Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Sunday, April 7, 2013
That's What Happens When You Raise A Little Girl In Hell...
Photos of Gloria Faye Brown Bates as a
little girl... photo of Gloria Faye Brown
Bates taken yesterday as a 'big girl'... :)))
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
The design is intricate, little swirls of gold
Little dots of gold sit on each swirl, shaped into a heart
That fits inside the palm of my hand
At the top, inside the little gold heart
Is another gold heart, neither heart is solid
Both outlined in gold... inside the other heart
Is a little green stone... a little round emerald
Sitting there sparking a special memory at me!
On the back, one can see the little gold clasp
This little piece of inexpensive jewelry is meant to be
Pinned anywhere the wearer wants to put it
On a sweather, on a blouse, on a... hat... just wherever the heart desires
That's not what this is about, doesn't matter if it cost a nickel or a thousand dollars
The feeling it evokes from it is most precious, meaningful
It's not the cost, or how fancy it is that's important here
It's about something more important... more amazing
This little gold-emerald heart now, represents a ... bridge
A bridge across troubled years, spanning through generations
From a distant cousin, who if one thinks about it... not really so distant
When one puts in perspective that her mother and I were very close as children, we were... almost sisters
What's amazing is ... a connection was made through time that was almost
Impossible... really impossible, no one saw it coming
It happened by chance, right out of the blue
A meeting so unlikely... that it seemed... 'meant to be'
I won't say anymore... in this family one doesn't say anything because
Through time, very few relationships withstood the years of time
Someone always became envious, angry because they weren't a part
Destroyed all good every chance they got... most of those people are 'gone now'... sadly, there are still a few left... 'always watching, listening'...
When it would have been heart-touching, a pleasure to include them
Making a lot of 'family' members close together, but, no... who wants that
When Hell can be raised, people's hearts hurt, crush their asses if you can
No, let's don't have peace on earth, let's make war... let's raise Hell
Some of us came through Hell, lived in Hell ... breathed Hell
Some came away grown up with Hell still in them through the years
I came away, shaking the hell off me like a dog shedding water
It took many years to get it off... I didn't want ... Hell to stick to me
I loved the finer things of life, the quiet, peacefulness I sought
Not all the time was it to be... because no matter where I went, I be damned... Hell came looking for me
I met it head-on as I'm no stranger to hell, I grew up to be a fierce fighter
I've fought mean people who meant me harm, who hated me all because I just wanted to be 'good'... because, I am... different... I try so hard to be 'a good person'... mind me now.... I said 'try to be a good person'... I'm not perfect!
Jealousy... hatred... envy, who in the Hell do 'I think I am'... I am nobody
Because I came from where they did... do I think I'm going to get away
Having a good life full of peace, happiness, good health?
Oh no, Life had its tricks up its sleeve...
It threw everything it could at me, it ... wreaked Hell upon Hell upon me
Taking through death... the very people I truly loved
Taking away all my material things I thought at one time meant so much
Not only that... took away a part of myself... Life took away my child, my only son
Oh, Life... you almost got me that time, you almost conquered my ass
You almost kept me to the ground, hopefully to ...'put me in the ground'
But... you didn't count on my hero, my soulmate being there to protect me
He was my secret weapon... who watched over me, pulled me out of the Ocean of Grief where I was drowning
So... I survived one more time... I've come through pain inflicted upon my body
Pain, and things that go along with it... from many hands that touched my little body in ways they shouldn't have when I was a child
I've survived childbirth, I've survived suicide attempts as a young girl trying to escape, trying to escape Hell as a child... only to run away to try to escape again... I've survived heart failure, accidents... I am a cancer surviver... looking back, how did I survive these things... and things I can't tell you about?
Look at me Life... I know Hell, I've lived Hell... you kicked my ass, left me to lie on the cold, cold ground
I'm no stranger to Hell... Life forgot ... I know it well when it threw a very young girl into the fire
She became a firewalker, a fighter... she learned to meet things head-on
When they threatened her with blackmail, to take her life, to destroy her
Because... through time, she learned not to run... to hold her ground, come into her own... come Hell or high water
What you see now, is an older woman who learned from every mistake she ever made
Who became the kindest person in the world, though... not one to be taken advantage of... (Hell's always lurking ready to 'break loose'... if you do)
One who isn't perfect at all, who doesn't pretend to be other than who she is
I don't have riches, I'm not famous... Hell, I'm no one... but, me
See, the Memory Lane the little gold-emerald heart took me down
All because of the way I grew up... never taking love for granted
It could be there for a moment... jerked away the next
So, this little gold-emerald heart represents to me... a moment of love, connection... that might not be there ... tomorrow
I will hold onto it, smiling as I think about the several family members who stood around me who... made me feel love
For a wonderful moment, I had connection to 'family'... that meant the world to me
I know tomorrow when I wake up... it all might not be there anymore
That's alright, I know how Life can be... they can't help if they don't love me forever, because Life... is like that
Yes, this little gold-emerald heart makes a softness in my heart... I look at
Hold it, turning my head this way... that way while in thought
How special yesterday was... I got up never knowing it would happen
For a few moments, there was 'family'... the most happy feelings... I have proof... I hold a little gold-emerald heart in my hand...
My ass has been been kicked my whole life... Life threw it all at me
But... when you put a small child in Hell from the beginning... it learns
How to survive... how to meet Life head-on... learning from everyone
Who doesn't want to have peace on earth, wants to make war for the pleasure of it... whose motto is: 'Come on, let's Raise Hell!'
I'm not a Hell Raiser, never wanted to be, not going to be...
But, I know how... the knowledge 'is there'... for only if I ever need it
Because I'm not going to run like I did as a child... I'm going to hold my ground
If someone doesn't want peace, wants to make war, and 'raise Hell'....
Getting back to the little gold-emerald heart... even if those good feelings are gone 'tomorrow'... it's so possible
I hold in my hand ... a few rare moments... of how it feels to have real family
How special it felt.... like living in such cold weather, going to the beach to run, play in the warm sunshine, warm sea... how good it feels
I will hold onto this little gold-emerald heart, I have a good memory... I got to feel for a rare moment... 'family'
I missed out on so much, I tried to have my own real family, a real life
Be damned if Life didn't show my ass... my life was fractured all through time
Always someone who didn't want 'peace on earth, wanted to make war'... and always wanting ... to raise Hell
That's alright... I learned to keep to myself... live in peace on earth with my soulmate, my husband who wants me to have a good life
I won't live in Hell on earth, raise Hell... unless I'm pushed... if you ever see me otherwise... I've been pushed to the limit
Know that I admire seeing, hearing families... fight to protect them
Families, people, animals... are most important in Life... that's what Love, Life... is all about
Life isn't about material things... though they make such a difference in life
We love to give them to make another person happy, to let them know we care...
Giving.......... that's what Life is about, making others safe, happy, cared for
This is the whole Secret Of Life... giving, caring, protecting every living being
A kind word, a gesture doesn't have to cost money... look at the effect the little gold-emerald heart had on me
In your case though, the good feelings and love will always be there
In my Life... I'm older... so, I don't always expect them to be there 'tomorrow'
That's alright, I'm used to such... I can cope with it better than you can
That's what happens when you raise a little girl in Hell... where people don't want peace on earth, want to war... always ready to ... raise Hell!