell.  I will keep you updated.

I have never heard of anyone 'spraying a perm solution' on someone's hair like mine was done... not once, but... 3 times... each time being placed under the dryer again.  The chemicals are harsh, and combined with heat... you can see by the photos what happened.

You aren't alone if you have had a bad perm.  I'd be so interested in knowing how someone coped with their hair, cared for it.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I Have No Doubt...

 On March 08, 2013... my hair was damaged by a bad perm... I had finally gotten it long enough to reach the scar from my first surgery... on my back, where I had surgery on my lung.  In the past, I had been diagnosed with cancer... my hair was long, curly... I lost it all from the medicines in my chemotherapy regimen.  The following year, the same thing happened again... I wasn't in remission long, had another surgery on my other lung, lost my hair once more.  My goal was to grow my hair back to the long length it was when I got the first surgery... now, this happened.


I Have No Doubt This Time...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Easter is this weekend... this Sunday.  I can't believe it's already here.  I'm not prepared for it... I wonder if I will just ignore it being Easter this weekend?

I do think like this since Tommy died.  Skip usually decides what to do special when the holidays come now.  I don't let myself think about them... unless I see that Skip wants them to be special.  Only then... will I allow myself to be happy, excited...

Skip mentioned Easter today, he wants us to bake a big roast this weekend.  That's probably what we will do.  I will think of special things to make it a nice meal.

We have our Pups to share Easter with.  They love to taste good foods just like we do.  :)))

I was thinking about my hair... on the 8th of this month, I let a woman put a perm in it... it damaged my hair.  She sprayed it several times with a perm solution... each time made me sit under the dryer for 25 minutes each time.

She told me she was going to give me a beautiful perm.  It didn't happen.  Now, I'm left with damaged hair that I'm conditioning, and caring for.

What's sad is that these past years I've been trying to grow it to reach the scar on my back... where I had my first surgery on my lung.  Finally... my hair touches it... I was so happy.

I lost all my hair because of medicines in my chemotherapy treatments... not once, but... in two years' time... I lost it twice.  I went through surgeries, and then ...chemotherapy each time.

My hair was long when it first happened.  I wanted my hair to reach that length again... it has.  Now... it's been damaged... and I'm left trying to figure out what to do to it.

These are two things that have been on my mind today... Easter, and my damaged hair.... and the words I keep hearing in my mind... "I'm going to make your hair beautiful."  It didn't happen...

The good thing is that no matter what... everything is going to be alright.  I always seem to find a way to get past something... and all is better than I could have predicted.  I have no doubt this time...

Monday, March 25, 2013

What Are You Afraid Of?

The last photo taken of Tommy only a short time that fateful evening he died on May 29, 2010.  He collapsed on the sand... he made it time to play with his little three year old son.  My son ... died .....

What Are You Afraid Of?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I read those words a short while ago... and the first thought that entered my mind was... I 'used to be afraid of something happening to my child.  Every parent is afraid of being told something has happened to their child... or... that their child is dead.

Something did happen to my child on May 29, 2010.  He died... 2 blockages in his heart.  He collapsed at Myrtle Beach ...

He collapsed by the ocean waves as they washed ashore, while the beautiful sea gulls flew above him, while the wind blew gently over his body... while his little son played nearby... not understanding that his daddy had died.  All he knew was that his daddy was running, playing with him... then... he was laying on the sand.

It changed my whole life... I don't have a child anymore, I became a 'motherless' ... mother.  I no longer know what I'm supposed to be.  I know that when a woman loses her husband... she becomes a 'widow'.

What am I now?  What do you call a mother whose child ... has died?  I have thought, and thought... is it something I've heard before, and just can't remember?  If so, I hope someone can tell me.

That was my worst fear to come true... to be told my child was dead.  I learned it in the most unusual way... and I was 200 miles away... I was the first family member to know.

It began the moment the house phone rang... how I hate our house phone... no one will ever know the war that has been inside me, regarding the house phone.  I hate it, and I've damned that phone a 'million' times since May 29, 2010.  Damn that damn phone...

I don't even bother to answer it... it's my revenge for being the instrument that delivered the devastating news to me.  "Ma'am, I have a man lying here on the sand, he isn't breathing".  Our two Pups howl everytime that ... ... ... ... phone rings.  My cousin in Oregon, has named our house phone ... The Howl-O-Phone.

The stranger pressed the key on the cellphone to redial the last number dialed on Tommy's phone.  The number was 'me'... Tommy had called me just a short time, saying they were safely at their destination at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

It was Memorial Day weekend... do you know how relieved I was as a mother... to know my child, his family had made it safely to their vacation spot on a weekend everyone travels, a weekend known for wrecks, known for some people never coming home again?  I breathed a deep sigh of relief...

All that traffic... all those people going to the same place... all those people drinking, drugging, driving... excited about being on vacation, thinking about what fun they were going to have... my son, and his family made it safely to the beach.   I remember being so ... thankful, happy they were finally there.

I smiled while Tommy was telling me they were almost there... it was just what I was waiting for.  I worried about them in the holiday traffic.  He said he would call me back in a little while.  I was excited for him... he was going to play for the first time with his little son at the beach.  He was excited...

So, when that 'damn' phone rang... my mind couldn't comprehend 'who' the voice was that came from it... from Tommy's cellphone.  I remember holding the phone out to see if I'd seen right... yes, it was Tommy's cellphone, 'it was suppose to be Tommy's voice'...

But, a strange voice was talking to me, and what that voice said to me... was the worse fear ever coming true in my life.  I had just talked to Tommy... I could hear a smile in his voice... I know he heard the smile in mine.

I'm so glad he called me, I'm so glad he said, "I love you, Mama".  I'm so glad I got to say, "I love you, Son".

Here I sit... this moment thinking... I just can't believe Tommy is gone.  I can't believe he's not here.  I sit here thinking ... Easter holiday is already here... again.

Soon, Mother's Day will be here once again... the month of May... is almost here again.  The month of May when so many 'bad' things have happened..

The man stepped in front of Tommy's big truck in May, he was killed.  My precious brother, Rick-Rick, died in May.  My son died in May one year exactly .... after the man that stepped in front of his big truck, died.

I'm still living 'my worst fear'... I will be alright now... but, it's still in my mind.  I still live what I was ... most afraid of...

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Felt Like Something Hit Me In The Stomach...

Our 'Perfect Mixture' Pup... Sweet Chadwick/aka Kangaroo Jack

  Felt Like Someone Hit Me In The Stomach...
  By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Today we went to BoJangle's to eat lunch.  We went out in the wind, cold rain... drove to BoJangle's.  We were looking forward to sitting by the window to watch the rain... to feel cozy.

We went inside the restaurant, the aroma of fried chicken, biscuits smelled so good.  It was cozy inside, the atmosphere just right to have a nice lunch.

We ordered our chicken dinners, and BoJangle's famous ice tea.  Skip ordered mashed potatoes, gravy with his chicken.  I ordered fries with my chicken... I love the seasoning that is on the fries.

We sat down at a booth, began eating when... my desire for fried chicken went completely away.  My stomach tightened up... I couldn't eat anymore.

Skip asked me what was wrong.  I told him that just like yesterday when we went to a nice restaurant to eat... something else has just happened to make me feel I can't eat.

At the restaurant yesterday, a woman had gotten sick in front of the salad bar... it felt like something hit me in the stomach... I felt sick.  The woman vomited over a large area.

I could go on a real diet if such things happened regularly.... then, I thought about someone was really sick to have done that, was probably so embarrassed.  I thought then, that 'if it were me'... it would have been so awful to be so sick.

At this same restaurant, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, and the sight that greeted me... was awful.  There was feces on the commode, on the floor all the way out the door that was opened to the stall.

Today, here at BoJangle's, I told Skip to turn around, look outside.  There was a beautiful ... 'real' chicken running around outside.  I couldn't believe it.   Skip said he didn't like to see the chicken running around... because we were sitting in there, 'eating its friend'!

That was it, no more chicken for me.  A little girl close to where we sat, spotted the chicken.  She began yelling about the chicken being outside.

I never did see where that chicken went to.  While I sat there looking at it, I imagined a golden circle of protection around it, and said a prayer that it would be safe.

We couldn't imagine where a chicken would come from.  I worried for its safety.  I wanted to catch it, protect it.  I didn't because I couldn't protect it.

When we left there, just a short ways down the street, we saw a lone dog standing in a tire shop parking lot.  Standing in the rain.  My heart went out to it... it looked well-fed, cared for... but, 'why' would someone let their dog run free where heavy traffic is?  We couldn't bear for our Pups to run free, not be protected by their fenced-in yard.

I imagined a golden circle of protection around it, and like I always do... I said a little prayer for it to be safe.

When I see animals in dangerous situations such as the chicken at BoJangle's parking lot... and the dog... I feel such pain inside.  Both were walking where cars were too close to them.  Both were as innocent as children, not knowing the dangers around them.

This is an example of how things around me... affect me.  I hurt inside because of things I see... I can't do anything about.  It's sad because I find in life, there are times I have to turn my head... bear my pain at things I can't change.

I used to think I really could 'save the whole world'... remember thinking that way when we were young, strong... there wasn't anything we couldn't do!  As time went by... life happened... I realized 'the world is bigger than I am'.

In one way it was fun to see that beautiful chicken at BoJangle's walking around... down deep inside... I was afraid for what would happen to it... the same with the precious dog.

In my mind, I imagined the golden circles around them, protecting them everywhere they went until they got to safety... until they got home where they belonged.

Silly?  That's okay... I can be.  :)))  My heart hurts easily for innocent, helpless beings that I can't protect.  These are my thoughts tonight...

I also, still feel that sensation like someone hit me in the stomach ....

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Happy Day... Haircut, And Waxed Eyebrows... Beautiful!

Happy Day...  Haircut, And Waxed Eyebrows... Beautiful!
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Skip and I had a fun day.  We ate breakfast out this morning on our way to several stores to shop.  We bought some clothes, I did... too!

The reason I said 'I did, too'!  is because I normally neglect buying clothes for myself... to buy art supplies.  I love to buy colors... paints, markers, so forth.

Skip was happy seeing me get nice clothes instead, today.  :)))  I have to say I am glad I stayed away from A.C. Moore.  I have clothes to show for my shopping trip, today!  Now, instead of happy-colored paints, markers... in my closet are happy-colored blouses, slacks.  :)))

Skip stopped at the shop he gets his hair cut, which is conveniently beside the shop I go to get my eyebrows, so on... done.  Today was the day, I got my eyebrows done.

I laid on the 'bed' listening to soft music while the girl put hot wax on my eyebrows... and as the soft music played... I felt great pain as she placed strips on the hot wax... then abruptly pulled them off!  Wow!  Soft music, and great pain!

I was very happy with the results... she did my brows 'just right'.  I've been admiring them all evening!  Oh... Skip looked mighty handsome when the lady finished with him.  We were made 'beautiful'!  :)))

All in all... we had a happy day.  Any day with Skip is a happy day!  Oh... I sure love my eyebrows... they are 'beautiful'!  :)))  Skip is 'beautiful', also!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I'm Just An Old, Little Girl Who Had Some Fun!

This 'Old, Little Girl'... Granny Gee!  I Just Want To Have Fun!

I'm Just An Old, Little Girl Who Had Some Fun!...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

Today, I decided to take a bubble bath... with lots of bubbles!  Millions of bubbles!

The tub was sparkling white; underneath the water flowing out of the faucet was a mound of bubble bath powder..... purple bubble bath powder.

Bubbles were beginning to form... I wanted more bubbles!  I wanted to hide in mounds of bubbles, peep out over the top of them, blow them with my breath!

I didn't have enough bubbles!  I needed more!  I didn't have anymore bubble bath powder.... my eyes spotted something sitting on the tub.  Oh yes!  I needed that!

I reached for the big bottle of Caress Body Wash... it was half full.  I was sure I would get a lot of bubbles from that!

I began squeezing all the thick,pink, nice-smelling body wash under the very warm water... the bubbles began coming... millions of them!

Bubbles!  Bubbles!  Bubbles!  Oh, so many wonderful bubbles!  What a wonderful, delicious scent in the air!

I jumped into the tub, well... not really jumped (remember, I'm 'old' :)))!!!  I was just thinking... am I too old to enjoy my bubbles?  Just because I'm 'older'... doesn't mean my life is over.... I'm just a 'old, little girl'!

I laid in the tub with the bubbles hiding me... if one looked into my bathroom... all they would have seen is a white tub of bubbles.

As the bubbles foamed all around me, I blew to my heart's content... millions of bubbles, trying to make a... bubble mountain!  That may have looked strange if someone was looking in... bubbles forming a big, fluffy mountain as they grew higher, and higher.  Sometimes, it would look like 'puffs' of white clouds as they flew by in the air!

When it came time to come back to reality... I realized I had a lot of bubbles to wash out of the tub.  Not only that, I was very soapy!  So, I turned the shower on... took a wonderful, refreshing shower.  When I finished, I turned the warm water to cold water.... let the shower finish washing the bubbles down the drain.

All the while as I dressed... I kept thinking 'this old, little girl had fun'!!!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A Grieving Mother Will Always Grieve Until Her Dying Day... Until Her Last Breath Is Taken

Tommy and Taban at a lake on May 29, 2009...
Tommy and Taban played for last time at ocean on May 29, 2010... Tommy died there

A Grieving Mother Will Always Grieve Until Her Dying Day... Until Her Last Breath Is Taken
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

March 01, 2013... is the publication date of ... 'I CRY FOR TOMMY'.  After that... my book... was written, finished.  All of a sudden... after so long... there wasn't anything to do.....

I didn't know what to do, how to feel after going through the happy period of getting the 'Congratulations!  Your book has been published!'  I felt lost, I was very emotional.  I cried a lot, happy that it was done... sad... because 'what was I going to do now'?

I had worked so hard at trying to correct the issues found in it.... I know there are still several mistakes in my book.  Guess what?  I 'let go' of it, I can move forward. That's why I told everyone that I'm not perfect.  I tried to catch them all... only to find more, until I thought I'd gotten all.

On March 12, 2013... I took the Lexiscan Nuclear Stress Test... afterwards, I began hurting in my chest, head, stomach.  I called my doctor's office.  It didn't seem the test would cause that..

On March 25, 2013... I was in the Emergency Room for hours, so sick, my chest, head, stomach still hurting.  I became short of breath.  It was determined I had fluid in my lungs.  I was given a medicine for fluid retention..

I took the medicine all weekend.  I still hurt in my chest, head, stomach.  I didn't feel well at all, I felt light-headed.  I slept a lot... I never sleep in the daytime unless, I'm very sick.

I found out that the fluid medication only removed fluid from the body... not the lungs.  I quit taking it.  I was having leg cramps because of it... no matter that I added the banana to my daily diet as instructed.

I began to get better by Monday evening... much better on Tuesday evening (a week later).  Today is Wednesday, I'm back to being 'myself'.  I cancelled my appointment with my cardiologist for tomorrow morning.

I know I had a bad reaction to the Lexiscan test, and I feel after doing a lot of thinking that when I finished my book about Tommy... being very emotional because 'that was it'... all contributed to how sick I became.

I was grieving for Tommy... for my book being finished.  I learned something... I thought when I finished my book... I wouldn't grieve like that again.  Like magically ... all was going to be just fine.  I learned... that's not so.

I'm going to always grieve for Tommy, he was my child, and I loved him with my heart.  My pain will always make me remember Tommy.

I am so glad to feel good again... it feels good to feel good!  :)))  I'll still grieve, I'll still write about Tommy... 'why would I stop now'?  It was the very reason my blog was born.... to remember Tommy.  I will always remember Tommy... until the last minute, second of my life.

So... if you see that I grieve, understand that a grieving mother will always grieve until her dying day, until her last breath is taken.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

He Does Understand... We Are Going To Have Differences

Artwork By Gloria Faye Brown Bates (this survived a house fire in file cabinet)

He Does Understand... We Are Going To Have Our Differences
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I tried something I've never tried in my life.  Today, I felt well enough to go to the supermarket.  In fact, in the past couple of days I've tried food I've never eaten before in my life.

I was buying bags of frozen vegetables to put in the freezer.  I bought several bags of something I'd never eaten before.  I will surely buy more now.

I tried Edamame, a variety of soy beans... I bought the steamable frozen pods with sea salt.  I put them in the microwave for about 4-5 minutes, took them out, let them cool a bit.

I began taking the peas from the pod to eat.  Oh my, what a tasty snack!  I love the taste, I don't know how to describe it, I've never tasted anything like them before.  I read that they have a lot of good protein, and people eat them for a snack when dieting.

Tonight, I did something I'd never done in my life.  I bought two bulbs of garlic at the supermarket.  They always look so fresh, pretty in their little packages.  I felt I wanted a box of them.

Tonight, I held each bulb in my hand, sliced off the 'top'... then took the 'paper' skin off.  I put each of the two garlic bulbs into a piece of tin foil... drizzled olive oil on them, sprinkled a little salt, pepper over them.  (Note:  I need to get Kosher salt  :)))

I baked them in the oven at 400 degrees, then... took the cloves from each bulb... pressed each clove with a fork to get the creamy, roasted garlic out.  (Note:  I need to buy a garlic press  :)))

I spread the creamy garlic on a piece of toast, drizzled a tiny bit more of olive oil on it, sprinkled a tiny amount of salt, pepper over it.  I began to eat it... I really loved it!  This would be wonderful with spaghetti!  (I know... you all already probably been eating garlic like this ... I never buy garlic, Skip doesn't like it.  Sometimes, I do use garlic salt on a steak :)))

Now... how to get the garlic scent gone!  I'm sure I will have garlic breath tomorrow!  Does anyone know how to make the garlic smell go away?

I saw how to prepare the garlic on a video, it looked so good... I had to try it.  I love things I haven't ever tried before.  If anyone has any good tips about the Edamame pods, or garlic.... let me know!

I know that Edamame peas can be made into 'hummus' ... instead of using chickpeas, one can make hummus with Edamame peas, using cilantro, and such.  I love hummus.

Skip doesn't like 'everything' I like... especially garlic!!!  But, he understands that we 'are going to have our differences'!  :)))

Monday, March 18, 2013

I Don't Know What's Going On With Me...

I Don't Know What's Going On With Me...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I haven't been up to par for a week now.  I'm not sure what's going on.

My symptoms have been a constant pain at one intensity (one 'speed')... plus, a headache.  I've just not felt well at all.  It all began after I had the Lexiscan Nuclear Stress test on last Tuesday morning.

On Friday evening, I went to the hospital, and the doctor said there was fluid in my lungs.  He gave me a fluid medicine prescription to get filled.

I have taken it over the weekend, I thought for a short time I was going to be all right.  I think it was because I wanted to feel better so, Skip wouldn't worry.

The fluid tablets have made me have cramps, though I have  added bananas to my diet.  Come to find out... when my cardiologist got my message this morning to tell them about being in the ER, and the medicine I was given... I shouldn't even be taking it.  It doesn't remove fluid from the lungs.

Also, I should have felt better before now.  I don't know what's going on with me... yet.  :)))

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Emergency Room, I Was Very Ill... Linda, Ms Nancy, JoAnn

Emergency Room, I Was Very Ill...  Linda, Ms Nancy, JoAnn
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I wanted to tell everyone that I'll be writing like I was in the next several days.  I have been very sick with chest pain, and not feeling well at all.  I 'knew' deep down something 'bad' was wrong.

Yesterday evening, my condition worsened, and just talking and moving slightly, I became short of breath.  My cousin, Linda, in Oregon called me out of the blue... as she talked to me, she knew I was very ill.  Before, when Skip talked to me on the phone, he knew I was very sick, too.

Skip wasn't home yet, she knew I was alone.  She began to tell me this..... 'I'm going to get off the phone now, so, you can go on to the hospital'.  She kept repeating that to me.  She was echoing the sentiments of all of you, and my friends on Facebook, and both blogs... somehow, her words moved me out of the house to get in my truck, drive to the hospital.

Just the walk into the Emergency Room winded me... I felt I couldn't breathe good.  I was taken straight back, put on oxygen, and they began the EKG, x-ray, and bloodwork.  My lungs were filling up with fluid...

They moved me across from the nurses/doctor station to have me close to them.  They left the curtain opened alittle, I could see outside my room.  I was so surprised when....

I saw a woman step into view, the back of her curly hair looked familiar!  I spoke, said 'Ms Nancy!'  She turned to look at me, her mouth fell open, when she saw me laying there.  She was there with her daughter, JoAnn, who wasn't feeling well.  She began spending her time between JoAnn, and me... and bringing me messages from JoAnn.  :)))

Skip called, he said he'd been trying to call Ms Nancy, couldn't get her.  He couldn't believe 'Ms Nancy was already there!'  He asked how did she know so fast!  I told him she was there with JoAnn, she wasn't feeling well, either.  Skip was so surprised, but, so glad.  He talked to Ms Nancy on the phone.  How strange was that...  Ms Nancy, and JoAnn were already there!

She said she was so surprised to see 'me' laying there, when just before I was moved into the room... a man had been in that bed.  So, when she heard my voice, saw me laying there... imagine her surprise!  Imagine my surprise!  Imagine Skip's surprise, being hundreds of miles from home, knowing I'm alone, and have no one here... that the one person he knew would be there for me here... was already there!  He knew Linda would, but... she is in Oregon!

Eventually, both Ms Nancy and JoAnn were with me in my room.  I didn't feel so alone anymore.  They made all so much better for me, it just meant the world to me.  I laid there thinking of all of you on my blogs, Facebook ... you kept commenting to go to the hospital, get checked out.  I didn't feel well enough to go, when Linda called ... somehow, her words spurred me into action.

I didn't feel well at all as I walked outside to get in my truck.  My chest was 'heavy', I was breathless, my chest hurt, my head was hurting.  I was feeling more 'congestion' in my lungs... fluid in my lungs.  I made it to the hospital.  Thank all of you for caring, and Linda Lou... thank-you for calling 'out of the blue', saying what you did.  It was meant to be.

It's just strange, the things you said, how you picked up on how sick I was... and echoing some of what Skip had said earlier on the phone... everything connected, and made me act.  I think I was going to lay back down... I 'see' I could have gotten to a point where I might not have been able to act on my own, during the night.

Yesterday, I kept thinking about death again, the more my chest hurt, my head hurt... I thought about it.  I thought about Tommy dying, and how I missed him so much.  I was thinking that I was feeling my grief so much more.  I was thinking also, that I might not 'get to write all I wanted to write'..... like 'I might not have time'...  Isn't that strange?

I had called the nurse at my cardiologist.  My Lexiscan Nuclear Stress test was okay.  She told me maybe I had pulled a muscle, I told her I knew I hadn't pulled a muscle.  She said to go on to the hospital if I needed to ... and call her by Monday.

I know that sometimes, we 'know deep inside' when something's not right.  I 'knew' something wasn't right with me.  I'd begun to sleep on pillows high enough for me 'not to dare lay flat', the thoughts of death stayed on my mind.  I began to have 'congestion, wheezing'... sometimes, allergies can mimic the same symptoms.  When I got to the hospital, I began to cough.

I should have known the symptoms.... that's what happened when I went into congestive heart failure some years ago.  I almost died, and became conscious just before being placed on the ventilator.  I'll never forget the doctor's face... it was like sunshine reflecting in my face... I began smiling, and I never did stop smiling that whole night.

I know I 'lit up the darkness around me with my bright smile'.  I know I must have been like a lightening bug!  I glowed in the dark!  :)))  I felt this kind of smile last night.... because I may have not been here this morning to tell you these things.  :)))

Truthfully, I think sometimes... it's hard to acknowledge when I'm so sick... I didn't want to end up in the hospital again.  I didn't want to leave our Pups with Skip away.  I didn't want... to be sick.  Something told me yesterday evening when I had these thoughts...  you might not get the chance to decide any of this if you don't act.  What then?

I know I would have 'died'...  I must have some purpose in this life... there's been a lot of times... like this... only I was right at death's door. I was just walking toward that door last night, but... not to the point like all the other times in my life.   I wonder what my purpose is?

I wonder 'why' Tommy died?  Yes, I know... none of us know 'why'.  I still wonder, it still hurts me deeply... especially at this time.  I wonder if his chest hurt, his head hurt, I wonder... I wonder... I wonder.

I am going to rest now, I still feel headachy, not quite the best yet.  I'm so thankful to be here, to be alive.  Even not feeling well, I am smiling... :)))  I still have a lot to say, write in my life.  I look so forward!  :)))

Linda, Ms Nancy, JoAnn... you all made the difference in my life yesterday evening, last night.  Thank-you.  I love you all.  Not only that, Skip is thankful also, you all 'were there' for me.  I had no one else.

When I went to the Emergency Room... all of a sudden... I was like that commercial on tv.... 'I had people'.  :)))  I went in alone... but, I wasn't alone.  Everyone cared for me.  I was treated well by the hospital staff... they 'saved me' once again, there.  :)))

I'm so glad 'today is here, and it's now'.... :)))  I'll be writing more, soon!

Friday, March 15, 2013

I Wonder If Chest Pain Could Be Grief?...

I Wonder If Chest Pain Could Be Grief?...

By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I'm feeling much better this morning.  I hope that pain doesn't come back.  I keep feeling sort of anxious... like 'is it going to come back?'

I appreciate everyone letting me know they cared.  I had a Lexiscan Nuclear Stress test several days ago.  I thought maybe the pain in my chest could have been something that commonly happened after the test.

I called my cardiologist, and found out that it isn't something that happens after the test.  So, I'm not sure if stress, or what... caused that pain.

One never knows 'if it's the real thing'... so, I monitored myself constantly.  I know that I couldn't sit still long enough at my computer to write.  Finally, I laid down... and slept many hours... I feel better this morning.

Maybe, I was worrying much more than I realized ... about the results from that test.  My son, Tommy, died with two heart blockages... he never had opportunity to get that test.  I was afraid I was going to have blockages, since I was older.  Tommy was only 40 years old.

I wonder if all of this had something to do with my chest pain?  I may have not realized it.  Tommy is always in the back of my mind, so... it's very possible.

I have written my book about grieving for Tommy.  I think I may have thought that 'magically'... I wouldn't cry again, or feel sad again... 'because it's all in my book'.  Not true.

I'm finding that out.  I still feel that pain, I still want to cry.  My chest pain may stem from this.  I told Skip that I'm older... and my test showed that I don't have a blockage.... yet, Tommy was only 40 years old... he died with two blockages.  I just don't understand... it does make me cry.

The normal percentage was 50%-70% from the test.... mine was 58% heart function.  This is supposed to be good, I'm so glad.  I'll take all I can get.  :)))  I'm so ... thankful.  I could have 'not' been here to 'have this'... so, you won't hear me complain.

It's my trade-off to live... one of the drugs in my chemotherapy treatments, damaged my heart.  Adriamycin... but, that's okay with me... I'm here, I'm grateful.  One never understands any of this... unless you've been through similar.

Thank all you for your comments, caring.  It means the world to me.  So far... this morning, this moment... my chest doesn't hurt.  I look forward to writing again... I can concentrate like this.  :)))  Love, Granny Gee/Gloria :)))  I wonder if my chest pain could be just pure grief?

Thursday, March 14, 2013

I Wanted To Let Everyone Know... Chest Pain

I Wanted To Let Everyone Know...  Chest Pain
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

For the past several days, I haven't felt the best.  I've had a lot of chest pain.  So much, that when I sat at my computer, I haven't felt like writing as much.

I'm feeling better now.  At first, I wondered if the pain would have been a side effect of the Lexiscan Nuclear test I took several days ago... I understand now, that it isn't.  I don't know what's causing it.

I know that I live with pain everyday of my life... this pain is just a little 'too much more' for me to bear... it makes me cry sometimes.  So, it makes it hard for me to concentrate, be still.

I'll be writing a lot very soon.  I wanted to let everyone know.  Love, Gloria/aka Granny Gee

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Yellow Panties... and Buttercups! Does 'Yourself' Make Jokes For You To Laugh At?

Artwork/Suncatcher by Gloria Faye Brown Bates

Yellow Panties... and Buttercups! Does 'Yourself' Make Jokes For You To Laugh At?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I was thinking today about some funny stuff... I can't help it. Sometimes, I think about silly, funny things... too! I'm just like you...
I was thinking about panties... we all wear them. Well, I know men don't, for sure! Well, maybe sometimes, they do... it doesn't matter 'who' wears them ....
You know colors are a big part of my life... and buying colored undies are no exception. I love colors!
Well, sometimes... there is a 'voice' inside my mind that 'wants to make jokes... funny jokes'.
For instance... my package of colored undies has a pair of yellow panties, along with fuschia, pink, blue, designs. Those yellow panties kept standing out to me... they were the last ones I decided to wear.
Why? I enjoyed looking at the color of them... so happy, so bright... so 'sunshiney!'
They are the color of buttercups... a happy flower that is popping up everywhere to remind us that Spring is almost here! Yellow is ...'happy'!
Well, today I gathered my things for my shower... the yellow undies were one of the things I gathered. Once I took them to my bathroom, laid them down to put on, along with my other things... this 'voice' in my mind began to say funny things, such as:
'Uh uh! Going to be sunshine in a place the sun never shines!' They are going to 'light up the world'... Just silly things! I began to wonder ... 'if anyone else ever experiences something like this'? Does 'yourself' make jokes for you to laugh at?
Don't think dirty thoughts... there weren't any in my mind. This was some silly, little 'funny' thing that made me laugh today. I wondered who else hears 'themselves, a voice making funny jokes'?

 I do like my yellow panties though, they are as pretty as buttercups! I just don't want mine to 'show up' to remind anyone that 'Granny Gee' is near! :)))  Do you know, 'real life' is like this....

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Victoria Fairchild and Lind Lou Livingston...

Victoria Fairchild and Lind Lou Livingston... Book Two:

The Saga Of Victoria Fairchild... (being written at present....:)))

This is Victoria Fairchild... and her first cousin, Lind Lou Livingston... who has just come into the story.

Lind Lou is spicing things up... life is just about to get very exciting around Victoria's house.

Victoria Fairchild... Victoria loves the homeless people, and animals. Woe be unto the one she sees/hears mistreating, abusing either. Victoria believes in an eye for an eye... a nose for a nose. Victoria will go as far as she needs to ... to protect the innocent, the helpless... sometimes, she'll go as far as...

Lind Lou Livingston... Lind Lou is a barber/beautician. She loves to cut hair... she loves the color 'red'. Sometimes, Lind Lou 'accidently' cuts, nicks an ear, chin... Lind Lou never waste anything, not even the hair she cuts...

Lind Lou is also, an artist. She loves to paint the unusual, she uses the unusual to paint with. Her paintings look 'alive'... sometimes, when looking at one of her paintings, one almost expects it to 'cry out for help'.

When Victoria Fairchild, and her cousin... Lind Lou Livingston, walk into a room... all eyes are on them. Both are as beautiful as the other, they are as different as night and day. Both can ... charm the birds out of a tree.

Lind Lou is 'dark'... she loves to paint evil, loves to paint pain, suffering. The music she loves to hear while she paints... is live 'music', the cries of someone who is helpless in front of her... who 'poses' for her paintings. Lind Lou is 'dark' as the night she loves to be out in, dark as the shadows she stands in... watching, waiting...

Victoria Fairchild is as good as good can be. She doesn't like to hurt anyone unless... she catches them abusing a helpless person, animal. Especially if the one she catches ... is a woman. Victoria doesn't like women, especially big, blonde-headed women. She was abused as a child by ... women. No, a woman doesn't want to meet up with... Victoria Fairchild, if they are abusing a child, person... animal.

Victoria Fairchild is as good as can be... when she's good, she's good. When Victoria Fairchild is bad... she's very, very ... bad.


I just wanted to share my drawings of Victoria Fairchild, and Lind Lou Livingston.... Book Two: THE SAGA OF VICTORIA FAIRCHILD.

Looks like things are getting ready to happen... :)))

Sunday, March 10, 2013

We All Lived Life... We All Have A Story To Tell

We All Lived Life... We All Have A Story To Tell
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I haven't had a chance to be on the computer very much for the past two days.  I have missed you all!  I'm so glad to be back!  I have a lot to say!  :)))

Skip and I have had a lot to do, plus several appointments.  I'm glad to say no more appointments until Tuesday.  You know how it is when it seems you are in a whirlwind, want to just be home to rest.

I carried a copy of my book, 'I Cry For Tommy', with me everywhere we went.  Lots of people have handled it... I saw a lot of smiles when they did... I loved it.

The first thing most people said was, 'that's a book!'  When they held it, I told them that it weighs 2.7 lbs, and is 738 pages long.  I watched as each person grinned, liking that.

Remember, I told you about 'my two friends' who acted as if I had 'gone over the edge', made me feel bad by their reactions to my first book?  Not one person has done that with my 2nd book, 'I CRY FOR TOMMY'.

I've seen reactions that touched my heart.  Tears come into people's eyes, it touched my heart.  I watched so, I could know what anyone felt when seeing my book.  It means so much to me.

I watched as some people would hold my book in both hands, move their hands up, down... like weighing it!  They loved the weight of my book!

I watched as eyes looked at Tommy, and his newborn son... on the cover of my book... I saw a softness come into people's eyes.  Not only that, I would see a soft smile appear.

My heart smiled each time, because I 'felt' they 'felt' the love in Tommy's expression as he looked down at his newborn son.  They saw, they felt what I do each time I look at the picture on the cover.

Tommy was most proud to be father of a little baby boy.  I think that is the ultimate in a man's life... to have a little son ... that wants to be 'like him'.  Remember the 'Buckaroo' song... 'I want to be just like you'?  I can't let my mind think more than that... you wouldn't believe just how painful it is... I am amazed at the pain, myself.

This one book has been handled many times, and now... my book looks 'handled, as if it's been read a lot'.  There's even some light grease from a working man's hands.  The cover has a torn place on it... I will put clear tape on it today.

I don't care.  This one book is just for that... I want people to hold it, look at it.  It means a lot to me.  I'm glad for people to hold it in their hands... that's why I carry this book.

No, I wasn't trying to sell my book, can do that.  I wanted to share my book, I wanted to know what people think.  I have very few family members who've shown any interest in it... those who have, I'll never forget.

If I'd had family who cared, lived close by that cared, they would have been the first people for me to share something so happy.  Their reactions since... rather the 'no reactions' since my book was published... I will always remember.

Do you know, when I first opened the box, the book came in.... I shared it with Skip over the phone.  Once I hung the phone up... I stood there... it hit me... there's no one to share my published book with me.

I don't have anyone to run to, to share my accomplishment.  No one to run to, to place it in their hands and say to them, "Look what I have done!"

Maybe this is a sad thing, it really wasn't though... I took my beautiful book with the cover of Tommy, and my grandson on the front of it (that picture is so special, I sit and stare at it a lot)... I got in my truck (I call my Expedition, an older model)... and went to ..Walmart.

Yes, I went to Walmart where we do have several friends that always greet us, ask us how are we doing, always has a smile for us.  I went there, and shared my book with them.  I only took a few minutes from each one, they were working.

I shared my published book with Mary Ellen, Toode, Robert, and Elaine... and Angela.  Their eyes reflected happiness for me... do you know, for some reason... I really needed that.  Skip wasn't here to share with me... but, he did by phone.

There was a young woman, and her daughter standing close by, and I let her hold my book.  When she asked me questions I told her about Tommy.

She took her cellphone out, scrolled through to find several photos she wanted to show me... of her husband.  Guess what?

Her husband could have been Tommy's brother... he looked so much like my own son.  Isn't that strange?  I was glad that he was living... I know my heart would have broken to find out that he wasn't.  I'm so glad her husband is living.  :)))

So, instead of any 'family' close by... I shared my book with people who are our friends at Walmart.  I think they may have understood... outside of Skip, I have no one.

This is not something I let upset me... it does make me sad... this is something I have lived with for so long.  I can't find the connection that is everlasting with anyone in my 'family'... it isn't there.  It never was there, so... even I know if it never was... why would it be now?

We weren't brought up to be 'family'... so, the bond between 'family' isn't there.  How does one act 'like family'... when they've never been taught 'what family is'?

I have several cousins that live far away, who communicate with me.  They don't realize how much it means to me... though, 'I act like it doesn't'.  Why?  I'm afraid of being hurt.  I do love them.  :)))

I carry enough pain in my heart... I don't think there's room for anymore.  I am glad they are 'there'.  They bring smiles to my face... we came from the same place, the same era... back in 'Grandma Alma and George' days... we all know what we experienced.

We are the older cousins who experienced it first-hand... when I write, I know 'I'm not the only one who hurt, who lived in hell'... I can only write about my experiences though.  I can't write theirs... they are the only ones who felt their own pain.

Look around you, if you know that wonderful bond of being family... know that it's a treasure.  Not everyone has it.  I surely don't... but, I always 'knew deep down' how special it would be... to have it.

See, sometimes when we are used to our 'family', they are always in our life... we take them for granted... they are 'ours', and they are 'forever'.  One might 'not realize' that someone can be taken away... just like that.  Just like Tommy.

They might not realize they should stop, know that... for a moment 'just imagine them gone'... yes, I know it hurts... but, guess what?  Your loved ones are still there, run to hug them, let them know they are special in your life.

You still have the chance to do that.... do it while you can, be happy because... they are still there.  I wish I could do that.  Most all my loved ones are gone now... I no longer have the chance.

I love to watch families when I'm out and about... I think they are beautiful.  I've always been the one 'on the outside looking in'... since a little girl.  I always begin smiling softly when I hear families close by... I just enjoy listening to them.

Family sounds are beautiful.  My 'family' sounds were scary, mean, loud, abusive as a child.  So... I know how to appreciate families that are close-knit, what I call 'real families'.  :)))

My memory of being toughened up had begun before I began to be aware... and as a very small girl, I remember my stepfather ... shooting in the house (our nice home).  I remember being switched until my skin broke open as a small girl... and I would see the bright, red blood on the long streaks on my skin...

I remember being held by my ankles in the air, being spanked as a little girl.  I remember someone I loved dearly, getting the same treatment.  I can't speak for him, I can say he was even younger than I... and we hadn't been in this old world but, a few short years.

I remember other things.  I graduated to Hell... where I learned how belts, belt buckles felt, how a stick of wood felt on my little girl body, how it felt to have 'hands constantly reaching out to hurt me, abuse me' at any time'.

I remember the screaming of big people as they leaned down to me, screaming that I was always in the way, I shouldn't be here for them to have to watch over, that I looked just like my daddy, that I was hated.

I learned that I wasn't wanted... that my mother would leave me, go her way (she was so young, and influenced by the wrong things.. she had no guidance whatsoever... so sad, she was a beautiful young girl).  I became the one ... everyone wanted to strike out at when they were angry.  They stayed angry all the time....

These bigger people were ... always 'women'.  I grew up not letting women run over me... with the attitude that 'I would die, go to hell first'.  As I grew up though, I learned that 'not all women' do that.  :)))  I still 'watch them'.  :)))

I don't feel sorry for myself... you see, with all that has happened in my own life... I had to be toughened up as a little girl... to be 'strong enough' to handle all that has happened in my life.

It's all right, I am 'old enough to see that now'.  Otherwise, I may have made it somehow, in my life... to the day Tommy died... but, that would have been the day 'I would have died'... if I hadn't been made to be so strong.

I think also, Skip made all the difference... to be truthful... he was my strength while I was in the Dark World after Tommy died.  I wasn't strong enough if you want to know the truth... that one time, I really wasn't.

Truthfully... no, I wasn't strong enough anymore, when Tommy died.  Skip is 'why I'm here', now.  Our Pups... they are my whole world.  I'm so thankful for them... I have them.  I treasure them with my very heart.

Skip, our Pups are 'why I'm here today, why I got to write my pain out in my book'.  If I hadn't had them... I would be 'ashes in a container'... in Gloria's Urn.  That's 'why' I am here, now.  Skip, our Pups.

I don't know about other grieving mothers, but, I know about this grieving mother... my life stopped as soon as the realization of my son's death hit me... that was 'The End'.

It took love, caring to 'bring me back'... even when I wasn't knowing it... in the world of a mother's grief, you are only focused on the death of your child (I'm talking about myself).

Many months had gone by 'before'... I could focus in on Skip's words, what they meant.  It goes back to the night when Skip took me to the emergency room when I learned my child had died... I was in shock... I could see lips moving, I could hear them talking... no matter how I tried... I couldn't 'understand what they were saying'.

Shock is terrible... I'm not a stranger to shock.  I've experienced it too many times in my life.  The strange thing is ... when I go into shock... no matter 'how well I thought I knew it'... I'm never prepared for it.  It 'really is like the first time'.... I 'haven't become used to it'.

The good thing is... 'now'.  I made my book into reality... my thoughts, grief... are now, actually a 'real book'... that I can hold in my two hands.  My grief meant something... Tommy meant something.  My book validates his life as a real person... now, he will be remembered.  Not forgotten, but... remembered.

All it will take is for one person to let their eyes rest on Tommy's photo on the cover of my book... and read the words... 'I CRY FOR TOMMY".  Whether they read my book, or not... their minds already see, and know 'that's Tommy'.

I'm so thankful... Tommy won't be forgotten.. he was a real person, a very loved person.  I can have help making sure his memory lives on.  I wish everyone's loved ones, all my loved ones had a book to remember them by... I think we all deserve that... we all have/are real people.  We all lived life.... we all have a story to tell.

Friday, March 8, 2013

UPDATE On Book Two: The Saga of Victoria Fairchild

Update on Book Two:  The Saga of Victoria Fairchild
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

'Photo' of Victoria Fairchild... by Gloria Faye Brown Bates... soon, there will be a 'photo' of Lind Lou Livingston, Victoria's first cousin.

This a little update on 'Book Two' ... The Saga Of Victoria Fairchild.

It seems Victoria's first cousin, Lind Lou Livingston... has come into Victoria Fairchild's life.

Now, Lind Lou is a character that shakes everything up... everywhere she goes.  Victoria doesn't know everything about Lind Lou... only sometimes, when they were younger... Victoria knew 'bad things happened' when Lind Lou was around.

Lind Lou loves to paint, she is a wonderful artist.  Her pictures look 'alive'...  Lind Lou uses lots of interesting things to paint with.  Her favorite color is ... red.  She loves to use all shades of 'red'.  Yes, Lind Lou's pictures 'almost move, speak to one'... almost as if to 'cry out for help'.

Not only is Lind Lou an artist, she is a barber/beautician by trade.  She loves to 'knick, cut' by accident... someone's ear, chin, neck. "Oh, I'm so sorry!"  Lind Lou will quickly say, while smiling her little evil grin... when she smiles, one needs to beware... but, how can they?  They 'don't know an evil grin from a ... friendly, sweet grin'.

Nothing gets wasted when Lind Lou is around, not even the hair she cuts...

Lind Lou is tanned, beautiful, with her long black hair straight as a smooth ribbon.  She has brown eyes, and a smile that lights up the room she walks in ... one senses something very mysterious about her... indeed it is.

Victoria is fair-skinned, beautiful, with her long, curly blonde hair. She is just as beautiful as her first cousin, Lind Lou.  One would remark when seeing them... 'they are just as different as night and day, but... they are 'tit for tat' in their beauty.

If one had to choose which woman was most beautiful... they couldn't.  When both walked into a room, the whole room is mesmerized by such 'double beauty'.

They are first cousins, their mothers were sisters.  Their mothers had unusual talents... they inherited their talents, plus had more.

Victoria helps the homeless people she loves, she is protector of both people, animals.  Victoria will go to any length to protect, sometimes, as good as Victoria is ... there are times Victoria has to be very... very bad.  She doesn't choose to be... but, it happens.

Lind Lou, on the other hand, loves to see people suffer.  She loves to paint them 'at their worst', she loves the color 'red'.  Lind Lou's beauty hides the 'real Lind Lou'.

She talks with a soft, beautiful, seductive voice ... so easy to lure people in.  Think of a black widow spider... beautiful with a red spot, the black widow spider is as lethal, as it is beautiful.

Above is an 'update'... filled with hints, clues of what's happening in Victoria's life.  It's beginning to get ...very interesting.  Victoria doesn't know what to expect, in fact... she didn't know she ... had to expect anything!  She's just glad to see her cousin, Lind Lou.

They haven't seen each other for years, Victoria has surprises coming her way.  It'll be interesting to see ...

Follow my main character, Victoria Fairchild.  My published 'Book One' is a 62 page introductory to her.  Now, it's time to ... shake things up a bit.  If you thought Victoria's life was interesting, mysterious.... 'you aint seen nothing yet!'

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I Might Be Remembered, Too...

Printed Books of my Stories, Doodle 026

Today, I did something for the first time ever, and it felt really ...wonderful. :))) I filed for a copyright, paid my fee... for my new book... 'I CRY FOR TOMMY'.

I just wanted to share that with all of you. I know a lot of you have probably done all these things... I know you must have felt so proud. I was so ... awed. I'm amazed.

I'm so amazed my book, cover turned out 'perfect'. I mean it's not 'perfect for everyone', but, it's 'perfect enough for me'. I carry my book with me everywhere... I carry it in my handbag... I take it out to look at Tommy, and my grandson.

Tears come in my eyes at how far I've come now... I no longer feel that drive pushing me to get my book published. Almost every page has diamond teardrops mixed with the words, both flowed from my mind.

My grief, pain over the loss of my precious son turned into something ... I can hold in my own hands, turned into something positive, something beautiful. It has made me me so happy in the quietest, softest way.

I find myself sitting, smiling... and I know what I am smiling about. 'I did it... I really did it. I have made it possible for Tommy to never be forgotten.' Now, I can rest... this grieving mother has finally found peace 'inside'.

I'm not saying I won't cry, get sad. I'm saying that now, I can live with the knowledge that my son isn't here... I can live with the knowledge that though he isn't in a physical way...he really is here. His memory will live on, even when I'm gone.

I feel that my book can only be a 'good thing' one day for my two grandchildren. They can be proud that Granny Gee loved their daddy, and there's a book about that love. They can actually hold in their hands one day 'that love' and know the love of a mother for her child, their father.

Even if neither of us 'are here'... they can 'feel us'. I keep thinking I would love to do that with someone I never got to know in my family... pick up something, look at it, feel the 'specialness' from it.

I just thought of something... 'I might be remembered, too'. 'Granny Gee might be remembered, also'. :))) Not only that, Skip and our Pups will be remembered. Isn't that amazing? I say 'wow' in the quietest way.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Photos... 'I CRY FOR TOMMY book

Photos...   'I CRY FOR TOMMY'... book
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

These are photos of my new book.  The publication date was March 01, 2013.  The name of it is:  I CRY FOR TOMMY

My book was originally 1,066 pages long.  I shortened it down to 738 pages.  It weighs 2.7 lbs.

I wanted to share these photos with you.  :)))  I keep taking deep breaths, this book has been from such a long, painful journey in my life.  When you read my book, know that you hold so much from my very soul in your hands... so much pain in the shape of a ... book.

I just thought of something... if we could all take things from inside us that we don't want... and turn them into the shape of something to hold in our hands, to put away so we could have peace of mind... wouldn't that be wonderful?  What would be even more wonderful ...would be that we never had to feel that pain anymore.

Then again, if we didn't feel that pain anymore... we'd forget someone we loved very much, who used to be somebody... a son, husband, father, so on.

A person's life is more important than that... we have to keep their memories alive for their children, grandchildren so, they can carry with them through time those memories to 'bring someone special alive' so, future generations can 'see' them.

I feel my book will be special one day to my two grandchildren.  They will be able to hold in their hands 'a part of Granny Gee, their grandmother', and a 'part of their father'.  Isn't that a special thing for a child, grandchild to have.

I would have liked to know two grandfathers I never knew, if I'd had a book with the photo of them on the front, it would have been a treasure to me.  Also, have words on the inside so, I could 'see' them as a person... that would be wonderful.

I am going to bed now.  I am happy tonight, I actually made something come alive, be reality.  I am so happy I wrote my book... it's beautiful to me.  I can find comfort just holding it... it's a part of my son, my only child.  Don't you think he would have been proud?  Goodnight now, I am falling asleep at my computer.  :)))

Oh... the photo on the cover has always touched my very heart... we usually see such special love from a mother to a newborn child... I loved this photo... one that will be so meaningful one day to Tommy's son.  One can see the pure love radiating from Tommy's face to his little newborn son.

I Cry Because It's So Sad...

Tommy and Taban at a lake on May 29, 2009... one year later Tommy and Taban were at the ocean on May 29, 2010... Tommy collapsed, died from 2 blockages in his heart......

I Cry Because It's Just So Sad...
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

This has been an emotional weekend for me.  I've been working on my 'I CRY FOR TOMMY' book for quite some time.  I shortened it down to 1,066 pages... then, to 738 pages.

Since finishing the book, submitting it once again, then getting the email saying 'Congratulations, your book has been published'... I have found myself in tears ... a lot.  This was 'the' one book I wanted published most.

Every word in this book is a part of 'me'. I wrote from my very heart the grief, pain from the depths of my soul.  When someone holds it in their hands, they will hold my grief, my pain ... in the form of a book.

A lot of you may recognize some of my poems, stories.  Do you know the strange thing?  Through time, I have been going through all I wrote, do you know I couldn't remember so much that I wrote?  I know I wrote it, it was all about my son.  The words were from a grieving mother... 'me'.  The words were my words.

I didn't have anyone to talk to, I tried not to burden Skip with all the pain I have carried in my heart.  I would come to my computer, sit, write my pain trying to write it out, I had no other outlet.  I don't talk to people about something so private... though I could write my words here to you.

I didn't want to take medicine to stay drugged so, I wouldn't be able to think.  I did take powerful medicine (I still can't remember the name of it) for a time after Tommy first died... I can't remember 'then', though in a way I can.  Darkness, pain, crying, panic....

Medicine only numbs pain, 'hides' one in it's soft cocoon so, one doesn't have to feel fully the horrible pain of losing a loved one, a child, one's only child.  The end... no child anymore.

The child you wanted to have your personal belongings, your photos, your everything to.  There's no one to 'carry on' for you anymore, to carry your 'family branch'.

There's no one to be there when you become older, need your children to watch out, look over you wherever you are.  No son who loves you, cares for you... now, he's gone forever.

When one stops that powerful medicine... they begin to 'wake up', begin to feel that horrible pain, begin to feel it all the way to their soul, begin the grieving process that was prolonged for so long.

After I read the 'Congratulations' email, I began to feel as if I had come out of a tunnel, out of Hell.  I began taking a lot of deep breaths... God, I could finally take deep breaths again.

Getting my book ready has taken so long... now, I can 'let it go'... I'm so happy that I can let it go.  Such a load has been taken off my shoulders, I know I don't have to worry anymore, Tommy's not going to be forgotten.

I feel every person who has lived, died... should be remembered.  It hurts me thinking about each person I loved, who have died.  They don't have a book to remember them by... eventually, through time so many things will be forgotten, no one will have an idea of the kind of person they were when living.

Don't you think it so sad that to 'go to all that trouble of living', we are forgotten after we die?  We all had, have a purpose to be here.

I had opportunity to talk for a short time with my precious little grandson last night.  His mommy told me something he said... it hurt my heart so much, it makes me cry.  How sad, how so very sad.

He has been very upset because lately, he 'can't see his daddy' in his mind to remember what he looked like, anymore.  I think he cried because he doesn't want to forget anything about his daddy.

I could hear him in the background as we talked.  It touched my heart to hear her tell him, 'that's why we have pictures, so we can look at them, so we will never forget'.  To listen to her tell him in her ' mommy voice', a voice so sweet, so comforting... touched something in me.

Tommy was a presence when he entered a room.  He always made a good impression on people.  He was very polite, kind to people, he went out of his way to help others.  One could always see in his eyes that he was happy to make a good difference.

I understand what my little grandson is worried about... it's keeping his daddy's face, voice, how he moved ... in his mind.  He wants to remember him forever.  Why do we have to forget?  I wonder if it's to ease the pain... would the pain be 'more' if we kept such a clear picture in our mind?

Is that 'why' when I see someone who looks like Tommy, I stop and let my eyes follow them, 'trying to see Tommy' walking, moving, smiling, talking?  I feel pain as I watch for a brief moment 'Tommy'?

At this moment, I sit here at my desk... my head feels achey.  It has hurt a lot lately.  I think I'll be glad when a few more days go by... this has been quite a weekend.  I'm so happy, but... you wouldn't believe it looking at me.  I look so drawn, tired, weary... my eyes are red, sleepy looking.

I'm back now, I just came in from the long journey I have been on.  One of dark roads, paths.  I have traveled in the bowels of pure Hell, while my soul screamed at the pain of losing my son.  My book has made it possible for me to be alright now.  I had somewhere to release the pain from my very soul.

I know I will cry, I know I still feel the pain, grief... but now... I know everything will be alright.  I know I will always feel grief, sadness, pain over the death of my only child.  I can accept now, that he is gone.  I didn't want to ... before.

May 29, 2010... it will be 3 years since Tommy walked into heaven from the sandy shore of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, on a Saturday evening.  He made it in time to play with his little three year old son... it was the first, last time he ever played at the beach with his son.

The last time I saw my son was on the evening of May 28, 2010 ... the last time I saw his smile, heard his voice, saw him walk, eat.  It's so sad ... now, I cry because it's just so sad.  So sad that a wonderful son, person is gone.  I love you, Son.

Friday, March 1, 2013

I CRY FOR TOMMY... My Second Published Book (as of 3-01-2013)

 Cover on my 2nd published book... I CRY FOR TOMMY
Publication Date:  March 01, 2013
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I did it... I finally got my second book published.  'I CRY FOR 'TOMMY'.  March 01, 2013 is this book's publication date.

This is the timeframe showing when my book is available.  It's available immediately on

1)   immediately available
2)   in 5-7 business days
3) Europe...   in 5-7 business days

It has been very emotional for me, I have been on such a long journey... now, I think I may find peace of mind.  I have found 'my way' to never forget Tommy.

I will be able to rest my weary self, knowing Tommy will never be forgotten.  I will know now, one day my grandson and granddaughter will 'get to know me' by reading my words.

They will never doubt their Granny Gee loved, thought about them.  I love, think of them... always.

It's been a long, hard journey...  I feel like I've just emerged into the sunshine... as if I've been in a deep, dark tunnel.  What an emotional morning it's been... I'm so very tired, and happy.

I remembered all my Blogging Friends in my book.  You all mean the world to me.  Love, Gloria/Granny Gee  :)))