Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Do You See How Life Can Sneak Up On You?
Do You See How Life Can Sneak Up On You?
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
I've been thinking about 'when' one ages. I know that life takes its toll on each of us in different ways. In different ways... just as how the waves erode the sands through time, taking the shore away a little at a time; how the wind blows sand, dust in the desert to shape, mold all in its path, smoothing, wearing down. Just as life comes at us, shaping... molding us through time... until we become... old, sometimes... not so smooth.
I have been studying my photos, and I 'see something that could have happened if I hadn't recognized it'. In fact, it had begun to happen again... because life had caught me off guard with the death of my son.
Not only the death of my son... several times through time, I was caught off guard by the events that happened... time passed before I was 'aware of myself' again. I became lost each time, several years passing 'before' I became aware of all around me once again. Each time, I had to 'begin all over again'.....
In my life, I had several years of suffering from a major illness that would have made some people bedridden 'the rest of their life'... becoming lost in time. I 'see' how people can be beaten by life's experiences until they are too weary to get back up again. There might come a time, when one can see that 'it's either now... or never'... that if, they are going to 'get back up to live'... they'd better do it... now. If one misses that opportunity......
Their bodies, minds weakened... some just stay where they are, where it's safe... they become bedridden. They no longer have to fight... God, how good that feels. You really don't even have to ... think. Just exist, just 'be'.
Loved ones can protect, care for one. They can think for them. All you have to do is to... 'be'. Everyone knows you are ...too sick, to help yourself. It's alright to be bedridden... God knows your body has come through something... you have a legitimate reason to 'lay there'...
That's not to say that happens to everyone... because I know people become bedridden, there's no chance for them to 'come back to themselves'... yet... look at the fighting spirit so many have. I admire them... they don't give up... they might seem to... but, they 'get back up'.
How do I know? I 'recognized' the point it could have happened to me... but, no matter the family I come from, I have something they all have, had.
A 'fighting spirit'... one hell of a fighting spirit that I'm thankful to have had passed onto me. 'Now'... I'm thankful for the harsh lessons they taught me as a little girl... to survive. To be a fighter... I'll fight to the end!
I look back in time, see where I could have stayed there... stayed where life was safer, someone could care for me like a baby, protect me. When I became aware ... I began to fight.
I 'meant to come back', I wanted to live life no matter ...if it hurt me again, and again, and ... again. It did hurt me again... and again... again. I have had to start over... so many times. Why I didn't give up... I can't say... I can just say my fighting spirit pushed me 'up'.
So many times, with pain ripping through my body, tears falling from my eyes, flowing down onto my face, cries and moans coming from my lips... I have made me get stronger. Not only that... Skip was always there, saying things that would 'push me back to being 'me'... again'. He wouldn't let me give up... Skip is my hero.
I look at my photos that go back in time... I can 'see' the points in time, I could have let myself 'become old, and gray'. I can see 'where I caught myself just in the nick of time'... I thank God.
I've missed out on years of my life... didn't know I was in the living world, didn't care. Thank God, somehow I have made it back 'just in the nick of time'... I 'would have disappeared without knowing it, I would have went on to being a person I wouldn't recognize in my mirror'...
That's 'why I look for myself' constantly... why, I try to find 'me', get 'me back'. You, who are younger and are reading this, I promise you... my words will forever stay in your minds. You will come to points in your life as you become older... you are going to say to yourself.. 'oh my, I 'see' what Gloria/Granny Gee meant.
Life will take its toll on you at one time or other... it's going to happen. If you are aware of what to expect... then, that old saying comes in: 'being forewarned is to be ... forearmed'.
I've never read in words how it feels to become older, or anything like I've written here. I've always had to learn the hard way about life... looking for what I could learn from all life has 'thrown at me'. I've studied myself, watched, listened, trying to learn from all around me, from others.
I try to 'stay forewarned/forearmed'... :))) If I am aware of things... then, I can be prepared. Sadly... one can't be always... prepared for what comes in life, so unexpectedly.
Saying that is so easy... life hasn't been that way at all. I haven't been prepared for major illnesses, or the death of my only child, or some of the other things in my life. Tommy died May 29, 2010.
I had to learn on my own 'how' to come out of these battles I fought, struggled to get through. I'll say it again, Skip is my hero... he has been the light/beacon... always shining 'out there' for me to keep going toward... it took so long, but, each time I've made it. If he hadn't been there... well, I might not be here... no one else was there for me.
Getting back to the photos of me through time... I've shared some of them with you recently. They depict through time how life has taken its toll on my face.
Can't you see now, that you've seen these photos... how there were 'those times' that if not recognized in time... I would have went on to 'age until old'? No one would have known me anymore. How 'white' I was becoming through time. Now... I have 'some color about myself', once again! :)))
Can you see how I've tried to 'catch myself' and not let it happen until I can't prevent it? I fight to 'hold onto me'.... I want those years of my youth that I have lost to life's circumstances. I want to see me in my mirror, at least enough... to know it's not someone else peeping out of my mirror at me!
My body might hold such pain every day of my life... that's okay, I'm living... that was the 'trade-off I made' to get to live. I've learned to live with such pain, I'm proud to say I don't take drugs to manage it... though, there are times I am almost tempted. I can't bear any 'extra pain'... though, at times... it happens.
I may take medicine when a doctor prescribes it... most of the time, I don't. I have a fear of becoming addicted to drugs... even if I never have. That fear has been in me since being very young... watching what drugs did to my loved ones... what alcohol did. I always want my mind to be clear... I want to know what is going on... at all times, even if it hurts.
Truthfully, the one time I didn't care was when my child died... for a time, without realizing it any longer... I did take medicine that I don't even remember the name of. It was so powerful... I barely remember the doctor who prescribed it to me. No, I just thought about it, I can't remember the doctor who prescribed it to me... there's no face in my mind.
I only knew that Tommy had... died. Every minute, I 'knew Tommy had just died'... the medicine protected my mind, put me in darknesss so, I wouldn't have to see, so... I wouldn't have to feel.
I could even smile when I took that medicine... and my son had just died. How potent is that? I couldn't have lived if... I hadn't had something so powerful to numb me, keep me in the darkness that I... so, wanted to stay in.
For now... I'm aware of myself again... I will fight to stay younger... for a little longer. Hopefully, it will be 'forever' before something else happens to make me 'lose myself' once again. Just look at me, and you'll see an example, know from my words how life can be.
Do you see... how life sneaks up on one? How it can take your youth, your years of your life... away? If you don't believe me... look at my photos below: Do you see how life sneaks up on you?
Photo Left... 2010
Photo Right... 2011
Photo on left... 2012
Photo on right (glasses)... 2013
Photo on both right, and left... 2013... 'now'