Monday, March 25, 2013

What Are You Afraid Of?





The last photo taken of Tommy only a short time that fateful evening he died on May 29, 2010.  He collapsed on the sand... he made it time to play with his little three year old son.  My son ... died .....




What Are You Afraid Of?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee

I read those words a short while ago... and the first thought that entered my mind was... I 'used to be afraid of something happening to my child.  Every parent is afraid of being told something has happened to their child... or... that their child is dead.

Something did happen to my child on May 29, 2010.  He died... 2 blockages in his heart.  He collapsed at Myrtle Beach ...

He collapsed by the ocean waves as they washed ashore, while the beautiful sea gulls flew above him, while the wind blew gently over his body... while his little son played nearby... not understanding that his daddy had died.  All he knew was that his daddy was running, playing with him... then... he was laying on the sand.

It changed my whole life... I don't have a child anymore, I became a 'motherless' ... mother.  I no longer know what I'm supposed to be.  I know that when a woman loses her husband... she becomes a 'widow'.

What am I now?  What do you call a mother whose child ... has died?  I have thought, and thought... is it something I've heard before, and just can't remember?  If so, I hope someone can tell me.

That was my worst fear to come true... to be told my child was dead.  I learned it in the most unusual way... and I was 200 miles away... I was the first family member to know.

It began the moment the house phone rang... how I hate our house phone... no one will ever know the war that has been inside me, regarding the house phone.  I hate it, and I've damned that phone a 'million' times since May 29, 2010.  Damn that damn phone...

I don't even bother to answer it... it's my revenge for being the instrument that delivered the devastating news to me.  "Ma'am, I have a man lying here on the sand, he isn't breathing".  Our two Pups howl everytime that ... ... ... ... phone rings.  My cousin in Oregon, has named our house phone ... The Howl-O-Phone.

The stranger pressed the key on the cellphone to redial the last number dialed on Tommy's phone.  The number was 'me'... Tommy had called me just a short time, saying they were safely at their destination at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.

It was Memorial Day weekend... do you know how relieved I was as a mother... to know my child, his family had made it safely to their vacation spot on a weekend everyone travels, a weekend known for wrecks, known for some people never coming home again?  I breathed a deep sigh of relief...

All that traffic... all those people going to the same place... all those people drinking, drugging, driving... excited about being on vacation, thinking about what fun they were going to have... my son, and his family made it safely to the beach.   I remember being so ... thankful, happy they were finally there.

I smiled while Tommy was telling me they were almost there... it was just what I was waiting for.  I worried about them in the holiday traffic.  He said he would call me back in a little while.  I was excited for him... he was going to play for the first time with his little son at the beach.  He was excited...

So, when that 'damn' phone rang... my mind couldn't comprehend 'who' the voice was that came from it... from Tommy's cellphone.  I remember holding the phone out to see if I'd seen right... yes, it was Tommy's cellphone, 'it was suppose to be Tommy's voice'...

But, a strange voice was talking to me, and what that voice said to me... was the worse fear ever coming true in my life.  I had just talked to Tommy... I could hear a smile in his voice... I know he heard the smile in mine.

I'm so glad he called me, I'm so glad he said, "I love you, Mama".  I'm so glad I got to say, "I love you, Son".

Here I sit... this moment thinking... I just can't believe Tommy is gone.  I can't believe he's not here.  I sit here thinking ... Easter holiday is already here... again.

Soon, Mother's Day will be here once again... the month of May... is almost here again.  The month of May when so many 'bad' things have happened..

The man stepped in front of Tommy's big truck in May, he was killed.  My precious brother, Rick-Rick, died in May.  My son died in May one year exactly .... after the man that stepped in front of his big truck, died.

I'm still living 'my worst fear'... I will be alright now... but, it's still in my mind.  I still live what I was ... most afraid of...


14 comments:

  1. * HI GLORIA :-) XO MAY IS MY DREADED MONTH, AS WELL. MY MOM & DAD... AND MY FIRST HUSBAND, SHAWN, ALL PASSED AWAY IN THE MONTH OF MAY. MY GRANDMA, GRANDPA & JIMS DAD, ALL PASSED AWAY ON MY BIRTHDAY, MARCH 28th. IT IS CRAZY, but i cannot help feeling "RELIEF" after my birthday and the last day of MAY HAVE PASSED. THE INTENSE PAIN "STILL" PIERCES MY HEART. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. I KNOW THAT GOD HAS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING..AND, WHEN I STAND BEFORE THE LORD, IT IS THE QUESTION THAT I WILL RESPECTFULLY ASK. LOVE YOU, GLORIA, PATTY, XO

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    1. Patty, I'm so sorry you know so much grief. You also, have a lot of loved ones who are gone... you know this 'path'. My heart cares. Love, Gloria

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  2. Hi Granny Gee/Gloria,

    After reading it,sad feeling sang into my heart.
    Death is always happened in our surrounding.i am glad that you are optimistic to face it.

    Recalling back,my great grandmother was extremely healthy.My family and I just visited her at noon.However,we received a call from my relatives at night.Just a fall in the bath room took away her life.
    Obviously,my tears couldn't stop.I took a long time to dry my tears.Now,I am glad because I have accepted God decision.I am sure that she will be over the moon in a wonderful world named Paradise.god bless to her.

    Your post let me thought of her.

    Although they were passed away,as long as they are always in our hearts and souls.
    The love is just like the river.Non stop and remain.
    Love is speechless but memorable!

    Love,
    Joann.

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    1. Joann, your words are beautiful...' The love is just like the river.Non stop and remain.' My heart felt your pain over your great grandmother... I care. Love, Gloria

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    2. Hi Gloria,glad to hear from you.
      Thank for your comments.They are just like music.
      Your words are awesome too.

      By the way,allow me to ask you a question.
      Do your books sell in Malaysia?
      Actually,I had visited some bookstores in Malyasia,but I couldn't find it.
      (If you don't mind I ask)

      Lastly,wish you have a nice day and early Happy Mother's Day!May is going to be amazing!Bon voyage and strive!

      Love,Joann.

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    3. Joann, I'm not certain, but... I don't know if my book is available in Malaysia. I know Amazon.com sells it in different countries.

      You might could go to my Amazon.com author page ... it is:
      http://amazon.com/author/gloriafayebrownbates

      Amazon.com sells it exclusively (that doesn't mean I am a great, famous author (I'm an unknown author).. :))) Amazon.com sells it, no one else does. Also, it's on Kindle. I am honored that you looked for it, Joann. That touched my heart.

      Thank you for your wishes. Yes, everything will be alright. :))) Love, Gloria

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    4. Gloria,thanks for your sharing.
      You are not an unknown writer,
      Your followers and I know you too.:)))))
      You are a good writer,
      And I can't forget the first time you comment on my blog,your words mean a lot to me.
      Actually,I was self-abased that my blog has a few of followers.I had thought of closing my blog.After seeing your comments,I gain more confident.i had realized that blogging is such a wonderful things to do.Now,I don't worry about the number of followers,all I need to do is enjoy the feeling of writing.

      You are really wonderful and you are one of the people who I wish to mimic.

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    5. Thanks for ur replying.

      Love,Joann.

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    6. Joann, your followers will come one by one... that's the way they have done with my blog.

      Your words honor me, I'm not sure if I deserve all you said. :))) They made me feel good, Joann, thank you.

      Don't ever give up on your blog... it does take time to build an audience...

      I think you are a very special person, also. Love, Gloria

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    7. Gloria,thank you so much for your encouragements.
      I have learn a lot from you.
      My heart feels comfortable now.
      I love your words.'Don't ever give up on your blog... it does take time to build an audience... '
      Absolutely,you are right.
      It is really my honor to know you.
      Thanks again.Love,Joann.

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  4. You do have people following you. You know I am not only your childhood friend, I am your biggest fan!! May does seem to be a terrbile month for you. I am so sorry you have had to go through so much. Life doesn't seem to be fair to you. I don't think it is fair that anyone loses their only child. I wish there was something I could have done about it but there isn't. I am sure God will tell you why he took Tommy before you. I am hoping He will tell me why he took my nephew so soon too and why my nephew was taken by a drunk driver. We just have to trust God's decisions and keep our faith in Him. It doesn't take the pain away but maybe it will help give us peace of mind so that we can go on living until God calls us home too. I don't have the answer to your question, "what you are now?" I do know you were a very good mother and I know you loved your son with all your heart! You are a grandmother too. A very good one at that. You are a terrific person and I love you Gloria! Love, Ms. Nancy

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    1. To Ms Nancy,
      I can't agree more with you.XD
      Love,Joann.

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