Colors As I Go
grief (32) only child (4) Scary (2) Boiled eggs (1) Distrust (1) Don't call me Faye (1) Dying (1) I hate to be called Faye (1) I'm afraid of the dark (1) Middle age woman (1) Pain that reaches the soul.. can't be seen (1) Running (1) Where did my youth go? (1) dying in a beautiful way (1) life is fragile (1) light on my path (1) my son (1)
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Bubbles Of Life... Colors Of My Life
Bubbles Of Life... My Colors Of Life
By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee
Yesterday, I sat thinking as I looked outside... from my desk. As I watched the tops of the tall pine trees sway in the wind... memories, thoughts swirled around in my mind... just as if the wind were inside me... blowing them around.
A thought gently drifted by in my mind... I was thinking about Skip, how his birthday this year... has been 'bad'. He has been experiencing one thing after the other for a week now... with no let-up. My thought about this... is that I'm very worried for him. My prayer for him is to stay safe, sound. He is my world; he and the Pups are my whole life, I have no one else.
A little thought, a little bubble of life, just whizzed by quickly, urgently... drawing my attention to it... my mind's fingers plucked it out of the air. I looked inside... it was a 'Ms Nancy' bubble. I could see her little mouth saying to me... "you have me, all you have to do is let me know; I'll be there". I love you, Ms Nancy... you are most definitely the sister I never had.
I smiled as I looked into Ms Nancy's world in that bubble... she really means that. Ms Nancy is the family I have... I love her very much. I've never had a friend like her.
Another thought floated by, a little higher in the air... my mind's fingers reached up, plucked it down so, my mind's eye could see it (I am grinning, I never heard anyone else describe their thoughts as I'm now, describing to you; put that way until I wrote it)...
As I turned the thought around, I looked inside... a thought is like a clear bubble 'snow globe' in my mind. I can hold it, turn it any way I want to... study it for as long as I want to. I can see, hear, feel, know everything that goes on inside it. In my mind... I call it a 'bubble of life'... I see hundreds, thousands of them floating, drifting around... all I have to do is, pluck one from the air.
Wouldn't it be nice if one could take their own bubble of life, hold it in their hands, study it? Why would they want to? To look at their family, friends, all around them... so, they could 'weed their garden', get the 'bad stuff' out. Life would be safer, more pleasant... don't you agree?
Our thoughts would stay more positive if we could see them... so, if we could see the bubbles of life in our mind, manipulate what goes on inside each aspect of our life... special things could/can happen.
All we have to do is to think, see what we want... special things happen. Maybe sometimes, they don't... because if you are like me... I go through times that I'm not so positive. I couldn't hold onto a positive 'picture' in my mind when like that.
You could see 'what's sneaking up on you in life; you could see if Death is trying to sneak up on you in his vessel of choice. It could be a weapon with a person holding it; or an accident such as a hit and run; a fall, hitting your head. You would know what to do... to prevent it.
I see a slow-moving, big bubble of life... my mind recognizes it instantly. I won't take this bubble out of the air... hurts too bad. You all know by now... what that bubble is.
Inside that bubble is the sadness, grief, pain of this grieving mother.... no, we won't choose that bubble to look at. I have to keep an invisible, protective covering over it... I try to do that... so, I can live with my pain; knowing my child is gone. I can see inside it... I see myself sitting quietly on a chair, head down... weeping.
My mind's finger reached up, gently tapped that bubble... it bounced softly through the air, away from me. I don't have time for that bubble of life... it's taken almost 3 years to get to this point in time.
I can cope with my grief now, in a most positive way. That's not saying it doesn't hurt me greatly... it's saying that 'I can live with this pain now'... just as I live with the physical pain in my body every day of my life.
It means my threshold of both physical, mental pain is very... high, 'now'. This comes from a person who 'could never bear pain'. I can bear it now; it's a part of my life. I would hurt, rather than see you hurt. Why? Because I'm stronger, more used to it... I can deal with it better... I've known it my whole life. I'm fragile, but... I'm very strong. Truthfully... sometimes, I'm really not... but, I don't just let people 'see' my weakness... that would be a mistake.
Keep in mind this about me... when my body was wracked with such pain, I'd been through a major surgery, chemotherapy; I was still going through the battle of my life, was trying to get back to being myself again, just trying to live. I rode with Skip on the big truck. You wouldn't believe the pain... my words couldn't do it justice describing to you... you just have to imagine.
Every bump the truck hit, I would almost scream with the pain in my body. I didn't. Sometimes, I would moan softly... telling myself that I was getting stronger, I couldn't let others see my weakness... feel sorry for me. Everything was going to be alright...
We drove to the garage of people we knew, friends. They hadn't seen me since prior to all that had happened to me. I knew they would be curious, and their eyes would be studying me to see how 'all had taken its toll on me'.
Sure enough, when Skip drove us up to the huge opening in the garage... they all stopped talking, sat there looking at us come to a stop. I looked at each of them... I liked every person sitting there; I didn't want them to think I was dying... I knew I had to look strong when I stepped ...into their view. I didn't want them saying, 'yeah, Skip's wife, is dying... it doesn't look like she has long to go; poor thing.'
In my mind, I told myself that when I stepped down those steps of that big truck... I would do it slowly, deliberately..... strongly. I wouldn't let anyone 'see my weakness'... they would only see 'how strong' I was. Yes, one can give this illusion to others... if you want to. I did it.
As I began getting out of the truck, every little movement I made... pulled on the huge, surgical area on my shoulder-back area. I feel breathless, faint... weak....
I'd had a thoracotomy the 'old-fashion' way... a rib had been removed. You would never understand pain of this kind... unless it happened to you. I won't even try to describe it... it's with me for the rest of my life.
Nerves were severed... not only that; one year later, I had the same surgery 'again' on the other side of my body... you can't imagine the daily pain I live in. I've learned to live with it... but, I won't let you see it. I don't talk about it... I write about it here, at times. It's a part of my life... it'll never go away. I don't take pain medicine to relieve it... when I do, I've reached a 'breaking point'.
Getting back to that day in the truck, to help you understand me... as I got out of that big truck, slowly stepping down to the top step, holding on to the handles for dear life... my body was the weakest it'd ever been. I was screaming inside with the pain... I hadn't ever lived with such pain 'before' that.
As I held on to the handles, the pulling on the fresh surgical area... trying to 'move slowly, deliberately, strongly'.... almost made me faint. I thanked God that from where everyone sat... on an old car seat on the cement floor, standing around... they couldn't see my face.
The door hid the upper half of my body... I made my steps strong, slow, deliberate... I was 'seeing in my mind what they were watching'... I meant for them not to see me 'weak'.... I tried to do what 'I saw in my mind'... I saw a strong, young woman... a warrior who was fighting to live; who meant to survive cancer.
I came down to the second step, I made myself smile... so, when I could bear to turn around, face everyone... they'd never know how 'weak my body was; nor know the pain I was in... they wouldn't feel sorry for Gloria'.
I wasn't going to let anyone see how weak I'd become... probably they all 'saw' it, but... they smiled at me, never let me know they did. I was grateful that day... I was trembling inside with the pain. I didn't want anyone to feel sympathy for me... because I was fighting for my life... I was strong, and I 'knew' I was going to win. I stood there with a smile on my face... one of triumph, and pride. I was feeling breathless from such pain; almost fainting, so weak... but, I did it!
Feeling sorry for me, sympathy wasn't what I needed at all... that would have weakened me, and have... given power over me. Some people may have taken pleasure that I was in that condition... I can 'look back now'... I know 'who you are... I haven't forgotten you'...... we never forget people who hurt us deeply when they think we are at our weakest... or dying.
They think people who are very sick... 'don't know'... that's when you 'do know'. Your senses are heightened.... you wouldn't believe what I saw 'from that darkness' when I couldn't see, going on around my bedside in the hospital. I do remember only two family members who came by... their eyes... they cared with their hearts. That was my brother, Rick-Rick; and my soft-spoken favorite aunt... Aunt Frankie. I do remember a father, and a stepmother, and a niece..............
Bubbles of life... are always floating around in my mind. At a moment's notice, one can just 'loom up' in my mind's eye, force itself to be remembered. I don't like when that happens... those are the thoughts that can send one into a depression, feel unhappy, make one feel many different emotions.
I love the bubbles of life that bounce gently a long, like a little orange and white bobber on the end of a fishing line. You know how happy it is to watch it on the top of the water... you know when it moves quickly... it has attracted the attention of something.
Same way with life bubbles... reaching up with the mind's fingers to pluck one, bring it up to the mind's eye... to study it; take a look at it.
Just like a fish when it grabs the bait, pulls the bobber quickly under the water. Sometimes, the bobber comes back to the surface of water just as quickly as it was pulled beneath the water... the fish let go, got away... didn't want to look back as it swam away.
Life bubbles... the reason I know so much about them, is because that's what I've named 'thoughts in my own mind'. I've never heard them called that anywhere else... :))) I can make my own rules about them... they are 'mine'. It's easy for me to tell you about them... I've always lived with them... always known them. Bubbles of life...... my colors of life....